I have lived in my apartment since mid March. I am yet to decorate. I have a pile of great things to hang on my living room wall. Every week I was having girls night and every week we would say “for real. This week we are hanging crap”. And every week the wine would win. And now my friend had moved to New Jersey and the pile still sits there.
I publicly declared yesterday that I was taking a hiatus from Facebook for the month of June. Sure, it may not seem like a big deal to most. But for someone who could basically work for Facebook as much time as I spend on there, this was a pretty big declaration indeed. As cheesy as it may sound., I need to spend time with me and not with the life I lead on Facebook. I said in recent blogs that I know I am at the part of my journey to being a more awesome me where I am forced to experience “alone”. And to truly soak that up, I need to get rid of a few things that get way too much of my time (i.e. Facebook) and give that time to things that do not get very much attention (myself mentally and physically……ANNNNDDDDD the books and journals collecting dust on my shelves).
In my first day “off” from Facebook, I have realized that it is my thumb’s second nature to “click and scroll”. I think my thumb may be having more withdrawals than I am! What I have not been admitting to myself is that diving into Facebook, sharing my life as an open poster, knowing I make people laugh or sometimes just shake their heads, is that I use it as a disguise or distraction. I probably really do it so that I don’t have to address the writing on the wall.
You see, I have built a wall that would rival the Great Wall of China. I think I was laying one brick at a time in my younger years. Then, I think in the last couple of years after experiencing a physically and mentally abusive relationship, I just called in the concrete and iron workers and told them to work double time to build a wall so big, so tall and so hard around my heart that nothing would ever hurt it again. I wanted to build whatever device I had to so that I NEVER encountered the hell on Earth that the abuse and time following brought. It didn’t take long to put that wall up. However, I decorated it nicely so that everyone thought that I was fine and bouncing back nicely. I decorated it with lots of dating to show I was “ready” to get back out there. I decorated it with service and volunteering so that people would see how big my heart really is.
Then, I let self-doubt in. I let one bad date after another take a piece of the wall with them when they went or I sent them on their way. And myself and old man self-doubt took out some spray paint and went to town on writing graffiti on the wall. The worse thing was, I wrote it on my side of the wall and stayed on that side. I didn’t come out to the side where people were passing by and looking at my decorations. I stayed on the inside and stared at what was written there. And it was not nice. It wasn’t nice at all.
- “You’re never going to find anyone. It never fails when a guy meets you in person he only wants to be your friend because of how fat you are.”
- “You got lucky in getting the job you have now. It’s only a matter of time before you’re too old and some young person replaces you. You really don’t know what you’re doing”
- “If you would just lose about 50 pounds, you would get to do the welcome video at church like you have always secretly wanted to do. Or maybe, that guy will FINALLY like you for more than just a friend”
- “You are so annoying. You are selfish. What your ex friend’s mom said about you was right. There is a reason she unleashed on you. It was built up frustration cause nobody knows how to tell you how awful you are. Sure, she has issues, but everyone likes her better so don’t even look at her that way. You never remember important things in regards to your friends. Every time you talk to them the convo ends up about you. Nobody likes that, they are all talking behind your back I’m sure. Actually, you just talk too much in general.”
- “Nobody reads anything you write. You are never going to finish that book, so just give it up”
UGH….It makes me sad to even type those things. I would simply not allow any of my friends (or anyone for that matter) to talk about themselves like that. It freaks me out to even be that transparent with the world that I have let those thoughts run me.
THE GOOD NEWS IS……..the writings on my wall my say the above…….BUT…the writings on my mirror (that has just enough room now for me to see my face to put makeup on in the morning), the notes from true friends (and even some strangers), the words in some REALLY good books I am reading……they all assure me that my writings on my wall are false. Within all of these things, there is a resounding and unconditional love that I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around. Yet, I am clinging on to every single thing spoken or written like no other. I believe them. I really do. And every day, it gets easier and easier to paint over the nasty things written on my wall. In that painting process, I am starting to see joy, a remarkable peace I didn’t know I could ever feel, happy, and most importantly kindness. The even greater thing is that with all of those new things, I catch myself ever so often taking down part of the wall and breathing a little better.
The alone time is forcing me to face the bad and admit to myself that I have not been kind to me. The beautiful thing is that in that same alone time I feel change for the better! I cannot wait to see what happens next! If you’re reading this as someone who “knows someone”who has not been kind to them, and you have maybe just “blown it off” or hoped it would pass, I encourage you to lift that person up somehow. Even if it’s just post-its on a door or mirror like my friend did for me last week. Even though she did it to help remind me of a big day ahead, I have still not taken them off my front door and love to see them as I head out each morning! If you are the person being unkind to you STOP IT. Stop it right now! You were created by an amazing creator who makes nothing but beautiful things. To think anything less of yourself is an insult to Him!
Yes, the wall is still up. But hang around for a bit and I just might hand you asledge-hammer to help me knock it down.