It’s Here: The Great Dating Hiatus

Things that have prompted the great dating hiatus (effective immediately):

It’s a jungle out there kids. And I’m fresh out of safari outfits. I’m gonna need y’all to straighten way the heck up by the time I decide to jump back in :p

I joke about dating a lot. And you def have to have thick skin for it these days. But the truth is, unless you’re walking it, you just don’t get how “special” it is…..no worries though, I have captured some of the more recent events, just to give you a taste 🙂

(No lectures and inspirational “you’ll find it when you least expect it”, please. I’m fine. This is mostly funny. Settle down). I realize some of you will wonder how you will fill your time, if I don’t have a crazy dating story.  No worries, there are plenty of old ones that still need to be told!

  • Exhibit A: One of the best 1st dates I have had….with him asking me on a second date and actually physically calling several times…..only to ghost me and “match” with my friends (ghosted count currently sitting at about 3,289). This one actually stings a bit (as much as I hate to admit it….I actually really liked him and feel really weird that I misread him so badly)……..
    • And to further update from when I first started typing this draft, not only did he hit on a friend (he doesn’t know we are connected), but he also asked her for a full body pic.  And when she sent him THE CUTEST pic of her (she really is super adorable, y’all)……he says…and I quote….”I think I’ll pass. Good luck, doll face”.  He later text me letting me know that he had a lunch time rendezvous with someone who reminded him of me because she was “thick and yummy” and he couldn’t wait to put me on the list……um no. My response “yeah, call me in 20 years when your daughter is crying to you about being someone’s sloppy seconds”
    • Update again: Ran into him at the pumpkin patch….he acted like he didn’t know me……..I didn’t show out.  Progress 🙂
  • Exhibit B: A guy friend asking for dating advice and “how to word his profile to ask for full body shots, so he doesn’t end up on a date with a fatty”…without sounding shallow, after he felt like he was deceived on a date by her “creative photography”.  I couldn’t believe what I was reading and that he would say that to me, of all people, a big girl who is in the dating realm.  But he did. Pics attached for reference.  It should also be noted that he is more than willing to ignore warnings about a certifiable crazy…because, ya know…she’s hot. I wish this was fake. But it’s not. And I still haven’t decided how to respond to the last text, because it certainly isn’t a joke.img_4405img_4406img_4407
    • Update:  Never responded to that text.  I don’t have it in me for that battle or to even try to rehab someone who isn’t changeable. Again.  Progress 🙂 And, guess what boys? Big girls don’t care if you don’t like them.  We REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t.  You like what you like and we don’t like a$$hats.  It’s fine.  Just move along.  But you do not get to be a jerk about it.  You being scared to date a big girl says WAY MORE about you than it does her…….trust me.
  • Exhibit C: A previous date situation (and admittedly a huge weakness for me), who came back around and wanted to be friends bc “ricia, you’re awesome and I know I’m not good at dating”….and offered to help with some things around the house. Except on the day he was supposed to show up, he faked a rib injury. How do I know he faked it? Bc he asked one of my friends that he swiped on, out for a beer….and didn’t know she was my friend.
    • Update: He is still a jerk (ok, I don’t know that for sure, but I assume and I’m still too pissed to believe otherwise) and we haven’t talked in months.  Progress.
  • Exhibit D: A guy that I had an “eh” first date with (he peed 7 times on our date and didn’t know who Patti Lebelle was…..don’t act like I’m not supposed to wonder about that), convinced me (Ok, he and the internet voting I let y’all do convinced me) to go on a second date.  He asks if we can reschedule the date to another day because he has a game to go to (He is a coach).  Sure.  I’m flexible.  No biggie.  And then I show up for drinks with friends at our local hangout and he is at the same place……..on a date……….Guess that explains why he had so many questions about all the locations I would be at for the evening.  His date also cried in the bathroom, so there’s that.
  • Exhibit E: Started talking to a guy, did some “internet research” on him….turns out he openly likes Nickelback – can’t even make a first date happen for this one 😛 (i kid, i kid)
  • Exhibit F: Channing Tatum not being available
  • Exhibit G: Guys who post naked pics of themselves as their profile pic.  If that’s what this has come to, just hand me the cats and the old shoe now.  I can’t.  Go ahead, if you don’t know about this, ask a single friend how many unsolicited pics they get on the regular.  Key word: unsolicited
    • This could also be grouped with guys who aren’t actually single.  They are a dime a dozen and it’s tragic how numb you become to it and how it’s not even a surprise anymore.  It’s also tragic at how easy it is to figure it out and they try to pass it off anyway (ask me about the married preacher story)
  • Exhibit H: Guys who linger in the background of your Facebook and only pop up when they see opportunity or are on the prowl for whatever mood their in……..only to never actually follow through on anything.
  • Exhibit I: I’m not equipped to handle the dating scene where everyone is talking to multiple people.  We, as humans were not built to know this many people and have this many options.  We just weren’t.  And being a girl who compares myself to the 72 single girls added to a guy’s FB friend’s list daily, is NOT who I want to be.  I can’t become her, because she is a destructive human and I have worked too hard to avoid being that.
  • Exhibit J: My trust issues run deep.  There has never been a secret in that.  I struggle with it daily and actively work on it daily.  The worst is when you are raw about that with someone and feel like you are dealing with it as best as you can, in a safe space…..only for it to be turned on you to take blame off of them, so they can avoid taking ownership of their own actions (or lack thereof).  But with all that on me….I will NEVER allow myself to be ashamed or think I’m unworthy.
  • Exhibit K: Poor decisions on my part in general, made out of fear and loneliness, that only left me empty and back at square one.  Those have to stop.  And the only way to address them is to get to the core, without distraction.  I’m so far from perfect that perfect isn’t even in the same hemisphere as me.  But mistakes don’t make me unworthy or “unfixable”.  If you’re reading this, you have to believe that too!

Lots of progress was made in the dating arena this year (despite the above).  Walls were let down that I didn’t know would ever come down…..and I’m actively fighting to leave them down, instead of building them taller.  I won’t ever hate that 🙂

There is still hope.  I have more than ever to offer the right relationship….and I can’t wait to find it! But for now, my heart needs a little break.  And that’s ok! I’m excited to do a little more work on myself and blaze a new trail 🙂

How long will the hiatus last? Who knows!  Until I feel like my heart is ready and someone convinces me that they are worth my effort, I suppose.  Or maybe if it’s an actual organic connection (through mutual friends, etc) and comes about more naturally than Panther5000 with his airbrushed pics and mullet, from the internet  😛

What can you do if you have a single friend who is struggling in dating:

Nothing.  Just be present.  Please don’t try to tell us what you think from the chair of your marriage or relationship.  Dating is hard.  Single streets are hard.  Things that you think couldn’t possibly happen, actually happen regularly.  So, just pour them a shot…..try to help them from doing completely crazy crap 🙂 and love them through it.

Dungeons and Douchebags: The Wackelors of The Bachelorette

Well, COMPLETELY against my will, and apparently for the single purpose of getting my blog juices going again, I watched The Bachelorette premiere tonight.  I didn’t necessarily mean to.  But, some of my family, inclusive of twenty-somethings are here for the night and convinced me to put it on.  My 22 year old was just as annoyed as me and I can honestly say that I don’t know if I have been more proud of her! :p  In theory, I would continue to watch the season and keep writing.  In reality, I’ll consider it a success if I finish the premiere.  

First, I need to apologize to anyone who thought I was smarter than this.  I know you’re disappointed in my choices.  But, I have to appeal to all the people.  I am lover of all (except those few that did me dirty :p jk jk – kinda).  So, as much as I love my investigative shows and documentaries, I have to venture out to see what the rest of the world is up to! 😛

Anyway – let’s get started.  I only came in a few before Lucas entered and already can’t remember half of their names.  So, tonight’s commentary is a bit scattered and will focus on the things that stuck out the most to me.  

Let’s begin with the dummy (no, not the human guys – although there are already a few dummies fo sho).  That stupid puppet has more game than my last 5 dates.  I wish I were lying.  

The Bachelorette herself:

I can guarantee you she has already eliminated more than half of these dudes, in her mind, within the first 10 minutes.  She is not impressed by some of you fools.  She seems smart, but all brain cells can be altered with 31 yay-whos in a room trying to get your attention.  

I like to think I could get along with her, because she cannot hide how she feels, on her face – and anyone who knows me, knows I can’t either.  I’m hoping this is our common bond that helps me survive this episode.

When she says “I feel like the luckiest girl in the world”, I couldn’t help but think – OF COURSE YOU DO!  You have 31 dudes at your disposal and nobody is calling you a slut for talking to all of them at once!  You also are getting to juggle 31 somewhat normal-isn dudes who will be on their best behavior.  You’re not in Tinder anymore Dorothy.  Congratulations. 

Now to the boys: again, I came in late and I am overwhelmed, so some of them just get nicknames.

In general, guys do not sit around and talk like this and analyze, do they??  I mean, I know most of it is for the show

Kenny, the wrestler –  I don’t hate you.  Don’t let me down.

Lucas – it should be obvious all the things I have to say about him.  But, for the sake of warning the rest of Americans who haven’t had the pleasure yet, I’ll throw it out there.  DO NOT talk about your testicles through a megaphone on national television.  And stop shaking your face.  Nobody even understands your existence yet, except for the fact that every season has to have the one crazy.  HOWEVER, I do owe Lucas a Thank You!  I almost forgot that I hadn’t blogged about my last dating story that is one of the top three of all time!  You’ll have to stay tuned for that to understand how Lucas reminded me of it. 

Attorneys – I get it.  You put them on there because she is one, and the ones you chose are handsome. One is proud of himself (Josiah) and one can’t get his eyes or head at a normal level. But, I think we can all agree that attorneys are a direct spawn of the snake in the Garden of Eden. (sorry to all attorneys out there and please answer my call if I ever need you)

Vacuum dude – I like your approach.  Any woman who says a man with a vacuum isn’t hot, is lying.  But, you’re trying too hard running that dang thing while she is trying to talk.  My hope is that you have more to offer than this. 

Tickle Monster (as in he legit lists this as his job) – I can’t hate you.  At least you are calling it a job versus the 4,236 guys I have come across that say “consultant”, which really means they are unemployed.  But show me one person who isn’t annoying after the first 3 seconds of tickling someone (keep it clean!). 

Male Model – “I would be so devastated if I didn’t get a rose. Yeah, I don’t know what I would do”.  Yes, you’re right.  Your life would be over.  How would you ever walk out of there and find a woman?  I get it.  Must be horrible, with that deep voice and chiseled jaw line. 

Marine – Asian guy – you win, simply because I love marines…..and Asians.  You. Are. Adorable.  You are one of my top 3.

Penguin guy – nope.  Not giving you more than this space.  You are a copy cat, and a terrible one at that.  There is no other costume entrance like shark girl from last season.  Stop tryin.

Aspiring Drummer – every season needs the emotional one.  You win.  Quit cryin, it’s only the first session.

Chiropractor – you had me at “I could get free adjustments for the rest of my life” – but when you went for a kiss on the first night…..and went so hard that she couldn’t breathe AND for so long….I was out on you.  However, if she boots you and you’re just looking for something to do, I’m usually free on any day that ends with Y. 

WAIT – WHAT??? As I’m typing that last line, that’s who she steals to give the first impression rose to?  Ok, girl.  I see what tone you’re going to set here.  S M D H 

Ok, now I’m done.  If I were there, I would be right in the middle of the ego fest inside and wondering what the heck just happened.  PLUS, the way he kisses just makes me uncomfortable.  It gives me the same reflex as hearing the word moist. (acckkkk, I can’t even type that without gagging).  

Ah, there is Cry Baby Magee.  The one that gets kicked off that cries.  You talked to her for probably a total of 3 minutes and got let go, and now you’re crying because you brought lots of outfits you won’t get to wear.  No.  Boy puh-lease.  Welcome to every girl who has ever been stood up.  Imagine all the wasted outfits out there.  YOu ain’t the first.  You won’t be the last.  Pssshhhh.

Here’s what we do.  This show has been around long enough.  It’s time to switch it up.  You bring in a fat girl (ack hmmm).  You bring in all these guys.  As they get out of the limo, they are clearly shocked.  They aren’t used to someone not looking like a model, what kind of trickery is this?  They go into the main house and homegirl hears them talking about her.  She is so distraught that she runs away.  BUT, secretly, she is going away to fat camp.  She gets a naughty body to the point that she is unrecognizable.  They bring the guys back and say “sorry we trick you, we have a different bachelorette now”.  Enter, “new girl”, who is really old girl.  Their mouths start watering.  And in another twist, she automatically cuts the ones who talked about her and lets the actual nice ones that would’ve given her a chance, stay.  

Call me Hollywood, I’m here for you.