The Suckihood of Lonely

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It doesn’t happen as often anymore (thank the Lord) but sometimes being alone gets to me. And for the longest time, I linked “lonely” to being single……as in if I had a significant other, then I wouldn’t be lonely anymore.  Again, so thankful that is not the viewpoint I have anymore.  Let me be very clear in conveying that I am ok.  I am ok with a little lonely.  I am ok with being by myself.  I will not be ordering a husband on the internet to fill the lonely gap I am experiencing tonight!

So, as I sit here feeling lonely, with my new viewpoints on it, typing this little blog while alone and enjoying ice cream, I thought I would share a few thoughts in hopes of although I am physically alone, there will be someone out there who “feels me”.

What sucks about lonely

  • I’m a social person by nature.  Sure I love my alone time and need it to refocus and regroup often.  Everyone is built for relationship (whether you want to admit it or not) and I think I got an extra dose of it!
  • I’m a planner.  I like to know what’s going on and my calendar for the most part on any given week stays pretty full.  It’s the unexpected gaps in the calendar that usually land me in lonely town and my planner mind sometimes doesn’t deal with that well.  I need to get better at spur of the moment 🙂
  • I am awesome!  How does that make lonely suck you ask?  Well, because it means if I’m sitting here alone, somebody is missing out on me! 🙂
  • It feels like time slows down.  It never fails that when you try to approach a situation with the “this will pass” attitude….it seems to take FOREVER to pass.  Am I right?
  • It is too tempting in times of lonely to go into negative-ville.  I have to work really hard not to allow myself to start attacking myself.

What I do about lonely

  • Immediately have a talk with myself.  I have to remind myself that this is temporary.  This is not bad.  Someday (hopefully) someone will sweep me off my feet and spend so much time with me that I will probably be begging for alone time. I let myself know that in no form or fashion will I use this time for a pity party or to treat myself badly.  And I will not dwell on not having someone or start comparing myself to others who seem to have it all.
  • Write a note.  Too often I let my busy life get in the way of truly being a good friend that stays in touch with others.  It’s a selfish part of me that I am more than aware needs work.  Tonight I wrote short notes to 5 people and my mood was instantly lifted.
  • Read all the articles I have “opened in Safari”.  When I’m scrolling in my news feed and see something I think I want to read, I always redirect it to the browser.  When I”m “bored” or something, I will go through all my open pages and catch up on the articles.
  • Craft.  I really don’t feel like this one needs any further explanation.  🙂  I love a good craft session.  Tonight I opted out of getting all my supplies out and getting started since it’s a proven fact that every craft project turns into an ordeal.
  • Clean out a closet.  In an effort to live more simply this year, I have tried to go through closets.  However, much like crafting, once I get started it can last for hours.  So I also opted out of this option.
  • Exercise.  Ok, this is laughable.  I don’t willingly exercise.  I have to be dragged kicking and screaming.  But, it’s still a good alternative for the rest of you out there 🙂
  • Pray.  I should have listed this first really.  I won’t shove it down your throat.  It is near and dear to my heart and brings immediate calm to me.  I have stopped asking God to make the lonely pass quickly and started asking what He wants me to get out of it and trust that it will not linger.

What not to do no matter how lonely you are

  • Go online looking for a date.  Although I am no longer on the online dating scene, I can remember too many times in the past (the way past thankfully) that I would get online and browse profiles and reach out to people who normally would never be a fit for me.  I was looking to feel a void.  Sadly, it only creates a vicious cycle that usually ended with another crazy dating story.
  • Eat ice cream.  Trust me on this one.  Much like going on a bad date as a result of a lonely time, you will regret the ice cream later too.  I mean, I am not to the regret point yet (my ice cream was really good!) but I’m sure it’s coming!
  • Beat yourself up.  Don’t do it.  Remember, we are all about being kind to us.  There is no room for the devil in this lonely time.  Don’t even open the door for him.
  • Do not get discouraged when you try to fill the lonely and friends don’t answer.  Tonight I invited 5 friends for a drink when I realized I was headed home earlier than expected with nothing to do.  It was very last minute and none of them could make it.  The old Alicia would’ve taken that personally and headed down the “poor me” road.  Not today.  Just further proof that I really was supposed to be alone tonight and deal with it head on.
  • Nothing.  The worst thing you can do is nothing.  Do not just sit there.  Do not do nothing.

Ultimately I firmly believe that lonely moments are meant for us to learn or discover something about ourselves.  So do not do yourself a disservice by trying to force the moment out without getting something for yourself! 🙂

Lonely is not forever.  Being alone is not always bad.

Passion for People

Pardon me for a second while I preach.
Today I had the chance to have a long chat and share my observation and advice to a friend. It was raw conversation. I was told things that made me hurt and angry for my friend. Yet I was also faced with some of my own insecurities and hurt that I like to pretend doesn’t exist. No holding back. It was colorful, blunt, and although I avoided using caps lock, I am certain that there were a few pauses where I looked around waiting for an “AMEN” and “hallujah”.

I am not versed enough in my vocabulary to find the right words to describe what it stirred within me. My heart is still beating fast and furious and the conversation happened over an hour ago. I LOVED IT. I don’t think I have ever allowed myself to admit or accept that I am overly passionate about people until this conversation. And I couldn’t be more excited about it!!! I LOVE PEOPLE. And I want with all that is in me for people to love themselves.

Maybe its because I fought so hard to fall in love with myself. I, of course dont mean “in love” in a cocky “I am God’s gift to the planet” way. I mean in a “you are of value and you have a purpose and a lot to offer the planet” way. Maybe it is because I never want to see someone so broken that they have a melt down at a stop light and can’t physically push the gas pedal to go through. Either way I cannot ignore the passion nor do I want to any longer. I am sick of negative people I know trying to impose their hate and general classifications of people onto me. Hi, my name is Alicia and I genuinely love people and I am so sorry if you don’t. Please take your misery elsewhere.

This is all a constant work in progress. Its a conscious decision that I have to make every single day (and some days I fail miserably at it) to be kind to me. But I know it’s worth the effort. I promise you that I am leaps and bounds better than i was two years ago. And I promise you that if you would exercise kindness and positivity toward yourself a little each day, you would grow leaps and bounds too!

If I were being honest, when I told my friend to rid himself of people who do not bring out the best him, I would have to admit that my stomach turned knowing there are a few people I could stand to get rid of for the same reason (people I consider important in my life currently).

Anyway! That all brings me to this. If I could stand in front of you today with my fired up spirit I would tell you the following. And I would mean it with every fiber of my being even if you were someone I wasn’t typically a fan of. I also recognize after today’s conversation that I owe myself the same talk as much as my friend needed it. Nope. None of this is earth shattering or new news to anyone. What may be new to someone reading this though is the permission to know these things without apology. And I believe that there is some human on the planet that needs to read this in this way. 🙂

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– Be intentional about changing to progress toward a better you. Be honest with yourself that you absolutely cannot continue in the manner that you have.

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– Accept that you will always be a work in progress (Sure I need to lose a few pounds and by few i really mean about fifty. But I can’t be controlled by that solely). But always be “progressive”. Be aware of what you need to work on but never let it control you or hold you back from being awesome.

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– Know that not everyone will understand your work. And they don’t have to. It isn’t for them. If they aren’t a fan of your journey just consider them the coal you need to fuel you forward. 🙂

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– It is NEVER ok to be unkind to yourself. NEVER.

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– Do not create a vicious cycle or fake flaws for yourself. It is dangerous to fall into a cycle of “I will be happy if/when this or that happens”. You start filling voids with material things that are only temporary fills and eventually there is nothing that will ever satisfy you. Sadly that often bleeds into going through one human heart after another and never being satisfied. You create a hurt factory that will have a morning shift and a night shift. And you will wear your own heart out in the process causing you to miss out on something really great.

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-You are no good to anyone else if you are no good to you. And to create lasting friendships with good quality people we have to be good to ourselves. Once again, if you aren’t, you begin filling voids with temporary people.

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-Know that when you slowly destroy your own self worth that you are also robbing the planet of something great. There is something about you that the planet needs and is supposed to get out of you being here. You rob the planet when you don’t share the great in you!

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Of course I could go on and on and you could spend bazillions on books by people who are way better experts than myself. But sometimes we just need to know from another human that it is ok and we all struggle.

If you are in a solid place with yourself, congrats. If you’re watching someone you know go on a journey to change themselves for the better and overcome self hate and insecurity, be kind. Be supportive. Be patient. Be quiet if you have to. But by all means, do not hold up progress. Do not keep someone from becoming a better human. Remove yourself for their own good if you can’t be anything but a hindrance.

You are dismissed 🙂

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Speaking my language…when people say what you’re thinking

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I have been struggling so much with self image lately. I want to be healthier (I WILL be healthier). I want to feel better. I have friends who are hardcore “workouters” 🙂 and I hate feeling not pretty enough around them. I hate being the perfect match for someone BUUUTTTT….them just not being able to date me because of my weight.

 

I am not ugly (or at least my selfies don’t make me feel like I am 🙂 !).  I make myself take a pic (despite what the articles say about that meaning that you have a mental illness) and then look at the pic and be nice to myself.  I literally do this probably three times a week.  And if you have never struggled with loving yourself, you probably have no idea what I am talking about.  If you have ever struggled with it though, you know EXACTLY how hard it is to look at a picture of yourself and not tear it apart.  It seems foreign to snap a pic and think “I really like my makeup today” or “This top looks good with my skin tones.  And how bout that hair today! Good job”.  On top of it being weird to do, it’s not really accepted by society.  In this case, society can suck it though! 🙂


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I know that I am not ugly because I believe I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I am loved more than any human could ever come close to. I KNOW THIS. I retreat to this daily. Yet, i destroy myself daily with decisions I make (food, people I allow in my life, the list goes on).  It is more than overwhelming trying to get on track and know which direction to go with all the programs, naughty bodies, etc out there.

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Last night in my “reflect on where you’re at time” (which usually involves lots of music, praying and reading), I came across this blog and wanted to scream “she gets it! This is what i know!!”   I’m not sure Claire realized when she wrote this blog that it would fall into the screen of a woman who was desperately searching for encouragement and “relatable” reads.  But I am so glad that it happened that way!

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I dont want to be skinnier for a man. I dont care about that anymore. I want to be healthy to be able to fully carry out my purpose. I want to take care of my body that I was given and be able to live out the acknowledgement that my body is indeed a temple I was trusted to take care of. In all aspects.  Every single struggle I am facing right now (dating decisions, fitness, financial, etc) all boils down to lack of discipline and obedience. And the outside noise and influence I have let effect that even more has to change. Immediately.

Thats a whole lotta rambling and thinking out loud just to tell you I loved this blog Boobs Happen, or…When My Workout Shrinks My Soul.  And to let you know that it is more than ok if your “temple” doesn’t look like the cover of a fitness magazine. Its perfectly fine if you eat in front of your crossfit junkie friends. And its ok to hug people even if they only feel fluff when they wrap their arms around you.

Today is the day I start surrounding myself with same minded people who simply put working for the kingdom first. Who only uplift and encourage. Who refuse to see anything but potential and greatness in me.

Today also happens to be my first workout with a new group that in one day of consultation have given me more support and encouragement than all the things i have done in the past put together. I am thrilled that they dont see it as a job and that they sell it as their mission.

Happy Monday!!

Stubbornness Counts

One of my favorite little surprises in my new little book was this page that said “Stubbornness Counts”. I chuckled when I first read it. I am one of the most stubborn people I know. Hands down it is in the top three characteristics that make up “Alicia Fancy Pants”. And it is quite possibly the number 1 reason I stay single. 🙂

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My stubbornness has always been explained to me as a hinderence. If I could just be less stubborn, I would get this or that or this situation would be much easier on me. For the most part, there is quite a bit of truth to that. I can look back on many situations and see where my stubbornness created unnecessary hurdles for myself. Even my parents tell me for as far back as they can remember and before I could even speak, I was stubborn. When I came across this picture I felt like it was almost validating me to some extent in that moment. I am not in the best place I have ever been right now. If I were being completely transparent I would tell you that I’m tired. Overwhelmed. Out of those strong emotions has come a heavier than normal dose of stubborn lately. But in a way that I think was long overdue. I am finally demanding more for myself in the dating world and although currently it has left me with “nobody on the list” of potential suitors (when normally there are 2 or 3 at a time), I’m ok with that. I feel stronger.

Who knew a little crab on a picture labeled as “Stubbornness Counts” would make me realize that stubborn isn’t always bad. If I look back on the times where stubborn has been the major factor in my situations, there are more times than not that I’m glad it was present.

Had I not been stubborn and dead set on “truth”, I would have went back to the abusive situation I escaped. I would have fallen for the lies to get me back and I would have ended up caught in a cycle that I might not have ever been able to break free from.

Had I not been stubborn with a guy who apparently only wants to see me when he is in town on business, I would’ve ended up in his hotel room late at night which probably would’ve lead to mountains of guilt in the following days for allowing him to think my only value is late at night when it’s convenient for him.

Had I not been stubborn in pursuing something bigger for myself, I would still be married, on a farm, in a two bedroom concrete house with no identity other than what my mother-in-law allowed.

Had I not been stubborn and stood up for myself in my evaluation at my last job, I would have still been labeled as something I am not and still been miserable working under someone who got enjoyment out of belittling me daily.

The list goes on. But more times than not, my stubbornness has counted for the better. I’m happy with that. It doesn’t always make things as easy as they probably could be. It doesn’t always make me popular in the least. It even annoys me sometimes. But, it was given to me for a reason and I gladly wear it as part of my daily armor. For that, I will never apologize.

What’s a trait you have that you have been viewing as bad when it could be the best part of your daily armor?

Farm la la la………

I have started a tradition with my nieces that every year around the holidays, I schedule a photo session complete with silliness, cute outfits, and memories that I hope they talk about long after I am gone.  Its my Christmas gift to my family and I am not sure if they truly appreciate it as much as I cherish it, but to me, pictures are worth more than a thousand words on any given day!  This year was the best ones we have had so far and I am already spending way too much time contemplating next year’s session and how on earth I could possibly top 2013.

That’s the feel good stuff.  The sap.  Then there is my insertion into the pics.  Not that I need to defend my presence in the pictures, because I don’t owe anybody that.  I do however want to share how it came to be for me and give you something to think about for your own self 🙂

After escaping a horribly abusive relationship in the summer of 2012, I wasn’t sure that I would ever recover.  Not only did it shake me to my core, and a place where I didn’t even recognize myself…….but it also destroyed what little self esteem I had worked so hard to find and live with.  I couldn’t stand to look at myself for a myriad of reasons that I will spare you of here.  What I do know is that once I started finally coming out of the dark so to speak, I honestly saw physical transformation as well as emotional transformation.  I was becoming someone I didn’t know, but thankfully someone better.

When you have been through something like that (or for me anyway) and you finally start to see light and peace, you want to do WHATEVER you can to hold on to it.  To document it, to capture it so that you never lose it again!  So, I did a photo session of me.  Often, things like that are thought of as vain.  But, when you evolve enough in life, you evolve to a place where a stigma such as that matters very little to you.  Actually, it doesn’t matter at all.  Because nobody knows you or what you went through and as I have said from the beginning, if you don’t love yourself, you are no good to anyone else.

Every year since (ok, so it’s only been 1 year), there seems to be something happening in my life that has caused major change.  And every single time, without fail, I see transformation.  Even when I think there isn’t room for it.  The simple recognizing of that in itself is amazing.  So, I decided to keep documenting.

I hop into the niece’s session because I want them to see that I was present.  Our family has a unique closeness, but at the same time, we aren’t too good at loving each other completely out loud.  I want them to see that differently and to change with me.  I also throw in a few shots of myself to remind me of my own journey and where I was at that time.

My point in justifying my fabulous new pics that truly captured me 🙂 is to tell you that it’s ok.  It’s ok to be present.  It’s ok to take a gazillion pictures and to document your life.  After all, some day when you’re gone it’s all that people will have of you.   It is not ok, however, to get the pictures back and destroy yourself in critiquing them.  Don’t do it.  I know you’re going to, I did too.  Then I made myself stop and remember why I do it, where I was, and where I am.  And that picture is worth more than a thousand words 🙂

Love yourself.  Document yourself.  Tell your own story so that you know it’s told right!

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Building Your Revolution Army

Hello There World!  Hope you’re having as great of a Sunday as I am!  Check out the latest video below to see what’s going on in revolution land 🙂

Quote of the day:  Our actions are evident of what we care about 😉

Songs I’m loving these days:

Ho Hey – the Lumineers

Try – Pink

Movie Buzz:  Silver Linings Playbook is a MUST MUST MUST see.  As in, stop what you’re doing and figure out a time when you can go see it!!!!

Much love for a great week ahead!