Fancy’s Swimsuit Edition…..Wearing Whatever the Flip I want……..

I typed. Retyped. Started a new draft, with new thoughts. Went back to the old draft. I made sure I covered all the past things that got me here (mean high school girls, chocolate gravy for breakfast as a little girl, hysterectomy at a very young age).  And all that just took up too many words and seemed to STILL miss the one main point of this post, all together.

All I really need to say is this….I have fallen in in love with my body. And with that said, I have some killer swimsuits this season that need their moment.  So please allow me to introduce you to some great swimsuits for those of us with a little oomph and extra! 🙂  Of course, they come with a few paragraphs of life lesson, which I hope you won’t mind!  Frankly, I just do not care about how uncomfortable you are with how fantastic I feel about myself, nor do I care to suffer through an Arkansas summer more covered than necessary (I HATE THE HEAT)!

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It makes zero sense to be this in love with a body that needs so much improvement. But I truly love it. I actually don’t want it to look too much differently than it does now. I mean that. I have come a LONG WAY in ceasing to compare myself with other bodies.  It feels SO GOOD to look at a pic of another woman and think “she is so pretty” or “I love that outfit” versus the other horrible comparisons I would do, or even worse, trying to find someone that I thought looked bigger and worse than me so that I would feel better about what I currently looked like. I am so ashamed to admit that I did that.

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I want this body to be healthier. I don’t want gravity to take over. I need the fine lines and wrinkles to simmer down.  However, this poor body has carried me through some terrible times. It has had the worst neglect and too many “I’ll start tomorrow”, to count. It has been beaten and spit on. In it’s current state, literally every day that I wake up, it has to decide to fight against an illness I like to pretend I don’t have. Lately, walking at all is more of an accomplishment than I have shared with most of my people.

 

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It could’ve failed me long ago. It could’ve put out a completely different reflection, based on what I have put in it over time. But it hasn’t (thankfully!!). So, I owe it a bit more credit than I have given it in the past. PLUS, I decorate it pretty well on most days!

I know how much work it took, to only take way too long to get here.  The last thing I want is to contribute to any other little girl or woman watching me attack myself and thinking it’s ok.  I try to be especially careful of what I say about myself when I am in front of my nieces or friend’s kids (or on first dates, for the matter).  It’s VERY important to me that I do all that i can to influence them to value themselves, just the way they are. It is my passion that every girl feel good about and love herself.  I mean that with every fiber in this newly loved body!

So when I walked out of my room in my swimsuit and my nieces said “Oh Auntie Ricia, I love that suit.  You look so so pretty!!!”, and when they were the ones who pushed for me to “put it on your Instagram” …..I figured today was just as good as any to do the swimsuit showoff I have wanted to do for so long.  I want them to see me loving my body and being ok with whomever may see it.

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I had been waiting for the perfect situation (makeup, hair, tan, someone to help me snap the pics, perfect weather, not bloated….miracle major weight loss, bla bla and so on)…when all I really needed were a couple of 8 year olds saying “put your hand on your hip and smile bigger”.  I wanted to even hire someone with mad photoshop skills to do a little smoke and mirrors.  But, that would defeat the purpose of the lesson, right?  Hold please, I need to pause and take another deep breath.  I cannot believe I’m doing this.

 

 ANYWAY……the process was pretty hilarious and has made for an awesome memory for them.  We got caught in a storm while we were at the pool, doing the initial shoot.  We powered through and then made a mad dash back to my apartment, completely drenched (see “after pic directly below)! Even though most of those pics were ruined and we had to call reinforcements in for help, the littles learned a lot about dancing in the rain and finding the good in not ideal situations.  They went from being a bit scared of the storm, to getting back upstairs and saying “THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN, AUNTIE RICIA”!!!  Mission accomplished!!!

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I think it’s funny how this whole life thing is working out. I’m aware of the bad decisions that got me in this physical state and I long to be healthier. I had no idea how hard the mental road to reverse lifestyle and upbringing would be. I get SO FRUSTRATED that now my body just can’t cooperate that easily to just get healthier.  I am angry at an illness that provides hurdles and still struggle with the looks I get from people when I try to explain (you know that look of “if you would just lose some weight you would……be this or that).  But even in this state. I’m also the happiest I have ever been. I love how kind life is back to you , when you try to work alongside it versus fighting it or going your own road.

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The scale may not show it, but in many ways I have shed weight. The weight of toxic people (and more of that is in the works). The weight of trying to please others. The weight of saying yes all the time. The weight of worrying myself sick about what others might think or how they spin their side of a story (it’s really none of my business what people think or say of me). That alone has probably shed thousands of pounds 😛.  I am consciously trying to be kinder and speak love and encouragement to others.  I am declaring that I absolutely refuse, from this moment forward, to make one woman feel better, by tearing another down (i.e. Oh his new girlfriend is way uglier than you).

This week, my nieces showed me that they genuinely think I am beautiful. So I guess I should let myself believe it too. As a matter of fact, I have no intentions of hanging out with anyone who doesn’t see me the way they do, anymore! I hope when they are older, they come across this rambling and know what a cool day this turned out to be!

I’m promising myself that I will believe in this post.  I will not worry or let my mind wonder to a place where there are screenshots and memes made and conversations behind my back!  I will try my best not to worry about a few that I know would never say anything to my face, but will definitely not agree that I should be this comfortable being this fat, much less putting it all on the internet.  I’m not going to give in to worrying about how much better I would look if I actually had knees 🙂 (for the record, I never really have, even at my smallest).

I hope that if you’ve read this far and browsed the included pics, that you see joy and that you feel inspired to be just a little nicer to yourself when you sport your next swimsuit.  And lastly, I hope that if you came across this and use it to shame, belittle, or talk about “did you see what Alicia had the nerve to post of herself….that girl is too big to be wearing a two piece”…..that you have a few days of explosive diarrhea! :p

I will be forever thankful for three little girls who made me feel like the prettiest girl in the world (and a few friends who go out of their way to make me feel that way often!)!

The end (for now).

P.s.

I wore the two piece the rest of the day, while we played and enjoyed some sunshine. It felt so fire!! Look at this look! It screams comfortable and relaxed!!!

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Swimsuit Info/Links:

Red two piece

Black/White Wrap

Black w/ aztec-ish trim

Gingham top

Black and White Strapless and RWB Paisley: Walmart (two years ago, no longer available) – but here is a link to their great swimsuit options from this season 

Breakup University

I am going back to school. 🙂 even though I practically have a masters degree from the school of hard knocks, it seems as if I need to take myself back for a bit of Breaking Up 101. I am not talking about dating break ups either (I seem to be an expert at getting broken up with already). I am talking about breaking up with those people or even “things” that are no longer good for you.

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See, I am a fixer and an extreme lover of broken people. I am drenched in my mother’s “loves to be needed” DNA. I love to meet new people. I cling to them! Literally. When I first meet someone, I just want to know all about them. I usually make fast friends. It’s always later down the road when I am hip deep in the new found friendship that I sometimes realize that I have fallen into a situation that is not healthy. The problem with being so drawn to people (especially broken ones) is that you can easily become so absorbed in them (healing them, listening to their woes for hours, being too available) that you lose yourself without even realizing it.

I know. I know. We are all broken in some way. I in no way claim to be unbroken or superior to anybody. But when you make yourself too available and you give 123% of yourself to a friendship, you also start expecting. And when you cast expectations on people who aren’t built to give them to you, enter disappointment. Disappointment that you are partially to blame for because, chances are, they don’t even know what you expect from them. Everyone’s 100% looks different. I love learning the five love languages for this reason. It was eye opening for me to learn and finally accept that what my “all” is could be different than yours. And that’s ok. What is NOT ok is when you are in a situation of constant hurt. We could cover so much more of this in a long, in depth book so I will try to keep it short. 🙂 (and we all know that attempt will fail miserably. But hang in there. I promise this is good) When you are in a friendship that leaves you feeling drained, rejected, used, or any other negative emotion, you HAVE to stop. You have to step back and evaluate. What are the emotions I am left with and is the person even aware that it is leaving me this way? If this is “just how they are” am I ok with it always being like that? Are they being respectful of you? Do they place value on your friendship with them?

20140709-214916.jpg I have recently been in quite the struggle with myself and a few friendships. I tend to hang on out of loyalty or “not being the bad guy”. There is also a little hanging on because I know when I go away, they probably won’t even notice. And that hurts. And quite frankly I am tired. I am not moving forward with being a better me because I am too busy “crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t jump puddles for me” (love that quote). I have to accept that some people are not in your life forever. You don’t have to be my friend. We can all still exist on the planet. 🙂 I cannot move on to the next phase of becoming more awesome and making my dreams come true (and believe me, I am right on the edge of some pretty big things) if I keep crying over hurt feelings from unhealthy friendships.

So, it’s time we breakup. I will not be readily available for you when you don’t have anything better to do. I will not be the one always initiating contact. I will not hang out with you only when I suggest it and only at your house and then watch you post pics of being out having a great time (when you know dang well I would love to be out too). I will not listen to the same problems over and over while you don’t even ask or encourage me about things in my life. I will not be an afterthought.

20140709-214852.jpg What I will be to anyone interested in real friendship is loving. I will love you hard. It’s what I do. I will pray for you more than I pray for myself. I will make you laugh. Mostly at me, but laugh nonetheless. I will make you cheesy crafts for your birthday but not give them to you until months later (because my memory is horrible and I am a procrastinator). My friendship isn’t for everyone. I talk too much (mostly about myself). I am needy. I will flake on 3/5 things you invite me too. And if you are hurting physically, I will retreat and seem like the worst friend ever (because if I can’t fix it or make it better I can’t watch suffering of any kind). BUT, I accept that I am not for everyone. And I am thankful for the ones who hang around. 🙂

So be ok with breaking up. No dramatic profession of departure needed. Just quietly walk away knowing you value yourself enough to know when a situation is unhealthy and needs to go. PLUS, the longer you continue, the less of the best you that person is getting. And that’s a wrap on my profound wisdom :-p HAPPY THURSDAY!!!