A Pickled Awakening

I have mentioned to several that it feels very weird to “have my life back”. I didn’t realize how much I was working (and how much of me and my time I was sacrificing) to try and keep up with the demands. I was one person, trying to serve as 4 (and failing pretty miserably in a lot of areas).

I prayed harder than I ever have in my life. I prayed for rest. For regroup. For my health. For a fresh start. For a place that would be a good job fit, but also allow me to fulfill (what I think is) my purpose outside of that realm. To be able to write again and be a champion for others to figure out just how great they really are. For someone to know my tough act was just that…..an act.

I got distracted. I took on friends that didn’t deserve the love and prayer I had to give (ok everyone deserves prayer). And unfortunately they also didn’t value it when it was given. Sadly, I had warning straight from the big man himself and still chose not to listen. I was left trying to pour from an empty cup. I was left a little cracked and almost shattered at this point. It’s not that person’s fault completely. I put them in a role they didn’t ask for and my expectations were never even voiced outside of my own head. Lesson learned. And it was a good one to learn. Not everybody deserves to know me intimately or deserves my gifts (I never looked at it that way before and more on that later – but it’s true).

And then I went back to praying for me. To be that better, charismatic, influential person that I knew was in there somewhere. She was just so damn tired. I couldn’t wake her.

Fast forward to present day…or present night. Where I’m sitting in my car, happy tears streaming down my face, eating pickles. And it’s messy (my face andy fingers – look, it’s day one of a healthy lifestyle change and I’m struggling and my coach said pickles are ok!)

For 4 weeks I have wondered around aimlessly at night. I have filled my time with a few (great) trips, Netflix, random dinners, or even literally just sitting on my couch doodling. I have had no idea what to do with myself because I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t going home just to let the dog out and change, so that I would be more comfortable if I was going to work til midnight. I haven’t “done anything” of significance out of fear. I think I keep waiting on someone to bust me out for not working. Like, it’s not real that I really go home at 5 and don’t have to answer emails. To say I’m having some adjustment issues I guess would be an understatement. 😎

But back to tonight….and my point. I ended up at a bible journaling class. I have wanted to do it for a long time but didn’t know where to start, so I was elated when a friend offered her expertise to help the less creatively fortunate.

It was like with every step I applied to my page, there was release. And happy. And exhale. I could’ve stayed there the rest of the night creating. Of course it’s no coincidence that the scripture page picked was basically a neon sign, reminding me that I am on purpose.

Y’all, that woman I have been searching for….she opened her eyes a little tonight. She woke up and stretched a little. She saw the sun peaking through the blinds. And someday soon (very soon), she is going to get out of that cave, put on the most obnoxiously bright dress and step back out into the sunshine.

And she is going to weigh less, both physically and mentally. She has heard every prayer. She has clung to every word of encouragement given to her. She has not taken for granted the “random” people who have recently crossed her path.

I am “she”. And I have never been more thankful or more aware of the season I have been in. Mark my words. SO MUCH greatness is coming from it. And I can’t wait!!!

SO THANKFUL for the most therapeutic exercise and night I have had in forever (and looking forward to lots more nights of creative journaling).

And I am praying that you, the beautiful/handsome one who has hung in to read thus far, finds just the right therapy that awakens the greatness in you too!!!

💗

Fyi – this is not a knock on my old company. I made my own choices. I learned A LOT and more than cherish some of the great people I learned from and now call friend.

Wearing the Things

America.  Here’s the deal.  I did NOT want to show you this outfit.  As much as I love sharing myself, especially my closet, some aspects are a real struggle to put out there.  The good days are good.  People seem to align to your way of thinking and the interwebs join in chorus of agreement that the look I chose for the day is “on fleek” (is that still a saying amongst you young ones?). The bad days, well, they’re not my favorite.  The days when people think because you are putting yourself out there and you are a blunt person, that they can take liberties in being blunt with you in telling you they don’t like your outfit, or if they were you, they wouldn’t wear this or that.

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One of my biggest “problem areas” physically is my legs.  I have written about them before (remember that guy that called them log legs? Read here if you want).  What’s bigger than my fear of criticism for wearing this style of shoe when I have such big ankles, is my stubbornness.  I am determined to overcome my own stigmas I have attached to myself and to come to a place where when I walk in a room, others can’t keep from catching some of the enthusiasm and fierceness I plan to exude! The stubborn came out in full force when I spotted these shoes on the shelf last year.  They fit, they’re red and they scream “wear me everywhere you can and own every step”!!!  Every voice in my head was saying “ugh, you can’t wear that type of shoe because of your ankle” but all I could concentrate on was that one tiny voice that would wait til it got quiet and then whisper “who. flipping. cares.  These shoes were made for you, dollface”
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Up until today, I have only worn them with jeans to mask at least a little of the legs and create the illusion that I “deserve” to wear them, just like someone with smaller legs.  Wow, that’s hard to type out loud.  It’s been in my head for a while…….I have literally had thoughts that I didn’t deserve to wear something because I’m not as little as they typical people who sport these looks.  And it’s as ridiculous for me to read my own typing of that, as it is for you to read it on your screen.
But……
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Slowly but surely……and thanks to a lot of inspirational chicks who have “paved the way”………I have gotten more and more brave to sport certain looks and it’s feeling better and better every time that I do!  Today is one of the bravest days of them all!  There was a time, a few years ago, that I would’ve walked into a room and had women stared like this morning, I would’ve immediately thought “oh no, they think I look hideous.  I knew I shouldn’t have worn this.  They are probably going to talk about how fat I am.”.  Today, when I stopped by the store and noticed stares, my head immediately went to “oh good, they see how cute this is too!  I bet they want to know where I got these shoes.  I wonder if they think I’m a famous person since I’m so snazzy this early in the morning”!  Do you know how much work that took but how INCREDIBLE it feels.  My mind simply feels lighter and more joyful.  It starts there and leads to me being kinder than normal, more enthusiastic and definitely more energetic.
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I ramble all of that to say this:

I took the VERY LONG way around in all that “find yourself”, “love yourself”, “be comfortable in your own skin” mess that we all are supposed to arrive at.  I took the long way and choose to tell you about it in hopes that if you’re on your way, you get there a little quicker than I did.

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I can’t describe the feeling, but it’s simply awesome when you arrive there.  I physically feel different…..peaceful…..unstoppable…..almost too selfish in the aspect of not caring a single bit what is going on around me.  I wish I could say that I feel this way consistently, but unfortunately, I don’t. Further truth be told, not long ago, I let a really big jerk affect the way I feel and make me question myself.  THAT makes me furious, but that’s also for another blog 🙂 and I’m just too happy right now to write about a hot fireman who turned out to be your stereotypical douchelord.
That deserves a bit of a music break 🙂 This song is perfect for this blog and a little light dancing 🙂 Go ahead – do it!
I cling to the good days.  I document them and use them to remind me not to let the bad days win.  I have no secret weapons or magic potion to this whole living in my own skin thing.
  • I just try to be nice to me.
  • I try not to apologize for it.
  • I own myself and my attitude daily (even if it’s bad or misunderstood and misperceived).
  • I wear the things
  • I celebrate the wins and steps forward
  • I force myself to learn from the steps backwards and not to camp out there very long
Wear the things that make you feel amazing and wear them unapologetically, dang it!!!!!!  I PROMISE you that it will be a small start to a huge ripple effect.  I mean that with all my heart.
If you know nothing else about me, know that there are few who can deny that I am genuine and overly passionate in what I believe.  I believe that every single person should love every single thing about them and NOBODY has the right to impose anything but love and kindness upon them.  If putting my “log legs” out there and rambling about what goes on in my crazy head helps one person to believe that even a fraction more than they did before they started this blog, I win…..and the jerks lose 🙂
The End.
If this got you as fired up  as it did me when I typed it 🙂  Read some other good ones where I “was woman hear me roar”….aka, I wore the things!

Dress Rehearsal

Dress Rehearsal

Well HELLOOOOOO there! Long time no chat! I would love to declare that I’m back on to be so diligent in posting and such…..but, that would most likely be a false promise 🙂

To be honest, I have been struggling a lot lately. Not with anything major….but with just enough to make me think I shouldn’t be on here. And we all know that’s not true right? I mean, that’s the point of this….for us to all walk together. And if I’m not transparent even in my struggles with you, then I am robbing you of the chance to either learn from it with me, lift me up, or set me straight 🙂

Anywho! I chatted with the dearest friend today who so gently pointed out my need to control 🙂 She was such a great help, I thought everyone else needed to enjoy it too!

The honesty of my friend today when she said “you’re trying to have control. If we have control over the bad things, then we will see them coming and they won’t hurt so bad. Sadly that’s not true” was just what i needed. And her quote couldn’t have been more perfect! To add on to that, when you are always expecting the bad to happen (because that’s what’s happened in the past right) it’s all you start to see. And that, quite frankly, is beyond exhausting. Literally.
There was a time when my faith was at its strongest that I worried about nothing. The peace that kind of state brings is amazing. I can’t wait to get back there 🙂