Wearing the Things

America.  Here’s the deal.  I did NOT want to show you this outfit.  As much as I love sharing myself, especially my closet, some aspects are a real struggle to put out there.  The good days are good.  People seem to align to your way of thinking and the interwebs join in chorus of agreement that the look I chose for the day is “on fleek” (is that still a saying amongst you young ones?). The bad days, well, they’re not my favorite.  The days when people think because you are putting yourself out there and you are a blunt person, that they can take liberties in being blunt with you in telling you they don’t like your outfit, or if they were you, they wouldn’t wear this or that.

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One of my biggest “problem areas” physically is my legs.  I have written about them before (remember that guy that called them log legs? Read here if you want).  What’s bigger than my fear of criticism for wearing this style of shoe when I have such big ankles, is my stubbornness.  I am determined to overcome my own stigmas I have attached to myself and to come to a place where when I walk in a room, others can’t keep from catching some of the enthusiasm and fierceness I plan to exude! The stubborn came out in full force when I spotted these shoes on the shelf last year.  They fit, they’re red and they scream “wear me everywhere you can and own every step”!!!  Every voice in my head was saying “ugh, you can’t wear that type of shoe because of your ankle” but all I could concentrate on was that one tiny voice that would wait til it got quiet and then whisper “who. flipping. cares.  These shoes were made for you, dollface”
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Up until today, I have only worn them with jeans to mask at least a little of the legs and create the illusion that I “deserve” to wear them, just like someone with smaller legs.  Wow, that’s hard to type out loud.  It’s been in my head for a while…….I have literally had thoughts that I didn’t deserve to wear something because I’m not as little as they typical people who sport these looks.  And it’s as ridiculous for me to read my own typing of that, as it is for you to read it on your screen.
But……
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Slowly but surely……and thanks to a lot of inspirational chicks who have “paved the way”………I have gotten more and more brave to sport certain looks and it’s feeling better and better every time that I do!  Today is one of the bravest days of them all!  There was a time, a few years ago, that I would’ve walked into a room and had women stared like this morning, I would’ve immediately thought “oh no, they think I look hideous.  I knew I shouldn’t have worn this.  They are probably going to talk about how fat I am.”.  Today, when I stopped by the store and noticed stares, my head immediately went to “oh good, they see how cute this is too!  I bet they want to know where I got these shoes.  I wonder if they think I’m a famous person since I’m so snazzy this early in the morning”!  Do you know how much work that took but how INCREDIBLE it feels.  My mind simply feels lighter and more joyful.  It starts there and leads to me being kinder than normal, more enthusiastic and definitely more energetic.
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I ramble all of that to say this:

I took the VERY LONG way around in all that “find yourself”, “love yourself”, “be comfortable in your own skin” mess that we all are supposed to arrive at.  I took the long way and choose to tell you about it in hopes that if you’re on your way, you get there a little quicker than I did.

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I can’t describe the feeling, but it’s simply awesome when you arrive there.  I physically feel different…..peaceful…..unstoppable…..almost too selfish in the aspect of not caring a single bit what is going on around me.  I wish I could say that I feel this way consistently, but unfortunately, I don’t. Further truth be told, not long ago, I let a really big jerk affect the way I feel and make me question myself.  THAT makes me furious, but that’s also for another blog 🙂 and I’m just too happy right now to write about a hot fireman who turned out to be your stereotypical douchelord.
That deserves a bit of a music break 🙂 This song is perfect for this blog and a little light dancing 🙂 Go ahead – do it!
I cling to the good days.  I document them and use them to remind me not to let the bad days win.  I have no secret weapons or magic potion to this whole living in my own skin thing.
  • I just try to be nice to me.
  • I try not to apologize for it.
  • I own myself and my attitude daily (even if it’s bad or misunderstood and misperceived).
  • I wear the things
  • I celebrate the wins and steps forward
  • I force myself to learn from the steps backwards and not to camp out there very long
Wear the things that make you feel amazing and wear them unapologetically, dang it!!!!!!  I PROMISE you that it will be a small start to a huge ripple effect.  I mean that with all my heart.
If you know nothing else about me, know that there are few who can deny that I am genuine and overly passionate in what I believe.  I believe that every single person should love every single thing about them and NOBODY has the right to impose anything but love and kindness upon them.  If putting my “log legs” out there and rambling about what goes on in my crazy head helps one person to believe that even a fraction more than they did before they started this blog, I win…..and the jerks lose 🙂
The End.
If this got you as fired up  as it did me when I typed it 🙂  Read some other good ones where I “was woman hear me roar”….aka, I wore the things!

Earning My Stripes

Today’s shopping in my closet comes courtesy of copy catting. I have seen plaid and stripes a lot and been wanting to try it on myself. I am sure some of you out there can relate to a fear of putting stripes on a bigger body. But, if I am gonna live unapologetically this year, I can’t say I am sorry for trying off beat patterns. 
  
It is probably still too soon to wear this dress for the stomach I still have. But i did it and I am not sorry. This dress was made to do you favors and those criss-cross stripes are my friend! Most importantly, it’s all comfy for the all day meetings I am headed into. 

Luckily, thanks to great hair and good lipstick, my only decisions are how to manage my water intake to bathroom trip ratio when I am stuck in a conf room all day!! 

  
I dare you to wear stripes and plaid. And I dare you to have a good day doing it!!

Dungeons and Douchebags: I’ve Never Dated a Curvy Girl

First, let me just tell you how incredible I feel today!  I have been waiting for just the right time to pull out this amazing dress, that fits like a glove if I do say so myself, and today was it!  I was lucky enough to score this dress for FREE and to say that I feel pretty fantastic in it, would be the understatement of the year. Can we just take a minute to admire the awesome details all over this dress before we jump into douchbaggery? 🙂 I will just hang out here while you check it out (isn’t the embroidery so very awesome??).
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Since I am feeling so incredible, and strong, I feel like today is just as good as any to address some dating tips for the men folk.
Recently, I was talking to a guy that I had hoped would lead up to a meeting and great convo over coffee.  He was an older gentleman and according to his pictures, quite handsome.  He looked a little worn to be honest, but I didn’t mind…….my hope was that it meant he was a rugged individual who would be able to climb a tower to rescue me if necessary (ok, that is a stretch, but I’m feeling animated today).
We had talked before but it fizzled out (which should’ve been my first clue).  This time, he decides to say “Can I be brutally honest?”.  I always brace myself when I get a text like that.  You just never know where it’s headed from there.
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After our conversation, and his surprise that I wasn’t completely offended, he has not contacted me again.  We text a few times, only because I initiated the conversation.  This is the part where I realize early enough that he is “just not that into me” and move along.  And I will.  Because I am strong enough to…….especially in this dress today!
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When you explain to a woman that you can’t date her because of her size, what you are really saying is:

  1. I hold myself in such a regard, that I think I am extremely handsome and therefore in a higher regard than you as a fat person. There is a 99.999% chance that you would not qualify for People’s hottest men. This thinking (whether you realize you are doing it or not) makes you a jackass.

  2. Not that number 1 wasn’t enough to just stop, let’s discuss a few more. You are saying that you have no ability to invest time. Cause you might discover that the fat girl is working on herself everyday. Not necessarily to be a skinny minny…but to be a better, healthier version of herself. If she is as strong, ambitious and kickbutt as I happen to be, then she is also probably working towards conquering the world and realizes she needs to be the best version of her to do so.  Because she is most likely self aware enough that she needs to be her best…..what your statement says is that you are not willing to invest time and be a part of that improvement.

  3. You are clearly not self aware. Cause unless you are walking around with zero body fat, the title of Mr. Olympia, and the servant heart of Mother Teresa, you need self improvement too. The difference is, that girl was probably willing to invest the time in you and would’ve probably loved you despite you not carrying the Mr. Olympia title.

  4. You are insecure. You need a “pretty” person to validate yourself. And you probably couldn’t have handled this girl anyway. That might seem a bit dramatic, but I promise you that deep down (maybe deeper for some than others) that plays a part. Maybe you are worried what your friends would think…..again…insecurity.

Do I care that you don’t want to date a bigger girl?  Really, I don’t.  Not even a little bit.  And I have no desire to launch a war against all men who don’t want to date big girls.  What I DO want to do is make you aware that we don’t care and that while you probably think we are crying in a corner over your decision, we are really thinking the above.
Do us a favor and don’t even engage. We aren’t here to make you feel better or like you are saving us. And we are probably too fabulous on our own journey to derail it for you. We won’t morph into the naughty body you are looking for overnight. And there is a huge chance that we don’t want to.
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For those of you just joining us, I have been shopping in my closet in an effort not to save money.  So, we couple that with other randomness to bring you these blogs 🙂  Check out my Shopping In My Closet Project here!  Take a look around!

More Than One Way to Skin a Cat!

Another way to wear the polka dots! Part of the beauty in shopping in my closet is getting to mix and match things.  So many of my pieces go together in so many ways, that I am fortunate to not be married to the same outfit every time (well that’s weird for me to say, “fortunate not to be married”……sigh…..dating blows….but anyway!).
 
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I wore jeans instead of a skirt and threw in red accessories. ❤️ It still feels just as sassy as with the red skirt. My only regret is that I didn’t remember my red suede heels! But, I had to be up and ready by 6:30, so we won’t judge too harshly. I also struggled on which glasses to pair with this. Would polka dotted glasses be too much? Psshhh…why did I even ask? Of course not!! It is so strange to me to be so in love with so many things I would’ve never considered before.
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I want to make two points today thanks to the inspiration of this outfit 🙂  My mind is going 90 to nothing, so hang in there.
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Point number 1:  There is more than one way to skin a cat.  
If you’re from the south, you surely have heard this before!  I have been thinking about this a lot lately.  Ok, mostly I have been thinking about it while I drive to work because traffic and construction have been a total bear lately.  I was so angry at it the other day, but then realized, there is literally not a place in my town that I know of, that you can’t get to from more than one place.  There are very few places that only have one way to get there.  So quit griping and take another route.
Which brings us to the obvious point I am trying to make.  Just because something doesn’t work out the way we tried it, doesn’t mean there aren’t other ways to try it.  You probably tried it the way you did in the first place because you think you had it all figured out and you have to be in control (or maybe that’s just me).  So failing wasn’t bad after all.  Why?  Because now you are forced to try it a different way.  Potentially a better way.  Should you keep trying and failing?  That’s up to you.  But you should never give up after the first fail when there are other ways to do it.
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Point number 2: Recheck your love
Huh?  Like I said above, I have fallen in love with things that I never considered before.  Worthy of a whole blog on it’s own, but I’ll try to hit the highlights.  Of course being able to fall in love with new things meant I had to be open to the idea of it at all.  And, it’s no secret that to do that, you have to start with some work on yourself.  We could go into that for days, but let’s pretend you’re already there and ready to discover new loves.  Does that sentence alone not excite you?  Say it out loud “ready to discover new loves”.  Oh, it just gets me pumped!! I’m smiling just typing it!
You have to make a conscious effort to try something new.  But even more importantly, you have to agree from the start that negativity is not allowed.  You can’t go into the new and allow dread to come with you.  Most likely, it will win out every time.
For example, polka dots.  I have always hated them because I have fed into the fact that it doesn’t do anything flattering for my body and I didn’t need any help drawing attention to “all this”.  But when I started seeing polka dots everywhere and loving what I saw on the rack (and on stationary, and crafts, and 4 million other things), I tried it.  I literally sat in the dressing room, looked in the mirror and said “if you are going to try this on, you are not allowed to say one bad thing about yourself in it.  You can not like it.  That’s fine.  But you cannot hate it and you cannot degrade yourself in the process”.  I try it on and think “hmm, not so bad there fancy”.  Then I start imagining all the things I could do with it!  Add a belt, which helps eliminate the bulky look by showing that I actually do have a waist.  Throw red in the mix, because, duh.  Wear it with a skirt. Wear it with jeans.  Wear it with colored pants……..see what I mean…..it just happened.  I left the store with a little extra pep in my step!
Once I fell in love with polka dots on my body, I felt like I couldn’t stop falling in love with other things.  I wanted to try so much new stuff, that I started a list.  I was actually quite distracted by it and am so happy to have an even longer list of new things I love.  And all of that leads to our favorite word….happiness.  Can’t type that without smiling either.
In fact, I have typed this whole blog with a smile on my face.  Because as I type it out loud, I am realizing (even though it’s simple), how happy I really am.  It’s such a good place to be!  I am happy despite illness.  I am happy despite a broken heart.  I am happy despite being unsettled in a few areas.  I am just so happy.  And I want you to be, too!
HAPPY WEDNESDAY!
(P.s. No, I didn’t wear the shirt two days in a row 😝- this skirt variation is from a weekend shoot)

Fancy Faux Parenting: Yoga For Beginners

Today’s faux mom adventures are going to highlight a recent attempt at yoga for my exchange student and I.  I’m not sure why I thought this might actually go smoothly. Nothing with me ever really does.  Add her into the mix, now that she is really relaxing and I am seeing her hysterical personality, and you have the makings of the blog before you. 🙂
My only regret in this experience was that I didn’t capture any pictures or video.  So, we will incorporate an Outfit Of The Day selection instead and kill two birds with one stone.  In actuality, getting into this skirt took a few yoga moves, so technically it fits the theme.
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Also, can we just all agree that the polka dots are fun?
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Back to yoga.  I love it.  I suck at it.  But, I love it.  If there is a level below beginner, that’s what I am.  I don’t even care, though.  I love how I feel even after one session.  It has been so good for my body and my mind lately.  I try to take a free class that is offered once per week.  In typical Alicia fashion, I fell off the wagon.  We are not going to spend time beating that up.  We are just all going to rejoice in the fact that I am trying to get back into it and how helpful it has already been.
Feeling like once a week wasn’t enough, I ventured out and bought a beginner DVD set from Walmart.  It says beginner.  It came with a block (that’s code for “you can’t bend that far, so use this”).  I’m in.  Sold.  Can’t wait to light a candle at home, turn down the lights and get this yoga party started.
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Monica (my exchange student) decided that we should break out the videos and give them a try to relax us for the evening.  I was excited to have a partner.  The following are our highlights.
  •  Break out the DVD player and hook it up.  I had previously played it through AirPlay on my Mac.  Time elapsed: 15 minutes – we couldn’t get it to work.  Who knows why.
  • Put Introduction to Yoga for Beginners back into Mac and load up AirPlay.  Make it through 7 minutes of DVD with a decent attempt at the moves.
  • Stop for 3 minutes to talk about how this doesn’t seem beginner-isn at all.
  • Try the next 3 moves in hopes that, over the last 10 minutes, you have caught on and the rest of the DVD will make you look like a real yogi.  Breathe louder as you do this and the kid will think you are legit.
  •  Take a break for the next move/sequence.  This dude is crazy if he thinks this is beginners.  Explain to the kid that it’s not that you need a break, it’s just hard to see exactly what he is doing so you are going to readjust ourself.
  • Do 1 more move.  Try not to fall.  Take a 5 minute break to teach your Spanish student how to say “Yoga” in American. 🙂
  • Vote to try one of the other DVDs.  Let’s try Hath and Flow for beginners.  It mentioned relieving stress, so I’m always in for that! Do not show fear to the kid.  Hit play with a confidence that lets her know “this is going to be fantastic”.
  • Attempt the move where you raise your leg straight back in the air behind you, then bring your knee to your nose.  All while you’re on your hands and knees/legs.  Think to yourself “clearly this dude has never tried this with DDs and a flabby stomach in his way.  The knee is NOT making it to this nose.  Not today.”, but refrain from saying it out loud in front of your kid.
  • Make a mental note to ask your yoga instructor during the next class exactly how many times she is willing to see you in person in a week versus you having to go through another failed DVD session.  Make a second mental note to put the DVD set online to sell.  Wait a day, if nobody buys it, give it away.
  •  Look up just to check on your kid, only to see her stick her leg up, try to lean forward into somewhat of a pushup pose, and fall flat on her face.
  • Laugh hysterically for ten minutes.  Embrace your core during laughing to get an extra ab or two.  Because that ten minutes of laughter was more than any of the DVDs have done for you thus far.
  •  Carry your book to bed and stretch out while reading.
The End.

I Don’t Need You

I started out with this outfit solely to just throw something on and be present for a Monday.  I actually think that I accidentally grabbed it in a pile of stuff from my mom’s the last time I was home to visit (sorry mom).  But, for a Monday with little motivation, it would do.  Plus, I am pretty sure it’s one of my dad’s old shirts and when you miss your dad every single day, nothing he wore is considered out of style, right? 🙂
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When I added this blingy necklace (that I got for the crazy low price of $5) and threw on my booties, I suddenly fell in love with what I was wearing today.  Add in some great hair and a refreshed attitude and you have yourself a pretty snazzy lady today!  Then, as per usual, the voice of doubt showed up.  Today, it wanted to make me think twice about bling and plaid and should I really be wearing these booties with my big legs/ankles.  Thankfully, it didn’t stay around long once I replied with “I don’t need you”.
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That got me thinking, what else do I not need.  I mean, it’s one thing if I need to hear a voice of reason when I’m being ridiculous (although, as we have established, plaid and bling are not ridiculous).  It’s a completely different thing if the voices are a constant chipping away at you.  I took a quick inventory and decided to make a list of what I don’t need these days.  You should take inventory too!  What’s on your list?
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1.  I don’t need negativity in any form.  None.  Zero.  Whether it comes from my own head or from the voice of others, it cannot be allowed.  Does it happen anyway?  Sure.  But, it’s up to me to nix it at the first breath of it.
2.  I don’t need to compare.  I cannot get tied up in caring what another girl looks like, how pretty and seemingly perfect an ex’s new girlfriend is, or if someone else looks like they have it all together.  I often get mad that I seem to require so much work on myself.  Whether it be to undo past damage or to be in a place where I am “good enough”.  I feel like I should be in a better place and doing way more work at the service of others instead of myself.  But, the beautiful thing about MY journey is that I am being used (in a good way), even when I don’t see it.  I cannot continue to compare myself to anything other than who I was the day before.  And even then, I should only be comparing to evaluate the progress that I made from yesterday.
3.  I don’t need to chase.  I know that this is a time for me to just be still.  I know that if I continue in the disciplines that I am working on now, that I will actually become like a magnet and the things that are supposed to come my way will be drawn to me.  I don’t know about you, but when I really soak that up, it’s pretty exciting!
4.  I DO need lots of rest.  I DO need lots of hugs.  I DO need lots of laughter.  I DO need to make sure I am not concentrating too much on the “don’t” and that I squash it at the first sight of anything to derail me creeping in.  I DO need these fresh, beautiful flowers that were waiting on my desk when I got to work (what a great Monday morning starter, huh?)!  I DO need to do things that breath life and happiness in my little corner of the world.  And I have to be conscious of that daily!
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So, what’s the one thing you know you don’t need anymore of?  Share it with me and let’s send it on it’s way!!!

The One That Got Away’s Brother

Remember my great love the pink fur vest that got away? (if not, take a quick read here if you want)
Well, meet his brother.  Ok, that’s just a little weird.  But ever since that vest, it seems everywhere I go there is a fur vest staring me in the face.  If it’s not a fur vest, it’s those dang polka dots we talked about.
So, I caved.  I had enough on my gift card to cover all but $10 of this vest and to be honest, since it’s just been a bad couple of weeks, I chose to spend the money on this vest instead of drowning my sorrows and money into food.
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I was hesitant to wear it but I can’t describe to you how I feel when I put it on.  I feel sassy.  I feel a little powerful, in a barbaric, cave woman kinda way.  It doesn’t matter if you love me in it or hate me in it. I have actually brought a few pieces into my closet that I wouldn’t typically be brave enough to sport out in public.  I’m even opening myself up for more criticism by putting my hair in a ponytail.  What?  A fat girl, adding a furry vest to her body AND putting her hair up?  Then, she has the balls to tell the whole internet that she doesn’t care what they think? I won’t even argue that it’s not my most flattering piece of clothing.
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What I will argue, is my peace of mind.  And you should argue yours too!  I love this look.  I really do.  And I love the peace of mind I have when I declare (and genuinely mean it) that you can’t change my mind or convince me that I shouldn’t wear it.
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I don’t even have all the words to describe the most interesting work being done in me yet!  I am the most at peace I have EVER been.  I am excited because I know without a doubt something so big is coming.  I just have to stay the course and do the work.  Part of that work is minimalizing anything that holds that work up or isn’t moving me forward.  And the number one offender of all of that mess is self-doubt and self-hate, which is usually based on someone else’s opinion of me.  Nothing will interrupt my peace of mind faster than negative thoughts towards myself.  When your own body is physically attacking itself with illness, it’s easy to let the mind attack as well.
I love what Valerie Burton posted recently.  I plan to practice these daily since life seems to be trying like mad to knock me down (in the areas of physical health, love and such).  So repeat these after me, throw your hair in a ponytail (it’s actually my fav pic in this post) and sport a big furry vest, all while telling haters to take a hike! 🙂
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You and Your New Girlfriend Can Suck It!

Today, I am unstoppable.  It’s a dangerous place to be for someone with my drive and personality.  When you wake up feeling this good and confident, you can take over the world.  And usually, you do, for that day.  The dangerous part comes in when you have so much confidence and excitement for the day that your cares and give a crap meter breaks.  You are more likely to take on that tough situation with a little more gumption than normal.
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That’s where I am at today.  My name is Alicia, and I am unstoppable.  I have an amazing outfit (which we will touch on in a bit), good hair, sparkly bracelets, and I feel great (which is few and far between these days with this new illness bullcrap).  And all of that makes me dangerous.
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MAYBE, just maybe, typing this out loud will keep me from going “all out” today.  We can hope.  But I have an overwhelming urge to address a lingering topic in my life and doing it in this fabulous outfit just seems right.
We all know I love furiously.  That’s the problem with my personality.  When I go, I go hard.  I’m in 410% and sometimes it’s more than disappointing when I don’t feel like the person on the other side is in the same amount.  We’ve talked before in previous blogs about my need to keep my heart in check.  I can’t keep giving it away or I’m not going to have any left for the actual right person that comes along.
Lately, I seem to be the one left standing alone while past suitors latch on to great new relationships.  The typical stuff seems to happen.  They don’t want me or commitment, but then they all of the sudden find THAT woman that makes them do everything they said they would never do and ride off into eternal bliss sunset.  OF COURSE I am not delusional enough to think that it really is that perfect.  But, let’s be honest, when you’re hurt, it sure seems like it.
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BUT TODAY.  TODAY, in all that is fabulous within me.  With all the truth that I know about me and the over abundance of feel good, I address this in my life.  TODAY is the day that worrying about or comparing myself to the new girl (or any other girl) stops.
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I’m sorry I wasn’t for you.  Maybe I was too strong.  Maybe I was too clingy.  Maybe I was too much in general for a host of reasons.  Maybe you knew that you couldn’t keep up with me or be the top notch man I deserved.  Maybe you didn’t like my size.  WHATEVER the reason, that’s on you.  And it’s ok.  Because you not wanting me doesn’t make me less awesome.  TODAY is the day that I say that out loud and give zero cares.
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Today, you and your new girlfriend can suck it.  I will just be over here looking amazing in my great outfit and working on being a better me.  Working towards the best me, actually.
*Disclaimer:  for all the Nosey Roseys out there – this is not directed at one particular man.  There are plenty of exes in my life lately that have gotten way too much of my energy and comparing.  To the exes – don’t get butt hurt.  You’re the ones who didn’t want me, so don’t sit there and pout that I’m writing about it.  🙂 
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Stopped typing for a sec to see if maybe I had developed a remorse for tying the above and being too blunt…..nope… :p
NOW – about this outfit!  I caved and tried Gwynnie Bee.  It’s a clothes subscription much like Stitch Fix, but for plus sized women.  Honestly, they drove me nuts on email and I was about to unsubscribe until they offered me a free month.  Of course, they send me this greatness in an effort to pull me in further……and it’s almost working.
  • The jacket is sheer.  The tag even says “M”, as in medium, which I appreciate (even though I accept that I’m not)
  • The skirt, well, it’s just heaven.  It fits like a glove.  It’s comfortable.  And I NEVER thought I would love a slit in my skirt, BUT I DO.
  • I added my own jewelry, cami and heels and VOILA, you see the awesome result.
  • Bonus:  my nails just happen to be glittery too!
I repeat, I am unstoppable.  🙂

Planning My Funeral

Before I even start this post, I need you to understand that I am sometimes (ok, always) random and a tiny bit weird.  I often wonder if some of the things that go on in my head also go on in other people’s heads.  I am convincing myself that they do and I am relying on those people showing up to read this blog.  The rest of you, well, you were warned. 🙂

DSCN0215When I saw this dress online a while back, I was completely drawn to it for two reasons.  One, I love the style of being a bit 50’s-ish.  Secondly, funerals.  Whether you want to admit it or not, or whether you think I’m a total loon, every girl needs a funeral dress.  Obviously, this dress is fabulous enough to work for tons of other functions, but I primarily bought it for funerals.  Clearly, I don’t sit around anticipating another’s death.  I also don’t mean for it to seem as if I treat a funeral like a fashion show.  

I do, however, feel like it’s important to look classy and a bit reserved for such an occasion (it’s really the only occasion I believe this for, by the way).  You cannot go wrong with pearls (even if they are fake) and a black dress.  When I came across this dress I realized that I didn’t have a dress that fit my “funeral belief system” and when I discovered that I could snag this for $20, I jumped right on it.  Now, all I need is for someone to die.  JUST KIDDING!!!!!  I just knew that once I coupled this with my pearls and black heels, that I was definitely going to win any Audrey Hepburn costume contests!

DSCN0216Once the dress arrived, I tried it on and realized it was THE PERFECT funeral dress for any funeral……..except mine.  I started thinking about how I would make my funeral different from most (because I always want to be different and MAYBE I have a few control issues – even in my own death).  I can respect a classy funeral, after all, I just bought a dress for that exact event.  But, I need funeral fun.  So, in the event of my untimely death, I am publishing my funeral wishes for all of the interwebs to see……..and maybe to also make sure enough people see it so that my mom feels obligated to carry it out versus putting me in a button up cardigan and pearls! 🙂 Weird?  Probably so.  Cares?  Zero.  

1

Unless you’re an ex that broke up with me and realized how incredibly stupid that decision was and now it’s too late to do anything about it.


2

Enough Said

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I’m pretty sure that the fact that my chest will be stiff should be taken advantage of.  Gravity has taken over my boobs these days, so death may cause them to be stiff enough to go back where they were in my twenties and I don’t want to waste it.

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Bold red lipstick though, not “I just crawled out of my pimp’s car to go to a job” red. 

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I don’t want someone up there talking about anything boring.  I just want people to tell funny stories.  Let me know if you need me to draft a script for everyone.

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This one is the most important.  It would be great if P!nk is still alive to just have her come do a few tunes.  If she’s not, anything upbeat that makes you wanna do a Rocky Balboa, stair type run will do.  It won’t even hurt my dead feelings if everyone breaks out into spontaneous dance.  If you REALLY loved me, you would all burst out into Don’t Stop Believin mid-funeral.

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Everyone at my funeral should be dressed in something bold and fun.  I don’t need it looking like a circus freak show….but getting out of your comfort zone is the least you can do for my death wish, right?

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Preferably in inflatable form, will do in lieu of flowers.  If there are flowers, leave the carnations out of it.  I don’t know why they got the dirty job of being the funeral flower, but they are not for me.

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First, I want a casket that you can write on.  Have colorful sharpies available and leave me a good love note.  I’ll know if you skip that part in the line and I will haunt you forever. 🙂 I kid!  Next, it needs to include lights.  Fun lights on the outside (that could potentially move to the music) and good, Hollywood type lighting around my face that accentuates my red lipstick and long eyelashes.  Forgot to mention that before.  The eyelashes need to be long.  I won’t hate you if you pick ones from the Halloween costume aisle that have a little sparkle to them.

baby-pink-glitter

Cover my grave in glitter.  Unless you’re my friend James.  He hates glitter, so he gets a pass.  The disco balls are for tombstone decorations, mostly because in all my years in advertising, nobody has let me incorporate it into any of my campaigns.  Actually, anyone who can pull off a real, spinning disco ball as my tombstone will get extra points.  I’ll be sure to put in a good word for you with the big man once I meet him. 

 

I think that gets us started.  I feel like if you all start with this list, the creative juices will continue to flow and my funeral will be an epic blowout.  

I think we can safely say that I feel comfortable with you people to share my weirdness so openly with.  Don’t leave me hanging!  Share one fun thing you would do at your funeral and reassure me that I’m at least a lovable weirdo! 🙂 

Happy Wednesday!

Outfit details:

Dress (completely customizable): Eshakti

Necklace: Sam Moon

Shoes: Nine West