Raw and Uncut…ex-boyfriends,triggers and hurts…..

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I wasn’t going to say anything.  I knew what was happening and I knew how I was trying to handle it was not going to work.  But, I let too much “noise” get in my head and tell me that nobody wants to hear it. Or, that it’s been long enough that I should be over it.  Or, the worst one, the voice of my ex boyfriend, immediately following the events, who kept saying “you’re too obsessed about it – you just have to get over it”……….

So, as per usual, I filled myself with temporary distractions.  So many distractions actually, that I ran myself in the complete opposite direction, straight into pure exhaustion.  In doing that, I seemed to forget one little detail……exhaustion is one of the two biggest enemies of my chronic condition.  And thanks to all that madness, here I sit………my body in total rebellion and if I’m being ridiculously raw, my heart sutures, a little busted.

And the only way I know how to feel better, is to write.  You see, no matter what you personally think of my words (or of me, for that matter), I don’t write them for you (or maybe this time, I actually do).  I write them because out of all the things I don’t like about myself, and out of all ways I question what the heck I am wondering around this planet for, typing words is the only thing I’m sure of.  It’s the only thing that boosts me into dealing with whatever I need to (yes, even if it’s a funny dating story).  And more than that, it’s the only thing that I KNOW is meant for something bigger than me.  I know if it’s taking me to such an uncomfortable place to write/type them, then it’s also meant for someone else to read.  Even if it’s just one person.  I think it’s even more cool that my job is to write it and release it.  It’s not for me to know where it lands from there.  

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Sorry, I digress.  I came here to admit and face today.  Not to over explain myself. So, Hi, my name is Alicia and I’m hurting.  I’m also angry.  I want to be in a different place and I’m not and I know it won’t go away until I tell you about it.  Why the universe puts me in these positions to open myself up to so much, I’m not sure….but I’m definitely gonna address it when I get in front of the big guy :p!

Five years ago this last week, at around 4:30 in the morning, I sent an email to my core tribe of friends, telling them that I was in serious danger and needed help.  I asked them not to contact me until I could escape and make contact with them.  I admitted that I hadn’t been truthful with them about what was going on in my life.  I confessed that I was terrified of what would happen to me.  For a few seconds, I questioned whether I was being too dramatic in what I was saying.  I couldn’t use my phone, and I wasn’t even sure if any of them would check their email.  Then, he woke up.  And it all started again.  Nope, definitely wasn’t dramatic in my email.  To this day, I firmly believe that if he hadn’t have passed back out from being so drunk, that he would have followed through on his promise to kill me.  And that was the start of a living hell on earth.  

My deliverance from abuse was nothing short of carefully orchestrated moments and miracles.  Period.  It just was.  I wish I could tell you more.  But I can’t.  Even after five years, I am yet to be able to sit down and write it all out or tell the story in any translatable format.  For someone like me, that is so foreign.  I’m a story teller after all.  Yet, it never fails that people come across my path and the story (or the parts that are needed to) come up.  I share and exhale.  And then I swell with gratefulness.  I struggle with why I’m not supposed to share the “cool” parts of the story with the masses.  But, I have to trust that it’s to come where it’s supposed to.  

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Let me bring the point of this a little more together and wrangle it in.

  1.  It still hurts.  It hurts differently.  But, it still hurts.  I’m not sure that it will ever go away.  And that’s ok.  I’m not where I was.  And healing doesn’t always mean it all goes away.  Being tough doesn’t shield you from the sneakiness of the triggers.  Those little brats show up out of nowhere.  I’m more than thankful to be equipped with the right tools and right people to help me through them.  There is no shame in the admittance of the triggers, the asking for help or the sitting and simply feeling them.  
  2. I shouldn’t have ignored the triggers this last week.  I knew it was coming.  This anniversary and a few other dates ALWAYS trigger something.  Thankfully, it’s smaller triggers, like simple unsettled feelings and a general uncomfortable feeling.  I start sleeping less EVERY SINGLE YEAR during this time (the thief comes in the night, right?).  And I try to ignore it.  Because, according to others, I should be over it already.  And EVERY SINGLE YEAR, I end up here.  Completely drained.  Mark these words though, it will be the last year that the ignoring happens.  Next year, it’s a tropical vacation of poolside sitting and feeling it all.  Raw.
  3. The physical scars and abuse went away.  The mental mountain has been way harder to climb.  I’m SO PROUD of all the work I have done and the network I have had to get over “him”.  You know what lingers the most?  The first person I dated after.  The one I said “ok” to and opened myself up to.  The one who I knew before, the safe one, who pursued me.  The one that I gave ALL the trust I had left to.  The one I trusted with my completely shattered heart and damaged self.  Yeah, that one hurt the most.  Because he was the one who couldn’t deal with the Alicia that I was.  I know it’s not completely his fault.  I wasn’t in a place that I should’ve been dating at all.  And I said that multiple times.  But he still worked to gain my trust.  And I gave it to him.  And when I let myself love and be completely me, even the broken parts – he couldn’t handle it.  And in what I’m sure he thought was just tough love and brutal honesty, his words and actions (or serious lack there of) completely ruined me.  They were the “nail in the coffin”.  And what maybe would’ve been another year of work and healing to be past the abuse, has now lingered a very long five years.  And that’s all ok.  Because no matter what story he tells himself or others, or how happy he is in his own moving on, he served his purpose in my journey.  
  4. I’m still grateful.

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LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW…….

  1.  If you are in an abusive situation, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get out.  PLEASE ask for help.
  2. If you are dealing with anything traumatic – feel it.  No matter how big or small the situation seems, if it is impacting you – then it’s real. If you feel it, it’s real.  And you NEED to feel it.  I can remember SO MANY days of checking the clock and thinking “ok, I just made it through an hour.” and I would take a deep breath and try to make it through the next.  That is as literal and truthful as can be.  Hour by hour.  I couldn’t even make it through a day.  I had to take it hour by hour.  And it wasn’t until I acknowledged and owned that feeling, for that time, that I could even think about how to make it through a day.  

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3.  If you are a friend of someone in that situation or of someone who has escaped….WATCH YOUR WORDS.  Watch your judgement.  Period.  It’s not about you.  It’s not up to you to decide how they heal or how long it takes.  If you can’t play the role, then don’t.  That’s ok, too.  But you do not accept the role and get to dictate how the victim deals.  You just don’t.  I’m sorry.  I know it’s seems so easy to help and for them to see how they should just be ok.  They are out, they are safe, so they’re good?  Nope.  Not how it works.  And if you can’t step outside of yourself and choose to love unconditionally – then you DO NOT deserve the person in the first place.  You just don’t.  Because your judgement and impatience is doing more damage than being thrown up against a wall will EVER DO.  

4.  If you come into a person’s life long after the event, consider yourself a sacred part of their life.  You probably won’t understand, why five years later, on a Monday night, they are texting asking for random prayer.  You might not understand why they seemed fine a few days ago and then all of the sudden just seem cranky, and puffy, and tired and stupid sensitive.  Just hold on for a minute and love them anyway.  The hardest thing I have ever had to do is let people like me and know what the past few years have held for me.  And at the same time, the easiest thing for me to do is to cut you right on out if you screw with what little trust and heart I have left.

5.  Let me make this clear one more time.  You DO NOT get to tell someone that how you made them feel isn’t valid.  You just don’t.  You don’t have to agree with how they feel.  You can think whatever you want.  But, if you truly love them or are truly their friend, you HAVE to acknowledge that their feeling is just as valid as yours.  Read this again: YOU DO NOT GET TO DECIDE HOW SOMEONE FEELS OR HEALS.  

ok.  

I already feel better, even in the midst of busted sutures, that unfortunately have left me more vulnerable than I care for……. and even in the midst of a lot of things piling on (of my own doing, for trying to be tough and hide feelings) and a to do list still a mile long.  Writing with all those feelings seeping out of me is the best therapy (accompanied by a great playlist).  You can think that is dramatic if you want to.  Maybe it is.  Maybe I just feel that hard.  And maybe I’m done apologizing for that.  I will never fully heal if I don’t shut those other voices of doubt and judgement out.  To be honest, it’s probably those things that have kept me from healing, way more than the abuse memories have.  

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And in it’s own twisted way, and with all those rambling words above, it’s actually beautiful how something so awful keeps coming up at all.  Because each time it does, as painful as it is, I can’t deny how much I have learned. I mean it when I say that it truly is a beautiful story. It seems like it keeps coming up so that I don’t forget that I have climbed a damn big mountain 🙂  These pics were from my first beach trip, ever in my life, which happened to come not long after my escape (one of those cool parts I reference).  Just digging those out again and including them here makes me reflect on how surrounded I was.  The things that happened were amazing.  

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I am stronger.  I KNOW that I have shared it with those that needed to hear it for whatever reason.  I am wiser.  I am more intentional.  I am protected from ever going through that again.  I found out that as much as my core and heart can be shattered, that it can also be rebuilt (sometimes even better than before).  

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Released and now I can rest.  I look forward to a good night’s sleep.  Thanks for reading.

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Freeing Fridays: Walking in the Rain

I think I may be the only person who was genuinely excited about the storms today.  I finally got to wear my new, glittered rain boots, so rain didn’t bother me at all!  I never got to do much in the rain as a kid.  If we had rain boots, I don’t really remember them, but I can bet that my mom was not having us messing in mud puddles.  I had no idea what I was missing!  It was the most fun I have had in the last couple (of very challenging ) weeks! I would love to share some encouragement with you on this rainy day.  Because you can make fun of the cheesy revelations all you want, but I have no shame in fighting through this crazy world with rainy day revelations!

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Anyway!  See my video rambles today while I willingly stood out in the rain (and had a fantastic dance party to HARD LOVE by Needtobreathe).  I was actually so in love with my little break that I didn’t even take time to remember to care what I looked like or what angle things were being done at……..and that might be the most freeing thing of it all!

 

And check out these great rain boots!

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Swift to Hate….

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In light of the Kesha/Taylor Swift current events (and no I don’t want your opinions or arguments)…..I got into heated conversation with someone today (in defense of Taylor). The person was very angry, lashing out about TSwifty and calling her names, etc.  But every time I tried to ask “what could she have done differently that would’ve satisfied you in this situation”, they couldn’t provide an answer.  They would throw out more anger, a few snarky tweets at me and such, but never could answer.  Many seem to be angry at Taylor, first because she was silent in chiming in on Kesha’s situation and secondly, when she responded by donating $250,000.00.  She can’t win for losing due to a lot of toddler-like “fit throwers” out there.

Facts:
  1.  Taylor Swift has no governing authority to make any legal decisions in the Kesha case.
  2.  TAYLOR SWIFT IS NOT OBLIGATED TO DO ANYTHING….nothing.  zero.  I know, you’re ready to light me on fire for that one, but it’s the truth.  She has no obligation to do a dang thing.
  3. Every time someone spends a tweet, post, blog, whatever hating on Taylor – that is one less chance to voice support or use the energy to move toward a change in a system that is clearly flawed and needs the attention.
  4. Regardless of what you think should be done for Kesha, the fact is that she isn’t recording……therefore, it is highly likely that her finances are being affected.  I’m quite certain that Taylor’s donation will go a lot further for her than your tweets griping about her.  Taylor helps (I would hope because she has a good heart, but probably also in response to the negative pressure, sadly) and is still criticized.
I have spent the rest of the afternoon thinking about the what seems to be out of control anger.  I remember when I was put in the same situation.  I was so flipping mad, said horrible/hurtful things to the person involved and basically was short of throwing myself on the ground, kicking and screaming.  What probably infuriated me more, was that the whole time I am throwing my “fit”, the other person just calmly sits there waiting on me to finish.  When I finally stopped, she replied with “Alicia, I have heard everything you have said.  Can you tell me one thing I could’ve done that would’ve made you less or not angry?”

Silence.  Silence so much that I could’ve almost choked on my own tongue.  I couldn’t give her one solid answer.  I couldn’t think of one single thing.  Out of quick desperation, I had a few thoughts cross my mind.  But as quickly as they came into my mind, I just as quickly realized how stupid they would’ve sounded coming out of my mouth.

What that wise (and thankfully very calm-spirited) woman made me realize was that I wasn’t even mad at her.  I was mad at the situation.  I was mad at a situation that wasn’t going to be fixed immediately, by her as one person….and it certainly wasn’t going to be fixed by me being mad and tearing down someone else.

I feel like the exact same question should be posed to a lot of “haters” out there these days (yes, I’m specifically referring to the hate towards Taylor Swift in regards to Kesha – but I also mean haters in general).  Our society is so quick to attack and even quicker to attack easy targets (I happen to be an easy target based on my big mouth – but not quite on the scale of Taylor 🙂 )

WHAT IF we all paused for a minute and thought through what really angers us about the situation?  THEN, what if we actually looked at ourselves and what we could do or change (either externally or within our own self) first before we went after others?

If you have an issue with someone and you can’t answer the question of what they could do differently (legit, tangible, quantifiable actions), then you need to think twice about launching your attack.  ALSO, if you CAN answer the question, you are best served by having the mindset of helpfulness, grace, mercy and patience, NOT judgement and snarky behavior.

Stop tearing others down.  Stop speaking from that which you do not know.  Be a vessel for positive movement towards change.  Otherwise, pipe the heck down and leave others alone!

The Adele Hangover Explained

I cannot remember a time when I anticipated a human’s existence as much as I have the return of Adele.  I tried to prepare myself as much as possible.  I even entertained the thought of waiting til Saturday to download the album (psssh – puh-lease) just so that I could be completely and emotionally available to soak it up.  Instead, I downloaded at 12:34 in the morning, listened to it as many times as I could before I crashed at 2:30 a.m., wrote about it and now the only thing I am preparing for is the crash of the internet she is surely bringing with her today.
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I am legitimately suffering from an Adele hangover.  And in an effort to help you navigate the emotional roller coaster you are about to go on when you hit play, I have given you a brief recap of each song.  It would be silly of you to think you were going to download and listen to only a couple of songs.  So you’ll need to be sure you read this going in.
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Overall, I expected another sad album that would leave me in the deep pit of despair while drowning my candy cane flannel pajamas in my wine induced tears.  Instead, there were moments of “yeah, you can shove it mr ex…..” and hope, and acceptance of the life that was….and that I’m gonna be ok.
GLORY GLORY Adele.  You could not have done a better job.  I’m actually concerned about you as a person.  The attention you are about to get is going to be overwhelming.  I hope you don’t wear yourself out.
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Without further delay, let’s get started.
By Track:
1.  Hello – there isn’t much left to say about this one.  Unless you have been living under a rock, you have already heard this one and are clear on her message.  At this point, we should all have this one on our list of songs to belt out in the car.  I am hoping, if you are a seasoned Adele fan, that you have already worked through the emotion of this one.

 

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2.  Send My Love (To Your New Lover) – IF I have to pick a favorite right this second, it’s this one. It’s just where I am at.  I’m hurt and a little angry at my ex.  He promised things and dragged me through empty promises and a few years of making me think I was asking too much or crazy for expecting to be treated like a decent human being worth someone’s effort (he didn’t even put effort into replying to the break up text).  He has already moved on with his new love who I’m sure is wonderful and making him the happiest person on the planet (so you can see where her line of “You set me free.  Send my love to your new lover.” has a ring to it for me).  I have dwelled on hearing about him do all the nice things he does to win someone over up front and how I wasn’t enough to make him keep loving me past that.  This song single handedly, in a matter of 3:43, got me over that.  I’m proud to say I’m now in the phase of, “have fun with that mess.  It will wear off and you’ll see the real him. And I’ll just be over here remembering that I am enough and I have great things ahead.”  Thank you Adele.  I will send you a check for the therapy and I’ll be singing the lines of “I’m giving you up. I’m forgiving it all.  You set me free.” allllllll day.
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3.  I Miss You – I didn’t know I could miss someone right next to me.  But the next time I am actually with someone, this song will probably be all in my head and I will secretly be doing a video montage that has a “seize the moment” theme.  It will be a mix of the passion from the early days of Fitz and Olivia from Scandal, a flash image of that one time a guy and I made eyes at the airport that clearly said “we would be explosive together”, and the short imagination that I have the body of a Victoria Secret model walking across a semi-dark room in slow motion.
4.  When We Were Young – This song says “We had some good moments.  It was kinda like a storybook.  I wasn’t expecting to run into you.  I didn’t know I would feel this way when I saw you again.  So I need to tell you about it, if you have a sec.  But please don’t try to win me back. Let’s just have a quick moment and move along.”  This has the potential to make me really miss someone from way back when who, at the time, seemed like the greatest thing ever.  I could easily have a few drinks and be swayed into thinking they still might be that great………until his wife and 4 kids walk up and he says “get er done”………gotta be careful with this song! 🙂
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5.  Remedy – I needed a break from my own love life. The songs were making me too raw.  So I chose to look at this as an ode to all my kick butt friends.  Maybe a little out there.  But I couldn’t take myself to imagining this song being played as a message to my groom standing at the end of the aisle waiting on me to walk down (side note – you can bet this will play at 9/10 weddings you attend in 2016).  But I could let myself think of all my “core people”.  Especially the ones in rough times right now.  I want to be the Remedy for them.  Cheesy? Maybe so.  But I love my tribe.  This song makes me happy to have them.
6.  Water Under the Bridge – Second favorite.  Sadly, also applicable to at least 5 of the past guys I’ve dated.  Instead of talking to my friend about how “they always drag me along, drop me, but then realize I wasn’t that bad after all, and come back around.” or “they just keep me hanging cause they can’t decide.”, I’m just gonna put this song on and wait.  This song will also be applied to my shower dance routine.  It just has a good beat and I have killer hip moves in my shower concerts. It just seems natural to incorporate.
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7.  River Lea – For every person who tries to tell me how to live my love life, this song is for you…..well, the first couple of lines are anyway.  The rest of them are for every dating situation that I sabotage before they even have a chance to turn into something good.  It’s an apology before we even get started.  Because of who I am, I will probably leave.  But it’s ok.  I’m ok.  And you will be too.
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8. Love in the Dark – At first, I thought Adele was relating to every girl who has despised being naked in front of a man in the light.  But then, I realized, that once again, she must have followed my most recent ex and I around.  She puts a simple “We have to be done here.” to beautiful music.  At least in the song, when she is being brave and trying to leave on the best note as possible, she gives the hint that the guy doesn’t want her to and tries to make her stay for 5 seconds.  I can’t say the same for my situation.  But thanks to her, it’s makes me think it’s ok.  We’ll move on.  We’ll live our different adventures and be better for it.  But, for the record, I still don’t want to be naked in the light in front of anyone.  Ever.
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9.  Million Years Ago – Regret.  Loneliness.  Longing.  Only listen to this one if you can sit in front of a window, looking into a field, reminisce on your past journey and then shake it off.  It will be too easy to listen to this one and get stuck.  Don’t do it.  Fight it.  This song is the only permission you have to do something crazy immediately following. Book a skydiving adventure.  Write a book real quick……do something.  Anything.  Hurry before you dwell so hard on what you never did that you never come out of it!
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10.  All I Ask – You all just thought she was going to address exes in this new album. Nope. She throat punches you with taking friends to the next level too. Get out of my head, lady. I will not conspire with you! This song will tempt you to confront someone you “think” you might have more feelings for.  Don’t do it.  Don’t leave your heart at their door and ask them to hold you like they are more than friends.  This can’t work out well for anyone.  We’re all scared that we might not love again, Adele.
(I believe she meant something totally different than I interpreted – maybe like a “If this has to end, let’s not make it a mess.  Let’s just soak it up in case we don’t ever find another love.”  But in Alicialand – you get a different spin.)
11.  Sweetest Devotion – I let you in.  I wasn’t expecting to like you.  You came in with a hammer apparently and tore down some walls when I wasn’t looking.  And that turned out pretty cool.  You make me want to be a better person.  I value your opinion.  Let’s do this. I’m all in.  
See, she gives us a happy ending.
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And this is why it should’ve been perfectly acceptable to call in to work with an Adele hangover today.  We should also just cancel all awards shows next year and throw one big Adele award party.
The End.

The Gym – A Romance Novel

What better way to return to the blogosphere than a gym disaster story!

Tonight’s gym story is a bit of a romance novel (ok maybe a half of a page out of a romance novel – anyway)….. There I was, power walking like I had not a care in the world and like I had the lungs of a skinny 20 year old….when this guy comes over from the weights and gets on the treadmill next to me. He was shorter than I care for but I try to stay pretty open these days and I am liking flats more than heels anyway these days. He had been eyeing me as he walked up. There were several treadmills open so the fact that he chose the one next to me was a pretty good indicator that he was into me. Maybe he witnessed Monday night’s bra incident (where my strap came undone and one of “the girls” went running free) and he was hoping for more action tonight. 

Either way, it was the setting for the perfect love story. Our eyes would meet. He would smile. I would smile. He would say “I like your speed and incline”. I would giggle and blush. He would ask me out and the rest would be history and a story for the grandkids. 
He starts jogging. I start jogging. He says “oh, do you like spotify? I have been thinking of subscribing” (so you’re creepin on my phone. Trying to see what I have goin on. I like it)
Then it went bad. 
“Oh I love it. It’s worth every penny so far.” Now, had I stopped there, we might have had something. But, I did not stop there. Instead of saving the next things in my head for a letter to Spotify and the artists that I was referring to, I unload on treadmill boy. 
“Well, I should clarify. It is great for sure. But Garth Brooks and Taylor Swift aren’t on there. I am not ashamed to like Garth out loud. I just haven’t come to terms with saying that I like Taylor out loud just yet. Don’t get me wrong, the more I learn about her, the more I like her. She is super connected to her fans. As a marketer, I appreciate her engagement. It seems authentic. And that’s the only real way to reach your audience these days. You have to be authentic. I think Garth probably engages too. But mostly old school. I have heard his concerts are great! Have you ever been?”
Yep. All of that with barely a breath in between sentences. Then I take a drink of water to give him a chance to answer. I am also lightly (and by lightly I mean barely) jogging still at this point. 
Then….i start choking. Not a little bit choking. A whole lot. The red face kind of choking. Where tears are rolling down my face and I can’t catch my breath choking. 
In an effort not to lose the potential romance, or to save what microlove might be left, I try to keep going like I am not essentially convulsing. 
Only on the treadmill for approximately five minutes, he leaves. Never to be seen again. I excuse myself to the bathroom and try to figure out how to dig a tunnel out of the building so that I don’t have to face the scene I left so abruptly. No dice. Looks like I will just do the walk of shame. 
I guess I will just go back to my “safe zone” of pining away for an ex that will never want me back. That seems to be my comfort zone these days. Just hang out in “neverland” where at least I don’t have to share my covers or force myself to “be out there” in unguarded heart land. That’s a scary place. 😝
I wish this was exaggerated or made up. The hardest thing to believe in all of it? That I never fell! I can’t wait to go back to the gym. 

Laughter in the Busy Basket

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I had no idea when I planned to blog everyday for the next 30 days in an effort to “do something different” and stick with it, that my busy basket would all of the sudden be filled to the rim!  I’m swamped at work more than ever.  I am moving to a new place this weekend.  I have a gala to attend Saturday night and literally every weekend until March is crammed packed with a full schedule.  I know, it’s all of my own doing.  I have already pulled out the big girl panties to deal.  It has however, interfered with my great plan to peacefully just come home and write an abundance of really thought provoking, in depth words of wisdom.  Instead, it has lead to exhaustion induced comedy.  Or at least that is my way of dealing with the overwhelmed and exhausted feeling.

So, without further delay I bring you my Wednesday (which I thought was Thursday all day)

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  • It started with no less than 10 snooze button hits followed by a 30 minute conversation with myself about how no matter how busy things are, I must get up.  Hiding under the covers will not work.  I then negotiated with myself that I would get away with a messy pony tail and sport my red/white polka dotted glasses and that should ignite the sassy factor getting the day started.

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  • When I get to work, I start my usual routine of making a cup of green tea (I so miss coffee on this stinking detox) and warming up breakfast.  Then I like to get to my desk, enjoy my breakfast and evaluate what the glorious day beholds for me.  I do not like being interrupted while in conversation with another person.  Especially when it’s by a spastic, over-reacting coworker wanting me to do something that they are more than capable of doing themselves.  What if I died tomorrow Tory?  Who would schedule your meeting then? When am I going to get that paper work done for you?  You mean the 6 new projects worth of paperwork that I just got yesterday? Can you not see that I’m eating my omelet, talking to someone else about another project and waiting on my green tea to kick in?  Do you not realize the implications of making a big girl on detox put her fork down when this omelet recipe is one of the only things that feels like food????????

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  • Based on the immediate interruption compared to the amount of work I must accomplish today, I decide to lock myself in one of the side offices that stay empty in our office.  Perfect.  I can listen to my music out loud, spread all my papers and junk out and crank out some serious work today.  Go.  Wait!  What in the living heck is wrong with this mouse?  Why will it only scroll on the bottom of my screen?  Ugh, I’m moving the dang thing all over.  Great.  I have fought my computer for a week and now my bleeping mouse is going to go crazy?  Oh, wait.  It’s pointed upside down and facing the wrong way?  Ummmm, ok.  My bad.  (it’s a Mac wireless mouse so easy to confuse ok?)

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  • I watch Tory pass by the office no less than 32 times throughout the day.  I can tell it is taking every bit of restraint not to come peek in to ask me something.  Don’t do it Tory.  Not today.

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  • Lunch break.  Quick run to get the keys to my new apartment.  Definitely a high point in the day.  I am SO EXCITED for new adventures.  I haven’t been on my own since leaving the abusive relationship I was in a couple of years ago.  I can’t wait to move continue healing and move forward.  I know there are so many good things ahead.  I sit in the middle of the living room floor just looking around and enjoying the silence.  Yes, it’s an apartment with neighbors.  Yes I wanted to wait until I had everything completely perfect before moving.  Of course I haven’t packed.  I have no “theme” planned out for each room.  I still need to pick up a thousand things.  But sometimes I think waiting til all is in order is a way of putting off stepping out of my comfort zone.  Shhhh Alicia.  Enjoy the silence.  There is no barking dog next door (seriously I don’t know how the dog even has a bark left because it LITERALLY barks ALL NIGHT LONG EVERY SINGLE NIGHT).  You are sitting in your own place.  On your own.  Not looking over your shoulder wondering if the car passing by is your ex coming back for you.  Those keys in your hand are your next step to the wonderful life you have been working so hard for.  Ok, peaceful elation over.  Back to work.

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  • THANKFULLY my coworker that joined me in the side office (she needed to hide as much as I did) and turned on some great tunes.  There we were, rocking out our to do list, rapping to some 90’s Will Smith.  Like a boss.

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  • FINALLY leave work to come home and cook.  This whole cooking thing is so new to me but I am loving it.  I have never cared to cook for just myself.  But now that I am doing this detox and have to be so careful about what I eat, I have forced myself to learn to cook.  And I love it.  I make the detox version of parmesan chicken and start to tackle a homemade ice cream recipe.  So excited to have a taste of cocoa.  Add in the bananas and I am pretty sure that every crazy thing about today is going to melt away.  Nope.  The ice cream was a huge fail.  Sad times.  The chicken though was good even if I did have to do without the cheese.  I don’t cook pretty.  I make a huge mess.  But I’m trying.  So the chicken was a little burned.  I’m eating it anyway.

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  • Gave a free profile consultation to a guy on the dating website I am on to help improve his presence there.  That was fun.  Did the dishes.  That was not fun.  And lastly sat down to some good tunes on Spotify to type this so that I hold up my promise.  Unfortunately there are a few work emails that need to be dealt with before bed but it was a nice break to cook and write.

I love a good balance of busy and downtime.  But I also choose to look at times when the busy takes over as an opportunity to buckle down, see what I am made of, and learn something from it for the future.  I like to laugh at myself in the process and look back to see how far I came and wonder how in the heck I made it through that season.

Never take life too seriously.  Nobody makes it out alive. ~ Sydney J. Harris

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Oldie but Goodie: It’s hard NOT to be happy…

Ok, maybe this is a bit of cheating in completing my “write/post every day for 30 days” declaration…..but, never hurts to read back over things, see how far you’ve come, or how much wiser you were than you realized, etc.  Plus, this was on the old blog and as I was reading through some of the oldies, it made me smile (and laugh, because I forgot all about hitting on the Russian).  

Happy FINALLY FRIDAY!  

9/21/2011

Quote of the Day: And no one will listen to us until we listen to ourselves – Marianne Williamson

Song of the day:  Holy Captivated by Nicole Mullens   (click the song title to listen on youtube – as a matter of fact, click it now and let it play in the background while you read :)!!!)

Normally I try not to “preach” and I certainly have enough work to do on me to keep me busy for a while versus judging others.  BUT……..I LOVE a good Jesus song and this one was it today.  Just so relaxing.  Make no mistake, I’m in no way, shape or form ashamed of God or my faith.  Just because I choose not to feed it to you by shoving a spoon of it down your throat every waking minute of every waking day, doesn’t mean I don’t have a purpose and doesn’t mean that I don’t live for HIM.  I would gladly share my story and testimony with anybody who would listen!

–          I’m happy.  As cheesy and quite uneventful as it is to type that…..it is the truth.  And it’s not even that hard to be happy.  I have no idea if it’s age, or what…..but this is THE BEST time of my life.  Period.  And 90% of it is because I’ve made my mind up to be.  So, unfortunately for you, the rest of this blog is just about happy….and a little bit of funny

–          Girlfriends:  How have I lived my life so long not putting more investment into this type of friendship.  I’ve never been good at girl friendships.  I just haven’t.  I’m too blunt, I’m like a guy in a lot of ways and just always had a lot of guy friends.  I don’t like to shop so that counts me out in about 4 million ways.  Also, I felt like I had to be absolute friends with every single person I came into contact with.  Do you have any idea how exhausting that can be?  But at this very moment, the girls I consider my “core” are the most amazing group of women on the planet.  I’m horrible at remembering events, staying in contact often and being sensitive to a lot of their lives…..but it’s a work in progress and one that I’m more than committed to.  Girlfriend time is VITAL to my existence.

  • For instance, today via email and a nice walk, I seriously had the best afternoon I’ve had in a while.  And all of it was shared with a dear girlfriend.  It’s random (and a little weird quite honestly) to experience “love” in this way.  But that’s exactly what it is.  This unexplainable love that I have.  I won’t dwell on sadness or regret, but I do hate to think about all the time I wasted trying to “be somebody” to somebody else or a group of girls instead of “being me” to somebody.

–          In my recent reflection of happiness, I sometimes get overwhelmed.  Mostly I get overwhelmed at the people who genuinely like me.  I can honestly count on one hand how many people before now in my life that I felt confident in saying genuinely liked me.  To even type that makes me a little sick at my stomach.  And maybe more genuinely liked me, I just didn’t believe it.  But to experience it now…….man, it can change a heart like no other.  But…..because I finally love me, and am finally happy with me, I can finally see why people would like me (which is really a blog within itself).  I wish I could bottle it up and sell it to save a lot of young girls a lot of worry and heartbreak.  Love yourself now.  Right this very second decide to value yourself and love yourself more than anything else!

–          Declaration:  Man, did I used to feel like I had to “declare” everything.  If I didn’t declare whatever movement I was in at the time, then it wasn’t real, it wasn’t significant and nobody would notice.  I honestly thought this for way too long. Now, I get sooooo excited to just be quiet and “do” versus “declare”.  Although I have more than enough work cut out for me in “doing” and being an example, I am so much further along than I was.   Standing on the rooftop shouting “Look at me do this” isn’t really “doing” anything but straining your voice……and frankly, I’m too big and out of shape to climb the staircase to the roof to shout in the first place.  I’ll just stay on level ground.  Looking in the mirror and seeing someone different, or hearing some of the responses I give out loud now versus then is enough for me J

–          As I compile my “ever so often” About Alicia or Alicia Clarifications blog, I come across things that make me wonder…..I can’t be the only one who feels this way or has dealt with this.  So….that is why I share the cheese.  Just like with the new facebook that everyone hates……if you don’t like it, you don’t have to look at it!  I just wanted to ramble a little about happy tonight.  Because being happy is way better than any other alternative.  I know you’re all on pins and needles for that blog huh?

OK, NOW ON TO THE RANDOMNESS that you all expect!!!

–          Sometimes there is such a revival of music (all kinds) in my car……that I’m singing so hard, so loud and so into my performance…….that I’m driving with my eyes closed.  I never really noticed it til today.  And spare me words of wisdom…..I know it’s not safe.  But, as I try to monitor it and tone it down a little, I still think everyone should have the same kind of revival at least once.  Turn the music up as loud as you can stand, and belt it out…….dance moves and all!!!

–          The time has come.  I dreaded it for a while.  I’ve heard thousands of stories and encounters.  I’ve been blinded in thinking “that won’t happen to me”.  But it has.  I cannot sleep a full night without waking up to pee.  The first night it happened, I brushed it off.  The second night I just thought “well this is silly”.  Now, on night number 8, I’m just bothered.  Will I ever sleep all night again?  Will my better ever understand that getting up at 3am to pee does not mean it’s time to wake up for the day?  Will I ever be able to walk to the bathroom without running into something?  Where has my bladder gone?  We had good times!

–          Technology:  I’ve tried to figure out how to insert this with a positive tone.  And if I don’t type it now, the issue will be expired by the next blog post.  So let’s try this.  We all love technology!  Isn’t it awesome!?  Look how far we have come with it!  And because we are a wonderfully demanding people, there is constant pressure to produce more and better and faster technology.  So……we might as well coin a synonym for technology to be “change”.  Because essentially anymore, you can’t have technology without change.  And that’s what makes the new facebook so exciting!  Although I would love a website of my own that is as successful as the FREE site of Facebook, I will continue to use it because it’s already there, it’s totally free, and I’m just too busy with other amazing projects to put them out of business right now J  Another positive, beautiful thing is that in most things these days, if you don’t like something, you can change it, or stop using it.  So………maybe instead of being so angry, we could choose a different approach.  It’s going to change…..a lot.  If it didn’t, it would become crazy stagnant.  And there is absolutely nothing wrong with you not liking it or even hating it.  There’s nothing wrong with you posting it.  People in this time have a thought and post it….that’s just how it works and I’m the biggest participator.  But what if you just wrote a nice concern to facebook the company?  Or what if we spent a few minutes just checking out the new gig and see what’s different?  That’s as nice as I can say “look people, things change, if you don’t like it, don’t use it…….”  And I mean that in the nicest, sincerest, most loving way possible!!!!!

–          As a side note, I realize I have complained on fb several times, especially in regards to Sonic switching to soft mints.  But I’ve also expressed those concerns in a “complaint” process to the company (and Starbucks for being out of coffee for that matter)

–          Russia:  So…….I saved the best for last.  I think I need an intervention.  If I’m to the point where I crush on a 6’4” Russian (I only throw that out there to show the language barrier we clearly had), driving a lime green VW Bug who fixes iphones for a living in parking lots…….then I may need to go on some dates more than I thought.  True story.  Dude fixes phones.  I heard about him, contacted him, set up a meeting.  He shows up, explains the process, leaves.  Brings my phone back in amazing shape, offers a warranty, and is wearing an affliction shirt for Pete’s sake…….and all I think about when he walks off is “strangely I’m attracted to him”.  He has no ring on.  I propose this scenario of me asking him out to two friends at lunch today who are in complete agreement…..with way more enthusiasm than I expected (mostly because they wanted to follow me around on the date and document it).  So……..after lunch, I text him.  The following is a transcript of that convo (comments in red are my added commentary, those were not actually texted):

Me:  Hi there!  Just wanted to share that everyone thinks the phone looks great.  You did an awesome job!  (Really???? I typed that to him.  Smooth.  I’m really smooth!!)

Him:  Hi!  Thank you, that feedback is much appreciated

Me:  Anytime!

Him:  Thank you, nice to hear about that

Me:  Definitely (do you want to poke your eyes out yet, this is torture)

Me:  I feel kind of silly asking, but are you single by chance?

Him:  Just got married, 4th of July

Me:  Awesome!  A girl in my office would’ve just loved you!  I was going to play matchmaker, congrats on the wedding!

What we have here folks is epic failure, maybe a little bit of boredom (I’ve scaled back on my life, work and home, that’s it for a year), and sheer silliness.

 

The end.

Building Your Revolution Army

Hello There World!  Hope you’re having as great of a Sunday as I am!  Check out the latest video below to see what’s going on in revolution land 🙂

Quote of the day:  Our actions are evident of what we care about 😉

Songs I’m loving these days:

Ho Hey – the Lumineers

Try – Pink

Movie Buzz:  Silver Linings Playbook is a MUST MUST MUST see.  As in, stop what you’re doing and figure out a time when you can go see it!!!!

Much love for a great week ahead!

Let’s get this revolution started!!!!!

HI!!!  WELCOME!!  WHO WANTS TO START A REVOLUTION?????  So glad you’ve joined me!!!  Pardon the homemade, one man show video 🙂  but I couldn’t stand the wait any longer to get this started!!!  So much more to come!!!  Let’s do this!!!