Dear Guy Who Said “I can’t date you because of your log legs”…..

You should see me now!

Ankles.  Can we talk about em for a sec?

I happen to hate mine.  I hate my legs in general, actually.  I remember a long time ago in high school an older lady told me what pretty legs I had.  I just wish I would have had enough brain cells as well.  Because if I did, I could’ve maybe realized how important it was to work hard and develop a lifestyle of healthiness and not have the “log legs” I do now.  Log legs.  Isn’t that a terrible phrase?  It’s exactly the phrase that a guy used for a reason he couldn’t date me past the first date.
I remember that date like it was yesterday.  He was a lawyer from Tulsa.  He drove to meet me and we had a lovely dinner at a great local restaurant.  It was the first time I had really dressed up for a date.  I wore the cutest “little black dress” and heels. I felt so pretty.  Our convo at dinner was a great, stimulating combination of quick wit and total sarcasm (my favorite).  He wasn’t someone I would’ve thought that I would’ve liked, but I did.  Then, as we are walking to the car after dinner, he says “I just got an email from work.  Looks like I am gonna have to go.”.  Huh?  When did he even check his phone?  I never left the table and never saw him on his phone.  And when did lawyers get urgent emails on a Saturday night at 10pm and have to jet out of the parking lot like a race car driver?  Whatever, dude.  Clearly we weren’t going to be going out again.  He could’ve just disappeared into the moonlight.  But he didn’t.  He sent a text the next day saying that he was sorry, but he didn’t think we were a match and he just couldn’t date someone with log legs.
Took me a long time to get past that one. Obviously, I am still hanging on to it a bit because I am still talking about it.  I even catch myself wondering what he would think now.  I’m way bigger than I was 7 years ago when he last saw me.  What word would he use to describe something bigger and stumpier than logs?  I think if I saw him today, I wouldn’t even say the snarky things that normally cross my mind.  I think I would just look at him and smile and think to myself “You silly little man.  I hate that you are missing out on who I have become.  But then again, you and your overly hairy arms and Tommy Bahama shirts don’t deserve to see who I have become”.
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That story is all I thought about as I loaded the pics of this outfit.  Add in my discomfort in tucking in my shirt and exposing my untamed stomach to you and the you get Alicia ascending into self-hate at a rapid pace!  Shame on me for giving it that much energy.  As with any other bad thoughts, self-hate, or worry that start to creep in, I play the truth game.  Luckily, playing it with this saved the day!
Truths:
  1.  This outfit is awesome.  Possibly my new favorite outfit.
  2. I do have large legs.  They hold me up.
  3. I do have large ankles.  They also keep me upright (most of the time)
  4. I look great in this outfit
  5. I need big limbs to carry around big awesomeness
  6. So what that I tucked my shirt in.  People do it all the time.  You can too, Alicia!
So I made a deal with my legs/ankles.  You guys keep carrying me around, and I’ll keep working to lighten your load.  And I will never bring around a guy who talks to you like that ever again!
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30 pounds ago

As much as I love doing videos, the beloved airport system has caused too many delays today and in looking at my schedule for the week ahead, I doubt I will have time to pee much less rattle senselessly on video for you. 🙂 So I will share a short list with you tonight as I finally board my plane and need to pass the time.

Sometimes, even though the scale shows that I have lost weight (and if the scale says it, it’s true) I still struggle to see it. My insecurities pop up and try to get a permanent residence in the hotel that is my head. Thankfully, it’s stay isn’t as long as it used to be, but it still pops in to let me know it’s lingering from time to time.

Sometimes, I pass by the mirror and can’t tell that I’ve lost one single pound. Sometimes, I pass by the mirror and say horribly ugly things to myself. Sometimes, I try on clothes in the fitting room and leave crying because there is just too much of parts of me and I want them to go away right this second.

And then, sometimes I notice the opposite. Talk about nice little surprises. So, in noticing these things I decided to make a list. Now I will have something to reference when the wretched doubt tries to creep in and tell me that I haven’t really changed that much.

Some days it doesn’t seem like 30 pounds is that much when I feel like I have so much more to go. Some days I feel like I gained all 30 back just from “cheating” that one meal. But I cheat myself by not acknowledging all the ways I’ve changed.

I happily share with you my “30 pounds ago” list. 🙂

30 pounds ago……
– I could not fit comfortably in an airport seat. I mean I fit per se. But, I had to put the strap as loose as possible and my hips embarrassingly hung just a bit over the side of the rest. I always put the arm rest up hoping whomever landed next to me would leave it up for our flight (which never ended up happening). I always tried to situate myself sideways so it didn’t sem so obvious that I had muffin top of the airplane seat. Tonight, when i got in my seat, I automatically started my routine. The nice man assigned next to me sits down, puts the arm rest down and I brace myself for the awkwardness. Only this time, it didn’t happen. I have room!!! Plenty of room. We are both cozied nicely together in hip harmony within our allotted space. AWESOME!!!

– I could not cross my legs. I honestly cannot remember the last time I sat with one leg crossed over another. On the off chance that it did happen, it usually resulted in one leg becoming painfully numb for the whole three seconds I was able to cross at all. I’ve noticed it for a couple of weeks now but thought it was just a figment of my imagination, but I have been crossing my legs. Like, comfortably crossing one leg over the other in sitting. l vividly remember a guy I knew who’s mother would make comments about girls he dated not being able to cross their legs cause they were too fat (she was a real gem you might say). How great it is to be able to do something that I didn’t even realize I had gotten too big to do.

-I couldn’t run half a block without contemplating calling an ambulance much less walk up stairs and not lose all my breath. Now, I’m consistently jogging on purpose and starting to like it.

– I could not wear a size large dress from Old Navy. I recently
bought one in that size and it’s my new favorite piece of clothing 😉

– Could not go one day without my blood pressure medicine or it would leave me swollen and with a headache the size of Texas. Now I’m on 1/2 of that dose daily and almost ready to go less than that!

30 pounds ago I could not stand to look at myself in the mirror. Not because I thought I was too big or too ugly. But simply because I knew I could do better. I knew I wasn’t being good to my body. I knew I was cheating myself. Thirty pounds ago, I wouldn’t let myself believe I had worth or could accomplish anything athletic or that I would be good enough for the world.

Thirty pounds gone, thirty times more in love with who I am and what I am becoming! 🙂