Passion for People

Pardon me for a second while I preach.
Today I had the chance to have a long chat and share my observation and advice to a friend. It was raw conversation. I was told things that made me hurt and angry for my friend. Yet I was also faced with some of my own insecurities and hurt that I like to pretend doesn’t exist. No holding back. It was colorful, blunt, and although I avoided using caps lock, I am certain that there were a few pauses where I looked around waiting for an “AMEN” and “hallujah”.

I am not versed enough in my vocabulary to find the right words to describe what it stirred within me. My heart is still beating fast and furious and the conversation happened over an hour ago. I LOVED IT. I don’t think I have ever allowed myself to admit or accept that I am overly passionate about people until this conversation. And I couldn’t be more excited about it!!! I LOVE PEOPLE. And I want with all that is in me for people to love themselves.

Maybe its because I fought so hard to fall in love with myself. I, of course dont mean “in love” in a cocky “I am God’s gift to the planet” way. I mean in a “you are of value and you have a purpose and a lot to offer the planet” way. Maybe it is because I never want to see someone so broken that they have a melt down at a stop light and can’t physically push the gas pedal to go through. Either way I cannot ignore the passion nor do I want to any longer. I am sick of negative people I know trying to impose their hate and general classifications of people onto me. Hi, my name is Alicia and I genuinely love people and I am so sorry if you don’t. Please take your misery elsewhere.

This is all a constant work in progress. Its a conscious decision that I have to make every single day (and some days I fail miserably at it) to be kind to me. But I know it’s worth the effort. I promise you that I am leaps and bounds better than i was two years ago. And I promise you that if you would exercise kindness and positivity toward yourself a little each day, you would grow leaps and bounds too!

If I were being honest, when I told my friend to rid himself of people who do not bring out the best him, I would have to admit that my stomach turned knowing there are a few people I could stand to get rid of for the same reason (people I consider important in my life currently).

Anyway! That all brings me to this. If I could stand in front of you today with my fired up spirit I would tell you the following. And I would mean it with every fiber of my being even if you were someone I wasn’t typically a fan of. I also recognize after today’s conversation that I owe myself the same talk as much as my friend needed it. Nope. None of this is earth shattering or new news to anyone. What may be new to someone reading this though is the permission to know these things without apology. And I believe that there is some human on the planet that needs to read this in this way. ūüôā

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– Be intentional about changing to progress toward a better you. Be honest with yourself that you absolutely cannot continue in the manner that you have.

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– Accept that you will always be a work in progress (Sure I need to lose a few pounds and by few i really mean about fifty. But I can’t be controlled by that solely). But always be “progressive”. Be aware of what you need to work on but never let it control you or hold you back from being awesome.

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– Know that not everyone will understand your work. And they don’t have to. It isn’t for them. If they aren’t a fan of your journey just consider them the coal you need to fuel you forward. ūüôā

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– It is NEVER ok to be unkind to yourself. NEVER.

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– Do not create a vicious cycle or fake flaws for yourself. It is dangerous to fall into a cycle of “I will be happy if/when this or that happens”. You start filling voids with material things that are only temporary fills and eventually there is nothing that will ever satisfy you. Sadly that often bleeds into going through one human heart after another and never being satisfied. You create a hurt factory that will have a morning shift and a night shift. And you will wear your own heart out in the process causing you to miss out on something really great.

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-You are no good to anyone else if you are no good to you. And to create lasting friendships with good quality people we have to be good to ourselves. Once again, if you aren’t, you begin filling voids with temporary people.

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-Know that when you slowly destroy your own self worth that you are also robbing the planet of something great. There is something about you that the planet needs and is supposed to get out of you being here. You rob the planet when you don’t share the great in you!

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Of course I could go on and on and you could spend bazillions on books by people who are way better experts than myself. But sometimes we just need to know from another human that it is ok and we all struggle.

If you are in a solid place with yourself, congrats. If you’re watching someone you know go on a journey to change themselves for the better and overcome self hate and insecurity, be kind. Be supportive. Be patient. Be quiet if you have to. But by all means, do not hold up progress. Do not keep someone from becoming a better human. Remove yourself for their own good if you can’t be anything but a hindrance.

You are dismissed ūüôā

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Speaking my language‚Ķwhen people say what you’re thinking

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I have been struggling so much with self image lately. I want to be healthier (I¬†WILL be healthier). I want to feel better. I have friends who are hardcore “workouters” ūüôā and I¬†hate feeling not pretty enough around them. I hate being the perfect match for someone BUUUTTTT….them just not being able to date me because of my weight.

 

I am not ugly (or at least my selfies don’t make me feel like I am ūüôā !). ¬†I make myself take a pic (despite what the articles say about that meaning that you have a mental illness) and then look at the pic and be nice to myself. ¬†I literally do this probably three times a week. ¬†And if you have never struggled with loving yourself, you probably have no idea what I am talking about. ¬†If you have ever struggled with it though, you know EXACTLY how hard it is to look at a picture of yourself and not tear it apart. ¬†It seems foreign to snap a pic and think “I really like my makeup today” or “This top looks good with my skin tones. ¬†And how bout that hair today! Good job”. ¬†On top of it being weird to do, it’s not really accepted by society. ¬†In this case, society can suck it though! ūüôā


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I know that I am not ugly because I believe I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I am loved more than any human could ever come close to. I KNOW THIS. I retreat to this daily. Yet, i destroy myself daily with decisions I make (food, people I allow in my life, the list goes on).  It is more than overwhelming trying to get on track and know which direction to go with all the programs, naughty bodies, etc out there.

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Last night in my “reflect on where you’re at time” (which usually involves lots of music, praying and reading), I came across this blog and wanted to scream “she gets it! This is what i know!!” ¬† I’m not sure Claire realized when she wrote this blog that it would fall into the screen of a woman who was desperately searching for encouragement and “relatable” reads. ¬†But I am so glad that it happened that way!

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I dont want to be skinnier for a man. I dont care about that anymore. I want to be healthy to be able to fully carry out my purpose. I want to take care of my body that I was given and be able to live out the acknowledgement that my body is indeed a temple I was trusted to take care of. In all aspects.  Every single struggle I am facing right now (dating decisions, fitness, financial, etc) all boils down to lack of discipline and obedience. And the outside noise and influence I have let effect that even more has to change. Immediately.

Thats a whole lotta rambling and thinking out loud just to tell you I loved this blog Boobs Happen, or‚ĶWhen My Workout Shrinks My Soul. ¬†And to let you know that it is more than ok if your “temple” doesn’t look like the cover of a fitness magazine. Its perfectly fine if you eat in front of your crossfit junkie friends. And its ok to hug people even if they only feel fluff when they wrap their arms around you.

Today is the day I start surrounding myself with same minded people who simply put working for the kingdom first. Who only uplift and encourage. Who refuse to see anything but potential and greatness in me.

Today also happens to be my first workout with a new group that in one day of consultation have given me more support and encouragement than all the things i have done in the past put together. I am thrilled that they dont see it as a job and that they sell it as their mission.

Happy Monday!!

Writings on the wall….or mirror :-)

 

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I publicly declared yesterday that I was taking a hiatus from Facebook for the month of June. ¬†Sure, it may not seem like a big deal to most. ¬†But for someone who could basically work for Facebook as much time as I spend on there, this was a pretty big declaration indeed. ¬†As cheesy as it may sound., I need to spend time with me and not with the life I lead on Facebook. ¬†I said in recent blogs that I know I am at the part of my journey to being a more awesome me where I am forced to experience “alone”. ¬†And to truly soak that up, I need to get rid of a few things that get way too much of my time (i.e. Facebook) and give that time to things that do not get very much attention (myself mentally and physically‚Ķ‚ĶANNNNDDDDD the books and journals collecting dust on my shelves).
In my first day “off” from Facebook, I have realized that it is my thumb’s second nature to “click and scroll”. ¬†I think my thumb may be having more withdrawals than I am! ¬†What I have not been admitting to myself is that diving into Facebook, sharing my life as an open poster, knowing I make people laugh or sometimes just shake their heads, is that I use it as a disguise or distraction. ¬†I probably really do it so that I don’t have to address the writing on the wall.
You see, I have built a wall that would rival the Great Wall of China. ¬†I think I was laying one brick at a time in my younger years. ¬†Then, I think in the last couple of years after experiencing a physically and mentally abusive relationship, I just called in the concrete and iron workers and told them to work double time to build a wall so big, so tall and so hard around my heart that nothing would ever hurt it again. ¬†I wanted to build whatever device I had to so that I NEVER encountered the hell on Earth that the abuse and time following brought. ¬†It didn’t take long to put that wall up. ¬†However, I decorated it nicely so that everyone thought that I was fine and bouncing back nicely. ¬†I decorated it with lots of dating to show I was “ready” to get back out there. ¬†I decorated it with service and volunteering so that people would see how big my heart really is.
Then, I let self-doubt in. ¬†I let one bad date after another take a piece of the wall with them when they went or I sent them on their way. ¬†And myself and old man self-doubt took out some spray paint and went to town on writing graffiti on the wall. ¬†The worse thing was, I wrote it on my side of the wall and stayed on that side. ¬†I didn’t come out to the side where people were passing by and looking at my decorations. ¬†I stayed on the inside and stared at what was written there. ¬†And it was not nice. ¬†It wasn’t nice at all.
  • “You’re never going to find anyone. ¬†It never fails when a¬†guy meets you in person he only wants to be your friend because of how fat you are.”
  • “You got lucky in getting the job you have now. ¬†It’s only a matter of time before you’re too old and some young person replaces you. ¬†You really don’t know what you’re doing”
  • “If you would just lose about 50 pounds, you would get to do the welcome video at church like you have always secretly wanted to do. ¬†Or maybe, that guy will FINALLY like you for more than just a friend”
  • “You are so annoying. ¬†You are selfish. ¬†What your ex friend’s mom said about you was right. ¬†There is a reason she unleashed on you. ¬†It was built up frustration cause nobody knows how to tell you how awful you are. ¬†Sure, she has issues, but everyone likes her better so don’t even look at her that way. ¬†You never remember important things in regards to your friends. ¬†Every time you talk to them the convo ends up about you. ¬†Nobody likes that, they are all talking behind your back I’m sure. ¬†Actually, you just talk too much in general.”
  • “Nobody reads anything you write. ¬†You are never going to finish that book, so just give it up”
UGH….It makes me sad to even type those things.  I would simply not allow any of my friends (or anyone for that matter) to talk about themselves like that.  It freaks me out to even be that transparent with the world that I have let those thoughts run me.
THE GOOD NEWS IS‚Ķ‚Ķ..the writings on my wall my say the above‚Ķ‚Ķ.BUT‚Ķthe writings on my mirror (that has just enough room now for me to see my face to put makeup on in the morning), the notes from true friends (and even some strangers), the words in some REALLY good books I am reading‚Ķ‚Ķthey all assure me that my writings on my wall are false. ¬†Within all of these things, there is a resounding and unconditional love that I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around. ¬†Yet, I am clinging on to every single thing spoken or written like no other. ¬†I believe them. ¬†I really do. ¬†And every day, it gets easier and easier to paint over the nasty things written on my wall. ¬†In that painting process, I am starting to see joy, a remarkable peace I didn’t know I could ever feel, happy, and most importantly kindness. ¬†The even greater thing is that with all of those new things, I catch myself ever so often taking down part of the wall and breathing a little better.
The alone time is forcing me to face the bad and admit to myself that I have not been kind to me. ¬†The beautiful thing is that in that same alone time I feel change for the better! ¬†I cannot wait to see what happens next! ¬†If you’re reading this as someone who “knows someone”who has not been kind to them, and you have maybe just “blown it off” or hoped it would pass, I encourage you to lift that person up somehow. ¬†Even if it’s just post-its on a door or mirror like my friend did for me last week. ¬†Even though she did it to help remind me of a big day ahead, I have still not taken them off my front door and love to see them as I head out each morning! ¬†If you are the person being unkind to you STOP IT. ¬†Stop it right now! ¬†You were created by an amazing creator who makes nothing but beautiful things. ¬†To think anything less of yourself is an insult to Him!

Yes, the wall is still up.  But hang around for a bit and I just might hand you asledge-hammer to help me knock it down.