Change is in the air…..

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Whew, this one turned out to be longer than intended.  It’s worth it (or I think it is), to hang in there…….take a bathroom break, do some stretches…..whatever you need to, but hang in there with me! 🙂

I really want to avoid the word “resolution” or any variation of “New Year’s resolution”.  I know it works for some people to make those lists and stick to them.  I admire those folks that diligently sit and layout how things will be different in 2019 and follow through.  I LOVE a good list (I’m just terrible at following them).

I used to want to be one of those people.  However, one of those people, I am not.  And I highly suspect that amongst all of those Facebook posts I have seen, that declare all the sappy and super wholesome new things they promise to do……that there are many who won’t make it any further than I would, if I did make a “resolution” list. I gave up setting myself up for failure long ago (well in the area of New Year’s resolutions lists anyway).

With all that said, I still love what the “new year” signifies in the area of “starting fresh”.  We all know you can do that any day, but I try to embrace what this season brings, even if I go against the grain of the official resolutions listing.  Change is part of the standard for this time of year and even though I’m poking a little fun at the declaration part of it, I love the atmosphere that it brings, even if, in most cases, it doesn’t last past March :p

I also feel like “New Year’s resolutions” have an air of “what I have to do better because I really messed up the last year”.  Whether that’s true or not, or whether I’m way over analyzing, I don’t like to look at things that way.  Sure, I made mistakes.  Of course last year was challenging in some ways (hello…..broken ankle, surgery, 21 screws, pneumonia, flu, new job…..and so forth).  But it wasn’t “bad”.  It just showed me how much more I can do and make better for this new year.

ANDDDDD, with all of the even more rambling said, I’m throwing in some contradiction and giving you a list :).  I guess there really isn’t even a way to avoid calling them resolutions, but for the sake of my rebellion against them, we are just going to call this “what I’m choosing differently for 2019”.

Even though the list is mine……part of it and part of me wants you to realize you should/could do it too.

feelings

Tell people how I feel, no matter what the outcome is.  Easy enough to type and easier to be confused by this one, if you know me.  I’m usually always speaking my mind.  But, surprisingly enough, when it comes to making sure people truly know how I feel, I don’t share nearly as much as I probably should.  But 2018 showed me in more than one (and mostly terrible) way that life is too short.  It showed me that 41 years is of no matter when a friend has to die.  It showed me that too much of what I keep to myself, is because I either expect the same profession back, or I am scared of the reaction of the other person.  It’s time for those fears to be squashed.  It’s time to “say the things” with no expectations in return.  In doing that, it frees me and what the other person chooses to do with it, is on them….and whatever that is,I will be fine….because robbing myself of being true to who I am is only robbing me, never the other people. 🙂 Just say the damn words.

report the good

Report the good.  We are so quick to complain or make sure management knows when we aren’t happy.  We want resolution for our pain and suffering, whether it be on a big scale or when our order is messed up at the drive-thru.  We sometimes assume when we get good service, or a good product, etc, that it’s part of their job or that “they” know everything is fine.  I think if we started making it known when we receive “great”, that it might just help in drowning out and eventually erasing so much of the negativity in our lives.  I, for one, could use a heavy dose of being more grateful and looking through a happier lens. Plus, you never know when you doing this will help the person receiving the praise.

pause

Pause and intentionally choose differently.  Even when it’s comfortable.  I’m NOTORIOUS for acting first and thinking later.  Though I have improved, this area still needs a lot of construction!  I’m determined that it’s not the 900 year I-49 expansion type of construction :P, but it needs work, nonetheless.  I have seen and tasted the sweet glory in little areas when I choose to pause first, pray and choose differently than my normal AND WAIT it out.  I can’t say it’s comfortable……actually it’s grossly uncomfortable for me.  But, if I want differently (and better), I have to DO differently (and better).  I don’t know that I have ever had this much conversation with myself (or God) before making the simplest decisions, but I definitely am feeling wiser for it and I want that to continue! I have to find the balance between who I am at my core (an Aries who is flighty, loves “the in and new thing” and bores easily) and weighing long term versus instant gratification.  I also have to stop letting things derail me.  I promise you the devil smells it when I’m on the right track and he sends me all kinds of distractions (that usually work – i.e. boys who seem like they are dateable).  Gotta “stay woke” as the young kids say……or do they still say that?

process

Learn to like chores and the process.  To build on to the above, I learned a lottttt about “process” this year and how important doing the little things are. I will put off a chore for an embarrassing amount of time if any social activities invites are thrown my way.  I have little desire for admin duties, process and chores.  My type is just not built that way.  I justify it with the fact that time with people is what I thrive off of and that you can’t get that back, yada yada yada.  When you shatter your ankle and can’t even pee by yourself for 3 weeks, you sure get a different perspective on how important process is.  Believe me when I tell you that you can’t put one foot in front of the other until you do all the other steps (no pun intended).  I have a whole new appreciation for “process” and chores. I have no idea how I will get better at being consistent and disciplined in them, but it’s on the list to give it the ol’ college try.  Tips appreciated 🙂

invest in the list

Invest in the list, list of people that is.  I have always had a lot of “friends”.  I’ll spare you the sap and quotes about finding quality as you get older and realizing how important having a “core tribe” is.  I love fiercely and wish I could love the same amount of “fierce” on every single person I know.  But I can’t.  We weren’t build that way.  All I can do is be kinder to every person I interact with.  But, if I’m going to do this life alone thing that seems to be happening, and if I can’t guarantee that the nieces are going to take me in when I get older (kidding, kind of)….AND…..at the rate that people really do come and go and disregard relationship (friendship or otherwise)…..then I have to do better at figuring out which people deserve my time, the real me and my fierce love.  I love using social media for the masses and I love people (really, interacting with people is my favorite thing).  I even have gotten to a really good place where I assume that most people that follow or interact with me have good intentions and think I’m awesome :).  I truly don’t care about those that think otherwise.  But I also have to be realistic that no matter how much I love others, they aren’t always going to feel the same about me or give effort to a relationship with me. And honestly (as my niece pointed out), I can’t just give all of me right off the bat to people.  Why do the people that love me most have to share me, or see me be spread thin (and not give them what they deserve) with someone who doesn’t see my worth, etc?  They shouldn’t have to.  So, I have my people list and plan to work on it.  I hope they hold me accountable!

just say no

Say “No” more often, stick to it and be ok with it.  I think this one is self-explanatory.  I also think I have to stop explaining when I do say it.  Sometimes “no” is for self-preservation.  Sometimes “no” is to protect me from making further bad decisions.  Either way, “no” has to be a necessary part of my 2019.  If you know me at all, you know I can’t even schedule a lunch with someone easily because I stay “overbooked”.  That’s nothing to brag about.  But, again, if I want differently, I have to do differently.  That starts with saying “no” to more things and being ok with it.  I have big things to do and I can’t do them, if I’m chasing instant gratification and worrying about missing out.  It all ties in to the whole appreciating the process and remembering the long term benefit thing.  I’m writing this for me to reference….not you :p

use the gifts

Be ok with my gifts.  Lastly, this.  Actually, no.  Don’t be ok with them.  Be PROUD of them.  Be THANKFUL for them.  Be a GOOD STEWARD of them.  I recently had a session with a coach who asked me to describe my “board members” in my life (love how she labeled them) and what about each of them made me consider them so important in my life.  I went through all the attributes and then she threw me a curve ball.  She was writing them down as I was talking and said that I’m attracted to those traits in those people, because I have those in me too.  Tears.  It’s SO HARD for me to hear anything good about myself (working on it). I appreciate it more than ever, though.  I have good in me.  I do have gifts.  If I look back and think about it, or relive certain instances, I am at my best when I see all those gifts being used.  It’s not a new concept. When you are who you are, you attract so much good to you.  I’ll be damned if I hide those anymore because it makes someone else uncomfortable.  I will no longer walk in a room, watch someone else give me those judgy looks when they are watching me tell a story or interact with others and get quiet or back down.  If anything, I’ll tell more stories and laugh a little louder.  I bet if you took a look at your gifts and used them a little more boldly, that you’d see some “new good” too 🙂

So, that’s it.  Tell me I’m not the only one who reflects during this time and has some of these same thoughts too? 🙂

I reserve the right to amend or add at any point.  For now, I’m gonna buckle up and see what kind of tricks 2019 has up it’s sleeve.  I wish you the best in your list too :)!  I hope you find all the happiness you’re searching for and that 2019 brings all that you want it to!  I’m cheering for us all!

Wearing the Things

America.  Here’s the deal.  I did NOT want to show you this outfit.  As much as I love sharing myself, especially my closet, some aspects are a real struggle to put out there.  The good days are good.  People seem to align to your way of thinking and the interwebs join in chorus of agreement that the look I chose for the day is “on fleek” (is that still a saying amongst you young ones?). The bad days, well, they’re not my favorite.  The days when people think because you are putting yourself out there and you are a blunt person, that they can take liberties in being blunt with you in telling you they don’t like your outfit, or if they were you, they wouldn’t wear this or that.

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One of my biggest “problem areas” physically is my legs.  I have written about them before (remember that guy that called them log legs? Read here if you want).  What’s bigger than my fear of criticism for wearing this style of shoe when I have such big ankles, is my stubbornness.  I am determined to overcome my own stigmas I have attached to myself and to come to a place where when I walk in a room, others can’t keep from catching some of the enthusiasm and fierceness I plan to exude! The stubborn came out in full force when I spotted these shoes on the shelf last year.  They fit, they’re red and they scream “wear me everywhere you can and own every step”!!!  Every voice in my head was saying “ugh, you can’t wear that type of shoe because of your ankle” but all I could concentrate on was that one tiny voice that would wait til it got quiet and then whisper “who. flipping. cares.  These shoes were made for you, dollface”
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Up until today, I have only worn them with jeans to mask at least a little of the legs and create the illusion that I “deserve” to wear them, just like someone with smaller legs.  Wow, that’s hard to type out loud.  It’s been in my head for a while…….I have literally had thoughts that I didn’t deserve to wear something because I’m not as little as they typical people who sport these looks.  And it’s as ridiculous for me to read my own typing of that, as it is for you to read it on your screen.
But……
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Slowly but surely……and thanks to a lot of inspirational chicks who have “paved the way”………I have gotten more and more brave to sport certain looks and it’s feeling better and better every time that I do!  Today is one of the bravest days of them all!  There was a time, a few years ago, that I would’ve walked into a room and had women stared like this morning, I would’ve immediately thought “oh no, they think I look hideous.  I knew I shouldn’t have worn this.  They are probably going to talk about how fat I am.”.  Today, when I stopped by the store and noticed stares, my head immediately went to “oh good, they see how cute this is too!  I bet they want to know where I got these shoes.  I wonder if they think I’m a famous person since I’m so snazzy this early in the morning”!  Do you know how much work that took but how INCREDIBLE it feels.  My mind simply feels lighter and more joyful.  It starts there and leads to me being kinder than normal, more enthusiastic and definitely more energetic.
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I ramble all of that to say this:

I took the VERY LONG way around in all that “find yourself”, “love yourself”, “be comfortable in your own skin” mess that we all are supposed to arrive at.  I took the long way and choose to tell you about it in hopes that if you’re on your way, you get there a little quicker than I did.

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I can’t describe the feeling, but it’s simply awesome when you arrive there.  I physically feel different…..peaceful…..unstoppable…..almost too selfish in the aspect of not caring a single bit what is going on around me.  I wish I could say that I feel this way consistently, but unfortunately, I don’t. Further truth be told, not long ago, I let a really big jerk affect the way I feel and make me question myself.  THAT makes me furious, but that’s also for another blog 🙂 and I’m just too happy right now to write about a hot fireman who turned out to be your stereotypical douchelord.
That deserves a bit of a music break 🙂 This song is perfect for this blog and a little light dancing 🙂 Go ahead – do it!
I cling to the good days.  I document them and use them to remind me not to let the bad days win.  I have no secret weapons or magic potion to this whole living in my own skin thing.
  • I just try to be nice to me.
  • I try not to apologize for it.
  • I own myself and my attitude daily (even if it’s bad or misunderstood and misperceived).
  • I wear the things
  • I celebrate the wins and steps forward
  • I force myself to learn from the steps backwards and not to camp out there very long
Wear the things that make you feel amazing and wear them unapologetically, dang it!!!!!!  I PROMISE you that it will be a small start to a huge ripple effect.  I mean that with all my heart.
If you know nothing else about me, know that there are few who can deny that I am genuine and overly passionate in what I believe.  I believe that every single person should love every single thing about them and NOBODY has the right to impose anything but love and kindness upon them.  If putting my “log legs” out there and rambling about what goes on in my crazy head helps one person to believe that even a fraction more than they did before they started this blog, I win…..and the jerks lose 🙂
The End.
If this got you as fired up  as it did me when I typed it 🙂  Read some other good ones where I “was woman hear me roar”….aka, I wore the things!

Declaration of “limbdependance”

Earlier yesterday, I made this happy little post in social media land. As if I not bold enough already, I was now declaring to be even bolder.

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Love this little book a sweet friend got for me! Even though its tiny and each page has just one little saying, I discovered how much of it applies to where I am at today. Starting with these few images. I am losing the ability to fear outcomes. Ok, maybe not losing it but not letting it control what I go after as much. Today, I start finding more limbs to go out on. I will stop thinking “i should do” or “i wish i could” and actually do. Cute guy at the grocery store? I am going to strike up conversation. In the mood for breakfast and nobody to accompany me? Going anyway. Not posting a blog because nobody probably reads them….not anymore. Today I start “doing” more and smiling no matter what the outcome is!!! Love who you are. #journey #selflove #selfcare

And then came this….

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Remember that whole “going out on a limb” business earlier??? Well….i decide to boldly ask someone to dinner. It just happens to be a guy WHO APPROACHED me at a restaurant last week. We visited for two hours. He wrote the note you see here and then showed up at a party my friends invited him to on Saturday (he knew nobody there so we all assumed he showed up out of interest for me). We were all confused as to why he would show up since he had not been returning my texts only to find out he wrote down the wrong number (which he blamed on his intoxication). So…anyway….there seemed to be obvious interest :-). Until he just tells me that he only wants to go to dinner as friends. Did he see me saturday in full light and change his mind? I mean i was even wearing a dress when i first met him and my legs were exposed AND i had cankles. By Saturday I am in a cute cardigan and ankle jeans. Now he just wants to be friends? Everyone thinks women are crazy. And most of us are. But at least we arent confusing 🙂
OH WELL…I declared earlier I would smile through it with no regrets…..so 😃 moving right along!!! (He had bad grammar anyway so maybe being friends can at least teach him the correct form of “you’re”)