Pete and Repeat – The Boys That Won’t Go Away

Hooray for a new week!  Some of my favorite outfits are up on deck this week to show you from shopping in my closet as well as some of my favorite stories and life lessons to go with them!  You’re going to see lots of repeats this week.  That was what made putting these together so fun, that I had so many pieces that worked with so many different things!!! 

In the theme of repeats, I figured we might as well talk about repeat boys.  Before your mind starts wondering to places it shouldn’t in reference to repeats (especially you people from my home town that know what a stupid teenager I was), let me clarify.  I mean those repeat offenders that you keep letting back into your life when they have proven so often that they don’t deserve to be there.  You know, the ones that you just can’t seem to cut ties with?  Maybe you’re not always the one bringing them back in, but when they show up, you don’t object.  If repeat offenders were one of those punch cards that when you fill up you get free food, I would have been able to feed my whole family last week!  Was there an old flame haunting convention in town and I missed it?IMG_5086

I am going to try really hard to make this short and sweet when every typing bone in my body could get started and not stop until at least a few chapters were written on just this subject.  In my complete education from the School of Hard Knocks and extreme lack of education in the area of psychology and other “guru doctorness”……here are my reasons/revelations as to why the only repeats I want in my life moving forward are good outfits, good movies and good songs on loop!  Although the following is more of a “me preaching to me” session, I am guessing there is someone else that needs to read it too!

  1.  You only have one heart.  It’s so fragile.  And every time you choose to use it to invest love into someone, you give a little piece of it away (or in my case a big piece).  Whether you want to admit it or not, you literally carve out a piece of it for the person you are choosing to love.  With an organ so very fragile, shouldn’t we take extra care of it and be careful how we give it away?  Because, even though we can glue it back together, or give it some kind of repair when it breaks, it will still never be the same.  Rarely does the person who took that piece you gave them, ever give it back in the same condition it was given in.  If they didn’t handle it correctly the first time, why would we allow them to have another piece.  What happens when you have given so many pieces of your heart away that you have nothing left when the right person does come along?  
  2. You are giving them permission to not change.  So, you broke the ties once (or maybe they broke them for you).  You finally begin to heal and realize that you are moving on in a better direction and that there is new opportunity for you to grow from it (or at least I hope that is the case for you).  Now, for whatever reason, they come knocking on the door of your heart again.  Maybe you invited them back out of loneliness.  Maybe they are coming back out of their own loneliness.  Either way, they’re back and your choice on whether you let them back in or not sends a louder message than you know.  Of course there are the situations where one actually does change and things actually can be repaired.  Often, those are more the exception than the rule.  Remember, the ties were broken for a reason.  And more often than not, you allowing repeat back in sends the message of “You don’t really have to change, I’ll let you back in and my guard will eventually fall enough for you to start the old habits of mistreating me again.”  Be careful of the message it sends to your own heart as well.  You could very well be letting it know “hey heart, I know you were working really hard to repair and move on, but we are gonna go backwards for a bit.”  I am not proud to admit that some have gotten not just one repeat trip, but a few.  IMG_5091
  3. You are delaying your real prize!  When you combine one and two above, you get delay.  See, whether you see it or believe it now or not, there is that one purpose that ONLY YOU are supposed to be.  It wasn’t made for anyone else, so nobody else can receive it.  Same goes for that “one person for you”, if you will.  It’s perfectly ok that you take a rugged path to get there or that you take your time.  It’s even fine to have the hiccups of going through a few wrong people.  BUT, if you don’t move from them and you allow them back, you are only delaying the greatest happening of your life.  You just are.  Man, that hurts to type and swallow for me right now!  I will tell you that finally truly believing that I deserve what is supposed to be for me and believing that there really is something THAT GREAT coming, has made it much easier for me lately to “cut the cord” a lot quicker with repeat bad things in my life (whether it be relationships of any kind, food, unhealthy thoughts, etc).  I want to get to the good that I know is there waiting and I do not want any more delays that I bring upon myself!  Make sense?
  4. You are risking an avalanche.  When you allow the repeats and give just that tiny opening for the brokenness to come back in, it is almost inevitable that it will affect other things in your life as well.  In my situation, it just opens the flood gates for negativity and it usually starts with me attacking myself.  It’s not secret that I am already battling that daily as it is.  It took more restraint than you know not to make this post about all the horrible things I see in these pictures (huge legs, puffy wrists, seven chins, etc).  But, if I take a stand against not allowing repeat “bad heart treaters” in my life, then that includes repeat self-hate.

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As usual, I rattled way more than I intended to!  I hope that you get what I am saying and that you truly understand how precious you and that big ol’ heart of yours are!  Let’s end the repeat boys right there and get over to some good repeats, like this outfit! 🙂  This chami was purchased for less than a Sonic drink and goes with SO MANY things in my closet!  First up, is how it looks with this cardigan.  Don’t you just love a long cardigan?  I will have to have the same talk with myself as I do every year.  I will stand in the mirror and say “Alicia, you cannot wear a cardigan every single day this fall/winter.  You have to give the other great pieces in your closet some love too!”.  

Before you go, can we also just please take a minute to drool over these FABULOUS shoes and that great hat?  My exchange student insisted that I bring the hat into the wardrobe family and I am so glad she did!!  These shoes.  Well, these shoes are filling a hole that no man could fill anyway right now! :p 

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Finish the dang wall already….

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I have lived in my apartment since mid March. I am yet to decorate. I have a pile of great things to hang on my living room wall. Every week I was having girls night and every week we would say “for real. This week we are hanging crap”. And every week the wine would win. And now my friend had moved to New Jersey and the pile still sits there.

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Writings on the wall….or mirror :-)

 

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I publicly declared yesterday that I was taking a hiatus from Facebook for the month of June.  Sure, it may not seem like a big deal to most.  But for someone who could basically work for Facebook as much time as I spend on there, this was a pretty big declaration indeed.  As cheesy as it may sound., I need to spend time with me and not with the life I lead on Facebook.  I said in recent blogs that I know I am at the part of my journey to being a more awesome me where I am forced to experience “alone”.  And to truly soak that up, I need to get rid of a few things that get way too much of my time (i.e. Facebook) and give that time to things that do not get very much attention (myself mentally and physically……ANNNNDDDDD the books and journals collecting dust on my shelves).
In my first day “off” from Facebook, I have realized that it is my thumb’s second nature to “click and scroll”.  I think my thumb may be having more withdrawals than I am!  What I have not been admitting to myself is that diving into Facebook, sharing my life as an open poster, knowing I make people laugh or sometimes just shake their heads, is that I use it as a disguise or distraction.  I probably really do it so that I don’t have to address the writing on the wall.
You see, I have built a wall that would rival the Great Wall of China.  I think I was laying one brick at a time in my younger years.  Then, I think in the last couple of years after experiencing a physically and mentally abusive relationship, I just called in the concrete and iron workers and told them to work double time to build a wall so big, so tall and so hard around my heart that nothing would ever hurt it again.  I wanted to build whatever device I had to so that I NEVER encountered the hell on Earth that the abuse and time following brought.  It didn’t take long to put that wall up.  However, I decorated it nicely so that everyone thought that I was fine and bouncing back nicely.  I decorated it with lots of dating to show I was “ready” to get back out there.  I decorated it with service and volunteering so that people would see how big my heart really is.
Then, I let self-doubt in.  I let one bad date after another take a piece of the wall with them when they went or I sent them on their way.  And myself and old man self-doubt took out some spray paint and went to town on writing graffiti on the wall.  The worse thing was, I wrote it on my side of the wall and stayed on that side.  I didn’t come out to the side where people were passing by and looking at my decorations.  I stayed on the inside and stared at what was written there.  And it was not nice.  It wasn’t nice at all.
  • “You’re never going to find anyone.  It never fails when a guy meets you in person he only wants to be your friend because of how fat you are.”
  • “You got lucky in getting the job you have now.  It’s only a matter of time before you’re too old and some young person replaces you.  You really don’t know what you’re doing”
  • “If you would just lose about 50 pounds, you would get to do the welcome video at church like you have always secretly wanted to do.  Or maybe, that guy will FINALLY like you for more than just a friend”
  • “You are so annoying.  You are selfish.  What your ex friend’s mom said about you was right.  There is a reason she unleashed on you.  It was built up frustration cause nobody knows how to tell you how awful you are.  Sure, she has issues, but everyone likes her better so don’t even look at her that way.  You never remember important things in regards to your friends.  Every time you talk to them the convo ends up about you.  Nobody likes that, they are all talking behind your back I’m sure.  Actually, you just talk too much in general.”
  • “Nobody reads anything you write.  You are never going to finish that book, so just give it up”
UGH….It makes me sad to even type those things.  I would simply not allow any of my friends (or anyone for that matter) to talk about themselves like that.  It freaks me out to even be that transparent with the world that I have let those thoughts run me.
THE GOOD NEWS IS……..the writings on my wall my say the above…….BUT…the writings on my mirror (that has just enough room now for me to see my face to put makeup on in the morning), the notes from true friends (and even some strangers), the words in some REALLY good books I am reading……they all assure me that my writings on my wall are false.  Within all of these things, there is a resounding and unconditional love that I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around.  Yet, I am clinging on to every single thing spoken or written like no other.  I believe them.  I really do.  And every day, it gets easier and easier to paint over the nasty things written on my wall.  In that painting process, I am starting to see joy, a remarkable peace I didn’t know I could ever feel, happy, and most importantly kindness.  The even greater thing is that with all of those new things, I catch myself ever so often taking down part of the wall and breathing a little better.
The alone time is forcing me to face the bad and admit to myself that I have not been kind to me.  The beautiful thing is that in that same alone time I feel change for the better!  I cannot wait to see what happens next!  If you’re reading this as someone who “knows someone”who has not been kind to them, and you have maybe just “blown it off” or hoped it would pass, I encourage you to lift that person up somehow.  Even if it’s just post-its on a door or mirror like my friend did for me last week.  Even though she did it to help remind me of a big day ahead, I have still not taken them off my front door and love to see them as I head out each morning!  If you are the person being unkind to you STOP IT.  Stop it right now!  You were created by an amazing creator who makes nothing but beautiful things.  To think anything less of yourself is an insult to Him!

Yes, the wall is still up.  But hang around for a bit and I just might hand you asledge-hammer to help me knock it down.

 

 

 

Broken baby maker……

Sometimes I have so much running through my head that I get overwhelmed with where to even start to blog it all 🙂  So I just don’t.  And before I know it, a few months has passed since my last post.  THEN, I come across someone else’s blog that makes me wonder if they have been secretly camping out in my head and recording my thoughts for me.

That was the case when I came across this jewel of a blog (see link below to read for yourself).  🙂  It’s a great read.  Not only for anyone who might struggle with this issue but also for those who watch others struggle and aren’t sure how to look at the situation.  She says exactly what I think about it 🙂

I literally just had this convo with a coworker earlier yesterday about my struggles when I hear the mistreatment of a child and would give anything to have one……but….I literally hope and pray daily that I will never have to stand before God and ask him “why not me”….because my hope is that I see the purpose in not being able to have children and fulfill that purpose that was intended for me thus completely voiding the need for him to explain himself to me 
So, I get up daily, seeking that purpose….and loving on any kid that comes my way. Maybe that’s all I’m supposed to do. Maybe I am supposed to love on so many that having one of my own would’ve distracted me from that  Isaiah 55:12

Thank you Natasha for sharing your spirit with us!!!  Click here to read!

P.S.  Look at all these ca-uuuuuutttteee kids I already get to love on any time I want!!! 🙂  Who wouldn’t be happy with that??

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Answering My Critics

Let’s talk about why you don’t like me! 🙂  Well, maybe not you in particularly, but we will address those in general who deem themselves as “Alicia Fancy Pants Critics”.  Although this could easily go from a short blog to a long book defending all of the things I am criticized for, we will keep it to the subject of dating today (which will probably still turn out longer than I intended).  For all you grammar critics out there, please note that this was not proofed before posting.  I am simply jotting thoughts down and wanted to get them out there before my 2014 blog absence started mirroring the 2013 absences.  Plus, the self-appointed proofer I have is MIA tonight so hopefully he won’t cringe too badly when reading this! 🙂
So i date. I date a lot.  I’m not sure what the average single person racks up in dating numbers but I would venture to say that I am above the average if not blowing them out of the water.  I have lost count at the dating advice I have been given or the eye rolls I have received from friends and family.  Everyone knows how Alicia should date, or so they think.  Although most of the conversations my friends or family try to have with me about dating come out of love and only wanting the best for me, there are more times than not that judgement comes from the method of dating I use as well as the amount of dates I have been on.
I would also report that the minute I publicly claim to be dating someone “steady” via Facebook, people rejoice and hold their breath wondering how long it will last.  There are some who think that your existence is only validated if you are in a relationship.  Unfortunately I see this mostly from my hometown crowd.  It was hard to deal with that mentality being forced on you growing up and even harder to see it being embedded into the minds of young girls growing up there today.  There are those who think that because I am single, I must be unhappy.  I must look at every couple and envy them all while crying myself to sleep hoping that prince charming is right around the corner for me. It’s also assumed that I hate Valentine’s day because I am single.  (Which is not the case.  We can discuss that later though)
Let me set the record straight.  I am happy.  Happier than I have ever been in my entire life actually.  And because of that, I am able to look at this whole dating thing a little differently than people would expect me to.  Because of FINALLY being happy with myself and who I am, I am able to have the following outlook in answer to critics of a serial dater 🙂
So I have a lot of dates.  With most of them being “one date wonders”.
  •     At least I am not sitting at home depressed about being single
  •     At least I am putting myself out there despite how many times I have had relationships fail miserably.
  •     At least I am willing to meet all types of people versus narrowing the field to a checklist of things
  •     At least I don’t get down and out when one doesn’t work (ok, some may cause temporary “down and outness” that results in talking it over and analyzing with friends.  Those times are getting fewer and fewer though)

I keep my great big heart open.  More times than not it has been handled very poorly by the other person.  And more times than not it has felt hurt from love/dating versus happiness.  But every single time that has happened, I have learned from it.  I continue to grow.  Plus, I keep REALLY GREAT heart glue around!

So I online date.  I online date so much that I expect some of the sites to contact me any day now to become a consultant.
  •     My circle of friends doesn’t have too many single men
  •     I can’t stay up late enough for the bar scene anymore – nor do I care to meet anyone there.  Even if I could stay up, I certainly couldn’t dress the part.  The thought of wearing heels and a spanx for hours at a smoky bar makes me cringe.
  •     Because I am busy with work, friends, family, etc, online dating is a way to easily check out people in my area while sitting in my jammies and no makeup.  There are more than one out there that I am thankful I talked to online versus meeting them for the first time in person.  If I would have curled my hair, put on my best outfit, and sprayed perfume to meet some of these people blindly, I would’ve been super disappointed that all that work was wasted.  Trust me.
 I exercise caution and try to be as smart as possible in online dating.  A friend always knows who I am out with including his phone number.  I have learned the hard way how to detect red flags and have exited many situations because of them.
So I fall fast.  When I do meet someone, if I like them and feel a strong enough connection, I tend to jump in with both feet (and hands, head, heart, all of it).  
  •     At least I am not letting past jerks ruin me to being open for love should it come along.  (That doesn’t mean past damage isn’t there to deal with by any means.  It just means that I keep moving)
  •     At least I know my heart is HUGE and capable of feeling pitter patters 🙂
  •     At least I trust myself enough to fall knowing that it may not work and that’s ok
 I am working on this area more than any other in my dating life right now.  Goodness knows it needs it.  But I will never apologize for the loving spirit I have even if it does seem to live on fast forward.
Look.  In all areas of our lives we are encouraged to pursue only the best.  We are challenged to be ambitious in our careers.  We are told to go after what we want in areas of work, dreams, goals, etc.  Yet, in the area of love, we are just supposed to sit and wait for Prince Charming to come.  Well, I’m not buying it.  If you sit at home eating grapes, wearing flannel jammies, and a face mask thinking Mr. Right is just going to show up at your door and say “hi, I’m here, I’m the one for you”….you’re just crazy.  Not happening.  I refuse to sit at home, church, the grocery store, or anywhere else thinking that love will magically appear and find me.  Is there a chance that at those places love will cross my path?  Maybe.  (by the way, I’m not sure there is anywhere in the bible that Jesus specifically says “wait on your soul mate at home – I have one for you.  That, however is a whole other topic we won’t get into).  But I certainly won’t know if it crosses my path if I’m not out there searching.
I will guard my heart but I will not close it.  I will take time to heal when necessary so that I don’t lose trust or become too hurt to let the right person in.
As long as I am being true to myself.  As long as I am being wiser rather than blinder.  As long as I don’t become a bitter, unkind soul………I will date.  And I will enjoy it.  I will look back on it someday with many stories to share about the journey that I went on leading me to “the one” and how great it was to find him after all I had been through!

The end 🙂