Fancy Faux Parenting: Yoga For Beginners

Today’s faux mom adventures are going to highlight a recent attempt at yoga for my exchange student and I.  I’m not sure why I thought this might actually go smoothly. Nothing with me ever really does.  Add her into the mix, now that she is really relaxing and I am seeing her hysterical personality, and you have the makings of the blog before you. 🙂
My only regret in this experience was that I didn’t capture any pictures or video.  So, we will incorporate an Outfit Of The Day selection instead and kill two birds with one stone.  In actuality, getting into this skirt took a few yoga moves, so technically it fits the theme.
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Also, can we just all agree that the polka dots are fun?
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Back to yoga.  I love it.  I suck at it.  But, I love it.  If there is a level below beginner, that’s what I am.  I don’t even care, though.  I love how I feel even after one session.  It has been so good for my body and my mind lately.  I try to take a free class that is offered once per week.  In typical Alicia fashion, I fell off the wagon.  We are not going to spend time beating that up.  We are just all going to rejoice in the fact that I am trying to get back into it and how helpful it has already been.
Feeling like once a week wasn’t enough, I ventured out and bought a beginner DVD set from Walmart.  It says beginner.  It came with a block (that’s code for “you can’t bend that far, so use this”).  I’m in.  Sold.  Can’t wait to light a candle at home, turn down the lights and get this yoga party started.
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Monica (my exchange student) decided that we should break out the videos and give them a try to relax us for the evening.  I was excited to have a partner.  The following are our highlights.
  •  Break out the DVD player and hook it up.  I had previously played it through AirPlay on my Mac.  Time elapsed: 15 minutes – we couldn’t get it to work.  Who knows why.
  • Put Introduction to Yoga for Beginners back into Mac and load up AirPlay.  Make it through 7 minutes of DVD with a decent attempt at the moves.
  • Stop for 3 minutes to talk about how this doesn’t seem beginner-isn at all.
  • Try the next 3 moves in hopes that, over the last 10 minutes, you have caught on and the rest of the DVD will make you look like a real yogi.  Breathe louder as you do this and the kid will think you are legit.
  •  Take a break for the next move/sequence.  This dude is crazy if he thinks this is beginners.  Explain to the kid that it’s not that you need a break, it’s just hard to see exactly what he is doing so you are going to readjust ourself.
  • Do 1 more move.  Try not to fall.  Take a 5 minute break to teach your Spanish student how to say “Yoga” in American. 🙂
  • Vote to try one of the other DVDs.  Let’s try Hath and Flow for beginners.  It mentioned relieving stress, so I’m always in for that! Do not show fear to the kid.  Hit play with a confidence that lets her know “this is going to be fantastic”.
  • Attempt the move where you raise your leg straight back in the air behind you, then bring your knee to your nose.  All while you’re on your hands and knees/legs.  Think to yourself “clearly this dude has never tried this with DDs and a flabby stomach in his way.  The knee is NOT making it to this nose.  Not today.”, but refrain from saying it out loud in front of your kid.
  • Make a mental note to ask your yoga instructor during the next class exactly how many times she is willing to see you in person in a week versus you having to go through another failed DVD session.  Make a second mental note to put the DVD set online to sell.  Wait a day, if nobody buys it, give it away.
  •  Look up just to check on your kid, only to see her stick her leg up, try to lean forward into somewhat of a pushup pose, and fall flat on her face.
  • Laugh hysterically for ten minutes.  Embrace your core during laughing to get an extra ab or two.  Because that ten minutes of laughter was more than any of the DVDs have done for you thus far.
  •  Carry your book to bed and stretch out while reading.
The End.

Speaking my language…when people say what you’re thinking

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I have been struggling so much with self image lately. I want to be healthier (I WILL be healthier). I want to feel better. I have friends who are hardcore “workouters” 🙂 and I hate feeling not pretty enough around them. I hate being the perfect match for someone BUUUTTTT….them just not being able to date me because of my weight.

 

I am not ugly (or at least my selfies don’t make me feel like I am 🙂 !).  I make myself take a pic (despite what the articles say about that meaning that you have a mental illness) and then look at the pic and be nice to myself.  I literally do this probably three times a week.  And if you have never struggled with loving yourself, you probably have no idea what I am talking about.  If you have ever struggled with it though, you know EXACTLY how hard it is to look at a picture of yourself and not tear it apart.  It seems foreign to snap a pic and think “I really like my makeup today” or “This top looks good with my skin tones.  And how bout that hair today! Good job”.  On top of it being weird to do, it’s not really accepted by society.  In this case, society can suck it though! 🙂


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I know that I am not ugly because I believe I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I am loved more than any human could ever come close to. I KNOW THIS. I retreat to this daily. Yet, i destroy myself daily with decisions I make (food, people I allow in my life, the list goes on).  It is more than overwhelming trying to get on track and know which direction to go with all the programs, naughty bodies, etc out there.

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Last night in my “reflect on where you’re at time” (which usually involves lots of music, praying and reading), I came across this blog and wanted to scream “she gets it! This is what i know!!”   I’m not sure Claire realized when she wrote this blog that it would fall into the screen of a woman who was desperately searching for encouragement and “relatable” reads.  But I am so glad that it happened that way!

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I dont want to be skinnier for a man. I dont care about that anymore. I want to be healthy to be able to fully carry out my purpose. I want to take care of my body that I was given and be able to live out the acknowledgement that my body is indeed a temple I was trusted to take care of. In all aspects.  Every single struggle I am facing right now (dating decisions, fitness, financial, etc) all boils down to lack of discipline and obedience. And the outside noise and influence I have let effect that even more has to change. Immediately.

Thats a whole lotta rambling and thinking out loud just to tell you I loved this blog Boobs Happen, or…When My Workout Shrinks My Soul.  And to let you know that it is more than ok if your “temple” doesn’t look like the cover of a fitness magazine. Its perfectly fine if you eat in front of your crossfit junkie friends. And its ok to hug people even if they only feel fluff when they wrap their arms around you.

Today is the day I start surrounding myself with same minded people who simply put working for the kingdom first. Who only uplift and encourage. Who refuse to see anything but potential and greatness in me.

Today also happens to be my first workout with a new group that in one day of consultation have given me more support and encouragement than all the things i have done in the past put together. I am thrilled that they dont see it as a job and that they sell it as their mission.

Happy Monday!!

Women can run…..without being chased…

“The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.”

― John BinghamNo Need for Speed: A Beginner’s Guide to the Joy of Running

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Tonight was the first of a series of 10 week classes that help women run….on purpose.  It’s a free clinic sponsored by Women Run Arkansas and they host these clinics throughout the state.  Having seen personal testimony of a dear friend who has literally transformed in front of our eyes, and contributing some of that to this great program, I thought I would give it a try.  I mean, I need to move because apparently, according to trainers (and science I suppose), sitting on the couch doesn’t burn calories.  Honestly, I can’t even tell you why I have wanted to become a runner.  Always have.  I look at other runners and want my body so badly to go in that motion for that amount of time.  Yet, time and time again, I fail miserably.  Even though I have completed a legit half marathon, the mental war inside my head leads me to be a super flake.

BUT….NO MORE….since I am doing the detox, cleaning out the toxic people and restoring myself in 2014, I decided that I WILL conquer this running issue.  I had no idea what to expect when I showed up tonight.  It was almost too overwhelming.  At one point I even wanted to go back to my car and grab my phone so that I could document all that I was taking in!

Here are a few observations for what they’re worth : )

  1.  I knew the director and I would get along fantastically when she said “I mean ladies, you HAVE to have a good bra.  You can go to Victoria’s Secret, but the only thing that fits me there is the lotion”……..soul sisters unite!
  2. Just because your car thermometer says its 55 degrees outside, doesn’t mean that it’s completely true.  It also doesn’t mean that when it gets dark, and there is still snow on the ground that it won’t get colder.  Lesson learned.
  3. I show up and much to my surprise there are TONS of women there.  They announced that over 200 registered.  I would guess that about 75 of those showed up tonight.  Immediate intimidation number one.  Yikes!!  I mean there were old ones, young ones, skinny ones, not so skinny ones, top of line running gear ones, and even a granny sporting a gold chain (no lie).  I have never been shy so I assume that it will take me approximately 4.35 seconds to make friends.  Not so.  I stood there by myself, freezing in my short sleeve shirt, with that sad puppy look on my face telepathically telling the other women’s “i want to be your runner friend”.  No dice.  One lady even went to her car to get me an extra jacket that she had.  I was certain that we were about to be “besties for the resties”……..but nope, false alarm.  She was an intermediate runner and left me in the dust.
  4. But, if these ladies who are all shapes and sizes and ages can do it, then by golly so can I!  THANKFULLY as we started our warm up walk, I ended up by two sweet ladies who hung with me for the rest of the class.  I shared with them my detox struggles and then realized……”whoa, what is happening?  Who is this girl?  What are these words coming out of my mouth about health and wellness versus wine and chocolate?”.  I have scheduled a MRI of my brain STAT.
  5. I was so nervous about the whole process that I literally wanted to corner my two new friends and make them pinky swear that they would be my friends, show up for the classes, and never leave me.  I refrained from such proclamation but did find a way to work Facebook into the mix and am anxiously awaiting their friend requests.  ALSO, one of them lives in the town I am moving to shortly and offered to walk/run outside of the clinic.  See!!!!!!! It’s fate right?  I mean, I can’t make a relationship with a man/boyfriend work out to save my life….but Jennie and I will be scrapbooking and wearing BFF necklaces before you know it (do they even make those anymore?)!
  6. I ran and didn’t even realize it was time to stop running.  AND I COULD STILL BREATHE when it was done.  Hold on to your seats folks, but I even talked while jogging.  This is huge.
  7. I should be a spokesperson for the sports bra I have started wearing.  It’s like a spanx for your boobs.  They literally don’t move.  I’m actually afraid that when I go to take it off my boobs might just pop out so fast that I will be injured.  To go from wearing two cheap sports bras in an effort to “keep them contained” to one heavy duty piece of equipment has made this experience completely tolerable.
  8. It seems like when women come together with a common struggle or common cause, that we are all just a tiny bit nicer to each other.  Except the one lady with a gazillion dollars worth of veneers, botox and neck lift in her face.  She was just plain judgey Jane.  I held myself back from tripping her.
  9. Tomorrow I will ache and probably walk like I’m 93 years old.  But the show must go on.  I have a function to attend where the need to put my best “oh you want all this now that you realize how bad you screwed up but it ain’t gonna happen, but I’m gonna look hot just to dig a little bit” foot forward : )
  10. When I survive this clinic and go to the “graduation” 5K event, I will be sporting a cap and gown.  You have no idea what an accomplishment this will be for me!  To run without being chased.  To run a 5K and still be able to breathe.  To soak it up as therapy and an escape from everything else in my life for a few minutes each week.  These are the things that I will cherish in this journey.  You have to start somewhere.  It’s way  past the time that I truly and really focus on a better me.  I have a whole world to conquer and I plan on doing it in a smaller jean size, some red high heels, and a few curls!

Here is survival picture number one of hopefully many to come!  Why I am so comfortable sharing such an awful selfie with the interwebs for anyone to see is beyond my comprehension.  I am hoping that it’s a sign of progress in my “liking me” journey.  Be nice to yourself.  It’s vital. 🙂

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Duck Face Fitness Gal

I have been so sick this week and not even remotely felt like working out much less walk, run, bend over to stretch…nothing…..

BUT…I knew if I didn’t do SOMETHING from today through Sunday, I would be charged $5.00 per day by the gympact app I use (which is awesome by the way). I reasoned with myself that it was only 30 minutes that I had to do and at least it was cold outside (I HATE the heat). PLUS, dr’s and antibiotics have not touched whatever funk I have contracted so maybe a freezing jog will.

And there I went. AND GUESS WHAT? IT WAS GREAT! I mean it was hard. And I’m not sure if I helped or hurt my sinus situation…..but it was great. Oh…it doesn’t stop there folks….I KEPT JOGGING. Like faster than walk, non-stop jogging an extra TEN MINUTES past my app workout. Um hmmmmm….true story.

So when you think you can’t, you really can. That’s your sappy lesson for the day. You know what i love about loving myself and this whole revolution? I SEE CHANGES….all over.

I initially took this pic as a joke to send friends, but why not share with the world. This week has been hard. I ate bad, was lazy, and felt absolutely rotten. But tonight….tonight I ROCKED. 🙂

This my friends is the face of a girl who thought she felt good enough to run and was wrong. But did it anyway. And ran beyond the designated workout time. HUGE STEP. ROCK ON duck face fitness gal. R O C K ON!

OPERATION NAUGHTY BODY!!! 🙂

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