Fancy’s Swimsuit Edition…..Wearing Whatever the Flip I want……..

I typed. Retyped. Started a new draft, with new thoughts. Went back to the old draft. I made sure I covered all the past things that got me here (mean high school girls, chocolate gravy for breakfast as a little girl, hysterectomy at a very young age).  And all that just took up too many words and seemed to STILL miss the one main point of this post, all together.

All I really need to say is this….I have fallen in in love with my body. And with that said, I have some killer swimsuits this season that need their moment.  So please allow me to introduce you to some great swimsuits for those of us with a little oomph and extra! 🙂  Of course, they come with a few paragraphs of life lesson, which I hope you won’t mind!  Frankly, I just do not care about how uncomfortable you are with how fantastic I feel about myself, nor do I care to suffer through an Arkansas summer more covered than necessary (I HATE THE HEAT)!

img_9957

It makes zero sense to be this in love with a body that needs so much improvement. But I truly love it. I actually don’t want it to look too much differently than it does now. I mean that. I have come a LONG WAY in ceasing to compare myself with other bodies.  It feels SO GOOD to look at a pic of another woman and think “she is so pretty” or “I love that outfit” versus the other horrible comparisons I would do, or even worse, trying to find someone that I thought looked bigger and worse than me so that I would feel better about what I currently looked like. I am so ashamed to admit that I did that.

UYBN9676

I want this body to be healthier. I don’t want gravity to take over. I need the fine lines and wrinkles to simmer down.  However, this poor body has carried me through some terrible times. It has had the worst neglect and too many “I’ll start tomorrow”, to count. It has been beaten and spit on. In it’s current state, literally every day that I wake up, it has to decide to fight against an illness I like to pretend I don’t have. Lately, walking at all is more of an accomplishment than I have shared with most of my people.

 

IMG_2510IMG_2509

It could’ve failed me long ago. It could’ve put out a completely different reflection, based on what I have put in it over time. But it hasn’t (thankfully!!). So, I owe it a bit more credit than I have given it in the past. PLUS, I decorate it pretty well on most days!

I know how much work it took, to only take way too long to get here.  The last thing I want is to contribute to any other little girl or woman watching me attack myself and thinking it’s ok.  I try to be especially careful of what I say about myself when I am in front of my nieces or friend’s kids (or on first dates, for the matter).  It’s VERY important to me that I do all that i can to influence them to value themselves, just the way they are. It is my passion that every girl feel good about and love herself.  I mean that with every fiber in this newly loved body!

So when I walked out of my room in my swimsuit and my nieces said “Oh Auntie Ricia, I love that suit.  You look so so pretty!!!”, and when they were the ones who pushed for me to “put it on your Instagram” …..I figured today was just as good as any to do the swimsuit showoff I have wanted to do for so long.  I want them to see me loving my body and being ok with whomever may see it.

img_9758-1

I had been waiting for the perfect situation (makeup, hair, tan, someone to help me snap the pics, perfect weather, not bloated….miracle major weight loss, bla bla and so on)…when all I really needed were a couple of 8 year olds saying “put your hand on your hip and smile bigger”.  I wanted to even hire someone with mad photoshop skills to do a little smoke and mirrors.  But, that would defeat the purpose of the lesson, right?  Hold please, I need to pause and take another deep breath.  I cannot believe I’m doing this.

 

 ANYWAY……the process was pretty hilarious and has made for an awesome memory for them.  We got caught in a storm while we were at the pool, doing the initial shoot.  We powered through and then made a mad dash back to my apartment, completely drenched (see “after pic directly below)! Even though most of those pics were ruined and we had to call reinforcements in for help, the littles learned a lot about dancing in the rain and finding the good in not ideal situations.  They went from being a bit scared of the storm, to getting back upstairs and saying “THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN, AUNTIE RICIA”!!!  Mission accomplished!!!

img_9763

I think it’s funny how this whole life thing is working out. I’m aware of the bad decisions that got me in this physical state and I long to be healthier. I had no idea how hard the mental road to reverse lifestyle and upbringing would be. I get SO FRUSTRATED that now my body just can’t cooperate that easily to just get healthier.  I am angry at an illness that provides hurdles and still struggle with the looks I get from people when I try to explain (you know that look of “if you would just lose some weight you would……be this or that).  But even in this state. I’m also the happiest I have ever been. I love how kind life is back to you , when you try to work alongside it versus fighting it or going your own road.

img_9967

The scale may not show it, but in many ways I have shed weight. The weight of toxic people (and more of that is in the works). The weight of trying to please others. The weight of saying yes all the time. The weight of worrying myself sick about what others might think or how they spin their side of a story (it’s really none of my business what people think or say of me). That alone has probably shed thousands of pounds 😛.  I am consciously trying to be kinder and speak love and encouragement to others.  I am declaring that I absolutely refuse, from this moment forward, to make one woman feel better, by tearing another down (i.e. Oh his new girlfriend is way uglier than you).

This week, my nieces showed me that they genuinely think I am beautiful. So I guess I should let myself believe it too. As a matter of fact, I have no intentions of hanging out with anyone who doesn’t see me the way they do, anymore! I hope when they are older, they come across this rambling and know what a cool day this turned out to be!

I’m promising myself that I will believe in this post.  I will not worry or let my mind wonder to a place where there are screenshots and memes made and conversations behind my back!  I will try my best not to worry about a few that I know would never say anything to my face, but will definitely not agree that I should be this comfortable being this fat, much less putting it all on the internet.  I’m not going to give in to worrying about how much better I would look if I actually had knees 🙂 (for the record, I never really have, even at my smallest).

I hope that if you’ve read this far and browsed the included pics, that you see joy and that you feel inspired to be just a little nicer to yourself when you sport your next swimsuit.  And lastly, I hope that if you came across this and use it to shame, belittle, or talk about “did you see what Alicia had the nerve to post of herself….that girl is too big to be wearing a two piece”…..that you have a few days of explosive diarrhea! :p

I will be forever thankful for three little girls who made me feel like the prettiest girl in the world (and a few friends who go out of their way to make me feel that way often!)!

The end (for now).

P.s.

I wore the two piece the rest of the day, while we played and enjoyed some sunshine. It felt so fire!! Look at this look! It screams comfortable and relaxed!!!

img_9947-2

Swimsuit Info/Links:

Red two piece

Black/White Wrap

Black w/ aztec-ish trim

Gingham top

Black and White Strapless and RWB Paisley: Walmart (two years ago, no longer available) – but here is a link to their great swimsuit options from this season 

Fat Girl Ponytail to the Rescue!

 Ever have those days where you have to get loud with yourself like a coach in a locker room to get going for the day?  That was me yesterday!  I was struggling from the time I opened my eyes and had to turn off the great dream I was having where I was a talk show host with great hair.  Not a talk show host that sits in those high chairs though (I HATE high chairs). Waking up from that to the realization that I have to do not talk show host things was quite devastating.

No worries.  I rallied.  If i have said it once, I have said it at least three times, when you don’t know what to do in regards to your wardrobe, a scarf and ponytail will save you.  A ponytail you say?  For a girl with a round face such as yours?  Yep.  That’s exactly what I am saying.  Much like the pep talk to get out of bed, I usually need one to put the hair up and let other’s see it.  But today, today was different.  I liked it from the word go.  Could this mean that I am getting closer to falling madly in love with me? Let’s hope so.
IMG_2251
Out the door we go with a great scarf (don’t you just love the hint of sparkle in it?), a great ponytail and my favorite Valere Renee bag.  The fact that I had a baggy shirt on that I didn’t need a generic spanx for was a bonus (generic spanx as in I don’t buy the name brand because…well for reasons that would get us into a whole other blog.  I buy from Dress Barn and ladies if you haven’t checked them out, YOU NEED TO).  I’m tired and angry and just want the end of the day to come as quickly as possible.  Or so I thought.  Wait, what is this feeling?  I’m not tired and angry.  I’m ok. I actually feel pretty good.  Humph…well this is odd.
IMG_2240
See, we get so used to dreading a work day or other things or we get so used to letting the “blah” of the alarm going off trick us into being crabby the whole day.  And guess what?  We don’t really have to.  I KNOW!  It feels weird to me too!
I hesitate to even type this, but dare I say, I even feel sexy today.  Maybe it’s the nude wedges (nude shoes are just too sexy to me).  Maybe it’s that my shirt keeps falling off my shoulder (see pic below for an 80’s flashback).  Maybe it’s that my coworkers (who are all guys) willingly told me I looked pretty today.  It could be the dangly earrings.
IMG_2253
NO WAIT….I know exactly what it is (although all of the above definitely contributed).  FOR THE FIRST TIME ever in my life, I looked at the pics I was trying to capture for the purpose of showing you all and I was happy with me.  I REALLY liked what I saw.  All of it.  I literally had the thought of “oh wow, for lazy dressing you look really great today.  You totally pulled this off.  And that inner peace business is really working out”.  I cannot remember the last time I was that nice to me.  I wasn’t that nice to me after seeing some amazing pro shots taken of me in my outfit shoot this weekend.  Yet, here I sit “ok” with an iPhone shot of me in a ponytail.  MAN THIS FEELS GOOD!
Then, as if the heavens were sending me a flashing neon sign message, I come across one of my favorite Instagram chicks who wrote this.  Soul Sister confirmation is what we will call this.  Love this chick!
Screen Shot 2015-09-15 at 1.31.07 PM

Fat ass. Lard whale. Mr Kool Aid. Beached Shamu. Your clothes are too tight. You should eat less. You are why America isn’t great any more. You’re lazy. You smell. You take up too much space. You’re a disgrace. You’re ugly. You can’t sit here. Rhino. Piggy. Elephant. Fucking loser. Forever alone. Air waster. Chair breaker. Ground shaker. Chubbasaurus Rex. These are just some of the words people have used to to describe me. I can wear them, and allow them to choke my spirit, or I can take them off and reject them for the garbage they are. I can’t change another person’s intent. These words were meant to hurt. However, intention isn’t affection. Only I get to choose on whether their words matter. In the end, I hold all the power. It’s easy to forget when we hear shocking and upsetting words, but don’t let that initial stun make you forget. You get to choose what hurts. You are in control. You don’t have to wear those words. After all, they don’t belong to you. #bodypositivity #inspiration #selflove

A photo posted by Glitter (@glitterandlazers) on Sep 15, 2015 at 10:23am PDT

Tuesday, you were good mister.  You were very very good!
Outfit:
Old Navy top
Nude wedges from walmart.com
THE BEST bag from one of my fav local shops Valere Renee
Scarf – well it’s so old that I don’t even remember where it came from! 🙂

 

//platform.instagram.com/en_US/embeds.js

Dungeons and Douchebags: is it because you’re fat?

Sometimes I lose my passion. Ok, not lose it necessarily, but it seems to get buried in the mundane routine of life. Then, someone comes along and ignites it. Sometimes they ignite it in unpleasant ways.

As I was leaving a meeting today, I received a notification that I had a new message on my dating app. I will admit that a giddiness comes over me when I see these notifications. The excitement isn’t even about “could this be the one” sending the message. It is more like “oh, this oughta be good. Can’t wait to see how this turns out. I need new material”. You see, online dating has merely become a source of examples as to why I am ok being single.

ANYWAY! I digress. So Da_GreatWhyte_Hype messages me today. His picture is a gorilla so my hope in seeing his name and pic in my inbox is that this guys is hilarious and that we will hit it off from a humor perspective. As usual, I was expecting too much.

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/2ce/44927921/files/2014/12/img_6202.png

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/2ce/44927921/files/2014/12/img_6203.png

My headline on my dating profile says “Allergic to shirtless and gym selfies”. His message said “Are you allergic because you are fat”.

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/2ce/44927921/files/2014/12/img_6214.png

Within seconds I felt a heat inside of me. Not a hot flash heat. A boiling in my stomach that spread like wildfire. I immediately started calling on Jesus to calm my nerves and save this boy from my response. But then I just assumed Jesus probably had bigger fish to fry and I would handle this guy for him. 🙂 THEN I realized how this guy doesn’t deserve my correspondence. Ok, I only realized this part after replying with “Wow, you definitely don’t disappoint in being a prick” (since he referenced himself as such in his profile). And finally, I realize that this is opportunity to address the masses just in case there is one person out there who is interested in understanding a few things (which is also simply me venting to the masses in an effort of exercising writing therapy and refraining from getting into further argument with this douchelord).

In his defense…he is a self-proclaimed prick

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/2ce/44927921/files/2014/12/img_6204.png

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/2ce/44927921/files/2014/12/img_6205.png

I have written before about how interesting I find it that when people have no other argument or defense with some, they automatically turn it into something completely stupid. For example when people say “oh are you all pissy because you need to take your hormone pill?”. Nope, I’m pissy because you’re a jerk. Let me explain to you (you tiny little jerk hiding behind a pic of gorilla) why I don’t care for shirtless or gym selfies.

1. Shirtless selfies: I am SO SICK of seeing guys without their shirts. I know. It feels just as weird for me to type it as it does for you to read it (especially coming from me in general – lover of men). But here is the deal dudes. If a girl reveals too much in the way she dresses, we are not leaving anything to mystery. We hear how there is nothing left to the imagination if we show off too much. It’s also pointed out that if we will share our skin with the world in the form of revealing dress and such, that what is so special about what we have for one person. If you, as a guy (or girl for that matter) are willing to put a shirtless pic of yourself online for any stranger to come across, what are you saving for me should we enter a relationship. What makes me special at this point? Every girl online has seen your chest. You’re essentially a used piece of tape to me at this point and I have no desire to use you to hold anything together 🙂 (pardon the cheesy analogy)

2. Gym Selfies: Great! You take care of yourself! You work hard for that rocking body that you have also shown off in your little to no clothes shot. You can clearly out lift, out run, and out last me athletically based on your pic of you sweating it out in a gym alone. I guess I don’t see what you flexing in a mirror selfie at the gym is supposed to show me about you other than you love your muscles. I am sure people could argue this with me all day long and it scares me at the responses that could come flooding in defending those types of pics. But for me personally, I am just most likely going to perceive you as someone a little more stuck on themselves than I prefer. I would much rather see a pic that shows your personality and charming smile.

3. Do you know what kind of courage it takes to put yourself out there on an online dating site? There are countless people looking and probably judging you. It’s fine. And it’s even more fine if someone skips over me. Think what you want about me……to yourself. We do not know each other. We are not homies. You can look at my profile and think “nope. Big girl. Not for me”. That won’t bother me a bit. But approaching me like you did. That is just beyond rude and shows what a man of little character you are.

I am actually thankful this jerk messaged me today. Because the old Alicia would’ve called friends crying about it being true. I would’ve cried that this is why I’m alone. I would’ve cried that I’m ugly. Instead, I chose to pause. I paused then looked at myself in the mirror and made myself say something nice. I do need to lose weight. That is not a lie. That is a truth I see every time I step out of the shower. It is not however my definition. It is not the reason I do or do not And I think I had forgotten that in not liking myself a lot these days.

I am not proclaiming allergies to those types of pics because I am fat sir. I am proclaiming them out of tiredness in seeing them. I am proclaiming it in an effort to ward off messages from those that I already know probably won’t be a match. And after your message today, I clearly need to update those parameters

P.S. he added his pic. But i still think the gorilla is a better choice

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/2ce/44927921/files/2014/12/img_6210.png

/home/wpcom/public_html/wp-content/blogs.dir/2ce/44927921/files/2014/12/img_6209.png

30 pounds ago

As much as I love doing videos, the beloved airport system has caused too many delays today and in looking at my schedule for the week ahead, I doubt I will have time to pee much less rattle senselessly on video for you. 🙂 So I will share a short list with you tonight as I finally board my plane and need to pass the time.

Sometimes, even though the scale shows that I have lost weight (and if the scale says it, it’s true) I still struggle to see it. My insecurities pop up and try to get a permanent residence in the hotel that is my head. Thankfully, it’s stay isn’t as long as it used to be, but it still pops in to let me know it’s lingering from time to time.

Sometimes, I pass by the mirror and can’t tell that I’ve lost one single pound. Sometimes, I pass by the mirror and say horribly ugly things to myself. Sometimes, I try on clothes in the fitting room and leave crying because there is just too much of parts of me and I want them to go away right this second.

And then, sometimes I notice the opposite. Talk about nice little surprises. So, in noticing these things I decided to make a list. Now I will have something to reference when the wretched doubt tries to creep in and tell me that I haven’t really changed that much.

Some days it doesn’t seem like 30 pounds is that much when I feel like I have so much more to go. Some days I feel like I gained all 30 back just from “cheating” that one meal. But I cheat myself by not acknowledging all the ways I’ve changed.

I happily share with you my “30 pounds ago” list. 🙂

30 pounds ago……
– I could not fit comfortably in an airport seat. I mean I fit per se. But, I had to put the strap as loose as possible and my hips embarrassingly hung just a bit over the side of the rest. I always put the arm rest up hoping whomever landed next to me would leave it up for our flight (which never ended up happening). I always tried to situate myself sideways so it didn’t sem so obvious that I had muffin top of the airplane seat. Tonight, when i got in my seat, I automatically started my routine. The nice man assigned next to me sits down, puts the arm rest down and I brace myself for the awkwardness. Only this time, it didn’t happen. I have room!!! Plenty of room. We are both cozied nicely together in hip harmony within our allotted space. AWESOME!!!

– I could not cross my legs. I honestly cannot remember the last time I sat with one leg crossed over another. On the off chance that it did happen, it usually resulted in one leg becoming painfully numb for the whole three seconds I was able to cross at all. I’ve noticed it for a couple of weeks now but thought it was just a figment of my imagination, but I have been crossing my legs. Like, comfortably crossing one leg over the other in sitting. l vividly remember a guy I knew who’s mother would make comments about girls he dated not being able to cross their legs cause they were too fat (she was a real gem you might say). How great it is to be able to do something that I didn’t even realize I had gotten too big to do.

-I couldn’t run half a block without contemplating calling an ambulance much less walk up stairs and not lose all my breath. Now, I’m consistently jogging on purpose and starting to like it.

– I could not wear a size large dress from Old Navy. I recently
bought one in that size and it’s my new favorite piece of clothing 😉

– Could not go one day without my blood pressure medicine or it would leave me swollen and with a headache the size of Texas. Now I’m on 1/2 of that dose daily and almost ready to go less than that!

30 pounds ago I could not stand to look at myself in the mirror. Not because I thought I was too big or too ugly. But simply because I knew I could do better. I knew I wasn’t being good to my body. I knew I was cheating myself. Thirty pounds ago, I wouldn’t let myself believe I had worth or could accomplish anything athletic or that I would be good enough for the world.

Thirty pounds gone, thirty times more in love with who I am and what I am becoming! 🙂