Broken baby maker……

Sometimes I have so much running through my head that I get overwhelmed with where to even start to blog it all 🙂  So I just don’t.  And before I know it, a few months has passed since my last post.  THEN, I come across someone else’s blog that makes me wonder if they have been secretly camping out in my head and recording my thoughts for me.

That was the case when I came across this jewel of a blog (see link below to read for yourself).  🙂  It’s a great read.  Not only for anyone who might struggle with this issue but also for those who watch others struggle and aren’t sure how to look at the situation.  She says exactly what I think about it 🙂

I literally just had this convo with a coworker earlier yesterday about my struggles when I hear the mistreatment of a child and would give anything to have one……but….I literally hope and pray daily that I will never have to stand before God and ask him “why not me”….because my hope is that I see the purpose in not being able to have children and fulfill that purpose that was intended for me thus completely voiding the need for him to explain himself to me 
So, I get up daily, seeking that purpose….and loving on any kid that comes my way. Maybe that’s all I’m supposed to do. Maybe I am supposed to love on so many that having one of my own would’ve distracted me from that  Isaiah 55:12

Thank you Natasha for sharing your spirit with us!!!  Click here to read!

P.S.  Look at all these ca-uuuuuutttteee kids I already get to love on any time I want!!! 🙂  Who wouldn’t be happy with that??

kid collage

Farm la la la………

I have started a tradition with my nieces that every year around the holidays, I schedule a photo session complete with silliness, cute outfits, and memories that I hope they talk about long after I am gone.  Its my Christmas gift to my family and I am not sure if they truly appreciate it as much as I cherish it, but to me, pictures are worth more than a thousand words on any given day!  This year was the best ones we have had so far and I am already spending way too much time contemplating next year’s session and how on earth I could possibly top 2013.

That’s the feel good stuff.  The sap.  Then there is my insertion into the pics.  Not that I need to defend my presence in the pictures, because I don’t owe anybody that.  I do however want to share how it came to be for me and give you something to think about for your own self 🙂

After escaping a horribly abusive relationship in the summer of 2012, I wasn’t sure that I would ever recover.  Not only did it shake me to my core, and a place where I didn’t even recognize myself…….but it also destroyed what little self esteem I had worked so hard to find and live with.  I couldn’t stand to look at myself for a myriad of reasons that I will spare you of here.  What I do know is that once I started finally coming out of the dark so to speak, I honestly saw physical transformation as well as emotional transformation.  I was becoming someone I didn’t know, but thankfully someone better.

When you have been through something like that (or for me anyway) and you finally start to see light and peace, you want to do WHATEVER you can to hold on to it.  To document it, to capture it so that you never lose it again!  So, I did a photo session of me.  Often, things like that are thought of as vain.  But, when you evolve enough in life, you evolve to a place where a stigma such as that matters very little to you.  Actually, it doesn’t matter at all.  Because nobody knows you or what you went through and as I have said from the beginning, if you don’t love yourself, you are no good to anyone else.

Every year since (ok, so it’s only been 1 year), there seems to be something happening in my life that has caused major change.  And every single time, without fail, I see transformation.  Even when I think there isn’t room for it.  The simple recognizing of that in itself is amazing.  So, I decided to keep documenting.

I hop into the niece’s session because I want them to see that I was present.  Our family has a unique closeness, but at the same time, we aren’t too good at loving each other completely out loud.  I want them to see that differently and to change with me.  I also throw in a few shots of myself to remind me of my own journey and where I was at that time.

My point in justifying my fabulous new pics that truly captured me 🙂 is to tell you that it’s ok.  It’s ok to be present.  It’s ok to take a gazillion pictures and to document your life.  After all, some day when you’re gone it’s all that people will have of you.   It is not ok, however, to get the pictures back and destroy yourself in critiquing them.  Don’t do it.  I know you’re going to, I did too.  Then I made myself stop and remember why I do it, where I was, and where I am.  And that picture is worth more than a thousand words 🙂

Love yourself.  Document yourself.  Tell your own story so that you know it’s told right!

photo 1 photo 2

Building Your Revolution Army

Hello There World!  Hope you’re having as great of a Sunday as I am!  Check out the latest video below to see what’s going on in revolution land 🙂

Quote of the day:  Our actions are evident of what we care about 😉

Songs I’m loving these days:

Ho Hey – the Lumineers

Try – Pink

Movie Buzz:  Silver Linings Playbook is a MUST MUST MUST see.  As in, stop what you’re doing and figure out a time when you can go see it!!!!

Much love for a great week ahead!

Staring at Myself

Let me start by saying that through this journey (that i am so glad you’re joining me on)….there is one thing that will ALWAYS be the case. I will be me and I will be honest. Plain and simple. I am putting the good and the struggle out there as transparent as I can. For you. For you to relate to, for you to think about and for you to decide that you will start a revolution for you!

I realize sometimes that is going to be uncomfortable for all of us. But, it’s who I am and what I want for this project.

With that said, it’s time to be transparent. :-) i will spare you the saga, but there has been a person in my life that doesn’t deserve one more single second or ounce of me. This person has been nothing but a presence of manipulation, evil, and harm since June of 2012. I have decided to write about them as little as possible because they don’t even deserve that kind of attention. But…from time to time, as much as i HATE to admit it and even though its been a while since I have physically been around them , I still struggle with the damage that they did to my life. And just when I am finally trucking along getting better, they pop back up. Convincing people on the surface that they are changed (people I trusted and thought would never pick them over me)…..all while being the dark/evil person to me. Still trying to have control.

Although I am working through that and know that someday it will be a powerful story to share in my healing….I still have a broken heart that is being mended back together and have to accept that takes time. I am tough. I am loved. I will not go backwards. I deserve better. We all do.

Well, this week I am fed up. This person gets no more attention and my mind and body get no more abuse from them (mentally or otherwise).

With all that said, here is my transparency for today. Surely I am not alone :-) and would LOVE to connect with those put there who know what I am talking about. Can we do that?

Today has been a struggle with myself after someone referred to me as a “effing sorry fat butt” (censored)… happened two days ago and is still in my head :-( the nightmares have cost me much too much sleep and that makes me beyond cranky.
So how am i combating? Forcing myself to look at this picture (it isn’t my fav) and find something i like about myself…
I like my eyes. I like my glasses. I am genuine and nobody gets to take that from me.
You have to fight with all you have to rebuke the meanies :-) this person doesn’t get power over me. Period. Fearfully & wonderfully made.