Dungeons and Douchebags Series….Meet Jacob

Sigh…..I was just bragging about how I hadn’t met anyone who fit this category enough to blog about them and then Jacob happened.  Normally I wouldn’t be too bothered by a guy not working out that I met online.  But this guy…….this guy has me all kinds of worked up and not in a good way.
Meet Jacob.  I was going to disguise his name and such but am just too mad to give him any protection.  He doesn’t deserve it at this point.
Jacob is a 35 year old online dater.  His profile pic on the dating website was nice enough to know that he was extremely good looking (in my opinion) but still not too clear.  Jacob messaged me, which was nice since I am usually the aggressor and contact most guys first.  Then the following happened.  You can draw your own conclusion about Jacob, I am just going to list the facts.  Also, during this list, there will be a few points where you probably will think to yourself “well, that’s obvious, you should’ve stopped talking to him then”.  I agree with you.  But when I know they are being snakes, it does something within me that makes me want to dig further and gather info to later call them out.  I also realize that probably is some serious issue deep within that I should seek therapy for (I mean I can’t be some douchebag busting super hero I guess).  ANYWAY, “it is what it is” today for the story telling purposes of this blog. 🙂
  1.  Jacob messages me on the site and says “you are super sexy”.  I reply how nice that was to hear.  We continue to message back and forth and later exchange numbers.  I am always leary of super hot guys on these sites.  For one, I am not a “hot guy” attractor.  I’m just not.  I usually do better with the nerds and I am more than ok with that.  It’s not secret that I am not a super model in the least, so when an unusually attractive man reaches out, I am always suspicious.  (again, an issue I’ll save for my therapist)     photo 3
  2. We start texting.  Jacob is a little bit more flirty than I am comfortable with so soon but I also realize that I have been quite the prude lately and figure it won’t hurt to try to be more open to compliments and flirting.  Plus, he sent me a pic of himself through text and I’m not gonna lie….I was a sucker.  He is a beautiful human.
  3. Because I am a typical girl (and do not even try to act like this is crazy – just because I am about to admit to it doesn’t make me crazy – honey every girl does her own research whether she admits it or not) I do a little Facebook research.  I type in Jacob’s number in the search bar of Facebook and BAM, there he is.  Jacob G.  I pull up his Facebook profile to see that his profile picture was updated on 5/24.  It’s a sweet pic of him and his little girl sitting on a 4-wheeler……….and on his hand is a wedding ring.  Nice.  Then, if you scroll further, you see another profile pic was posted on 5/23 of him with a beautiful woman (much prettier than I am for sure!).  Sweet.  IF, I am going to be open minded and give him the benefit of the doubt, that was three weeks ago so maybe he is NEWLY single.
  4. I text Jacob and say “so, do you have Facebook”.  He replies “no”.  Oh, interesting because I just found you on there.  He explains it as his ex has his login info and must be posting it for him.  He says he has it all cleared up now and do I see his profile anymore.  Nope, sure don’t.  Glad you got that fixed buddy.   photo 4photo-7
    photo 2
  5. We talk on the phone briefly after work and he has to let me go to change his daughter’s diaper. He says he will call me back shortly.  I text him and ask if we can talk later since I am cooking dinner and such.  He says “yeah, text first though”…..hmmm, why’s that?   photo 1-1
  6.  We continue to text some and I try to call him later to which he explains he can’t talk because his daughter fell asleep on his chest.  Oh.  Ok.  photo 3-1
  7. This morning bright and early he is texting me being all charming and such.  But I just don’t trust him.  So when I’m having coffee with a coworker and telling her about this situation, she pulls up her Facebook app on her phone and searches for him.  Well, would you looky here…….there is hot Jacob’s profile.  Sooooo, you basically just used my trick of putting in my phone number, finding my Facebook profile and blocking me.  Genius.  Except that I’m not dumb.  I choose to “address” everything in reply to his “sad face” text when he asks if I am daydreaming about him and I say “no” 🙂 .  I then send him this book of a text to which I have received no reply (and probably never will).  I’m not even sure why I was even the least bit nice, but I felt like I was compared to what I was thinking.  🙂  photo-8

I am beyond mad.  Not for myself.  I have thick skin.  Be a douchebag to me, that’s fine, I’ll just blog about it.  But how many women is he hitting on and flirting with that he is also clearly not being honest with?  It’s just not necessary.  Online dating is hard enough as it is without morons like yourself doing stupid and shady stuff such as this.  And that girl in his profile pic…she is adorable.  Does she even have a clue that he is on a dating site?  Sure, women are crazy.  But guys like you provoke it.

You Jacob, deserve a swift kick in the balls.  I’m not sure if he has ever won any awards, but today, he takes the “Douchelord of the Day” award hands down.

Oldie but Goodie: It’s hard NOT to be happy…

Ok, maybe this is a bit of cheating in completing my “write/post every day for 30 days” declaration…..but, never hurts to read back over things, see how far you’ve come, or how much wiser you were than you realized, etc.  Plus, this was on the old blog and as I was reading through some of the oldies, it made me smile (and laugh, because I forgot all about hitting on the Russian).  



Quote of the Day: And no one will listen to us until we listen to ourselves – Marianne Williamson

Song of the day:  Holy Captivated by Nicole Mullens   (click the song title to listen on youtube – as a matter of fact, click it now and let it play in the background while you read :)!!!)

Normally I try not to “preach” and I certainly have enough work to do on me to keep me busy for a while versus judging others.  BUT……..I LOVE a good Jesus song and this one was it today.  Just so relaxing.  Make no mistake, I’m in no way, shape or form ashamed of God or my faith.  Just because I choose not to feed it to you by shoving a spoon of it down your throat every waking minute of every waking day, doesn’t mean I don’t have a purpose and doesn’t mean that I don’t live for HIM.  I would gladly share my story and testimony with anybody who would listen!

–          I’m happy.  As cheesy and quite uneventful as it is to type that…..it is the truth.  And it’s not even that hard to be happy.  I have no idea if it’s age, or what…..but this is THE BEST time of my life.  Period.  And 90% of it is because I’ve made my mind up to be.  So, unfortunately for you, the rest of this blog is just about happy….and a little bit of funny

–          Girlfriends:  How have I lived my life so long not putting more investment into this type of friendship.  I’ve never been good at girl friendships.  I just haven’t.  I’m too blunt, I’m like a guy in a lot of ways and just always had a lot of guy friends.  I don’t like to shop so that counts me out in about 4 million ways.  Also, I felt like I had to be absolute friends with every single person I came into contact with.  Do you have any idea how exhausting that can be?  But at this very moment, the girls I consider my “core” are the most amazing group of women on the planet.  I’m horrible at remembering events, staying in contact often and being sensitive to a lot of their lives…..but it’s a work in progress and one that I’m more than committed to.  Girlfriend time is VITAL to my existence.

  • For instance, today via email and a nice walk, I seriously had the best afternoon I’ve had in a while.  And all of it was shared with a dear girlfriend.  It’s random (and a little weird quite honestly) to experience “love” in this way.  But that’s exactly what it is.  This unexplainable love that I have.  I won’t dwell on sadness or regret, but I do hate to think about all the time I wasted trying to “be somebody” to somebody else or a group of girls instead of “being me” to somebody.

–          In my recent reflection of happiness, I sometimes get overwhelmed.  Mostly I get overwhelmed at the people who genuinely like me.  I can honestly count on one hand how many people before now in my life that I felt confident in saying genuinely liked me.  To even type that makes me a little sick at my stomach.  And maybe more genuinely liked me, I just didn’t believe it.  But to experience it now…….man, it can change a heart like no other.  But…..because I finally love me, and am finally happy with me, I can finally see why people would like me (which is really a blog within itself).  I wish I could bottle it up and sell it to save a lot of young girls a lot of worry and heartbreak.  Love yourself now.  Right this very second decide to value yourself and love yourself more than anything else!

–          Declaration:  Man, did I used to feel like I had to “declare” everything.  If I didn’t declare whatever movement I was in at the time, then it wasn’t real, it wasn’t significant and nobody would notice.  I honestly thought this for way too long. Now, I get sooooo excited to just be quiet and “do” versus “declare”.  Although I have more than enough work cut out for me in “doing” and being an example, I am so much further along than I was.   Standing on the rooftop shouting “Look at me do this” isn’t really “doing” anything but straining your voice……and frankly, I’m too big and out of shape to climb the staircase to the roof to shout in the first place.  I’ll just stay on level ground.  Looking in the mirror and seeing someone different, or hearing some of the responses I give out loud now versus then is enough for me J

–          As I compile my “ever so often” About Alicia or Alicia Clarifications blog, I come across things that make me wonder…..I can’t be the only one who feels this way or has dealt with this.  So….that is why I share the cheese.  Just like with the new facebook that everyone hates……if you don’t like it, you don’t have to look at it!  I just wanted to ramble a little about happy tonight.  Because being happy is way better than any other alternative.  I know you’re all on pins and needles for that blog huh?

OK, NOW ON TO THE RANDOMNESS that you all expect!!!

–          Sometimes there is such a revival of music (all kinds) in my car……that I’m singing so hard, so loud and so into my performance…….that I’m driving with my eyes closed.  I never really noticed it til today.  And spare me words of wisdom…..I know it’s not safe.  But, as I try to monitor it and tone it down a little, I still think everyone should have the same kind of revival at least once.  Turn the music up as loud as you can stand, and belt it out…….dance moves and all!!!

–          The time has come.  I dreaded it for a while.  I’ve heard thousands of stories and encounters.  I’ve been blinded in thinking “that won’t happen to me”.  But it has.  I cannot sleep a full night without waking up to pee.  The first night it happened, I brushed it off.  The second night I just thought “well this is silly”.  Now, on night number 8, I’m just bothered.  Will I ever sleep all night again?  Will my better ever understand that getting up at 3am to pee does not mean it’s time to wake up for the day?  Will I ever be able to walk to the bathroom without running into something?  Where has my bladder gone?  We had good times!

–          Technology:  I’ve tried to figure out how to insert this with a positive tone.  And if I don’t type it now, the issue will be expired by the next blog post.  So let’s try this.  We all love technology!  Isn’t it awesome!?  Look how far we have come with it!  And because we are a wonderfully demanding people, there is constant pressure to produce more and better and faster technology.  So……we might as well coin a synonym for technology to be “change”.  Because essentially anymore, you can’t have technology without change.  And that’s what makes the new facebook so exciting!  Although I would love a website of my own that is as successful as the FREE site of Facebook, I will continue to use it because it’s already there, it’s totally free, and I’m just too busy with other amazing projects to put them out of business right now J  Another positive, beautiful thing is that in most things these days, if you don’t like something, you can change it, or stop using it.  So………maybe instead of being so angry, we could choose a different approach.  It’s going to change…..a lot.  If it didn’t, it would become crazy stagnant.  And there is absolutely nothing wrong with you not liking it or even hating it.  There’s nothing wrong with you posting it.  People in this time have a thought and post it….that’s just how it works and I’m the biggest participator.  But what if you just wrote a nice concern to facebook the company?  Or what if we spent a few minutes just checking out the new gig and see what’s different?  That’s as nice as I can say “look people, things change, if you don’t like it, don’t use it…….”  And I mean that in the nicest, sincerest, most loving way possible!!!!!

–          As a side note, I realize I have complained on fb several times, especially in regards to Sonic switching to soft mints.  But I’ve also expressed those concerns in a “complaint” process to the company (and Starbucks for being out of coffee for that matter)

–          Russia:  So…….I saved the best for last.  I think I need an intervention.  If I’m to the point where I crush on a 6’4” Russian (I only throw that out there to show the language barrier we clearly had), driving a lime green VW Bug who fixes iphones for a living in parking lots…….then I may need to go on some dates more than I thought.  True story.  Dude fixes phones.  I heard about him, contacted him, set up a meeting.  He shows up, explains the process, leaves.  Brings my phone back in amazing shape, offers a warranty, and is wearing an affliction shirt for Pete’s sake…….and all I think about when he walks off is “strangely I’m attracted to him”.  He has no ring on.  I propose this scenario of me asking him out to two friends at lunch today who are in complete agreement…..with way more enthusiasm than I expected (mostly because they wanted to follow me around on the date and document it).  So……..after lunch, I text him.  The following is a transcript of that convo (comments in red are my added commentary, those were not actually texted):

Me:  Hi there!  Just wanted to share that everyone thinks the phone looks great.  You did an awesome job!  (Really???? I typed that to him.  Smooth.  I’m really smooth!!)

Him:  Hi!  Thank you, that feedback is much appreciated

Me:  Anytime!

Him:  Thank you, nice to hear about that

Me:  Definitely (do you want to poke your eyes out yet, this is torture)

Me:  I feel kind of silly asking, but are you single by chance?

Him:  Just got married, 4th of July

Me:  Awesome!  A girl in my office would’ve just loved you!  I was going to play matchmaker, congrats on the wedding!

What we have here folks is epic failure, maybe a little bit of boredom (I’ve scaled back on my life, work and home, that’s it for a year), and sheer silliness.


The end.