It’s Here: The Great Dating Hiatus

Things that have prompted the great dating hiatus (effective immediately):

It’s a jungle out there kids. And I’m fresh out of safari outfits. I’m gonna need y’all to straighten way the heck up by the time I decide to jump back in :p

I joke about dating a lot. And you def have to have thick skin for it these days. But the truth is, unless you’re walking it, you just don’t get how “special” it is…..no worries though, I have captured some of the more recent events, just to give you a taste 🙂

(No lectures and inspirational “you’ll find it when you least expect it”, please. I’m fine. This is mostly funny. Settle down). I realize some of you will wonder how you will fill your time, if I don’t have a crazy dating story.  No worries, there are plenty of old ones that still need to be told!

  • Exhibit A: One of the best 1st dates I have had….with him asking me on a second date and actually physically calling several times…..only to ghost me and “match” with my friends (ghosted count currently sitting at about 3,289). This one actually stings a bit (as much as I hate to admit it….I actually really liked him and feel really weird that I misread him so badly)……..
    • And to further update from when I first started typing this draft, not only did he hit on a friend (he doesn’t know we are connected), but he also asked her for a full body pic.  And when she sent him THE CUTEST pic of her (she really is super adorable, y’all)……he says…and I quote….”I think I’ll pass. Good luck, doll face”.  He later text me letting me know that he had a lunch time rendezvous with someone who reminded him of me because she was “thick and yummy” and he couldn’t wait to put me on the list……um no. My response “yeah, call me in 20 years when your daughter is crying to you about being someone’s sloppy seconds”
    • Update again: Ran into him at the pumpkin patch….he acted like he didn’t know me……..I didn’t show out.  Progress 🙂
  • Exhibit B: A guy friend asking for dating advice and “how to word his profile to ask for full body shots, so he doesn’t end up on a date with a fatty”…without sounding shallow, after he felt like he was deceived on a date by her “creative photography”.  I couldn’t believe what I was reading and that he would say that to me, of all people, a big girl who is in the dating realm.  But he did. Pics attached for reference.  It should also be noted that he is more than willing to ignore warnings about a certifiable crazy…because, ya know…she’s hot. I wish this was fake. But it’s not. And I still haven’t decided how to respond to the last text, because it certainly isn’t a joke.img_4405img_4406img_4407
    • Update:  Never responded to that text.  I don’t have it in me for that battle or to even try to rehab someone who isn’t changeable. Again.  Progress 🙂 And, guess what boys? Big girls don’t care if you don’t like them.  We REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t.  You like what you like and we don’t like a$$hats.  It’s fine.  Just move along.  But you do not get to be a jerk about it.  You being scared to date a big girl says WAY MORE about you than it does her…….trust me.
  • Exhibit C: A previous date situation (and admittedly a huge weakness for me), who came back around and wanted to be friends bc “ricia, you’re awesome and I know I’m not good at dating”….and offered to help with some things around the house. Except on the day he was supposed to show up, he faked a rib injury. How do I know he faked it? Bc he asked one of my friends that he swiped on, out for a beer….and didn’t know she was my friend.
    • Update: He is still a jerk (ok, I don’t know that for sure, but I assume and I’m still too pissed to believe otherwise) and we haven’t talked in months.  Progress.
  • Exhibit D: A guy that I had an “eh” first date with (he peed 7 times on our date and didn’t know who Patti Lebelle was…..don’t act like I’m not supposed to wonder about that), convinced me (Ok, he and the internet voting I let y’all do convinced me) to go on a second date.  He asks if we can reschedule the date to another day because he has a game to go to (He is a coach).  Sure.  I’m flexible.  No biggie.  And then I show up for drinks with friends at our local hangout and he is at the same place……..on a date……….Guess that explains why he had so many questions about all the locations I would be at for the evening.  His date also cried in the bathroom, so there’s that.
  • Exhibit E: Started talking to a guy, did some “internet research” on him….turns out he openly likes Nickelback – can’t even make a first date happen for this one 😛 (i kid, i kid)
  • Exhibit F: Channing Tatum not being available
  • Exhibit G: Guys who post naked pics of themselves as their profile pic.  If that’s what this has come to, just hand me the cats and the old shoe now.  I can’t.  Go ahead, if you don’t know about this, ask a single friend how many unsolicited pics they get on the regular.  Key word: unsolicited
    • This could also be grouped with guys who aren’t actually single.  They are a dime a dozen and it’s tragic how numb you become to it and how it’s not even a surprise anymore.  It’s also tragic at how easy it is to figure it out and they try to pass it off anyway (ask me about the married preacher story)
  • Exhibit H: Guys who linger in the background of your Facebook and only pop up when they see opportunity or are on the prowl for whatever mood their in……..only to never actually follow through on anything.
  • Exhibit I: I’m not equipped to handle the dating scene where everyone is talking to multiple people.  We, as humans were not built to know this many people and have this many options.  We just weren’t.  And being a girl who compares myself to the 72 single girls added to a guy’s FB friend’s list daily, is NOT who I want to be.  I can’t become her, because she is a destructive human and I have worked too hard to avoid being that.
  • Exhibit J: My trust issues run deep.  There has never been a secret in that.  I struggle with it daily and actively work on it daily.  The worst is when you are raw about that with someone and feel like you are dealing with it as best as you can, in a safe space…..only for it to be turned on you to take blame off of them, so they can avoid taking ownership of their own actions (or lack thereof).  But with all that on me….I will NEVER allow myself to be ashamed or think I’m unworthy.
  • Exhibit K: Poor decisions on my part in general, made out of fear and loneliness, that only left me empty and back at square one.  Those have to stop.  And the only way to address them is to get to the core, without distraction.  I’m so far from perfect that perfect isn’t even in the same hemisphere as me.  But mistakes don’t make me unworthy or “unfixable”.  If you’re reading this, you have to believe that too!

Lots of progress was made in the dating arena this year (despite the above).  Walls were let down that I didn’t know would ever come down…..and I’m actively fighting to leave them down, instead of building them taller.  I won’t ever hate that 🙂

There is still hope.  I have more than ever to offer the right relationship….and I can’t wait to find it! But for now, my heart needs a little break.  And that’s ok! I’m excited to do a little more work on myself and blaze a new trail 🙂

How long will the hiatus last? Who knows!  Until I feel like my heart is ready and someone convinces me that they are worth my effort, I suppose.  Or maybe if it’s an actual organic connection (through mutual friends, etc) and comes about more naturally than Panther5000 with his airbrushed pics and mullet, from the internet  😛

What can you do if you have a single friend who is struggling in dating:

Nothing.  Just be present.  Please don’t try to tell us what you think from the chair of your marriage or relationship.  Dating is hard.  Single streets are hard.  Things that you think couldn’t possibly happen, actually happen regularly.  So, just pour them a shot…..try to help them from doing completely crazy crap 🙂 and love them through it.

Answering My Critics

Let’s talk about why you don’t like me! 🙂  Well, maybe not you in particularly, but we will address those in general who deem themselves as “Alicia Fancy Pants Critics”.  Although this could easily go from a short blog to a long book defending all of the things I am criticized for, we will keep it to the subject of dating today (which will probably still turn out longer than I intended).  For all you grammar critics out there, please note that this was not proofed before posting.  I am simply jotting thoughts down and wanted to get them out there before my 2014 blog absence started mirroring the 2013 absences.  Plus, the self-appointed proofer I have is MIA tonight so hopefully he won’t cringe too badly when reading this! 🙂
So i date. I date a lot.  I’m not sure what the average single person racks up in dating numbers but I would venture to say that I am above the average if not blowing them out of the water.  I have lost count at the dating advice I have been given or the eye rolls I have received from friends and family.  Everyone knows how Alicia should date, or so they think.  Although most of the conversations my friends or family try to have with me about dating come out of love and only wanting the best for me, there are more times than not that judgement comes from the method of dating I use as well as the amount of dates I have been on.
I would also report that the minute I publicly claim to be dating someone “steady” via Facebook, people rejoice and hold their breath wondering how long it will last.  There are some who think that your existence is only validated if you are in a relationship.  Unfortunately I see this mostly from my hometown crowd.  It was hard to deal with that mentality being forced on you growing up and even harder to see it being embedded into the minds of young girls growing up there today.  There are those who think that because I am single, I must be unhappy.  I must look at every couple and envy them all while crying myself to sleep hoping that prince charming is right around the corner for me. It’s also assumed that I hate Valentine’s day because I am single.  (Which is not the case.  We can discuss that later though)
Let me set the record straight.  I am happy.  Happier than I have ever been in my entire life actually.  And because of that, I am able to look at this whole dating thing a little differently than people would expect me to.  Because of FINALLY being happy with myself and who I am, I am able to have the following outlook in answer to critics of a serial dater 🙂
So I have a lot of dates.  With most of them being “one date wonders”.
  •     At least I am not sitting at home depressed about being single
  •     At least I am putting myself out there despite how many times I have had relationships fail miserably.
  •     At least I am willing to meet all types of people versus narrowing the field to a checklist of things
  •     At least I don’t get down and out when one doesn’t work (ok, some may cause temporary “down and outness” that results in talking it over and analyzing with friends.  Those times are getting fewer and fewer though)

I keep my great big heart open.  More times than not it has been handled very poorly by the other person.  And more times than not it has felt hurt from love/dating versus happiness.  But every single time that has happened, I have learned from it.  I continue to grow.  Plus, I keep REALLY GREAT heart glue around!

So I online date.  I online date so much that I expect some of the sites to contact me any day now to become a consultant.
  •     My circle of friends doesn’t have too many single men
  •     I can’t stay up late enough for the bar scene anymore – nor do I care to meet anyone there.  Even if I could stay up, I certainly couldn’t dress the part.  The thought of wearing heels and a spanx for hours at a smoky bar makes me cringe.
  •     Because I am busy with work, friends, family, etc, online dating is a way to easily check out people in my area while sitting in my jammies and no makeup.  There are more than one out there that I am thankful I talked to online versus meeting them for the first time in person.  If I would have curled my hair, put on my best outfit, and sprayed perfume to meet some of these people blindly, I would’ve been super disappointed that all that work was wasted.  Trust me.
 I exercise caution and try to be as smart as possible in online dating.  A friend always knows who I am out with including his phone number.  I have learned the hard way how to detect red flags and have exited many situations because of them.
So I fall fast.  When I do meet someone, if I like them and feel a strong enough connection, I tend to jump in with both feet (and hands, head, heart, all of it).  
  •     At least I am not letting past jerks ruin me to being open for love should it come along.  (That doesn’t mean past damage isn’t there to deal with by any means.  It just means that I keep moving)
  •     At least I know my heart is HUGE and capable of feeling pitter patters 🙂
  •     At least I trust myself enough to fall knowing that it may not work and that’s ok
 I am working on this area more than any other in my dating life right now.  Goodness knows it needs it.  But I will never apologize for the loving spirit I have even if it does seem to live on fast forward.
Look.  In all areas of our lives we are encouraged to pursue only the best.  We are challenged to be ambitious in our careers.  We are told to go after what we want in areas of work, dreams, goals, etc.  Yet, in the area of love, we are just supposed to sit and wait for Prince Charming to come.  Well, I’m not buying it.  If you sit at home eating grapes, wearing flannel jammies, and a face mask thinking Mr. Right is just going to show up at your door and say “hi, I’m here, I’m the one for you”….you’re just crazy.  Not happening.  I refuse to sit at home, church, the grocery store, or anywhere else thinking that love will magically appear and find me.  Is there a chance that at those places love will cross my path?  Maybe.  (by the way, I’m not sure there is anywhere in the bible that Jesus specifically says “wait on your soul mate at home – I have one for you.  That, however is a whole other topic we won’t get into).  But I certainly won’t know if it crosses my path if I’m not out there searching.
I will guard my heart but I will not close it.  I will take time to heal when necessary so that I don’t lose trust or become too hurt to let the right person in.
As long as I am being true to myself.  As long as I am being wiser rather than blinder.  As long as I don’t become a bitter, unkind soul………I will date.  And I will enjoy it.  I will look back on it someday with many stories to share about the journey that I went on leading me to “the one” and how great it was to find him after all I had been through!

The end 🙂

Dungeons and Douchebags – Online Dating Chronicles – About Me

Now that we have covered online dating profile pictures……hop over to Aliciavenue to check out the “about me” section dissection 🙂

Click HERE to read the latest and to check out my very own online dating profile!