Late Night Laptop Talk

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I’m just now shutting my laptop for the night and going to bed. A bed that has “half on” sheets because I have just been too tired to care if they are on right or at all.

I have no Christmas decorations up AT ALL (for the first time in my entire life). And at this point, I doubt any of it will get done.

I haven’t planned my funny single Christmas card (you know you have all been dying for an update on that one)

I’m quite possibly at an all time high for being a terrible friend.  I know I’ve missed texts and let too many go unanswered. I can’t remember to return calls.  I certainly don’t call my mother as often as I should. I fail to check in with people and make time to visit with those I haven’t seen in a while.

If it weren’t for Facebook, I wouldn’t know when even my closest friends were celebrating birthdays.  I haven’t kept a hang out commitment in ages (sorry Rob and Jessica).

I have stepped away from people simply out of the lessening of tolerance levels and the realization that you don’t have to accept other’s mistreatment of you, out of obligation.  And I’m not even a little bit sorry for doing it.

I’m not kind to my body.  I’m actually being the most unkind it’s probably ever experienced from me. And it’s not even rebelling anymore as much as it’s just sad and tired and defeated.

When someone says “you are always so put together”, I cringe and look over my shoulder, worried that they will find out how “un put together” I really am…..or that there will be a number of my enemies in line to point it out for them (or that they saw me barely be able to find clothes to wear this morning).

This has been the weirdest and one of the most challenging seasons of my life.  I have been stubborn in not taking real rest.  I have laid in bed in the mornings wondering how in the heck I got anything done the day before, and how on earth I’m going to get anything done today. I have wished for some magical fairy to see where I struggle and just show up and help without me having to admit that I need it! (i.e. putting up my Christmas decorations lol)

BUT……….Also….

I’m the toughest I’ve been in a while.  These last six months have brought battles I never thought I would be in (cancer blows).  Yet my mind has not even remotely let me dwell in a place of negativity or fear.  I’m a worrier by nature and haven’t been able to even do that.

My career has stretched me more than I thought it could or would. And every time I try to have a minute of “I don’t want to do this.” Or “I can’t do this” or whatever, I’m immediately shown that I am equipped for this season and am growing in ways that can only mean that I’m about to launch into something really great.  And my years of hard work and trying to overcome are finally paying off.

Even though my friends may be fewer, the ones that are in this season with me are patient and showing me staying power that I didn’t even know I needed.  And, I’m being exposed to new friends that I can’t wait to grow (already love you, Chelsea).

I’m sticking up for myself and I’m taking less crap.  And man, does that feel good!

I’m making the most out of the free time I have and being wise in how I choose to spend it. I don’t get a lot of free time these days (see exhibit A – late night laptop pic :p ), and I know that load isn’t going to lighten any time soon. So, I try to be very intentional about how I spend my free time.  And it’s making me realize that some things are just ok undone (Like not putting up a Christmas tree – ok, that one is still breaking my heart, but you get what I’m saying).

I’m more focused.  Which is weird to say since so much of life for me right now is so out of sorts (I.e. that pile of unfolded laundry).  For the first time, I’m seeing that there is a longer term play and end game and not sacrificing that for the temporary (haven’t quite applied this to my self care and body yet lol).  So, the late nights, although tiring, are still serving a longer term purpose that I know will pay off.

I appreciate the “off” things.  Like those picture frames that are off center.  Every time my door closes, they get knocked that way.  It used to drive me crazy. And I still straighten them from time to time, but not as much as I used to.  Because them being crooked means I have been living life outside of this apt 🙂

Literally every time my mind has even acted like it was going to take a right down “bad thought lane”, something happens to immediately shut it off.  Sometimes it’s a pause (which is new territory for me).  Sometimes it’s someone who crosses my path in that moment with a word of encouragement or just enthusiasm in general. Sometimes it’s my dog crawling up next to me, when normally he’s at my feet. It’s a host of things like that, that seem to show up and say “nope, back to focus, you’re growing and the other side is magical”.

I’ve done a lot of late night, cheesy rattling to simply try to say that it’s ok to give yourself permission to be in a weird place. It’s ok to ramble and post it on a blog and risk people not understanding (especially if writing makes you this happy and serves it’s therapeutic purpose).

It’s ok to be in that weird place and feel uncomfortable (I still can’t wrap my mind around how we got to December so fast and how little I accomplished).  Sometimes it takes these kinds of places to prompt us into serious action (as in I will NEVER go through another holiday season this “naked” and non-celebratory).

It’s ok to say all the same cheesy things that a million Instagram quote/memes say and have people roll their eyes about it (because there is probably one person who wishes they could say the same things out loud – and connecting with that one person through you being out loud and transparent is more than worth the other 6,000 eye rolls and skip overs)

Just don’t go so far that you can’t come back.  🙂

Ripped Jeans

I didn’t realize just how many random thoughts I document per day (mostly on Facebook and Twitter) until I declared a Facebook absence for June. Just as an experiment, I have jotted down my thoughts in my phone notebook over the last couple of days. When I had the urge to post, I opened the notebook instead.

I cannot be the only person on planet Earth who has such randomness right? So, for lack of a better blog post (because I am simply beyond exhausted working the Walmart Shareholders/Associate Expo this week), I share with you pointless and random “faux” posts.

1. Nothing is more devastating in the matter of clothing than when your all time favorite pair of jeans gets a hole (in the inner thigh). Wait, what is more devastating is when your mom patches said jeans only for you to climb on top of a table to work on a tent and rip them beyond repair. RIP favorite jeans ever. I know throwing you in the Walmart trash can wasn’t the most respectable way to go and for that I’m sorry. Do you know how hard it is to find “that” pair of jeans that fits so right and brings you so much joy that you don’t even think twice about your mom putting an off colored patch on them when they need repair?

2. Arkansas may not get rain any other time of the year but you can always be guaranteed that during the week of Walmart Shareholders, while you are trying to set up a booth, at a fairground, that it will come a small monsoon (or also during the Yell County Fair). You can then get excited about the humidity that follows in your 10 hour outdoor workdays. Some people have muffin top….I have cankle top (where I am so swollen my ankles hang over my socks).

3. When taking your BRAND NEW CAR that has been hit to the collision center, do not make eye contact with the sweet lady receptionist. You will be trapped forever. Surely it is because she works with all men who seem to only talk about cars but either way, unless you have nothing but time, do not engage. ESPECIALLY if she starts the conversation about sewing which you know absolutely nothing about.

4. Should you agree to sign up for a 30 day ab challenge that gradually increases in intensity daily, it might be a good idea to consult your abs prior to starting the program. Trust me when I tell you that if you don’t they will rebel against you and make even the slightest task (like getting out of bed) make you feel like Satan himself is living inside of you. It is also probably wise not to dive feet first into a program such as this when you are spending 10+ hours on your feet at an event, in the heat, with cankle top. 😉

5. If I ever pose the question “why am I still single” to you. Politely remind me it is probably because no man can handle the retainer, eye cream, hair mask, granny gown, and chillow that I bring out nightly. Too much sexy can be hard on a man. I get it.

Here’s hoping for the week to pass quickly, for a miracle product to be invented for cankle top and bitchy fat girls in the heat, and for the man of my dreams to show up at this event and find the mixture of sweat and my perfume irresistible. 😉

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When bad things happen to good people…in the bathroom

I promised myself I would blog for the next 30 days and not miss a day (it’s part of my journey and whether I am good at it or not, it’s very therapeutic). Well, I am tired and decided it was faster to tell you my story versus typing it out. Unfortunately for you, that includes videoing myself (which is hard when I use my hands to talk), no makeup, and a messy background. But, you gotta start somewhere right? 🙂

So, welcome to the first official “Story time with Fancy Pants” ….it’s only gonna get better from here folks!! 🙂

P.S.  I apologize for getting carried away and letting the word a$$ slip out…..boo for potty mouth!

Let’s get this revolution started!!!!!

HI!!!  WELCOME!!  WHO WANTS TO START A REVOLUTION?????  So glad you’ve joined me!!!  Pardon the homemade, one man show video 🙂  but I couldn’t stand the wait any longer to get this started!!!  So much more to come!!!  Let’s do this!!!