Dungeons and Douchebags: The Wackelors of The Bachelorette

Well, COMPLETELY against my will, and apparently for the single purpose of getting my blog juices going again, I watched The Bachelorette premiere tonight.  I didn’t necessarily mean to.  But, some of my family, inclusive of twenty-somethings are here for the night and convinced me to put it on.  My 22 year old was just as annoyed as me and I can honestly say that I don’t know if I have been more proud of her! :p  In theory, I would continue to watch the season and keep writing.  In reality, I’ll consider it a success if I finish the premiere.  

First, I need to apologize to anyone who thought I was smarter than this.  I know you’re disappointed in my choices.  But, I have to appeal to all the people.  I am lover of all (except those few that did me dirty :p jk jk – kinda).  So, as much as I love my investigative shows and documentaries, I have to venture out to see what the rest of the world is up to! 😛

Anyway – let’s get started.  I only came in a few before Lucas entered and already can’t remember half of their names.  So, tonight’s commentary is a bit scattered and will focus on the things that stuck out the most to me.  

Let’s begin with the dummy (no, not the human guys – although there are already a few dummies fo sho).  That stupid puppet has more game than my last 5 dates.  I wish I were lying.  

The Bachelorette herself:

I can guarantee you she has already eliminated more than half of these dudes, in her mind, within the first 10 minutes.  She is not impressed by some of you fools.  She seems smart, but all brain cells can be altered with 31 yay-whos in a room trying to get your attention.  

I like to think I could get along with her, because she cannot hide how she feels, on her face – and anyone who knows me, knows I can’t either.  I’m hoping this is our common bond that helps me survive this episode.

When she says “I feel like the luckiest girl in the world”, I couldn’t help but think – OF COURSE YOU DO!  You have 31 dudes at your disposal and nobody is calling you a slut for talking to all of them at once!  You also are getting to juggle 31 somewhat normal-isn dudes who will be on their best behavior.  You’re not in Tinder anymore Dorothy.  Congratulations. 

Now to the boys: again, I came in late and I am overwhelmed, so some of them just get nicknames.

In general, guys do not sit around and talk like this and analyze, do they??  I mean, I know most of it is for the show

Kenny, the wrestler –  I don’t hate you.  Don’t let me down.

Lucas – it should be obvious all the things I have to say about him.  But, for the sake of warning the rest of Americans who haven’t had the pleasure yet, I’ll throw it out there.  DO NOT talk about your testicles through a megaphone on national television.  And stop shaking your face.  Nobody even understands your existence yet, except for the fact that every season has to have the one crazy.  HOWEVER, I do owe Lucas a Thank You!  I almost forgot that I hadn’t blogged about my last dating story that is one of the top three of all time!  You’ll have to stay tuned for that to understand how Lucas reminded me of it. 

Attorneys – I get it.  You put them on there because she is one, and the ones you chose are handsome. One is proud of himself (Josiah) and one can’t get his eyes or head at a normal level. But, I think we can all agree that attorneys are a direct spawn of the snake in the Garden of Eden. (sorry to all attorneys out there and please answer my call if I ever need you)

Vacuum dude – I like your approach.  Any woman who says a man with a vacuum isn’t hot, is lying.  But, you’re trying too hard running that dang thing while she is trying to talk.  My hope is that you have more to offer than this. 

Tickle Monster (as in he legit lists this as his job) – I can’t hate you.  At least you are calling it a job versus the 4,236 guys I have come across that say “consultant”, which really means they are unemployed.  But show me one person who isn’t annoying after the first 3 seconds of tickling someone (keep it clean!). 

Male Model – “I would be so devastated if I didn’t get a rose. Yeah, I don’t know what I would do”.  Yes, you’re right.  Your life would be over.  How would you ever walk out of there and find a woman?  I get it.  Must be horrible, with that deep voice and chiseled jaw line. 

Marine – Asian guy – you win, simply because I love marines…..and Asians.  You. Are. Adorable.  You are one of my top 3.

Penguin guy – nope.  Not giving you more than this space.  You are a copy cat, and a terrible one at that.  There is no other costume entrance like shark girl from last season.  Stop tryin.

Aspiring Drummer – every season needs the emotional one.  You win.  Quit cryin, it’s only the first session.

Chiropractor – you had me at “I could get free adjustments for the rest of my life” – but when you went for a kiss on the first night…..and went so hard that she couldn’t breathe AND for so long….I was out on you.  However, if she boots you and you’re just looking for something to do, I’m usually free on any day that ends with Y. 

WAIT – WHAT??? As I’m typing that last line, that’s who she steals to give the first impression rose to?  Ok, girl.  I see what tone you’re going to set here.  S M D H 

Ok, now I’m done.  If I were there, I would be right in the middle of the ego fest inside and wondering what the heck just happened.  PLUS, the way he kisses just makes me uncomfortable.  It gives me the same reflex as hearing the word moist. (acckkkk, I can’t even type that without gagging).  

Ah, there is Cry Baby Magee.  The one that gets kicked off that cries.  You talked to her for probably a total of 3 minutes and got let go, and now you’re crying because you brought lots of outfits you won’t get to wear.  No.  Boy puh-lease.  Welcome to every girl who has ever been stood up.  Imagine all the wasted outfits out there.  YOu ain’t the first.  You won’t be the last.  Pssshhhh.

Here’s what we do.  This show has been around long enough.  It’s time to switch it up.  You bring in a fat girl (ack hmmm).  You bring in all these guys.  As they get out of the limo, they are clearly shocked.  They aren’t used to someone not looking like a model, what kind of trickery is this?  They go into the main house and homegirl hears them talking about her.  She is so distraught that she runs away.  BUT, secretly, she is going away to fat camp.  She gets a naughty body to the point that she is unrecognizable.  They bring the guys back and say “sorry we trick you, we have a different bachelorette now”.  Enter, “new girl”, who is really old girl.  Their mouths start watering.  And in another twist, she automatically cuts the ones who talked about her and lets the actual nice ones that would’ve given her a chance, stay.  

Call me Hollywood, I’m here for you.