As you know from my previous couple of blogs, my precious gran is in the end stages of life. I am trying, with all my might to slow down and be present in the process. I want to cherish the last moments and observe outside of what I normally would.
As fun as it is to post the dating dramatics and shopping in my closet outfits, my writing (which honestly has always been more for my own therapy than if one person read it or not) lately has been to release and process the fact that I am facing my grandmother’s passing.
It’s probably a bit morbid to think that this is what I asked for. No, of course I didn’t ask for my grandmother to go through this that will end in her passing. She is my favorite person I have ever known and I could fill up so much of your time bragging about her. But I did ask for a slow down and a reset. I did ask for more time with my family and to bring some appreciation and perspective back into my life. And that is certainly what is happening. It’s not easy. And I am not saying my train of thought is for you to agree with. But I am saying that even in the saddest of times, there is a lesson. You get to choose whether you grow from the experience and learn a lesson or whether you wallow or even go backwards. I am choosing to learn.
I am fortunate to be able to spend these last moments with her. I feel even more fortunate that even in the little sleep we are getting, that I am getting alone time with her in the later hours after everyone has gone home.
Tonight, her hands are telling the stories.
These hands. My goodness they have been through some stuff.
They have worked themselves to the bone as a farmer.
They have cooked no less than 10,000 of the best meals you have ever had.
They have stroked my hair as a little girl while I laid in her lap during church and listened to my pop teach.
They have been firm on my butt maybe once or twice.
They have wiped tears and been the best comfort when my parents were mean to me 😝
They have prayed while the heart ached over the loss of her forever love.
They have been the kindest hands I have ever known…..
Is when it is in reference to a floppy hat or floppy disk.
I wasn’t aware I even had a love for either until my exchange student demanded that this hat come home with us a while back (isn’t it a fantastic hat…..and I’m completely swooning over the layers of necklaces). The other floppy love isn’t as much about the floppy disk as it is the times when they were popular. Ok, maybe they were never popular. We just didn’t have any other choices. But, the times that the floppy disk lived in, well, they just seemed simpler. I think we all go through spurts of longing for simpler, don’t we? I actually associate floppy disks with my dad. He was a computer teacher at the time and we had what seemed like a gazillion of them laying around. See, I’m already going back to simpler memories. My dad seemed to make everything simple.
Life is busy. We are moving so fast towards whatever, that we lack the ability to be simple. Sometimes that leads to a state of just “blah”……know what I’m sayin? I am a prime example of this in so many ways that I have lost count. When I get to going too fast, if I’m being cheesy, life just gets a bit floppy. The difference in me now is, that I try to be very aware. I try to slow down every once and a while and examine where I am allowing too much floppy and work towards improvement. I quit beating myself up a long time ago for getting to a state of floppy. Forgiving yourself is important. I just try to note it, stop it at the first acknowledgement, and move forward. What do you do?
Here are where floppy isn’t good for me……Can anyone relate?
- Floppy Friends – It’s taken me a really long time to be ok with not feeling obligated to keep friends around that aren’t good for me. Nobody has to be a jerk about it but I simply cannot allow friendships that are a flop to continue.
- Floppy Boys – I have no idea when it happened or what switch was flipped, but it has been really cool to try the approach of actually being direct and intentional about my dating life. Sure, it has cut a lot of guys out of the mix, but that’s more than ok. I cannot allow myself to give parts of my heart away to someone who gives me floppy effort (or no effort at all). I was SO SCARED to take this new approach for myself, but so far, I am pretty pleased with how it’s going.
- Floppy Habits – they gotta stop. They just do. It is more important than ever, with my recent diagnosis, that I make good choices. If it doesn’t work for the good of my health, or the good of my life goals, it absolutely cannot become a habit in my life. I accept this as a constant work in progress for me! I know that if there is one crack in my life, floppy will creep in and take over before I turn around. Obviously, I am not 100% every day, but having a good army to stand guard helps!
I’m thinking I need to track down a few old floppy disks and keep them handy as a reminder that I can’t let anything but my cool hat get too floppy!
Let’s have a great week. Want to?
When is it ok to wear sequins to work?
1. Sequins are better than boys today. It’s the first couple of days in a long time that I haven’t thought about my last heart break. I am moving along from it in way healthier ways than ever before (because, unfortunately, this is the 3rd heart break from the same person). The way I felt when I put this sequined top on (and the one I wore a few days ago) is honestly better than any guy has made me feel in ages.
Look, I’ll be honest. The smallest thing on my body are the holes in my ears for earrings. That is a cold truth.
I’m not advocating that you accept me wearing a thong bikini on the beaches of Brazil. I wouldn’t wish that upon anybody…..
I am, however giving myself permission to stop convincing myself that I can’t wear something because someone said so.
Insert cute polka dot scarf here.
it’s only the beginning. I started with polka dots around my neck and now I feel like every polka dot outfit I come across in the stores is begging me to try it on. I caved and tried on one dress and folks, it took my breath away. Not because it was scary, but because I actually don’t look like I am carrying octuplets with it on. Can we all agree that even though it’s not typical, this maroon and coral combo is legit? Especially these shoes that I forgot I had!
My whole life has been a ridiculous web of lies convincing me that I can’t do something. And it’s all solely based on someone else saying that I shouldn’t. It doesn’t always get said directly to me (I mean, I have never received a direct call from Gucci, but…..) and it doesn’t always get put so bluntly. But it happens. And ultimately, it’s my own fault for letting any part of me believe them for even one second!
Here are some of the ridiculous things I have let myself be convinced of. I am curious to hear some of yours!
- You can’t wear skirts because your legs are too thick.
- You can’t write that book because you don’t have time and you’re really not that good. Nobody will even buy it because you can’t have a best seller without a big publisher.
- You can’t wear that furry vest because it just makes you look like a sheep dog (that’s a good blog “a-comin”).
- You won’t ever save money because you were never taught money management.
- You can’t go sleeveless because some kid might innocently get caught in the crossfire of an arm swing and die.
- You have to keep your hair longer so people don’t concentrate as much on your round face.
- You will only ever have an average love that you will have to just settle for because the real big love isn’t for girls like you.
- You will never get to speak in front of people and do the type of public speaking you want because only skinny girls do that.
- Nobody will listen to your story or learn from your journey. You aren’t liked enough to have people help spread your message.
- You just need to accept that you will always be average.
Doesn’t that just make you mad and sick and a host of other things reading it? Simply ridiculous! So glad that even though those thoughts still creep in from time to time, I stand on an AWESOME promise that I AM ABSOLUTELY meant for great things and I ABSOLUTELY will do them!
And these boots……..they have been screaming from the depths of my closet to come out for the fall. I like to imagine that when I stand in my closet trying to figure out what to wear, they are jumping up and down like Donkey from Shrek saying “pick me, pick me”…..It’s going to be a great fall with these guys!!
Just when I was bummed because I didn’t have anything epic to blog about today….I read this. Good stuff. If I were going to make a list, every single one of these would be on it.
I grew up in a place where women were not valued in the least. You weren’t validated unless you have a man and you certainly should never put yourself first or value yourself….cause that’s just selfish.
If you know me, you know how this great blog made my heart go pitter patter.
I promised myself I would blog for the next 30 days and not miss a day (it’s part of my journey and whether I am good at it or not, it’s very therapeutic). Well, I am tired and decided it was faster to tell you my story versus typing it out. Unfortunately for you, that includes videoing myself (which is hard when I use my hands to talk), no makeup, and a messy background. But, you gotta start somewhere right? 🙂
So, welcome to the first official “Story time with Fancy Pants” ….it’s only gonna get better from here folks!! 🙂
P.S. I apologize for getting carried away and letting the word a$$ slip out…..boo for potty mouth!