The Gym – A Romance Novel

What better way to return to the blogosphere than a gym disaster story!

Tonight’s gym story is a bit of a romance novel (ok maybe a half of a page out of a romance novel – anyway)….. There I was, power walking like I had not a care in the world and like I had the lungs of a skinny 20 year old….when this guy comes over from the weights and gets on the treadmill next to me. He was shorter than I care for but I try to stay pretty open these days and I am liking flats more than heels anyway these days. He had been eyeing me as he walked up. There were several treadmills open so the fact that he chose the one next to me was a pretty good indicator that he was into me. Maybe he witnessed Monday night’s bra incident (where my strap came undone and one of “the girls” went running free) and he was hoping for more action tonight. 

Either way, it was the setting for the perfect love story. Our eyes would meet. He would smile. I would smile. He would say “I like your speed and incline”. I would giggle and blush. He would ask me out and the rest would be history and a story for the grandkids. 
He starts jogging. I start jogging. He says “oh, do you like spotify? I have been thinking of subscribing” (so you’re creepin on my phone. Trying to see what I have goin on. I like it)
Then it went bad. 
“Oh I love it. It’s worth every penny so far.” Now, had I stopped there, we might have had something. But, I did not stop there. Instead of saving the next things in my head for a letter to Spotify and the artists that I was referring to, I unload on treadmill boy. 
“Well, I should clarify. It is great for sure. But Garth Brooks and Taylor Swift aren’t on there. I am not ashamed to like Garth out loud. I just haven’t come to terms with saying that I like Taylor out loud just yet. Don’t get me wrong, the more I learn about her, the more I like her. She is super connected to her fans. As a marketer, I appreciate her engagement. It seems authentic. And that’s the only real way to reach your audience these days. You have to be authentic. I think Garth probably engages too. But mostly old school. I have heard his concerts are great! Have you ever been?”
Yep. All of that with barely a breath in between sentences. Then I take a drink of water to give him a chance to answer. I am also lightly (and by lightly I mean barely) jogging still at this point. 
Then….i start choking. Not a little bit choking. A whole lot. The red face kind of choking. Where tears are rolling down my face and I can’t catch my breath choking. 
In an effort not to lose the potential romance, or to save what microlove might be left, I try to keep going like I am not essentially convulsing. 
Only on the treadmill for approximately five minutes, he leaves. Never to be seen again. I excuse myself to the bathroom and try to figure out how to dig a tunnel out of the building so that I don’t have to face the scene I left so abruptly. No dice. Looks like I will just do the walk of shame. 
I guess I will just go back to my “safe zone” of pining away for an ex that will never want me back. That seems to be my comfort zone these days. Just hang out in “neverland” where at least I don’t have to share my covers or force myself to “be out there” in unguarded heart land. That’s a scary place. 😝
I wish this was exaggerated or made up. The hardest thing to believe in all of it? That I never fell! I can’t wait to go back to the gym. 

It was not an earthquake….Operation Naughty Body is Back!

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I would have never thought that I would ever be sitting here typing (with more excitement than I can convey in print) about LOVING a running clinic.  But I do.  I have tried every gym program, membership, workout dvd, etc and NEVER WANTED to actually go as much as I do this FREE clinic!  I am not going to get too ahead of myself, but I might even do some jogging on the off days!

Anyway!  Here are observations from today’s clinic.  Please note, these are just observations from a random-minded girl and not meant to be used in judgment of others : )

  1. Even though when the whistle blows to run and I pick up my pace feeling every single ounce of fat jiggling (especially in the hip region) could be mistaken for the earth shaking, I assure you it is not.  I will however admit that after that feeling today I have seriously considered putting a spanx in my gym bag for next time.  You know what keeps me going despite that disgusting factor?  That the fat is moving.  Even if it’s up and down and around and around.  It’s still moving.  And that is better than it sitting still on the couch.
  2. When you don’t have a pocket, you entertain other areas for storage during your run.  For instance, today, I decided to stick my chap stick in my bra.  Not just any bra mind you, THE BEST heavy-duty sports bra for the “well endowed” woman.  I tuck my chap stick (which is one of my running necessities) in the side of my bra, which seemed like the perfect solution.  Until I forgot about it after and pulled a very melted tube from my bra when I went to change.  Fail.  Lesson learned.  I am not above a fanny pack at this point.  I cannot wait to lose enough to buy those cute pants with hidden pockets.
  3. Since this was only class #2, I am really trying not to be too hard on myself.  Normally if I fall behind, or slow down, I beat myself up and ultimately just quit.  But, today, even though my new friend Jennie (remember her?) was able to rock out her sessions and get ahead of me, I still kept going.  And, I am totally blaming it on the fact that she is much taller than me and has a longer stride! : )
  4. Today’s route had hills.  I see no reason for any human to ever jog up a hill.  Even if being chased.  As a matter of fact, if a bad man up a hill were chasing me, I would probably just stop, turn around and ask what it is he really wants and give it to him.  That’s how much I don’t want to run up a hill.  Yet, today, I ran up a hill.  Some may call it an incline, but it was a hill.  Trust me.  If it goes from flat ground to any sort of elevation, we are declaring it a hill.  Ok?
  5. Monday is an optional day for people to gather and run if they would like.  I am sad that I am missing tomorrow’s run with the ladies.  In fact, I just re-read that to make sure I meant it.  And I do mean it.  This point in itself speaks volumes for the changes that are happening with me.
  6. I felt great after.  I did not feel the need to call an ambulance.  I did not whine about it.  Surprisingly, I wanted to find as many people as possible to talk to about joining me for the next clinic day!

Basically, I think what is happening here folks, is that I am becoming someone different.  And I think it’s for real this time (after many failed attempts).  Not that I needed to be someone different when I am pretty cool “as is”, but being someone who is SO MUCH better than I was before is turning out to be pretty neat!  In the quest for world conquering, I am going to be way better at it with all the new energy I have!!! Woot!!!  Be nice to yourself!  Be better than you used to be!

OPERATION NAUGHTY BODY IS BACK AND IN FULL FORCE!!! 🙂

Women can run…..without being chased…

“The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.”

― John BinghamNo Need for Speed: A Beginner’s Guide to the Joy of Running

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Tonight was the first of a series of 10 week classes that help women run….on purpose.  It’s a free clinic sponsored by Women Run Arkansas and they host these clinics throughout the state.  Having seen personal testimony of a dear friend who has literally transformed in front of our eyes, and contributing some of that to this great program, I thought I would give it a try.  I mean, I need to move because apparently, according to trainers (and science I suppose), sitting on the couch doesn’t burn calories.  Honestly, I can’t even tell you why I have wanted to become a runner.  Always have.  I look at other runners and want my body so badly to go in that motion for that amount of time.  Yet, time and time again, I fail miserably.  Even though I have completed a legit half marathon, the mental war inside my head leads me to be a super flake.

BUT….NO MORE….since I am doing the detox, cleaning out the toxic people and restoring myself in 2014, I decided that I WILL conquer this running issue.  I had no idea what to expect when I showed up tonight.  It was almost too overwhelming.  At one point I even wanted to go back to my car and grab my phone so that I could document all that I was taking in!

Here are a few observations for what they’re worth : )

  1.  I knew the director and I would get along fantastically when she said “I mean ladies, you HAVE to have a good bra.  You can go to Victoria’s Secret, but the only thing that fits me there is the lotion”……..soul sisters unite!
  2. Just because your car thermometer says its 55 degrees outside, doesn’t mean that it’s completely true.  It also doesn’t mean that when it gets dark, and there is still snow on the ground that it won’t get colder.  Lesson learned.
  3. I show up and much to my surprise there are TONS of women there.  They announced that over 200 registered.  I would guess that about 75 of those showed up tonight.  Immediate intimidation number one.  Yikes!!  I mean there were old ones, young ones, skinny ones, not so skinny ones, top of line running gear ones, and even a granny sporting a gold chain (no lie).  I have never been shy so I assume that it will take me approximately 4.35 seconds to make friends.  Not so.  I stood there by myself, freezing in my short sleeve shirt, with that sad puppy look on my face telepathically telling the other women’s “i want to be your runner friend”.  No dice.  One lady even went to her car to get me an extra jacket that she had.  I was certain that we were about to be “besties for the resties”……..but nope, false alarm.  She was an intermediate runner and left me in the dust.
  4. But, if these ladies who are all shapes and sizes and ages can do it, then by golly so can I!  THANKFULLY as we started our warm up walk, I ended up by two sweet ladies who hung with me for the rest of the class.  I shared with them my detox struggles and then realized……”whoa, what is happening?  Who is this girl?  What are these words coming out of my mouth about health and wellness versus wine and chocolate?”.  I have scheduled a MRI of my brain STAT.
  5. I was so nervous about the whole process that I literally wanted to corner my two new friends and make them pinky swear that they would be my friends, show up for the classes, and never leave me.  I refrained from such proclamation but did find a way to work Facebook into the mix and am anxiously awaiting their friend requests.  ALSO, one of them lives in the town I am moving to shortly and offered to walk/run outside of the clinic.  See!!!!!!! It’s fate right?  I mean, I can’t make a relationship with a man/boyfriend work out to save my life….but Jennie and I will be scrapbooking and wearing BFF necklaces before you know it (do they even make those anymore?)!
  6. I ran and didn’t even realize it was time to stop running.  AND I COULD STILL BREATHE when it was done.  Hold on to your seats folks, but I even talked while jogging.  This is huge.
  7. I should be a spokesperson for the sports bra I have started wearing.  It’s like a spanx for your boobs.  They literally don’t move.  I’m actually afraid that when I go to take it off my boobs might just pop out so fast that I will be injured.  To go from wearing two cheap sports bras in an effort to “keep them contained” to one heavy duty piece of equipment has made this experience completely tolerable.
  8. It seems like when women come together with a common struggle or common cause, that we are all just a tiny bit nicer to each other.  Except the one lady with a gazillion dollars worth of veneers, botox and neck lift in her face.  She was just plain judgey Jane.  I held myself back from tripping her.
  9. Tomorrow I will ache and probably walk like I’m 93 years old.  But the show must go on.  I have a function to attend where the need to put my best “oh you want all this now that you realize how bad you screwed up but it ain’t gonna happen, but I’m gonna look hot just to dig a little bit” foot forward : )
  10. When I survive this clinic and go to the “graduation” 5K event, I will be sporting a cap and gown.  You have no idea what an accomplishment this will be for me!  To run without being chased.  To run a 5K and still be able to breathe.  To soak it up as therapy and an escape from everything else in my life for a few minutes each week.  These are the things that I will cherish in this journey.  You have to start somewhere.  It’s way  past the time that I truly and really focus on a better me.  I have a whole world to conquer and I plan on doing it in a smaller jean size, some red high heels, and a few curls!

Here is survival picture number one of hopefully many to come!  Why I am so comfortable sharing such an awful selfie with the interwebs for anyone to see is beyond my comprehension.  I am hoping that it’s a sign of progress in my “liking me” journey.  Be nice to yourself.  It’s vital. 🙂

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