I wasn’t going to say anything. I knew what was happening and I knew how I was trying to handle it was not going to work. But, I let too much “noise” get in my head and tell me that nobody wants to hear it. Or, that it’s been long enough that I should be over it. Or, the worst one, the voice of my ex boyfriend, immediately following the events, who kept saying “you’re too obsessed about it – you just have to get over it”……….
So, as per usual, I filled myself with temporary distractions. So many distractions actually, that I ran myself in the complete opposite direction, straight into pure exhaustion. In doing that, I seemed to forget one little detail……exhaustion is one of the two biggest enemies of my chronic condition. And thanks to all that madness, here I sit………my body in total rebellion and if I’m being ridiculously raw, my heart sutures, a little busted.
And the only way I know how to feel better, is to write. You see, no matter what you personally think of my words (or of me, for that matter), I don’t write them for you (or maybe this time, I actually do). I write them because out of all the things I don’t like about myself, and out of all ways I question what the heck I am wondering around this planet for, typing words is the only thing I’m sure of. It’s the only thing that boosts me into dealing with whatever I need to (yes, even if it’s a funny dating story). And more than that, it’s the only thing that I KNOW is meant for something bigger than me. I know if it’s taking me to such an uncomfortable place to write/type them, then it’s also meant for someone else to read. Even if it’s just one person. I think it’s even more cool that my job is to write it and release it. It’s not for me to know where it lands from there.
Sorry, I digress. I came here to admit and face today. Not to over explain myself. So, Hi, my name is Alicia and I’m hurting. I’m also angry. I want to be in a different place and I’m not and I know it won’t go away until I tell you about it. Why the universe puts me in these positions to open myself up to so much, I’m not sure….but I’m definitely gonna address it when I get in front of the big guy :p!
Five years ago this last week, at around 4:30 in the morning, I sent an email to my core tribe of friends, telling them that I was in serious danger and needed help. I asked them not to contact me until I could escape and make contact with them. I admitted that I hadn’t been truthful with them about what was going on in my life. I confessed that I was terrified of what would happen to me. For a few seconds, I questioned whether I was being too dramatic in what I was saying. I couldn’t use my phone, and I wasn’t even sure if any of them would check their email. Then, he woke up. And it all started again. Nope, definitely wasn’t dramatic in my email. To this day, I firmly believe that if he hadn’t have passed back out from being so drunk, that he would have followed through on his promise to kill me. And that was the start of a living hell on earth.
My deliverance from abuse was nothing short of carefully orchestrated moments and miracles. Period. It just was. I wish I could tell you more. But I can’t. Even after five years, I am yet to be able to sit down and write it all out or tell the story in any translatable format. For someone like me, that is so foreign. I’m a story teller after all. Yet, it never fails that people come across my path and the story (or the parts that are needed to) come up. I share and exhale. And then I swell with gratefulness. I struggle with why I’m not supposed to share the “cool” parts of the story with the masses. But, I have to trust that it’s to come where it’s supposed to.
Let me bring the point of this a little more together and wrangle it in.
- It still hurts. It hurts differently. But, it still hurts. I’m not sure that it will ever go away. And that’s ok. I’m not where I was. And healing doesn’t always mean it all goes away. Being tough doesn’t shield you from the sneakiness of the triggers. Those little brats show up out of nowhere. I’m more than thankful to be equipped with the right tools and right people to help me through them. There is no shame in the admittance of the triggers, the asking for help or the sitting and simply feeling them.
- I shouldn’t have ignored the triggers this last week. I knew it was coming. This anniversary and a few other dates ALWAYS trigger something. Thankfully, it’s smaller triggers, like simple unsettled feelings and a general uncomfortable feeling. I start sleeping less EVERY SINGLE YEAR during this time (the thief comes in the night, right?). And I try to ignore it. Because, according to others, I should be over it already. And EVERY SINGLE YEAR, I end up here. Completely drained. Mark these words though, it will be the last year that the ignoring happens. Next year, it’s a tropical vacation of poolside sitting and feeling it all. Raw.
- The physical scars and abuse went away. The mental mountain has been way harder to climb. I’m SO PROUD of all the work I have done and the network I have had to get over “him”. You know what lingers the most? The first person I dated after. The one I said “ok” to and opened myself up to. The one who I knew before, the safe one, who pursued me. The one that I gave ALL the trust I had left to. The one I trusted with my completely shattered heart and damaged self. Yeah, that one hurt the most. Because he was the one who couldn’t deal with the Alicia that I was. I know it’s not completely his fault. I wasn’t in a place that I should’ve been dating at all. And I said that multiple times. But he still worked to gain my trust. And I gave it to him. And when I let myself love and be completely me, even the broken parts – he couldn’t handle it. And in what I’m sure he thought was just tough love and brutal honesty, his words and actions (or serious lack there of) completely ruined me. They were the “nail in the coffin”. And what maybe would’ve been another year of work and healing to be past the abuse, has now lingered a very long five years. And that’s all ok. Because no matter what story he tells himself or others, or how happy he is in his own moving on, he served his purpose in my journey.
- I’m still grateful.
LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW…….
- If you are in an abusive situation, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get out. PLEASE ask for help.
- If you are dealing with anything traumatic – feel it. No matter how big or small the situation seems, if it is impacting you – then it’s real. If you feel it, it’s real. And you NEED to feel it. I can remember SO MANY days of checking the clock and thinking “ok, I just made it through an hour.” and I would take a deep breath and try to make it through the next. That is as literal and truthful as can be. Hour by hour. I couldn’t even make it through a day. I had to take it hour by hour. And it wasn’t until I acknowledged and owned that feeling, for that time, that I could even think about how to make it through a day.
3. If you are a friend of someone in that situation or of someone who has escaped….WATCH YOUR WORDS. Watch your judgement. Period. It’s not about you. It’s not up to you to decide how they heal or how long it takes. If you can’t play the role, then don’t. That’s ok, too. But you do not accept the role and get to dictate how the victim deals. You just don’t. I’m sorry. I know it’s seems so easy to help and for them to see how they should just be ok. They are out, they are safe, so they’re good? Nope. Not how it works. And if you can’t step outside of yourself and choose to love unconditionally – then you DO NOT deserve the person in the first place. You just don’t. Because your judgement and impatience is doing more damage than being thrown up against a wall will EVER DO.
4. If you come into a person’s life long after the event, consider yourself a sacred part of their life. You probably won’t understand, why five years later, on a Monday night, they are texting asking for random prayer. You might not understand why they seemed fine a few days ago and then all of the sudden just seem cranky, and puffy, and tired and stupid sensitive. Just hold on for a minute and love them anyway. The hardest thing I have ever had to do is let people like me and know what the past few years have held for me. And at the same time, the easiest thing for me to do is to cut you right on out if you screw with what little trust and heart I have left.
5. Let me make this clear one more time. You DO NOT get to tell someone that how you made them feel isn’t valid. You just don’t. You don’t have to agree with how they feel. You can think whatever you want. But, if you truly love them or are truly their friend, you HAVE to acknowledge that their feeling is just as valid as yours. Read this again: YOU DO NOT GET TO DECIDE HOW SOMEONE FEELS OR HEALS.
I already feel better, even in the midst of busted sutures, that unfortunately have left me more vulnerable than I care for……. and even in the midst of a lot of things piling on (of my own doing, for trying to be tough and hide feelings) and a to do list still a mile long. Writing with all those feelings seeping out of me is the best therapy (accompanied by a great playlist). You can think that is dramatic if you want to. Maybe it is. Maybe I just feel that hard. And maybe I’m done apologizing for that. I will never fully heal if I don’t shut those other voices of doubt and judgement out. To be honest, it’s probably those things that have kept me from healing, way more than the abuse memories have.
And in it’s own twisted way, and with all those rambling words above, it’s actually beautiful how something so awful keeps coming up at all. Because each time it does, as painful as it is, I can’t deny how much I have learned. I mean it when I say that it truly is a beautiful story. It seems like it keeps coming up so that I don’t forget that I have climbed a damn big mountain 🙂 These pics were from my first beach trip, ever in my life, which happened to come not long after my escape (one of those cool parts I reference). Just digging those out again and including them here makes me reflect on how surrounded I was. The things that happened were amazing.
I am stronger. I KNOW that I have shared it with those that needed to hear it for whatever reason. I am wiser. I am more intentional. I am protected from ever going through that again. I found out that as much as my core and heart can be shattered, that it can also be rebuilt (sometimes even better than before).
Released and now I can rest. I look forward to a good night’s sleep. Thanks for reading.
I think I may be the only person who was genuinely excited about the storms today. I finally got to wear my new, glittered rain boots, so rain didn’t bother me at all! I never got to do much in the rain as a kid. If we had rain boots, I don’t really remember them, but I can bet that my mom was not having us messing in mud puddles. I had no idea what I was missing! It was the most fun I have had in the last couple (of very challenging ) weeks! I would love to share some encouragement with you on this rainy day. Because you can make fun of the cheesy revelations all you want, but I have no shame in fighting through this crazy world with rainy day revelations!
Anyway! See my video rambles today while I willingly stood out in the rain (and had a fantastic dance party to HARD LOVE by Needtobreathe). I was actually so in love with my little break that I didn’t even take time to remember to care what I looked like or what angle things were being done at……..and that might be the most freeing thing of it all!
And check out these great rain boots!
I have been a pretty tough and optimistic cookie lately. You know the old “power through, I am tough, it could be worse” method…I have even kept my mouth relatively shut vs confrontation (shocking, I know). But, when I just pulled into my parking lot after a long week already, I discovered my eggs, that I just bought, were broken. I needed them to make a dish for someone who had surgery. I was trying to do good. Yet, here I sit. The eggs did it. They sent me over the edge. I don’t even want to walk up the stairs to my apartment. So here I sit, in my car. Turning my music up, taking a deep breath and writing 5 good things that happened today and 5 things I am thankful for, on a crumpled napkin. Oh, and writing this terribly formatted blog while it’s fresh on my mind.
I refuse to cave into misery from an undesirable day (or couple of weeks for that matter). I just can’t. I am too tired to do that anymore. I am only interested in forward movement, solutions and goodness as end results. I can’t do what I used to in going inside, eating something terrible and zombie-ing out on the couch, pouting about how bad things suck.
I’m not typing to be a guru, inspirational, cheesy or declare that I am on a higher platform than another (because if bad food and wine and tv is what you need after a terrible day, then you do you, boo). I’m not publishing it for the secret stalkers to interpret as “Alicia is so negative” or “oh look, Alicia is falling apart and can’t handle rough times” or “Alicia is being dramatic”.
I’m typing it out loud because I need to read it for myself. And I know that there is someone out there who might need to read it too. And if there are a hundred bad things about me, there is at least one good thing in that I have usually been decent with words. I’m typing it to be transparent in the fact that I have a ton of good days and stories and outfits to share, but I am also human (despite my capes and glitter accessories).
It’s ok to have a bad day. It’s ok to say or type it out loud. It’s ok to cry over cracked eggs. But now that this song I was blaring is over and my car did the auto shut-off (and I am realizing its freezing with no jacket)…..it’s time for me to move along. And you can bet I am. I actually needed this to force me into other action in an effort to do something about current situations.
You can acknowledge the bad out loud and you can even feel it however you need to. You just can’t stay there.
Here’s to cracked eggs and hoping my recipe tastes good with wine as a substitute 😝😝😝😝😝. I already feel better!!!
Yep. I typed it. Out loud. And I will give you all a few minutes to delete me out of fury before we move on to other sentences.
I’ll start by saying that I fully recognize some REALLY crappy things happened on 2016. Good people died. Politics made us rethink what the living heck is actually happening here. Personally, I went through another set of “I really like him” moments, only to be disappointed. I found myself in other situations I never thought I would be in and I watched my gran die.
But, it wasn’t the worst year ever. It wasn’t worse than the year(s) millions of Jews were sent to their demise. It wasn’t the year that we lost 4,000 people from planes crashing into buildings. Once again, not discounting terrible things that did happen this year (so don’t start typing your hate letters just yet).
I’m also not lessening other’s interpretations of “worst”, either. If you feel it, it’s valid. Whether I agree with it or not. All I am saying is that for the majority of us, it wasn’t the worst and here’s why…..
- If you’re reading this, you’re still breathing. And I don’t care how awful life may be for you, if you’re breathing, that means there is a chance for it to get better.
- If number one is applicable, and you really think it was the worst, then you are also in a position to affect change (and I’m pretty proud to say I have lots of friends out there who are forces to be reckoned with in this area). If my dad were here, he would give me about 5 minutes worth of a pity party (or maybe one gripe on social media) and then he would expect me to figure out what I’m going to do next to move from where I’m at. And sadly, I never realized how lucky I am to have had him be that way with me, til he was gone. If you’re passionate about some of the terrible things that went on this year, use that passion to do something (besides post online) to contribute to making that terrible thing a little bit better.
- No matter how terribly you took it that celebrities died or that the election didn’t go your way, there is someone out there who had it way worse than you (insert any Aleppo photo here). So if those two things were really the only awful things that happened to you (and I’m just as guilty as the next of jumping on some of those meme bandwagons – and I believe in the protection of Betty White) – then it still wasn’t the worst. And before you jump on the election tirade, please refer to number two.
- There is always still good. You just have to find it. And you have to want to seek it out more than you want to cave to the ease of jumping on the bad bandwagon. We all know how easy it is for viewpoints to be skewed or for only certain things to be placed in front of us via tv or social media…….so if that’s too much for you, make a conscious effort to seek out the good. I thought about making it even easier for you by placing some links here of “the good stuff” (start with the World Series documentary)….but that would defeat the whole challenge of you making yourself acknowledge good. And a little leg work never hurt any of us. I’ll gladly list my personal “good” from the year though, because I need to do my own reflecting of just how good I have it despite the world telling me that I don’t. How about we all get a little more purposeful in following, finding, happening upon good people and good things. Keep following the bad too, for all I care, but if you’re going to grow at all, challenge yourself to sprinkling in a few good finds and see if over time, that doesn’t chisel away some of that bitter 2016 chip on your shoulder. If you have no desire to do anything but wallow in the misery that you have chosen to associate with, then we have nothing further to discuss, really. 🙂
So. There it is. I said it. Since I’m used to not being the most popular for what I say, it probably won’t be a shock to me if this isn’t received well. But, it had to be said (or typed). I appreciate a sarcastic meme, joke or calling out of things just as much as the next social media junkie. I realize that some post in jest and truly don’t feel like this was the worst year ever. But, there are some of you out there that are truly paralyzed in the belief that this was it, it was the most terrible year ever. And we need you to get unparalyzed quick-like so that we can have more good! 🙂 If you truly have the belief, then I hope that you passionately commit to making sure your corner of 2017 is better than the last year.
I refuse to let 2017 be a year where my feed is filled with anger and hate and all the bad feels. I will gladly support and encourage (and make glittery signs of support) all of those who, even though they don’t agree with me, are using their anger to fuel a fire of making a difference and taking ACTION in any part of their lives. I’ll just be over here working on my own refinement in trying to be a better human, trying to smile more and listen more and trying to make sure that should I die tomorrow, that people know my heart only had love left. That last part alone is going to keep me busy enough that I shouldn’t have time to worry about whether Sally voted for Hillary or Trump and if that decision means I can have coffee with her.
Love and peace!
Oh, and here are my highlights from the year!
- Had the most perfect “faux daughter” in the form of a high school foreign exchange student (til she had to leave me in June)
- NEW YORK CITY for my birthday/spring break!!
- Spain!!!!!!!!!!!!! The most incredible trip of my life! Plus, I survived a near plane crash :p
- DOLLY PARTON concert!!!! And friends who embrace my obsession for her!
- New friends that come with neon signs of “we were meant to cross paths so that you’ll see that you need to cut that other part of your life loose”
- Growth in my career (and getting the best boss ever) – despite saying “orgasmic” in a meeting with the president of our company :p
- Standing up to someone and seeing their true colors in a situation where, even though I might not be right, I didn’t allow their words to send me backwards. I still hope to visit her in her glass house someday, but I’m also pretty proud to see personal growth (this one isn’t as glamorous for you to read as it is for me to look back on – and that’s ok).
- Seeing my mom find true happiness and blossom into the most happy person I have seen in a long time.
- Best World Series ever! (even if you didn’t like either team) This event alone should’ve brought you a little glimmer of hope and made you happy about life, for at least the week that it was happening!
- Countless work travel. Even though it was a lot of time away from home and in hotels (which oddly enough is really the only true gym time I “enjoyed” over the year), It took me out of my comfort zone and afforded me meeting some pretty cool new people, with some pretty neato stories and lives!
- One of my very best friends moving back and settling “back home” – her open home, open arms, open ears and adventures with her cool kiddos have been the best therapy for me this year!
- Learning that cultivating and figuring out who my “core people” are is one of the best exercises I’ve done in a while. I’m truly loved by people and for the first time in my life I really believe that. I shutter at the thought of how many years were spent believing in every fiber of me, that nobody truly loved me. My happy and my smile are sacred and genuine these days! I have some pretty awesome people to thank for that!
America. Here’s the deal. I did NOT want to show you this outfit. As much as I love sharing myself, especially my closet, some aspects are a real struggle to put out there. The good days are good. People seem to align to your way of thinking and the interwebs join in chorus of agreement that the look I chose for the day is “on fleek” (is that still a saying amongst you young ones?). The bad days, well, they’re not my favorite. The days when people think because you are putting yourself out there and you are a blunt person, that they can take liberties in being blunt with you in telling you they don’t like your outfit, or if they were you, they wouldn’t wear this or that.
I took the VERY LONG way around in all that “find yourself”, “love yourself”, “be comfortable in your own skin” mess that we all are supposed to arrive at. I took the long way and choose to tell you about it in hopes that if you’re on your way, you get there a little quicker than I did.
- I just try to be nice to me.
- I try not to apologize for it.
- I own myself and my attitude daily (even if it’s bad or misunderstood and misperceived).
- I wear the things
- I celebrate the wins and steps forward
- I force myself to learn from the steps backwards and not to camp out there very long
Well…..I knew this day would come. I just didn’t know it would be this liberating to address this time around. It’s funny how much energy we give to our critics. It’s also funny to me that I have any at all. I usually truck along each day assuming that most barely notice my social media presence.
I don’t have a viral amount of followers. If you were to track my interactions statistics, you would see that I don’t get a lot of engagement, percentages wise. I’m not even good at rallying any “shares” or gaining a lot of traffic to this blog or to any of my posts. I am always shocked to run into people and have them reference a post when I didn’t even think they knew we were social media “friends”. I have my core social media group that I can always expect interaction from (and I love them dearly). So, by all accounts, one would assume that there wouldn’t be a large pool of “haters” out there, since there barely seems to be any “pay attentioners”
This is where my small town naivety flashes over me like a neon sign. OF COURSE there are critics. OF COURSE there are people who find it easier to pick on someone else instead of admitting their own insecurities. OF COURSE there are people who can’t handle how comfortable and happy someone is within their own self. OF COURSE there are people who truly think they are helping you by the incredibly rude (or what they call honesty) things they are bold enough to say to you (because they assume it won’t bother you, since you are a blunt person).
I have addressed critics before (you can read that here for a refresher). Every time I address things like this out loud, I get asked “Did someone REALLY say that to you?”. The answer is always yes (just because I choose not to air screenshots or names doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen). I try to make it a habit of not giving them too much attention in posts and such. What they say may rattle me for a second, but usually I shake it off. Plus, I don’t think any negativity or counter productiveness towards another human, deserves much attention.
But, it seems as if once a year or so, for my own cleansing and therapy, I need to address them out loud, in bulk. you see, part of my problem is that I just don’t care much anymore (as in the amount of cares I give is so little in every aspect of life, that I really need to get it under control before the only friend I have left is my dog). I personally am bathing in how good it feels to finally be at that point. Even better than that is that I care even less about those who have negative things to say to me. I cannot put emphasis on that enough in words. But if you are ever nearby, take me out for coffee and I will GLADLY make sure it’s communicated clearly in person. What leads me to a point of addressing hate towards me at all these days is when I do address it, I simply feel like I have turned off the noise.
It just builds up. Like little annoying coyotes in a field at night. You know they aren’t that close to you, but you can still hear them. They just howl on and on and when enough of them get together, even though they won’t come close to your house, they can still make enough racket to make you want to yell “OH SHUT UP ALREADY“. And that’s where I’m at.
I’m addressing the latest round of hate mail, not necessarily for myself this time, as much as for the hope that others will gain some confidence to be themselves out loud, just a little bit more boldly DESPITE any critics they are encountering.
- In regards to my closet project: Those aren’t “real” pictures of you. They are filtered or photoshopped.
- Response: Nope. They aren’t. They are taken “on the fly” every time with my iPhone usually and I am usually just praying that nobody zooms in on the poor resolution of them! I tried to do a couple of “work ahead” shoots with my professional camera and I simply just don’t have time. I don’t know how some of these fashionistas on Instagram do it with a full time job. So, what ya see is what ya get. Example: yesterday’s outfit post compared to this chick’s outfit posts, which are always top notch and way fancier than mine (she is local and had 84k followers, a kid and works…I am beyond lazy compared to that). I am flattered that my awesome new line of makeup makes me look like I applied filters though! I am happy to sell you some if you’re interested!
- “Funny how you are always shooting from an above you angle, Alicia”
- Response: …welllll…DUH. That’s social media pic posting 101, folks! Why is it bad for me to try and capture my best angle/look? Who voluntarily says “let me shoot from am angle that captures all my chins”? I’m a big enough girl, that an elevated angle isn’t going to make THAT much of a difference, sweets! But, just for fun, here is a straight on angle versus a pic where the person was a couple of steps above me. Yeahhhhhh, way different. I look like a completely different person. NOT!!
- You can’t post only the good stuff and try to make people think you’re perfect.
- Response: This one is just laughable and shows that either a) you don’t really follow me at all or b) you have me hidden from your feed. Anyone who knows me for more than 3 posts, knows I post it all. Yes, I try to stay on the positive or humorous side, but that’s because I feel like life is just better from that side. I try to exercise silence (yes, it happens!) versus airing negativity. I used to go on all kinds of rants back in my more immature days . Plus, some things are just none of your social media business. I realize that perception is a part of it. Some may read what I post differently than I intended for it to be interpreted. That’s on me to be mindful of. But at the end of the day, I make no apologies for what I put out there and I certainly make no apologies for how you misinterpret. My give a crap meter is busted beyond repair. BUT…to humor you in regards to “real” pictures…..I gladly give you this, today’s outfit. My hair is a mess (thank Jesus for a hair appt Saturday)…I don’t particularly care for this outfit…..and it’s a straight on shot….that ought to satisfy your craving for something to talk about. Oh, AND I have gained back 5 of the 17 pounds I lost. Yep, better pour more coffee and sit back down to keep talkin.
- You post too much.
- Response: I am so sorry that I refuse to change that for you. This one is almost too silly to address. Honey, that’s what the delete button is for. This critic type is one of my faves because it’s almost cute at the way they think they are doing me a favor by telling me this AND not deleting me. “You post too much Alicia, but I am not going to exercise my free will to delete you. Instead, I am just going to tell you that you post too much while secretly reading every post”….lame. PLUS, believe it or not, there are people like me! Hard to believe I know. But there are a tribe of us that run around over posting, over sharing and senselessly rambling. I have provided my favorite example for comparison…my dear friend Aaron Cooper. He can ramble and post with the best of em! :p
- And, as I do every year, let me give you out loud permission to go away. I will probably not even notice and I can assure you it hurts not one feeling to be deleted. I am not for everyone. And that’s ok!
That should wrap us up for another little while!
My point is this….
I am real. I am imperfect. And honestly, I am none of your business. I have fought a battle for YEARS and finally won. You are always invited along my crazy journey because I am an open sharer by nature. But, you will never get close enough with any negativity to keep me down.
Pipe down coyotes….I have a whole big world to conquer!!
To the guy who stood me up today:
Thank you for doing that. No, really. I mean it. It’s been a rough week. I felt better enough to shower and curl my hair a little, line my lips and “smokey my eyes” for you. It was the first time this week that I felt good about my appearance.
I wondered if you would notice my new lipstick. I mean, you wouldn’t know it was new. But maybe you would just notice a brightness to them in general. I used a new perfume. It was the perfect mix of flowery and sweet. Don’t worry, I only sprayed once. I didn’t want to overwhelm you with loud smells. I imagined which topic of convo we would start with and imagined my smile and witty comebacks in the mirror (yes grown women do that). I even played my “hot date” playlist while I was getting ready to get me in a great mood….as I blew my nose and coughed 4 million times. You know what I was most excited about? That my shoes are too big. Crazy, I know. But apparently since I have lost weight and don’t stay as swollen as much, my shoes are too big. Who would have ever thought!!
I take dating disappointment way better than I used to. I was probably more bummed that I put all that effort into getting ready just to have to wash the makeup back off. I was worried about us being a match on a few levels anyway. You could’ve been a little bit more courteous and actually given me a head’s up that you wouldn’t make it. But you definitely aren’t the first to do that to me. For about 4.2 seconds, I actually wondered what I did to make you lose interest before our first date.
Then I got a text from a friend who needed a visit and drinks. I almost changed out of my outfit and threw my hair in a ponytail to go meet her at the pub down the road. That’s when it hit me. I decided not do either of those things. I kept it all on and met her for a bit.
And you know what? I realized that I have fallen way too far into not giving myself any effort unless it is a potential date or advancement of some relationship (business or personal). I worked really hard to get away from that once. I cannot believe I was headed back there again.
Don’t get me wrong. I love my jammies, ponytail and makeup free face a lot. A whole lot. But what I need to love and value more are those dear to me….and myself. And both of those things deserve good makeup, good perfume, great hair and good outfits WAY MORE than some first date does.
So, I walked into that pub like I meant it. I laughed and loved on my friend. She encouraged me without even knowing I needed it. Something that would’ve never happened if I would’ve been out trying to impress you. I think I was trying to fill a void with you after being sick and pouty and lonely this week. A void that I know damn well couldn’t be filled by you.
Thank you for standing me up. Through it, I am reminded being alone doesn’t mean that I can’t be “satisfied” through genuine time with dear friends. I am realizing how truly tired of dating I really am. I am starting to see that my time and heart would be better served with so many other things I have been wanting to do…and could spend time doing if I wasn’t trying to prove to the world that there is someone decent left and someone decent who will fall in love with me. I realize how tired I am of always being the one to initiate and progress the conversation and relationship. It gets awfully quiet when you wait on someone to text you first or finally ask you out and initiate real plans. I am reminded that I can put makeup on and curl my hair on a random weekday, in between nose blowing sessions, just because I want to. I was reminded of a path I promised to never take again and can now look at my map and explore another road.
In light of the Kesha/Taylor Swift current events (and no I don’t want your opinions or arguments)…..I got into heated conversation with someone today (in defense of Taylor). The person was very angry, lashing out about TSwifty and calling her names, etc. But every time I tried to ask “what could she have done differently that would’ve satisfied you in this situation”, they couldn’t provide an answer. They would throw out more anger, a few snarky tweets at me and such, but never could answer. Many seem to be angry at Taylor, first because she was silent in chiming in on Kesha’s situation and secondly, when she responded by donating $250,000.00. She can’t win for losing due to a lot of toddler-like “fit throwers” out there.
- Taylor Swift has no governing authority to make any legal decisions in the Kesha case.
- TAYLOR SWIFT IS NOT OBLIGATED TO DO ANYTHING….nothing. zero. I know, you’re ready to light me on fire for that one, but it’s the truth. She has no obligation to do a dang thing.
- Every time someone spends a tweet, post, blog, whatever hating on Taylor – that is one less chance to voice support or use the energy to move toward a change in a system that is clearly flawed and needs the attention.
- Regardless of what you think should be done for Kesha, the fact is that she isn’t recording……therefore, it is highly likely that her finances are being affected. I’m quite certain that Taylor’s donation will go a lot further for her than your tweets griping about her. Taylor helps (I would hope because she has a good heart, but probably also in response to the negative pressure, sadly) and is still criticized.
Stop tearing others down. Stop speaking from that which you do not know. Be a vessel for positive movement towards change. Otherwise, pipe the heck down and leave others alone!