Every year as a little girl, we would get new Easter dresses. I would start imagining my look long before the shopping trip. I would start daydreaming because I knew I would get something super nice…..I mean, Grandma was funding the occasion, so…. I was excited to get spoiled (never mind that I later figured out it was probably because she wanted to control the narrative of how we presented ourselves as a family and to make sure we didn’t embarrass her at her snotty church). My parents were poor (I never knew how poor til I got older), so I knew I could push a few limits with Grandma and Grandpa’s checkbook 😎
Even though it was on a grandparent’s dime, I still usually had to go with my third or fourth choices. It never failed that first and second choices were always too expensive. I wanted it all. The gloves, the hat, tights, pleats….alll the things. I can still vividly remember the year I got my first choice. It was a light pink peplum jacket top and a pleated gray skirt. Ohhhhhhhhhh I felt fancy in that! I wish you could have seen it! I guess now that I type it out loud, it seems as if I have always had expensive taste (although I have no idea where I would’ve gotten that exposure because we were so poor).
This year’s dress was a direct reflection of every Easter dress search from year’s past. I wanted something unique and new…..and hat’s exactly what I found. It was perfect. Then Easter got “canceled”. And I went into “dress depression” :p
It isn’t just the dress though. My family has always celebrated Easter in a big way. Starting with church, then the big lunch and of course, the Easter egg hunting…..it was all done big. My mom makes sure her and her husband coordinate perfectly and it’s the cutest thing. I visit my Niece’s church and hear my favorite church singer (Love your voice, Abbie!). It really is the sweetest time of year! This quarantine situation has me feeling things so much more intensely and missing my traditional Easter is no different. I can hear the sounds, smell the grass and am clinging to memories of some of the sweetest hymns you would hear. I’m gonna miss all that so much.
BUT, when I really picked things apart today (more than normal), I also realized that more than the above, I think I loved Easter and the new dress tradition because it brought the “new” in so many underlying areas of life. It’s not just a cheesy trend. There is something in the atmosphere that Easter brings (other than the obvious factor of Jesus starting the “new life” trend long before my shopping trips to JC Penney)…….it signals a new season and a chance to start the next phase of the year more freshly than the previous.
We Spring clean. We bring out fresh linens and brighter decor. We get new clothes that say “breath of fresh air”. And some of us sit in complete awe that someone sat with people who betrayed them, faced the ultimate torture and STILL chose to die for us. Some of us need that reminder in the way that only Easter brings. No matter what you believe, we all need “new” at some point. And although quarantine life is not the “new” I had imagined when I bought the perfect Easter dress, it has caused a slow down and given me more new than I would’ve ever gotten from a yard of brightly colored eggs or sneaking deviled eggs out of the kitchen before lunch was ready. I will (and have the past few days) pay attention to the Easter story probably differently than I ever have before.
Just because Easter is different, it certainly doesn’t mean I can’t wear the dress. So, I did. I sported my Easter lunch outfit too. I also delivered Easter baskets to some friends. I made my own deviled eggs and I spent time on my porch listening to my short Easter playlist and just being still (not something I’m great at). And for the first time since this quarantine business started, I feel like I’m accepting the pause and I’m gonna come out on the other side of this a new person (cheesy, but I mean it….I already see it and outside of the uncomfortable struggle, I don’t think I’m gonna hate her).
I hope you’re wearing your new Easter clothes too and sharing them with the internet. I think we could all use some “fresh looks” in our internet scrolls. I hope you know that you were to die for (and that someone did). And I hope that if you’re still reading at this point, that I’m cheering for the new in you too!
Two years ago I wrote a blog post with a plethora of bikini pictures (not trying to be a Kardashian, I was just feeling myself)…and it was one of the scariest things I have ever done.But I don’t regret it.Putting myself out here is still hard because, let’s be real, haters gonna hate!But now I put myself out here knowing that I’ve done the work and I’m still growing and this transparency and vulnerability is a huge part of that.
See that blog here. And here is my favorite excerpt
I still love 2-pieces. And I still show up at lake house gatherings single and the fattest of the bunch. But you can bet your sweet britches I do it boldly.
I loved myself at the time of the past blog, but it was for all the wrong reasons.I was working through so many things (that transparency will come in a later blog).I have learned the hard way that if you want to live different you have to act different.PLEASE READ THAT AGAIN. A loss of people, a lot of uncomfortable alone time, a broken ankle (which brings even more insecurities and a literal dependence of anyone but myself)..but being vulnerable and sitting in my stillness brought me to where I am today.It brought me to a happy place, a comfortable place, a place that still brings me challenges that I face head on instead of running the other way. There is something so great (and underestimated about being happy, even in facing hard stuff).
“We try to dress rehearse tragedy to beat vulnerability to the punch.”
And today I welcome that vulnerability with open arms and an open heart, and that is making ALLLLLL the difference.In the vulnerability I have made the most progress, found the most connections, grown the most.
I have “fessed” up things to friends, that I hid out of fear…..only to find out they love me just as much and in spite of….
How unstoppable would we really be if we embraced allllllll that love????
But……No matter how much I tried, I was still too dependent on myself.I was reaching out to temporary fills in a void with inauthentic friends, poor choices in men, not addressing the health needs my body was craving.The list goes on.
And I was just tired. My heart is/was soooo tired. My mouth was tired of talking. All the things.
And that lead me to these conclusions…that have been repeated daily….and although I am ALWAYS a work in progress, repeating these things DAILY are helping me profess:
·No one is perfect. The very idea that I can obtain this, has stolen more time than I care to admit.
·What other people think is none of my damn business. And there are PLENTY of mean girls out there that make me repeat this DAILY. (And p.s.if they’re reading this, I’m sorry you’re sad in your life and uncomfortable with just how comfortable I am with myself AND my past)
·It’s not my job to fix a man. I will spare you allll the quote pics I have saved to remind me of this. ANDDD while we are on this topic….his issues and inability to see you’re awesome DOESN’T HAVE A DANG THING TO DO WITH YOU (but EVERYTHING to do with what he won’t address about himself)
·Bending too far will eventually break you. Forget the “bent not broken” crap. You CAN break. And you will break, if you depend on humans and the world to validate you. But hear me now….brokenness can be beautiful too. I’m pretty proud of what my own brokenness produced.
·You will learn who makes the glue in your life. And don’t even try to go through life without it! But….pay close attention to those that only offer crappy scotch tape, instead of name brand Gorilla glue.
·Listen to your instincts (usually driven by God), they will always get through to you no matter how much you try to ignore them. Somehow, those suckers seem to get louder when you try to ghost them 😘
·“You do you” is a nice sentiment, but it is NOT the answer. There. I said it.It’s not. You will be sick of yourself. You don’t have the capacity to sustain what this world throws at you. Sanctification is better (and something that this book goes through way better than I just said).
OF COURSE we could all pick ourselves apart. I wish my boobs (and now ankles) were the same size. Shoot. I wish my boobs sat where they were even 5 years ago.
I wish “that guy” thought I was so great that he didn’t need the 5 others he was chasing.
I wish my thighs wanted to live without each other. And I wish that when I accidentally opened the front facing camera, that I didn’t see 87 chins.
But here we are. And I would be doing myself (and my life panel of people 😝) a huge disservice if I didn’t embrace different than “the wishes”.
So, Here is how I survive:
💯 Authentic, real people. People who know me better than I know myself sometimes. People who will speak HARD truth.
⛺️ Retreat. Oh my, how I have been so bad at this in the past. But now I crave it. Crave it so much that I “drove away” from a situationWednesday, to the far away lake house and forced myself to be alone. AND IT WAS GLORIOUS. So glorious that I forced myself to take these picsand face ME. And let me be clear, I AM HAPPY WITH MYSELF!!
✂️ Carry the scissors. Ok. Maybe not literally. But as a person who has chronically put up with too much, for too long…..recognizing and cutting toxic sooner has been huge.
👎🏼 It’s really not about you. And it really doesn’t matter what others think about you. Not even a little bit.
📖 I can’t wait to address more on other blogs (like the “driving away” and my favorite parts of this new book I’m reading)…but….this image says it all. We can’t address what we won’t admit.
🤷🏼♀️So here I stand. Starting the admitting and addressing. I’m chronically flawed. I love hard. I fail hard. But I KNOW that I am forgiven and worthy and by golly I’m a light that is supposed to shine. And I intend to find and embrace every ray of that.
3,650 days…….ten years…….that’s how long it’s been since you were last here. You slipped away when everyone left the room for a bit. Not surprising…you were always quiet and to yourself.
Every year I make my social media “I miss you” anniversary declaration, with the same rotation of pics. I have come to be so torn with these pics. I’m forever grateful to have them. But I’m guilty of sometimes (especially lately) resenting that I don’t have any new ones to post.
I dream about you this time of year, every year. You showed up as usual. I relive the last couple of weeks of your life and every year it’s a different emotion that comes with it.
I try to ignore it, just like I try to ignore the loneliness of being single during the holidays. But, it doesn’t matter what I “try” to do to avoid the reminders, they show up anyway. Thankfully (very thankfully), the good reminders have mostly outweighed the bad. Thankfully, my bitterness at my old job’s leadership, that made me come back to work and miss your final hours, changed to learning to be present for what’s important and set boundaries in my further career. Thankfully, I rarely have flashbacks to your face when we had to have the convo that you weren’t going back home. Thankfully, the image of sitting with mom and the sisters, in that tiny/stale family room, making the decision to “turn everything off”, rarely torments me as much as it used to. Thankfully, when the image of your casket and the funeral pop in my head, I am able to quickly pivot to joy for how many people flooded that gym and what an incredible testament it was, to how loved you were by so many.
People expect you to be fine. Some don’t understand how a simple tv show or tiny memory can completely wreck you. By most standards, 3,650 days should be plenty of time to deal with and process that. Sometimes I fall into the trap of worrying what people think and hesitate to share because I worry their reaction will be the “oh, he died 10 years ago…you shouldn’t be upset anymore” type face.
I try to celebrate you and your memory in happy ways. I eat your favorite cake (with that stupid pat of butter) or a ham sandwich (sorry, not doing the peanut butter and milk thing) on your birthday and death anniversary. I share your shooting survival story with as many that will listen, feeling like I’m somehow keeping your memory truly alive.
But none of that really soothes my heart (for very long anyway). Sure, it looks like I deal with it better. But I’m really just numb. And the numbness can be pierced in a hot second, if I hear your voice in a video, or catch a smell of your old cologne.
So much has changed in ten years. Yet so much hasn’t.
I take a million pictures these days (you would love technology these days). It’s quite possibly one of the top three things about me that gets on my family and friend’s nerves. But, there is no way for me to accurately articulate the physical emphasis my heart has for wanting to capture every single thing…..because I know all to well that one day, those will be all I have to remember and connect with.
I’m still mouthy :), not that you would be the least bit surprised. However, I’m starting to see more and more how sometimes not saying much is a much better option or statement (and saves me more energy and trouble in the long run). The quiet and pause you exercised actually rubbed off on me more than you think….it just took about 30+ years to stick 🙂
I think you would be proud of how hard I have worked and what I have accomplished. But I know you would still think that I don’t call or go home enough.
You would love the littles that have infiltrated our lives. You would’ve been the cool gramps, like your dad was. It’s been so neat to watch mom become a grandma (I don’t even recognize her in that role, letting them get away with EVERYTHING lol) and I’m sad you didn’t get the chance.
You would make jokes about me not being able to have kids, because the world couldn’t handle another me. But I also know that you would side hug me and that would be your way of letting me know that “it’s ok to hurt”. You might even leave me a little note reminding me that there are more ways than one to be a parent and how much you loved me, even though I “wasn’t originally yours”.
I know if people believe in angels and after-life and all that, that they probably also assume you get to do way more important things than be proud when I add numbers in my head quickly and still don’t hardly ever need a calculator……but I refuse to believe that you aren’t proud of that! I even still like to do my taxes by hand, like you taught me (but don’t get too excited, I want my refund just as fast as anyone, so I e-file – SORRY).
I use more of your phrases, more often, than I ever thought I would. People who know me well, know that if they come to me with a problem, I’m probably going to say “What’s the common denominator? You gotta look at yourself first”. Most also know I have inherited your level of toughness. I’m probably most proud of that. There are times that I have to truly practice not saying out loud “Well, until you’ve been shot and handcuffed to a dead man in the trunk of a car and lived to tell about it, nothing in your life is really that bad”. You would definitely think that society as a whole has become way too soft. And I would gladly sit on the front porch griping about it with you!
Your 48Hours episode gives me a great conversation piece. From the ol’ Astro van, to my hick accent, it gives us plenty to make fun of. But I don’t know if hearing your voice on there will ever not pierce my heart and stop me dead in my tracks. I miss that the most, your voice. I am not even ashamed to admit that I play out conversations with you in my head all the time. I imagine what you would say if I called to tell you about work happenings or the latest silly situation I got myself into. I imagine how incredible our relationship now would be, since I finally “get it” and am a real adult. I’m pretty certain we would be best friends. I am more like you than I would’ve ever thought possible.
I blame you (and pop Horn) for me STILL being single :p. You two did such a good job at being the best men and taking care of me, that I guess after my divorce, I didn’t really see the need to add a man to my life. Then you both went away. I definitely try the tough act of “I don’t need a man” (and thankfully after A LOT of crap and work, I really don’t)……..but I would be lying if I said that I didn’t often wish for one to come along that had the characteristics of the great that you two were!
There are so many people in my life that I wish you could meet. And there are some that you would have no issue in telling me that “you should’ve gotten rid of them a long time ago”. People is probably the only category I fight being like you. It’s strange. You had friends, of course. But you also were fine alone and didn’t have to be with people all the time or to talk everyday to consider yourself loyal/friend, etc. You also noted who kept up with you or reached out and you were very aware of other’s actions in relationship with you. You never made too much of a fuss, but you would just quietly let them go away. As much as I love and thrive off of being around people, I find myself more and more like you in being alone too. And. It. Feels. So. Weird. I butt heads with it regularly and experience seasons where I am bitter that I feel like I’m doing all the work and seasons where I’m not. I even get frustrated, that I’m frustrated, because if I was really that much like you, I wouldn’t have cared either way and even in typing this, I can hear you saying “oh just hush, Alicia. You always over think and over rattle about things”.
It seems silly to even write this at all. You’re not here to read or talk to me about these things. I’m fairly certain the inter webs have no interest in my rambling about it all, either. It’s just a self-serving post to get my feelings out of my heart in an effort to release, if I’m facing honesty. It doesn’t capture telling the world how great you really were (like I started out intending to do for this anniversary). And if it did……or if you could read it…….you wouldn’t be interested in the attention anyway.
But, whether you would’ve liked it or not………..that’s what we do these days. We post all of ourselves (or some of us do) on the inter webs and hope that someone out there……just one person “gets” what we were going for.
You were great. You were so great, that you left a hole so big, that even the time of ten years hasn’t healed it. Thank you for the quiet and fierce love you gave, that I still feel. I wish you were here.
P.S. if you’re interested in the 48Hours episode or an overview of his survival story, you can watch that here (our story starts at 16minutes in).
Whew, this one turned out to be longer than intended.It’s worth it (or I think it is), to hang in there…….take a bathroom break, do some stretches…..whatever you need to, but hang in there with me! 🙂
I really want to avoid the word “resolution” or any variation of “New Year’s resolution”.I know it works for some people to make those lists and stick to them.I admire those folks that diligently sit and layout how things will be different in 2019 and follow through.I LOVE a good list (I’m just terrible at following them).
I used to want to be one of those people.However, one of those people, I am not.And I highly suspect that amongst all of those Facebook posts I have seen, that declare all the sappy and super wholesome new things they promise to do……that there are many who won’t make it any further than I would, if I did make a “resolution” list. I gave up setting myself up for failure long ago (well in the area of New Year’s resolutions lists anyway).
With all that said, I still love what the “new year” signifies in the area of “starting fresh”.We all know you can do that any day, but I try to embrace what this season brings, even if I go against the grain of the official resolutions listing.Change is part of the standard for this time of year and even though I’m poking a little fun at the declaration part of it, I love the atmosphere that it brings, even if, in most cases, it doesn’t last past March :p
I also feel like “New Year’s resolutions” have an air of “what I have to do better because I really messed up the last year”.Whether that’s true or not, or whether I’m way over analyzing, I don’t like to look at things that way.Sure, I made mistakes.Of course last year was challenging in some ways (hello…..broken ankle, surgery, 21 screws, pneumonia, flu, new job…..and so forth).But it wasn’t “bad”.It just showed me how much more I can do and make better for this new year.
ANDDDDD, with all of the even more rambling said, I’m throwing in some contradiction and giving you a list :).I guess there really isn’t even a way to avoid calling them resolutions, but for the sake of my rebellion against them, we are just going to call this “what I’m choosing differently for 2019”.
Even though the list is mine……part of it and part of me wants you to realize you should/could do it too.
Tell people how I feel, no matter what the outcome is.Easy enough to type and easier to be confused by this one, if you know me.I’m usually always speaking my mind.But, surprisingly enough, when it comes to making sure people truly know how I feel, I don’t share nearly as much as I probably should.But 2018 showed me in more than one (and mostly terrible) way that life is too short.It showed me that 41 years is of no matter when a friend has to die.It showed me that too much of what I keep to myself, is because I either expect the same profession back, or I am scared of the reaction of the other person.It’s time for those fears to be squashed.It’s time to “say the things” with no expectations in return.In doing that, it frees me and what the other person chooses to do with it, is on them….and whatever that is,I will be fine….because robbing myself of being true to who I am is only robbing me, never the other people. 🙂 Just say the damn words.
Report the good.We are so quick to complain or make sure management knows when we aren’t happy.We want resolution for our pain and suffering, whether it be on a big scale or when our order is messed up at the drive-thru.We sometimes assume when we get good service, or a good product, etc, that it’s part of their job or that “they” know everything is fine.I think if we started making it known when we receive “great”, that it might just help in drowning out and eventually erasing so much of the negativity in our lives.I, for one, could use a heavy dose of being more grateful and looking through a happier lens. Plus, you never know when you doing this will help the person receiving the praise.
Pause and intentionally choose differently.Even when it’s comfortable.I’m NOTORIOUS for acting first and thinking later.Though I have improved, this area still needs a lot of construction!I’m determined that it’s not the 900 year I-49 expansion type of construction :P, but it needs work, nonetheless.I have seen and tasted the sweet glory in little areas when I choose to pause first, pray and choose differently than my normal AND WAIT it out.I can’t say it’s comfortable……actually it’s grossly uncomfortable for me.But, if I want differently (and better), I have to DO differently (and better).I don’t know that I have ever had this much conversation with myself (or God) before making the simplest decisions, but I definitely am feeling wiser for it and I want that to continue! I have to find the balance between who I am at my core (an Aries who is flighty, loves “the in and new thing” and bores easily) and weighing long term versus instant gratification.I also have to stop letting things derail me.I promise you the devil smells it when I’m on the right track and he sends me all kinds of distractions (that usually work – i.e. boys who seem like they are dateable).Gotta “stay woke” as the young kids say……or do they still say that?
Learn to like chores and the process.To build on to the above, I learned a lottttt about “process” this year and how important doing the little things are. I will put off a chore for an embarrassing amount of time if any social activities invites are thrown my way.I have little desire for admin duties, process and chores.My type is just not built that way.I justify it with the fact that time with people is what I thrive off of and that you can’t get that back, yada yada yada.When you shatter your ankle and can’t even pee by yourself for 3 weeks, you sure get a different perspective on how important process is.Believe me when I tell you that you can’t put one foot in front of the other until you do all the other steps (no pun intended).I have a whole new appreciation for “process” and chores. I have no idea how I will get better at being consistent and disciplined in them, but it’s on the list to give it the ol’ college try.Tips appreciated 🙂
Invest in the list, list of people that is.I have always had a lot of “friends”.I’ll spare you the sap and quotes about finding quality as you get older and realizing how important having a “core tribe” is.I love fiercely and wish I could love the same amount of “fierce” on every single person I know.But I can’t.We weren’t build that way.All I can do is be kinder to every person I interact with.But, if I’m going to do this life alone thing that seems to be happening, and if I can’t guarantee that the nieces are going to take me in when I get older (kidding, kind of)….AND…..at the rate that people really do come and go and disregard relationship (friendship or otherwise)…..then I have to do better at figuring out which people deserve my time, the real me and my fierce love.I love using social media for the masses and I love people (really, interacting with people is my favorite thing).I even have gotten to a really good place where I assume that most people that follow or interact with me have good intentions and think I’m awesome :).I truly don’t care about those that think otherwise.But I also have to be realistic that no matter how much I love others, they aren’t always going to feel the same about me or give effort to a relationship with me. And honestly (as my niece pointed out), I can’t just give all of me right off the bat to people.Why do the people that love me most have to share me, or see me be spread thin (and not give them what they deserve) with someone who doesn’t see my worth, etc?They shouldn’t have to.So, I have my people list and plan to work on it.I hope they hold me accountable!
Say “No” more often, stick to it and be ok with it.I think this one is self-explanatory.I also think I have to stop explaining when I do say it.Sometimes “no” is for self-preservation.Sometimes “no” is to protect me from making further bad decisions.Either way, “no” has to be a necessary part of my 2019.If you know me at all, you know I can’t even schedule a lunch with someone easily because I stay “overbooked”.That’s nothing to brag about.But, again, if I want differently, I have to do differently.That starts with saying “no” to more things and being ok with it.I have big things to do and I can’t do them, if I’m chasing instant gratification and worrying about missing out.It all ties in to the whole appreciating the process and remembering the long term benefit thing.I’m writing this for me to reference….not you :p
Be ok with my gifts.Lastly, this. Actually, no. Don’t be ok with them. Be PROUD of them. Be THANKFUL for them. Be a GOOD STEWARD of them. I recently had a session with a coach who asked me to describe my “board members” in my life (love how she labeled them) and what about each of them made me consider them so important in my life.I went through all the attributes and then she threw me a curve ball.She was writing them down as I was talking and said that I’m attracted to those traits in those people, because I have those in me too.Tears.It’s SO HARD for me to hear anything good about myself (working on it). I appreciate it more than ever, though.I have good in me.I do have gifts.If I look back and think about it, or relive certain instances, I am at my best when I see all those gifts being used.It’s not a new concept. When you are who you are, you attract so much good to you.I’ll be damned if I hide those anymore because it makes someone else uncomfortable.I will no longer walk in a room, watch someone else give me those judgy looks when they are watching me tell a story or interact with others and get quiet or back down.If anything, I’ll tell more stories and laugh a little louder.I bet if you took a look at your gifts and used them a little more boldly, that you’d see some “new good” too 🙂
So, that’s it.Tell me I’m not the only one who reflects during this time and has some of these same thoughts too? 🙂
I reserve the right to amend or add at any point.For now, I’m gonna buckle up and see what kind of tricks 2019 has up it’s sleeve.I wish you the best in your list too :)! I hope you find all the happiness you’re searching for and that 2019 brings all that you want it to! I’m cheering for us all!
Things that have prompted the great dating hiatus (effective immediately):
It’s a jungle out there kids. And I’m fresh out of safari outfits. I’m gonna need y’all to straighten way the heck up by the time I decide to jump back in :p
I joke about dating a lot. And you def have to have thick skin for it these days. But the truth is, unless you’re walking it, you just don’t get how “special” it is…..no worries though, I have captured some of the more recent events, just to give you a taste 🙂
(No lectures and inspirational “you’ll find it when you least expect it”, please. I’m fine. This is mostly funny. Settle down). I realize some of you will wonder how you will fill your time, if I don’t have a crazy dating story. No worries, there are plenty of old ones that still need to be told!
Exhibit A: One of the best 1st dates I have had….with him asking me on a second date and actually physically calling several times…..only to ghost me and “match” with my friends (ghosted count currently sitting at about 3,289). This one actually stings a bit (as much as I hate to admit it….I actually really liked him and feel really weird that I misread him so badly)……..
And to further update from when I first started typing this draft, not only did he hit on a friend (he doesn’t know we are connected), but he also asked her for a full body pic.And when she sent him THE CUTEST pic of her (she really is super adorable, y’all)……he says…and I quote….”I think I’ll pass. Good luck, doll face”.He later text me letting me know that he had a lunch time rendezvous with someone who reminded him of me because she was “thick and yummy” and he couldn’t wait to put me on the list……um no. My response “yeah, call me in 20 years when your daughter is crying to you about being someone’s sloppy seconds”
Update again: Ran into him at the pumpkin patch….he acted like he didn’t know me……..I didn’t show out.Progress 🙂
Exhibit B: A guy friend asking for dating advice and “how to word his profile to ask for full body shots, so he doesn’t end up on a date with a fatty”…without sounding shallow, after he felt like he was deceived on a date by her “creative photography”. I couldn’t believe what I was reading and that he would say that to me, of all people, a big girl who is in the dating realm. But he did. Pics attached for reference. It should also be noted that he is more than willing to ignore warnings about a certifiable crazy…because, ya know…she’s hot. I wish this was fake. But it’s not. And I still haven’t decided how to respond to the last text, because it certainly isn’t a joke.
Update:Never responded to that text.I don’t have it in me for that battle or to even try to rehab someone who isn’t changeable. Again.Progress 🙂 And, guess what boys? Big girls don’t care if you don’t like them. We REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t. You like what you like and we don’t like a$$hats. It’s fine. Just move along. But you do not get to be a jerk about it. You being scared to date a big girl says WAY MORE about you than it does her…….trust me.
Exhibit C: A previous date situation (and admittedly a huge weakness for me), who came back around and wanted to be friends bc “ricia, you’re awesome and I know I’m not good at dating”….and offered to help with some things around the house. Except on the day he was supposed to show up, he faked a rib injury. How do I know he faked it? Bc he asked one of my friends that he swiped on, out for a beer….and didn’t know she was my friend.
Update: He is still a jerk (ok, I don’t know that for sure, but I assume and I’m still too pissed to believe otherwise) and we haven’t talked in months.Progress.
Exhibit D: A guy that I had an “eh” first date with (he peed 7 times on our date and didn’t know who Patti Lebelle was…..don’t act like I’m not supposed to wonder about that), convinced me (Ok, he and the internet voting I let y’all do convinced me) to go on a second date.He asks if we can reschedule the date to another day because he has a game to go to (He is a coach).Sure.I’m flexible.No biggie.And then I show up for drinks with friends at our local hangout and he is at the same place……..on a date……….Guess that explains why he had so many questions about all the locations I would be at for the evening. His date also cried in the bathroom, so there’s that.
Exhibit E: Started talking to a guy, did some “internet research” on him….turns out he openly likes Nickelback – can’t even make a first date happen for this one 😛 (i kid, i kid)
Exhibit F: Channing Tatum not being available
Exhibit G: Guys who post naked pics of themselves as their profile pic. If that’s what this has come to, just hand me the cats and the old shoe now. I can’t. Go ahead, if you don’t know about this, ask a single friend how many unsolicited pics they get on the regular. Key word: unsolicited
This could also be grouped with guys who aren’t actually single. They are a dime a dozen and it’s tragic how numb you become to it and how it’s not even a surprise anymore. It’s also tragic at how easy it is to figure it out and they try to pass it off anyway (ask me about the married preacher story)
Exhibit H: Guys who linger in the background of your Facebook and only pop up when they see opportunity or are on the prowl for whatever mood their in……..only to never actually follow through on anything.
Exhibit I: I’m not equipped to handle the dating scene where everyone is talking to multiple people.We, as humans were not built to know this many people and have this many options.We just weren’t.And being a girl who compares myself to the 72 single girls added to a guy’s FB friend’s list daily, is NOT who I want to be.I can’t become her, because she is a destructive human and I have worked too hard to avoid being that.
Exhibit J: My trust issues run deep.There has never been a secret in that.I struggle with it daily and actively work on it daily.The worst is when you are raw about that with someone and feel like you are dealing with it as best as you can, in a safe space…..only for it to be turned on you to take blame off of them, so they can avoid taking ownership of their own actions (or lack thereof).But with all that on me….I will NEVER allow myself to be ashamed or think I’m unworthy.
Exhibit K: Poor decisions on my part in general, made out of fear and loneliness, that only left me empty and back at square one. Those have to stop. And the only way to address them is to get to the core, without distraction. I’m so far from perfect that perfect isn’t even in the same hemisphere as me. But mistakes don’t make me unworthy or “unfixable”. If you’re reading this, you have to believe that too!
Lots of progress was made in the dating arena this year (despite the above).Walls were let down that I didn’t know would ever come down…..and I’m actively fighting to leave them down, instead of building them taller.I won’t ever hate that 🙂
There is still hope.I have more than ever to offer the right relationship….and I can’t wait to find it! But for now, my heart needs a little break.And that’s ok! I’m excited to do a little more work on myself and blaze a new trail 🙂
How long will the hiatus last? Who knows! Until I feel like my heart is ready and someone convinces me that they are worth my effort, I suppose. Or maybe if it’s an actual organic connection (through mutual friends, etc) and comes about more naturally than Panther5000 with his airbrushed pics and mullet, from the internet 😛
What can you do if you have a single friend who is struggling in dating:
Nothing. Just be present. Please don’t try to tell us what you think from the chair of your marriage or relationship. Dating is hard. Single streets are hard. Things that you think couldn’t possibly happen, actually happen regularly. So, just pour them a shot…..try to help them from doing completely crazy crap 🙂 and love them through it.
Sometimes you sleep so hard (and didn’t have to get up to pee – YAY!), that you actually hit the 9 hour sleep mark and end up over sleeping a bit.
Sometimes you wake up with the worst allergy headache (even though you have never dealt with allergies before)
Sometimes your dog is a jerk and takes the whole “look buddy, all this room to explore now” a little too far and makes you have to text your boss to say “sorry, I’ll be a little late, my dog is a jerk”. But here is a pic of him being cute to remind me that he’s worth keeping (and not putting up a “dog for sale” sign)
Sometimes bracelets you have had for ten years make an appearance and you get a cheesy life lesson of “making old things new” (and making you pause in your “cleaning out and getting a whole new life” to realize that keeping some of the old isn’t always bad either)
Sometimes the free “in shower” self tanner product you were given, sits on a throne of lies and you come out streaked and have to over compensate (hoping nobody notices – and thankfully the girls in the office assure you that you’re safe)
Sometimes you have no idea what the heck those streaks are on your dress in a picture, but you have already changed 3 times so you’re going with it…..
Sometimes online dating takes you through 9,000,000 jerks and you wake up to a message that says “if I liked bigger girls, I think you would be a hoot to get to know”
BUT ALWAYS (alllwaaayyyys), even in the “messy sometimes”, you can still find a reason to laugh and be happy……..and this purple dress with pockets and these bright earrings are definitely happiness!
I’m naturally a more realistic person, that sometimes ends up seeming negative.I have to consciously choose to pick joy.I literally have to talk it out loud over and over sometimes.But you know what?As cheesy as it is, it really works.And whether you believe it or not, it really does flow out of you for others to see. It’s so simple to do (and I don’t like a lot of extra work, so if something so little can make such a big difference, then I’m IN!). I give people PLENTY of things to say about me….but I truly hope that being more intentional about being more of a light, will be one of the main things that starts being spread about me (even if it’s through laughing at that dang roller coaster video of me).
Life is so different when you are looking through the lens of joy and choosing to be thankful and see the good.I promise you if you give it a try, you won’t be disappointed.And I promise you that there will be people on board that will ALWAYS only want to hang on to how you “used to be”……let those people live in that bubble and you keep moving along.Eventually you’ll be so far down the road, you won’t even be able to see them in the rearview!
I have mentioned to several that it feels very weird to “have my life back”. I didn’t realize how much I was working (and how much of me and my time I was sacrificing) to try and keep up with the demands. I was one person, trying to serve as 4 (and failing pretty miserably in a lot of areas).
I prayed harder than I ever have in my life. I prayed for rest. For regroup. For my health. For a fresh start. For a place that would be a good job fit, but also allow me to fulfill (what I think is) my purpose outside of that realm. To be able to write again and be a champion for others to figure out just how great they really are. For someone to know my tough act was just that…..an act.
I got distracted. I took on friends that didn’t deserve the love and prayer I had to give (ok everyone deserves prayer). And unfortunately they also didn’t value it when it was given. Sadly, I had warning straight from the big man himself and still chose not to listen. I was left trying to pour from an empty cup. I was left a little cracked and almost shattered at this point. It’s not that person’s fault completely. I put them in a role they didn’t ask for and my expectations were never even voiced outside of my own head. Lesson learned. And it was a good one to learn. Not everybody deserves to know me intimately or deserves my gifts (I never looked at it that way before and more on that later – but it’s true).
And then I went back to praying for me. To be that better, charismatic, influential person that I knew was in there somewhere. She was just so damn tired. I couldn’t wake her.
Fast forward to present day…or present night. Where I’m sitting in my car, happy tears streaming down my face, eating pickles. And it’s messy (my face andy fingers – look, it’s day one of a healthy lifestyle change and I’m struggling and my coach said pickles are ok!)
For 4 weeks I have wondered around aimlessly at night. I have filled my time with a few (great) trips, Netflix, random dinners, or even literally just sitting on my couch doodling. I have had no idea what to do with myself because I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t going home just to let the dog out and change, so that I would be more comfortable if I was going to work til midnight. I haven’t “done anything” of significance out of fear. I think I keep waiting on someone to bust me out for not working. Like, it’s not real that I really go home at 5 and don’t have to answer emails. To say I’m having some adjustment issues I guess would be an understatement. 😎
But back to tonight….and my point. I ended up at a bible journaling class. I have wanted to do it for a long time but didn’t know where to start, so I was elated when a friend offered her expertise to help the less creatively fortunate.
It was like with every step I applied to my page, there was release. And happy. And exhale. I could’ve stayed there the rest of the night creating. Of course it’s no coincidence that the scripture page picked was basically a neon sign, reminding me that I am on purpose.
Y’all, that woman I have been searching for….she opened her eyes a little tonight. She woke up and stretched a little. She saw the sun peaking through the blinds. And someday soon (very soon), she is going to get out of that cave, put on the most obnoxiously bright dress and step back out into the sunshine.
And she is going to weigh less, both physically and mentally. She has heard every prayer. She has clung to every word of encouragement given to her. She has not taken for granted the “random” people who have recently crossed her path.
I am “she”. And I have never been more thankful or more aware of the season I have been in. Mark my words. SO MUCH greatness is coming from it. And I can’t wait!!!
SO THANKFUL for the most therapeutic exercise and night I have had in forever (and looking forward to lots more nights of creative journaling).
And I am praying that you, the beautiful/handsome one who has hung in to read thus far, finds just the right therapy that awakens the greatness in you too!!!
Fyi – this is not a knock on my old company. I made my own choices. I learned A LOT and more than cherish some of the great people I learned from and now call friend.
I’m just now shutting my laptop for the night and going to bed. A bed that has “half on” sheets because I have just been too tired to care if they are on right or at all.
I have no Christmas decorations up AT ALL (for the first time in my entire life). And at this point, I doubt any of it will get done.
I haven’t planned my funny single Christmas card (you know you have all been dying for an update on that one)
I’m quite possibly at an all time high for being a terrible friend.I know I’ve missed texts and let too many go unanswered. I can’t remember to return calls.I certainly don’t call my mother as often as I should. I fail to check in with people and make time to visit with those I haven’t seen in a while.
If it weren’t for Facebook, I wouldn’t know when even my closest friends were celebrating birthdays.I haven’t kept a hang out commitment in ages (sorry Rob and Jessica).
I have stepped away from people simply out of the lessening of tolerance levels and the realization that you don’t have to accept other’s mistreatment of you, out of obligation.And I’m not even a little bit sorry for doing it.
I’m not kind to my body.I’m actually being the most unkind it’s probably ever experienced from me. And it’s not even rebelling anymore as much as it’s just sad and tired and defeated.
When someone says “you are always so put together”, I cringe and look over my shoulder, worried that they will find out how “un put together” I really am…..or that there will be a number of my enemies in line to point it out for them (or that they saw me barely be able to find clothes to wear this morning).
This has been the weirdest and one of the most challenging seasons of my life.I have been stubborn in not taking real rest.I have laid in bed in the mornings wondering how in the heck I got anything done the day before, and how on earth I’m going to get anything done today. I have wished for some magical fairy to see where I struggle and just show up and help without me having to admit that I need it! (i.e. putting up my Christmas decorations lol)
I’m the toughest I’ve been in a while.These last six months have brought battles I never thought I would be in (cancer blows).Yet my mind has not even remotely let me dwell in a place of negativity or fear.I’m a worrier by nature and haven’t been able to even do that.
My career has stretched me more than I thought it could or would. And every time I try to have a minute of “I don’t want to do this.” Or “I can’t do this” or whatever, I’m immediately shown that I am equipped for this season and am growing in ways that can only mean that I’m about to launch into something really great.And my years of hard work and trying to overcome are finally paying off.
Even though my friends may be fewer, the ones that are in this season with me are patient and showing me staying power that I didn’t even know I needed.And, I’m being exposed to new friends that I can’t wait to grow (already love you, Chelsea).
I’m sticking up for myself and I’m taking less crap.And man, does that feel good!
I’m making the most out of the free time I have and being wise in how I choose to spend it. I don’t get a lot of free time these days (see exhibit A – late night laptop pic :p ), and I know that load isn’t going to lighten any time soon. So, I try to be very intentional about how I spend my free time.And it’s making me realize that some things are just ok undone (Like not putting up a Christmas tree – ok, that one is still breaking my heart, but you get what I’m saying).
I’m more focused.Which is weird to say since so much of life for me right now is so out of sorts (I.e. that pile of unfolded laundry).For the first time, I’m seeing that there is a longer term play and end game and not sacrificing that for the temporary (haven’t quite applied this to my self care and body yet lol).So, the late nights, although tiring, are still serving a longer term purpose that I know will pay off.
I appreciate the “off” things.Like those picture frames that are off center.Every time my door closes, they get knocked that way.It used to drive me crazy. And I still straighten them from time to time, but not as much as I used to.Because them being crooked means I have been living life outside of this apt 🙂
Literally every time my mind has even acted like it was going to take a right down “bad thought lane”, something happens to immediately shut it off.Sometimes it’s a pause (which is new territory for me).Sometimes it’s someone who crosses my path in that moment with a word of encouragement or just enthusiasm in general. Sometimes it’s my dog crawling up next to me, when normally he’s at my feet. It’s a host of things like that, that seem to show up and say “nope, back to focus, you’re growing and the other side is magical”.
I’ve done a lot of late night, cheesy rattling to simply try to say that it’s ok to give yourself permission to be in a weird place. It’s ok to ramble and post it on a blog and risk people not understanding (especially if writing makes you this happy and serves it’s therapeutic purpose).
It’s ok to be in that weird place and feel uncomfortable (I still can’t wrap my mind around how we got to December so fast and how little I accomplished).Sometimes it takes these kinds of places to prompt us into serious action (as in I will NEVER go through another holiday season this “naked” and non-celebratory).
It’s ok to say all the same cheesy things that a million Instagram quote/memes say and have people roll their eyes about it (because there is probably one person who wishes they could say the same things out loud – and connecting with that one person through you being out loud and transparent is more than worth the other 6,000 eye rolls and skip overs)
I tell a male friend today, that I need new wipers. I also jokingly mention that these types of moments are the ONLY times lately that I don’t like being single. (As a side note the other times on the list are when my back itches or when I have already taken my bra off and need something from the store.)
Said friend makes fun of me and says “wow as strong, independent and feisty as you are, I would think wipers couldn’t defeat you” Well….when you put it that way…..
I buy wipers, $54 wipers (not sure when I even bought wipers last, but that would’ve bought a great pair of shoes!!). I refuse assistance in installing them. Because, have you met me? I’m tough. And resourceful. And S T U B B O R N. Soooo the quickest way to get me to do something is to tell me that I can’t.
I kill it on installing them myself. Psh, that wasn’t hard at all…..or so I thought
Since I’m in such a car care mood, I go to the fancy new automated car wash (and believe me, it is FANCY). I am making a lot of trips to Little Rock with this brain tumor fight and want to be sure my car is going to take care of me.
Turns out, the only thing I killed in wiper installation, was the wipers themselves. Didn’t lock them apparently. They flew off in the car wash. 🤦🏼♀️
Back to the store I go. I buy new wipers….another $54……..because I know if I wait til tomorrow, Mother Nature will send a monsoon my way (because her and I are not the best of friends). I did not, however, go back to the same parts store. I went to the one down the road. I’m way too proud to admit defeat. They don’t have my size in stock (sounds like m trips toVictoria’s Secret). I end up back where I started. Where the sweet guy who originally helped me simply says “I knew a girl like you once. She sure was a firecracker. But she sure took the long way around more often than she should have”
When did auto parts guys also become psychologists?
I happily let the gentleman install the new wipers for me.
Moral of the story: Don’t be stubborn and always trying to prove a point. Sometimes there isn’t even a point to prove. All that would’ve come out of me actually doing the wipers correctly, would’ve been a post on Facebook. I think any of my Facebook friends will tell you that’s the last thing anyone needs…another random post from Alicia.
Ask for help. Don’t always feed your weaknesses. There are people to fill in the gaps. Be resourceful enough to use them, so you have more time to be good at what you’re good at.
Tell your friends to suck it, if you need to. And take your extra $50 and treat yourself 😝
P.S. I now also know that wipers are much cheaper at Walmart 🙄