Fat Girl Ponytail to the Rescue!

 Ever have those days where you have to get loud with yourself like a coach in a locker room to get going for the day?  That was me yesterday!  I was struggling from the time I opened my eyes and had to turn off the great dream I was having where I was a talk show host with great hair.  Not a talk show host that sits in those high chairs though (I HATE high chairs). Waking up from that to the realization that I have to do not talk show host things was quite devastating.

No worries.  I rallied.  If i have said it once, I have said it at least three times, when you don’t know what to do in regards to your wardrobe, a scarf and ponytail will save you.  A ponytail you say?  For a girl with a round face such as yours?  Yep.  That’s exactly what I am saying.  Much like the pep talk to get out of bed, I usually need one to put the hair up and let other’s see it.  But today, today was different.  I liked it from the word go.  Could this mean that I am getting closer to falling madly in love with me? Let’s hope so.
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Out the door we go with a great scarf (don’t you just love the hint of sparkle in it?), a great ponytail and my favorite Valere Renee bag.  The fact that I had a baggy shirt on that I didn’t need a generic spanx for was a bonus (generic spanx as in I don’t buy the name brand because…well for reasons that would get us into a whole other blog.  I buy from Dress Barn and ladies if you haven’t checked them out, YOU NEED TO).  I’m tired and angry and just want the end of the day to come as quickly as possible.  Or so I thought.  Wait, what is this feeling?  I’m not tired and angry.  I’m ok. I actually feel pretty good.  Humph…well this is odd.
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See, we get so used to dreading a work day or other things or we get so used to letting the “blah” of the alarm going off trick us into being crabby the whole day.  And guess what?  We don’t really have to.  I KNOW!  It feels weird to me too!
I hesitate to even type this, but dare I say, I even feel sexy today.  Maybe it’s the nude wedges (nude shoes are just too sexy to me).  Maybe it’s that my shirt keeps falling off my shoulder (see pic below for an 80’s flashback).  Maybe it’s that my coworkers (who are all guys) willingly told me I looked pretty today.  It could be the dangly earrings.
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NO WAIT….I know exactly what it is (although all of the above definitely contributed).  FOR THE FIRST TIME ever in my life, I looked at the pics I was trying to capture for the purpose of showing you all and I was happy with me.  I REALLY liked what I saw.  All of it.  I literally had the thought of “oh wow, for lazy dressing you look really great today.  You totally pulled this off.  And that inner peace business is really working out”.  I cannot remember the last time I was that nice to me.  I wasn’t that nice to me after seeing some amazing pro shots taken of me in my outfit shoot this weekend.  Yet, here I sit “ok” with an iPhone shot of me in a ponytail.  MAN THIS FEELS GOOD!
Then, as if the heavens were sending me a flashing neon sign message, I come across one of my favorite Instagram chicks who wrote this.  Soul Sister confirmation is what we will call this.  Love this chick!
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Fat ass. Lard whale. Mr Kool Aid. Beached Shamu. Your clothes are too tight. You should eat less. You are why America isn’t great any more. You’re lazy. You smell. You take up too much space. You’re a disgrace. You’re ugly. You can’t sit here. Rhino. Piggy. Elephant. Fucking loser. Forever alone. Air waster. Chair breaker. Ground shaker. Chubbasaurus Rex. These are just some of the words people have used to to describe me. I can wear them, and allow them to choke my spirit, or I can take them off and reject them for the garbage they are. I can’t change another person’s intent. These words were meant to hurt. However, intention isn’t affection. Only I get to choose on whether their words matter. In the end, I hold all the power. It’s easy to forget when we hear shocking and upsetting words, but don’t let that initial stun make you forget. You get to choose what hurts. You are in control. You don’t have to wear those words. After all, they don’t belong to you. #bodypositivity #inspiration #selflove

A photo posted by Glitter (@glitterandlazers) on Sep 15, 2015 at 10:23am PDT

Tuesday, you were good mister.  You were very very good!
Outfit:
Old Navy top
Nude wedges from walmart.com
THE BEST bag from one of my fav local shops Valere Renee
Scarf – well it’s so old that I don’t even remember where it came from! 🙂

 

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FashioKNEEsta Follies

Now that you’ve been following the blog and are all caught up on the great shopping in my closet project (if you have no idea what I am talking about, click here), I am excited to share what I come up with.  What I am not excited about is my inability to talk about it.
I have plenty to say.  That’s never a problem.  But I struggle in the world of fashion blogging.  I’m not even trying to be one of those.  I am just stupid excited that I have cool things in my closet to mix and match versus draining my bank account for new stuff all of the time.  I studied great fashion bloggers far and wide.  They talk in fantastic detail about their outfits, the brands they wear, the occasions to wear them, the story behind the purchases…..all very fashionably romantic.  It seems no matter how hard I try to come up with a story or a great bunch of words in relation to what I am wearing, I fall short.  Every.  Single.  Time.
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Chances are, whatever I am wearing was on sale, from a store that was probably on my way somewhere, that I forced myself to stop into, because…..I honestly hate shopping.  It doesn’t make sense.  I know.  I am a girl, of course I like shopping.  Nope.  For various reasons (I’m poor, I hate the inconvenience of the mall, etc), I just can’t make myself like it.  I have instead decided to just post the pictures of the outfits and chat with you about other random things.  Is that cool with you?  Yes?  GREAT!
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I accept that I will never be a fashionista.  It’s a burden only an elite few can bear.  The word fashionista did make me think of knees though (and it actually made me think of it while I was peeing – which is where I do my most genius thinking).  I have great respect for knees.  You can’t hate something that essentially holds you up.  Mine deserve more respect than most, because, let’s be honest, they are carrying around a few extra poundage than most.  I guess it only makes sense that with all the pressure they are under, that sometimes they buckle.  The fact that they never buckle at a good time is when I struggle to still love them.  For example, last night, I had a killer outfit on and pulled into the grocery store to own some food shopping like a boss.  Being there at a busy time encouraged me to walk taller and strut with a little extra confidence on the off chance that the future Mrs. Me was inside awaiting my arrival.  Then I went down.  Not downtown to listen to music or have a few drinks.  Down as in down on my knees (and not by my choice).  It felt like I had an audience of 4,239, but turns out it was only 7.  As usual (I fall a lot more than I care to think about), I picked myself up, acted like there was something in the middle of the floor that tripped me up, and moved on to picking out the perfectly ripe bananas.
flowers and lace
Today’s outfit:
I am pretty certain that I will wear this dress til the threads are barely staying together. It will never go out of style in Alicialand!
And these boots……..they have been screaming from the depths of my closet to come out for the fall. I like to imagine that when I stand in my closet trying to figure out what to wear, they are jumping up and down like Donkey from Shrek saying “pick me, pick me”…..It’s going to be a great fall with these guys!!
Kudos to all of you who this fashion thing and make it look so good.  For the rest of us, grab something out of your closet and wear it with the confidence that if you fell in the banana aisle, you would still rock it!

Shopping In My Closet

I should’ve titled it “Coming Out of the Closet” just to watch my small hometown peeps go crazy thinking they were about to get major Alicia gossip…..but I have to think of my mother 😝

ANYWAY

In an effort to be a better me this year, I decided to start trying to improve finances by grounding myself from new clothes. I have enough clothes to open my own small boutique (no I am not exaggerating). I decided to make whatever I already had work and only buy something new if it was necessary (or if it was free). Thus, the shopping in my closet launch.  
So far, I would just snap pics of whatever outfit I was wearing for the day in an effort to show others that:

1) you can still be fashionable and create out of what you already have

2) big girls can be cute too

3) cute doesn’t have to mean expensive all the time (but I will not deny the happiness a spend brings every now and again).


This has been so much fun. And people have been so much nicer than I expected, that this weekend I got a bit braver. I spent the weekend really digging into just how much I could put together. I enlisted the help of a friend to use my pro camera for more legit pics (orrrrrr maybe I just wanted to feel like I could hang with those other cool fashion bloggers – no worries though- I am not claiming to even hold a candle to that group). We had a ton of fun and from my 2×2 camera screen I REALLY liked what I saw. The process itself was exhausting though. Who knew??!!
Yeah. So, I REALLY liked what I saw (and hopefully you will too. Pics shown here are a collection of what I have put together in past posts)….until I loaded them on my computer screen.

Not the prettiest, definitely not the skinniest…and sadly working on repairing some damage and harsh words from someone that I thought cared…..

I have felt so disgusting and was not kind to myself. I had no idea these health issues and other factors would do such a number on me. I have felt “not good enough” for a while now.


THEN I REMEMBERED that I have cute clothes to cover it all up with 😝. As Anita Renfro says “If you can’t lose it, decorate it!”
I decided that I will give hurtful people and horrible thoughts about myself no more energy. Skinny or fat, my heart is still the same size (I don’t mind being a 2x in that department)!!!!!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Shopping in my closet has been fun. After this weekend of putting more stuff together, I can ground myself from shopping just a bit longer!!
Sharing my whole body with the interwebs is HARD (especially when I am the biggest that I have ever been). So thank you for letting me share and thank you for being kind!! Can’t wait to show you what I dug out this weekend! It’s going to be a fun week!


Genera Shopping In My Closet Project notes:

1. There will be repeat pieces. But isn’t that what makes it so cool (that I can mix up so much)?

2. Be nice. Be nice. Be nice.

3. You don’t have to like what I do. You do you. But you don’t get to make me feel bad for me doing me and feeling confident about it.

4. Share! Share! Share! Wouldn’t it be SO COOL if everyone shared their closet from time to time?? LET’S SEE IT!! What can you put together? Heck, let’s issue a hashtag so we can all follow it too!! #shoppinginmycloset
Ohhhhh this is going to be soooooooo fun!!!!

Diagnosis for one please…corner booth is fine

This one is going to be a bit long. But I have to give you the background so that you’ll get the “where I am now” stuff. And there is just no short way around that. I guess I could do a video and talk. But, it’s been a long day. The bra has already come off and the wrinkle cream has already been applied for the night. That doesn’t make good video for anybody! 🙂 Just enjoy another cute pic of my dog instead. 

  

Since March, I have had a rash that has come and gone on my chest. Every time it has come back, it has come back larger and more bothersome than the time before. Certain things caused itching (at one point a Dr told me I was allergic to beer and wine *GASP*). I tend to be a stubborn patient and think that I can figure out my own treatments but this issue was giving me a run for my money. 

I finally caved and decided to see a dermatologist thinking I would get a quick steroid shot and move along. When I called the doctor’s office, I was told it would be a three week wait to get in. Randomly (ok, honestly, as you’ll see in the next couple of sentences, it wasn’t random at all. It was God) the receptionist asks of she can put me on hold. Being the good “waiter” that I am (extreme sarcasm), I tell her yes and proceed to stir frustrations in my head about it being so long to get an appointment and that I waited so long in general to even call when I was in so much misery. The receptionist comes back on the line to tell me they actually had a cancellation and would be able to see me that day at 4pm (there’s the God part that I don’t even realize til later)!
I get to my appointment and when the doctor walks in, I start to give her my diagnosis since I am clearly a better doctor than her. I just need her to go along with my medical plan that I have already researched and then send me on my way. I am busy after all. She politely lets me finish and even listens to a few of my awkward jokes. Am I the only one who handles bad situations with awkward humor? 

  
Then, it happens. She turns to me squarely in her seat and says “I am very concerned. This is not good.” A bit shocked and taken aback by her sternness, I just sit there trying to remain calm and figure out what to say next. In the course of ten minutes, she throws out the word cancer, chronic illness, worst case scenario and a host of other things that were all a blur after I left. She explained the urgency in figuring this out so that a treatment plan could begin immediately. I was told that worst case scenario would be one thing (the C word) but even “best case” would be life altering and that I needed to prepare for that…..YIKES! What? Slow down lady!! The next thing I know, I am having a needle biopsy and sent on my way to wait. Just wait. Just go on about my business like I wasn’t just told I probably have cancer or some chronic disease. I was in no mood to hear words of comfort and the clichés of “It will all be fine. God’s got this.” I know that makes me terrible. Why wouldn’t I want words of encouragement and support? Then, it dawned on me. Ummm, you got an appointment that was supposed to take three weeks. You have a concerned doctor who isn’t willing to waste time. How about we stop being miss pissypants and do a little trusting here!

  
Waiting is torture. Waiting for an over thinker like me is worse. The next 7-10 days were going to be the longest of my life. THE COOL growth moment though was that I asked for prayer from the wonderful world of internet friends and I accepted what was the next step in my life. There is a certain calm and peace that comes with knowing that you are absolutely not in control BUT YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY surrounded by the highest resource of all and equipped to walk the path that is laid out for you. 

  
Fast forward to the next week. In a moment of waiting weakness, I call to see if the results are back. On the other end of the phone I hear “oh. No. They aren’t. We actually sent them to UAMS for further testing. We didn’t like what we were seeing so we sent it there to rule some things out. That will add another 7-10 days Ms. Elmore. I can try to tell them you are worried and get it back faster.” Ummmmm. Ok. What? Well this isn’t awesome. At all. Next came more tests, more samples being taken and a lower tolerance for that peace and calm and patience stuff I mentioned earlier. 

  
You know what else was frustrating? The fact that I had a host of other symptoms that pointed to this a long time ago but was told that “I just needed to lose weight.” Because, in case you’re wondering, that fixes everything. Before you jump on a hate wagon, I am not in denial that I need to lose weight in the least. I am reminded of it every morning when my side mirror shows my reflection getting out if the shower. I am just saying that is not always the root cause and not always as easy as it is for a doctor to let it come off of their tongue. ANYWAY….i digress. 

  
After 14 very long days, a ton of prayer and some pretty great lesson learning, I finally got my results (and finally got all of these annoying stitches out). I am ecstatic to say that it is NOT cancer. But, as previously mentioned, “best case” scenario would still be life altering. It looks like I am dealing with a wonderful diagnosis of Connective Tissue Disease and most likely Lupus. Further blood work will determine what level I am at and treatment will begin immediately since there is already signs of some organ damage, etc. Still a bit scary, but at least it’s manageable and at least it’s NOT cancer. 

  
I don’t know much about Lupus and I promised my doctor that I would stay off of the internet research wagon (for now). What I do know is this:

1. I am about to be the coolest Lupus patient out there!! If there is fun to be had with this, I am about to have it. 

2. I have the best support network there is and I hope that they stick this out with me. 

3. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about how people will view me. 

4. I will NOT let me convince myself that I am never going to find a life partner especially now that I have some weirdo disease to tote around. (Ok maybe I have already had a moment or two like that over the last couple of weeks but I swear I slapped it out and sent them on their way). 
There is testimony in my battle, even if I don’t see it yet. Wait. It’s not even a battle (the battle has already been won), it’s a path. And I will carry some glitter to make sure it sparkles and good music to dance to along the way!!