I have lived in my apartment since mid March. I am yet to decorate. I have a pile of great things to hang on my living room wall. Every week I was having girls night and every week we would say “for real. This week we are hanging crap”. And every week the wine would win. And now my friend had moved to New Jersey and the pile still sits there.
I could probably force myself to just hang it myself. But for more than one reason that would be a disaster. For deeper reasons than the surface of the unfinished pile, I am simply overwhelmed with the task. And what is even more ridiculous is that I am scared that if I do actually do it myself, it is just one more thing to add to the list of “I don’t need anybody. I can do it all myself”. And while independence isn’t a bad thing, I wasn’t built to completely be alone. I was built for relationship (all of us are). And now staring at this dang unfinished wall at 5am through my bedroom has me “all up in my feelings” over life in general.
My soul needs rest. As my super cool teenage faux niece would say “I am a up in my feelings” (I think I used that in the correct context. I have a habit of screwing up the modern lingo she tries to keep me up on). My heart is a bit of a construction mess and I sure could use some completion. My blog could use some too. I think we could all agree that we are ready to get back to the funny.
(Brief blog interruption. This is one of my super cool nieces)
A wise friend told me after my last breakup “Alicia, please be careful. Please let your heart rest. Its bigger and more genuine than you give it credit for and if you keep giving it to people who dont care for it properly, its going to be so broken that when the right person comes along, you might miss it. You wont have the capacity to love like you deserve”. I loved her honest perspective and haven’t dated too much since. I didn’t realize though that my heart also needed rest and protection in other aspects of my life like friendship.
I have never been cautious with my heart. I am a dive in heart first kind of girl. So this new “being a cautious grown up and thinking about consequences” is scary new to me. I recognize that I am in a situation where being friends with someone (like “it just fits” friends) is possibly heart destructing. Yet, I haven’t built up enough toughness to “straight up walk away” (I am pretty sure that one is not niece approved). After a somewhat bs conversation recently with the friend, it seems all roads and neon signs lead to an inevitable case of end where Alicia ends up broken hearted and the other person ends up fine and just remembering me as someone who was there through a rough patch.
I think this whole guarding your heart thing sucks. And I am discovering it has phases. First you think “it wont happen to me”. Next comes “this will be the exception”. Followed by “honestly, I am scared to walk away. I know I need to before I become too attached to a fantastic family. But the reality is I don’t want to admit that they would let me walk away. That means I didn’t mean as much to them as they did me.” And all that is just simply a pile of unfinished chaos. (I probably should’ve written this blog before the Breakup U blog because it seems as if I am going backwards here). 🙂
So for now I will just continue small steps (its all I know to do really). I will get up to meet the sun for a walk (even though it didn’t want to meet me this morning. Dang clouds) and meditation in the word in hopes of seeing a clearer path (and in hopes of working out the soreness from my new trainer).
I will take small steps in addressing my heart concerns out loud versus keeping them bottled up (yes, as shocking as it may be to some, I actually don’t say everything I think).
I will take small steps in demanding more for my heart, protecting its fragile state, and being ok with that. Your heart is pretty important. And not everybody deserves (or wants) a piece of it. And thats ok.
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. (Proverbs 4:23 NLT)
I have to get up off this bench now and finish my walk….which is hopefully one step closer to finishing my dang wall.