Dungeons and Douchebags Series….Meet Jacob

Sigh…..I was just bragging about how I hadn’t met anyone who fit this category enough to blog about them and then Jacob happened.  Normally I wouldn’t be too bothered by a guy not working out that I met online.  But this guy…….this guy has me all kinds of worked up and not in a good way.
Meet Jacob.  I was going to disguise his name and such but am just too mad to give him any protection.  He doesn’t deserve it at this point.
Jacob is a 35 year old online dater.  His profile pic on the dating website was nice enough to know that he was extremely good looking (in my opinion) but still not too clear.  Jacob messaged me, which was nice since I am usually the aggressor and contact most guys first.  Then the following happened.  You can draw your own conclusion about Jacob, I am just going to list the facts.  Also, during this list, there will be a few points where you probably will think to yourself “well, that’s obvious, you should’ve stopped talking to him then”.  I agree with you.  But when I know they are being snakes, it does something within me that makes me want to dig further and gather info to later call them out.  I also realize that probably is some serious issue deep within that I should seek therapy for (I mean I can’t be some douchebag busting super hero I guess).  ANYWAY, “it is what it is” today for the story telling purposes of this blog. 🙂
  1.  Jacob messages me on the site and says “you are super sexy”.  I reply how nice that was to hear.  We continue to message back and forth and later exchange numbers.  I am always leary of super hot guys on these sites.  For one, I am not a “hot guy” attractor.  I’m just not.  I usually do better with the nerds and I am more than ok with that.  It’s not secret that I am not a super model in the least, so when an unusually attractive man reaches out, I am always suspicious.  (again, an issue I’ll save for my therapist)     photo 3
  2. We start texting.  Jacob is a little bit more flirty than I am comfortable with so soon but I also realize that I have been quite the prude lately and figure it won’t hurt to try to be more open to compliments and flirting.  Plus, he sent me a pic of himself through text and I’m not gonna lie….I was a sucker.  He is a beautiful human.
  3. Because I am a typical girl (and do not even try to act like this is crazy – just because I am about to admit to it doesn’t make me crazy – honey every girl does her own research whether she admits it or not) I do a little Facebook research.  I type in Jacob’s number in the search bar of Facebook and BAM, there he is.  Jacob G.  I pull up his Facebook profile to see that his profile picture was updated on 5/24.  It’s a sweet pic of him and his little girl sitting on a 4-wheeler……….and on his hand is a wedding ring.  Nice.  Then, if you scroll further, you see another profile pic was posted on 5/23 of him with a beautiful woman (much prettier than I am for sure!).  Sweet.  IF, I am going to be open minded and give him the benefit of the doubt, that was three weeks ago so maybe he is NEWLY single.
  4. I text Jacob and say “so, do you have Facebook”.  He replies “no”.  Oh, interesting because I just found you on there.  He explains it as his ex has his login info and must be posting it for him.  He says he has it all cleared up now and do I see his profile anymore.  Nope, sure don’t.  Glad you got that fixed buddy.   photo 4photo-7
    photo 2
  5. We talk on the phone briefly after work and he has to let me go to change his daughter’s diaper. He says he will call me back shortly.  I text him and ask if we can talk later since I am cooking dinner and such.  He says “yeah, text first though”…..hmmm, why’s that?   photo 1-1
  6.  We continue to text some and I try to call him later to which he explains he can’t talk because his daughter fell asleep on his chest.  Oh.  Ok.  photo 3-1
  7. This morning bright and early he is texting me being all charming and such.  But I just don’t trust him.  So when I’m having coffee with a coworker and telling her about this situation, she pulls up her Facebook app on her phone and searches for him.  Well, would you looky here…….there is hot Jacob’s profile.  Sooooo, you basically just used my trick of putting in my phone number, finding my Facebook profile and blocking me.  Genius.  Except that I’m not dumb.  I choose to “address” everything in reply to his “sad face” text when he asks if I am daydreaming about him and I say “no” 🙂 .  I then send him this book of a text to which I have received no reply (and probably never will).  I’m not even sure why I was even the least bit nice, but I felt like I was compared to what I was thinking.  🙂  photo-8

I am beyond mad.  Not for myself.  I have thick skin.  Be a douchebag to me, that’s fine, I’ll just blog about it.  But how many women is he hitting on and flirting with that he is also clearly not being honest with?  It’s just not necessary.  Online dating is hard enough as it is without morons like yourself doing stupid and shady stuff such as this.  And that girl in his profile pic…she is adorable.  Does she even have a clue that he is on a dating site?  Sure, women are crazy.  But guys like you provoke it.

You Jacob, deserve a swift kick in the balls.  I’m not sure if he has ever won any awards, but today, he takes the “Douchelord of the Day” award hands down.

Fact Friday

I am spending the day recovering from a hard core week at Walmart Shareholders and Associate Expo. I was on my feet literally all week and can’t wait for the chiropractor to call me back and get “cracked”. I consumed a gazillion calories from all the vendors food at the expo and am a beautiful golden brown from all the sun I soaked up being outside all day for 4 days straight.

In addition to getting my hips aligned, I plan on spending the afternoon drenched in documentaries and random facts. I love to learn about most anything. A perfect day of rejuvenation for me includes documentaries, chocolate, and naps. If I could customize my cable package it would include the History, Discovery, and ID channels only. All day everyday.

Learning a new random fact literally makes my heart beat faster. I am known at work for spouting out random facts all day and work things like “orca whales can travel at 70mph” into any conversation that I can. I am shamelessly addicted to the Uberfacts Twitter account.

We all should know random things 🙂 it just makes us more fun to converse with. Who knows, maybe one day my random Orca knowledge will be what brings me across the man of my dreams. He will hear me spouting off whale facts, Auschwitz stats, New York City in the 30s notes and suddenly realize I am the woman he has been looking for. He will run to me in an open field with a bouquet of flowers and we will walk off into the sunset. 🙂 No? Ok. Clearly I am beyond exhausted and need to bring it back to reality.

HAPPY FRIDAY folks!!! Thanks for entertaining my tired mind and blog today. With that, I bring you a random panda fact. You’re welcome!!!


When I thought the world was ending (an oldie but a goodie)

I am exhausted. Too exhausted to have enough thoughts to make a real post. So I cheated and pulled an old one from the archives. 🙂 i apparently was covering my bases in preparation of the world ending.

Here ya go.
If that’s true for 2012……

Then I better get busy blogging. JUST IN CASE the aliens that take over want some reading material to see what us humans have been up too!

In all seriousness, I can’t possibly believe this year is the end so I for one will continue with life as usual. But that’s neither here nor there and establishing an opinion on the matter is not a requirement for reading or following this blogging madness.

Just as a little insight, here’s how my blogging works. I randomly think of things. Then I log them in the notebook portion of my iphone. When I have time, I go back through all the notes I have made and log them for all the world to see. Sometimes, I wonder what on earth I was talking about, but nevertheless, they get recorded and reported. With all that said, these are in no particular order.

– I apparently took notes during a speech or sermon or something but came across this and found it useful to share.

  • Don’t forget to show hospitality to strangers. Someone needs you to show kindness to them more than you need it shown to you. Just be kind. (hmmm, well that is a slap in the “it’s not all about you face” now isn’t it)

Quote of the day: It will never rain roses. When we want to have more roses, we must plant more roses. George Eliot

Song of the day: Eric Hutchinson, Rock and Roll. Particularly I like the part where he says “If she wanna stay she stays. If she wanna go she goes”. Can you say theme song?

Family Time: You know you’re from the country or have a redneck family when they gather and one of the first questions is “How many deer did you see on the way over here?”…..yeah, that happens almost every single time we gather somewhere. And all I think is that I did good to drive at all, much less count deer.

Things I forgot: I recently posted my 2011 year in review. And I almost forgot one of the most scandalous things about my year……ok, it totally wasn’t scandalous but it was mysterious….or as mysterious as you can get for my life. I randomly reconnected with some “old guy” that I had always had a crush on my whole entire life. And you know what happened in that night? We talked a ton. And it was some of the best conversation I had all year. But you know what else….I realized he is eternally screwed up. Just goes to show that everything is not what it seems.

– And to that point…..in the last 6months I have tried to be increasingly more earnest in asking for others thoughts and opinions before acting. I truly value MOST people’s outlook and opinion. And based on the fact that I’m a huge “act before I think” kinda gal, this new tactic has proven extremely beneficial. Clearly I left out other’s opinions in visiting with old dude…..and now that I think about it, this paragraph has nothing to do with the above. Anyway, moving on.

History lesson: this last week, I reconnected with a prom date from when I was in 9th grade on Facebook. He went to a different school and it was his SR prom. I think (looking back of course), he genuinely liked me. Unfortunately, I was too much of a brat to appreciate this. (the fact of whether he really liked me or not is really up for interpretation I guess, but for story telling purposes, he did, madly in love as a matter of fact…because this only turns out lame for me so I need all the fairy tale I can get out of it) ANYWAY…..I wouldn’t say the prom night went “bad” but it was rather uneventful from what I remember. And I guess he was completely over me because he mailed me a copy of the pics. Yep, that’s right, in the mail (this was back before USPS was uncool kids). Later, everyone tried to tell me how smart he was, etc. But noooooooooo, I was busy with other things and never took the time to really know him. Well, he graduated from Harvard, went into the military and basically became a hero, is now in politics and I’m pretty sure has probably never failed at anything he’s ever tried. He also doesn’t have braces or acne, and seems to be maybe one of the most sincerely nicest guys I might sort of know. I’m sure you can tell where the moral of this story is going. Oh well, we all know I wouldn’t last 5 minutes as a politicians wife right? The most I can hope for is that he has moved past my brattiness and that we can become friends.

Recently in the news: A local Target store allowed an “in store protest” or “awareness” if you will of breast feeding in public. They had a table set up in the front of the store with women breast feeding their children right there in front of God and everybody (as my momma would say). I almost feel like commenting on this further is pointless because you should all know how I feel. But, in case the person reading this is new to Alicialand, let me just say “REALLY???????”…..FOR THE LOVE! Cover it up ladies. Yes, it’s the best thing you can do for your kid. It’s the most awesome bond between a mom and child. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with being discreet about it. Plan your trip to Target around the kid’s feeding schedule….get a room, something, anything. I’m pretty sure if I walked around with my boob hanging out and a sequined tassel attached to it (I have no kids to feed) in an effort to express my bond with myself, that you all would be offended. Common sense, respect…..get some. GEEZ!

About me: Insulting my intelligence is never a good idea or approach to dealing with me. Ever. I give you more than enough opportunity to make fun of me on a regular basis. You are free to use that how you need to. But insulting my intelligence is just asking for a game of leap frog with a unicorn. Clearly I’m referencing a recent incident but I felt like it would also be a good time to educate the rest of America.

– You wanna get me worked up in 0.2 seconds? Sit a shallow guy in front of me talking about how he’s not interested because of fat. That’ll do it every time. And no matter how far I’ve come in the self control department, I will never be able to keep my mouth shut. I can report that after a brief conversation about it, I’m pretty sure he and I will not be friends. He will also not be invited to Aliciapalooza 2012.

Pop Quiz: Do you tell a complete stranger that is obviously trying to play mr cool guy that his button fly is unzipped? I was so torn….he was really serious about being a bada$$.

Dating: When girlfriends say “if he’s really interested, he’ll make time to spend with you”, I have always resorted to excuses, justifications, defenses, etc. I’ve never let myself believe that was true because whomever I was with at the time had a perfectly good reason for not spending time with me. The older I get, the more I’m learning that it’s true. It’s just sad that I’m having to learn it by being an example of it.

– I would also like to give a shout out to the movie industry for making me believe that boys fix what’s wrong and that it all works out in the end with happily ever after. Lame movie people. Very lame.

Lame: As if the Delilah radio show isn’t bad enough. Delilah playing in the hotel lobby while you’re waiting on a friend is worse. You can’t escape that. Since I was forced to listen, I will share the following story. A man calls in talking about a previous broken heart. He’s all healed now and wants her to pick a song for him. She picks….wait for it….Walking in a Winter Wonderland. Really? I may be somewhat single and not good at dating, but thank goodness this chick isn’t in charge of my love playlist.

Logistically speaking: I find it very interesting that literally almost all of the apartments in my particular building are empty, yet every flippin parking space is taken and I have to park at another building. I’m pretty sure this isn’t rocket science.

Let’s have some inspiration: Hope is more than a word – it’s a state of being. It’s a firm belief that even if you don’t know how, even if you don’t know when, God will come through, and BETTER DAYS ARE AHEAD. Life brings rain…hope dances in the puddles until the sun comes out again. (from a great little devotional)

All things random: I think about the number 57 and 762 all the time. It makes no sense. I’m sure there is some deep rooted issue…feel free to analyze. I’m open.

– In reading through my notes, 67 days ago, it says I posted “today is the day we stop the bleeding, Go Rangers” . And 67 days later, I’m still sad we lost. Boo.

– The iphone should’ve never given me the update to see if people on ichat are replying to my texts. Anyone who knows me for more than five minutes knows that I hate being ignored. Now I’m just going to watch for dotted bubbles of friends typing responses all dang day.

– If you don’t like the show Big Bang Theory, you are simply certifiable. It’s better than any reality show out there. And any show that gives Blossom a second chance has to be good right?

– A while back on a dating website (and I mean a while back, but keep in mind, I got notes to go through) a guy popped up and his thumbnail picture was him in head gear. I get excited thinking I’ve got a pilot on my hands……Nope. A gamer. Fail. That is not a good pic to use on a dating website pumpkin. You are trying to convince girls you have a life and want to include them in it. Not that you lock yourself in a room and play video games.

– Some people’s self-righteousness gets on my nerves. And using Facebook as an outlet is lame. You’re crazy, manipulative and if you don’t like somebody, then you’re whole cult following doesn’t like them. Rude. And lame.

– Don’t like Facebook? Don’t use it. Simple. Things change, especially in technology. So when updates are made, refrain from griping. Invent something better if you don’t like it or go away.

– Why can’t I sleep all night without peeing anymore?

Therapy Session: I saw someone out and about recently who HATES me. Not even kidding. And I honestly have no idea why. I mean, usually I at least have an idea. Not with this person. It brought back memories of the time she told someone else I was a complete troll. I actually used to “wanna be this girl”. She is hilarious and seems to be popular. But to call someone that without a valid reason or to hate someone unbeknownst to them is completely beyond me. It still makes me sick to think of the moment I heard her call me that. It bothers me even more that she goes on with life of everyone thinking how great she is. But, that doesn’t for one second mean that I’m not great too. And do I really want to be a part of that kind of crowd that acts like that towards people? Absolutely not. Am I perfect? Nope. But do I call people trolls for no reason or without even having enough balls to even tell me why you don’t like me? Nope.

And that should be enough to get us started for 2012. Happy World Ending Year folks!

Ripped Jeans

I didn’t realize just how many random thoughts I document per day (mostly on Facebook and Twitter) until I declared a Facebook absence for June. Just as an experiment, I have jotted down my thoughts in my phone notebook over the last couple of days. When I had the urge to post, I opened the notebook instead.

I cannot be the only person on planet Earth who has such randomness right? So, for lack of a better blog post (because I am simply beyond exhausted working the Walmart Shareholders/Associate Expo this week), I share with you pointless and random “faux” posts.

1. Nothing is more devastating in the matter of clothing than when your all time favorite pair of jeans gets a hole (in the inner thigh). Wait, what is more devastating is when your mom patches said jeans only for you to climb on top of a table to work on a tent and rip them beyond repair. RIP favorite jeans ever. I know throwing you in the Walmart trash can wasn’t the most respectable way to go and for that I’m sorry. Do you know how hard it is to find “that” pair of jeans that fits so right and brings you so much joy that you don’t even think twice about your mom putting an off colored patch on them when they need repair?

2. Arkansas may not get rain any other time of the year but you can always be guaranteed that during the week of Walmart Shareholders, while you are trying to set up a booth, at a fairground, that it will come a small monsoon (or also during the Yell County Fair). You can then get excited about the humidity that follows in your 10 hour outdoor workdays. Some people have muffin top….I have cankle top (where I am so swollen my ankles hang over my socks).

3. When taking your BRAND NEW CAR that has been hit to the collision center, do not make eye contact with the sweet lady receptionist. You will be trapped forever. Surely it is because she works with all men who seem to only talk about cars but either way, unless you have nothing but time, do not engage. ESPECIALLY if she starts the conversation about sewing which you know absolutely nothing about.

4. Should you agree to sign up for a 30 day ab challenge that gradually increases in intensity daily, it might be a good idea to consult your abs prior to starting the program. Trust me when I tell you that if you don’t they will rebel against you and make even the slightest task (like getting out of bed) make you feel like Satan himself is living inside of you. It is also probably wise not to dive feet first into a program such as this when you are spending 10+ hours on your feet at an event, in the heat, with cankle top. 😉

5. If I ever pose the question “why am I still single” to you. Politely remind me it is probably because no man can handle the retainer, eye cream, hair mask, granny gown, and chillow that I bring out nightly. Too much sexy can be hard on a man. I get it.

Here’s hoping for the week to pass quickly, for a miracle product to be invented for cankle top and bitchy fat girls in the heat, and for the man of my dreams to show up at this event and find the mixture of sweat and my perfume irresistible. 😉


Writings on the wall….or mirror :-)




I publicly declared yesterday that I was taking a hiatus from Facebook for the month of June.  Sure, it may not seem like a big deal to most.  But for someone who could basically work for Facebook as much time as I spend on there, this was a pretty big declaration indeed.  As cheesy as it may sound., I need to spend time with me and not with the life I lead on Facebook.  I said in recent blogs that I know I am at the part of my journey to being a more awesome me where I am forced to experience “alone”.  And to truly soak that up, I need to get rid of a few things that get way too much of my time (i.e. Facebook) and give that time to things that do not get very much attention (myself mentally and physically……ANNNNDDDDD the books and journals collecting dust on my shelves).
In my first day “off” from Facebook, I have realized that it is my thumb’s second nature to “click and scroll”.  I think my thumb may be having more withdrawals than I am!  What I have not been admitting to myself is that diving into Facebook, sharing my life as an open poster, knowing I make people laugh or sometimes just shake their heads, is that I use it as a disguise or distraction.  I probably really do it so that I don’t have to address the writing on the wall.
You see, I have built a wall that would rival the Great Wall of China.  I think I was laying one brick at a time in my younger years.  Then, I think in the last couple of years after experiencing a physically and mentally abusive relationship, I just called in the concrete and iron workers and told them to work double time to build a wall so big, so tall and so hard around my heart that nothing would ever hurt it again.  I wanted to build whatever device I had to so that I NEVER encountered the hell on Earth that the abuse and time following brought.  It didn’t take long to put that wall up.  However, I decorated it nicely so that everyone thought that I was fine and bouncing back nicely.  I decorated it with lots of dating to show I was “ready” to get back out there.  I decorated it with service and volunteering so that people would see how big my heart really is.
Then, I let self-doubt in.  I let one bad date after another take a piece of the wall with them when they went or I sent them on their way.  And myself and old man self-doubt took out some spray paint and went to town on writing graffiti on the wall.  The worse thing was, I wrote it on my side of the wall and stayed on that side.  I didn’t come out to the side where people were passing by and looking at my decorations.  I stayed on the inside and stared at what was written there.  And it was not nice.  It wasn’t nice at all.
  • “You’re never going to find anyone.  It never fails when a guy meets you in person he only wants to be your friend because of how fat you are.”
  • “You got lucky in getting the job you have now.  It’s only a matter of time before you’re too old and some young person replaces you.  You really don’t know what you’re doing”
  • “If you would just lose about 50 pounds, you would get to do the welcome video at church like you have always secretly wanted to do.  Or maybe, that guy will FINALLY like you for more than just a friend”
  • “You are so annoying.  You are selfish.  What your ex friend’s mom said about you was right.  There is a reason she unleashed on you.  It was built up frustration cause nobody knows how to tell you how awful you are.  Sure, she has issues, but everyone likes her better so don’t even look at her that way.  You never remember important things in regards to your friends.  Every time you talk to them the convo ends up about you.  Nobody likes that, they are all talking behind your back I’m sure.  Actually, you just talk too much in general.”
  • “Nobody reads anything you write.  You are never going to finish that book, so just give it up”
UGH….It makes me sad to even type those things.  I would simply not allow any of my friends (or anyone for that matter) to talk about themselves like that.  It freaks me out to even be that transparent with the world that I have let those thoughts run me.
THE GOOD NEWS IS……..the writings on my wall my say the above…….BUT…the writings on my mirror (that has just enough room now for me to see my face to put makeup on in the morning), the notes from true friends (and even some strangers), the words in some REALLY good books I am reading……they all assure me that my writings on my wall are false.  Within all of these things, there is a resounding and unconditional love that I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around.  Yet, I am clinging on to every single thing spoken or written like no other.  I believe them.  I really do.  And every day, it gets easier and easier to paint over the nasty things written on my wall.  In that painting process, I am starting to see joy, a remarkable peace I didn’t know I could ever feel, happy, and most importantly kindness.  The even greater thing is that with all of those new things, I catch myself ever so often taking down part of the wall and breathing a little better.
The alone time is forcing me to face the bad and admit to myself that I have not been kind to me.  The beautiful thing is that in that same alone time I feel change for the better!  I cannot wait to see what happens next!  If you’re reading this as someone who “knows someone”who has not been kind to them, and you have maybe just “blown it off” or hoped it would pass, I encourage you to lift that person up somehow.  Even if it’s just post-its on a door or mirror like my friend did for me last week.  Even though she did it to help remind me of a big day ahead, I have still not taken them off my front door and love to see them as I head out each morning!  If you are the person being unkind to you STOP IT.  Stop it right now!  You were created by an amazing creator who makes nothing but beautiful things.  To think anything less of yourself is an insult to Him!

Yes, the wall is still up.  But hang around for a bit and I just might hand you asledge-hammer to help me knock it down.




I am NOT a 3x




Just a little boutique shopping story  (and chance to vote) for your Monday!  Have a great week!!!




Boutique Fitting Room