Why I’m Not Pregnant….a comedy

Happy “random stuff Alicia thinks about that makes no sense” Friday!!! ūüôā ¬†Take a listen to my thoughts on child birthing.



birthing funny

Know Your Shopper‚Ķ.Shopping at Ulta

Recently I had quite the experience on a shopping trip to Ulta‚Ķ.followed by a not so pleasant customer service call. ¬†I decided to “tell” you the story versus typing it all out (I know I get wordy and thought if you heard me actually tell a story then reading some of them would be a different experience in the future too)!!


What the ultra rep gave me in lieu of not having free gift with purchase
What the ultra rep gave me in lieu of not having free gift with purchase

The Chemical Life


Well. ¬†It has happened. ¬†I have entered the world of chemicals. ¬†I always thought I would not ever need them or that I would just embrace aging and accept that things change as you get older. ¬†That’s what I thought until I met gravity. ¬†And age. ¬†Now, all bets are off. ¬†The only thing standing in my way of tummy tucks, botox, and a boob lift is the fact that I am poor and that as far as I know there are no single plastic surgeons around here for me to date.
I am “that girl” that is willing to try anything that promises even remotely improving or stopping the aging process. ¬†I spend a silly amount of time researching home remedies. ¬†Time, that I realize could be spent in the gym which might help more than anything. ¬†In my quest to hang on to what little young and feisty cells I have left, I thought I would share some of my fails and prize finds with you. ¬†I assume you could use the entertainment and I could use the confession. ¬†So, until someone comes along to make me their project in the makeover process, I will continue on my less wrinkle journey. ¬†Wanna come with me?
  1. ¬†Prize find: ¬†Nerium AD cream. ¬†A friend introduced me to this when she became an independent consultant. ¬†I LOVE this product. ¬†I could tell the most change (Or more immediate change) was actually in my cleavage area. ¬†Although the boobs are headed south for more than the winter, this product has done a great job of making that area look younger. ¬†You know those old ladies that have that one wrinkle in the cleavage area? ¬†Not me! ¬†What’s even more awesome is that my friend is no pushy about trying to shove a million dollars worth of product down my throat. ¬†She simply offered the product for me to try.
  2. Prize find – Alicia fail: ¬†Sally Hansen facial hair remover. ¬†This product is great‚Ķ‚Ķ.when used correctly. ¬†Starting the hair removal process is more of a commitment than I was prepared for. ¬†Ok, it was more of a commitment than I have probably had to anything in the last 12 years. ¬†Once you start, you have to keep it up. ¬†Be careful that you don’t leave it on too long. ¬†There is definitely a magic number of time for each person. ¬†I have yet to perfect that part of the routine so think nothing of it when you see splotches of burned skin or patches of peach fuzz on my face.
  3. FAIL: Honey and lemon remedies.  I have read many uses for this such as blackhead help (much needed for me), hair masks, etc.  Thus far, every recipe I have tried has failed miserably.  For example, the face remedy it offered ended up with a slime like mess running down my neck and even got in my nose somehow.  Then I fell asleep waiting on it to dry and panicked when I woke up and had forgotten what I had done.
  4. FAIL: making your own pore strips. ¬†I can’t even remember the recipe but I do remember how horrid it smelled and how hard it was to get off. ¬†Those pretty pictures the blogger posted made it look like I would never be buying pore strips again.
  5. SUPER PRIZE: ¬†Cocunut oil. ¬†I could write a blog on it and all the wonderful things it has done for me that would be a small book. ¬†But just go with me on this one and read up on it from people who have way better writing skills than me. ¬†It is like a miracle treatment for everything. ¬†I use it for my dry skin as a lotion. ¬†I use it as a hair mask. ¬†I take pill forms of it and haven’t had my blood pressure prescription filled since. ¬†I had a gimp toenail issue solved. ¬†The list goes on. ¬†It is a staple in my house.
  6. Prize: ¬†Water. ¬†As much as I hate to admit this one because for one it’s just boring and for two I hate admitting that “they” are right‚Ķ..they are. ¬†I drank over 100oz a day for 21 days and got more compliments on my skin. ¬†I didn’t look bloated. ¬†My skin was smoother and fuller. ¬†And then I fell off the wagon (because that is what I do). ¬†But!!! ¬†I am hoping back on and have a new hot pink water jug to prove it. ¬†This jug is sold at Family Dollar and is 100oz. ¬†I fill it up in the morning and don’t have to keep tabs on how much I have drank. ¬†I just know I have to make it through the jug.
So, what are your secrets?


When big girls go swimming‚Ķ.and celebrate Memorial Day alone

I can’t believe I am about to type this. But, I have had too much time off this weekend. I NEED to go back to work. I actually should’ve worked today but chose a “mental health day” of crafting and mindless Netflix watching instead. I also forced myself to put on a swimsuit and visit the pool of the new apartment complex I moved into. Interesting things happen when big girls enter the pool force. Interesting things also happen when I spend three whole days alone. Below is a recap.

1. ¬†The first thing I like to do before heading to the pool when a friend will be accompanying me is make them sign a disclaimer that they will never speak of what they see. You have entered into a special circle if I am willing to let you see my old lady, huge flower print, skirted swimsuit. So, when my friend Tamara agreed to join me on our afternoon off AND bring summer drinks, I wanted to be sure she understood what was about to go down. I try to get a good base tan (because brown fat is better than white fat in my opinion) but even my skin color pigments can’t hide all that is my body. You are to act like you don’t see all my cellulite and you are also to pretend that I have a “thigh gap”. Basically, just keep your eyes above the chest and we will be fine.
P.S. Tamara and I had the most lovely day. We don’t feel the need to talk the entire time to entertain each other. So we sipped beverages, laughed a bit, and soaked up the sun. It was pretty close to a perfect day. Especially since we had the whole area to ourselves.

2. ¬†Children at the pool. It’s a great idea. Bring them, throw them in the water, and wear them out while you lay there pretending that you are a million miles away (I plan to do that on my upcoming trip with just myself and my two 5 year old nieces). What’s even better is when you can provide them with toys to keep them entertained longer. What’s not better is when said tools are misused and single girls who are trying to pretend like they are on a beach, with a man, and fruity drinks. Watch where you aim those nerf water guns you sweet little monsters. Someday you’ll understand.

3. ¬†Making out. STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. ESPECIALLY if you are older. If you appear to be in your mid forties sporting a tween bikini and your man is wearing affliction swim trunks AND you simply showed up to sit on the side of the pool and stick your tongue down each other’s throats all while hugging a little too tightly‚Ķ‚Ķ.then I reserve the right to text every friend that will listen to me and post on every social media site I am on judging you. Yes, only God can judge. But I also believe God wouldn’t approve of you in that behavior (especially when kids with nerf guns are present)‚Ķ‚Ķ..and I refuse to believe that God’s sense of humor includes sending you to the pool to make me jealous of your make out session. It took all I had not to chunky dunk beside them to break it up.

4. ¬†One girl of a bigger size showed up in a tshirt and long shorts. I felt bad for her. She was doing little things to position herself well and kept looking around as if she was worried people were looking. She also looked uncomfortably hot. I remember being that girl. I refrained from giving her my influencer “love yourself” talk but it did make me thankful for my journey. It took a LONG time to layout in front of total strangers in a swimsuit (thank you Carnival cruise 2013 for solving most of my swimsuit self esteem problems). My swimsuit is actually probably 7 years old because the process of swimsuit buying makes me physically ill (and the last time I did it before my cruise in 2013, I left Dillards crying). But‚Ķ.I promised myself in 2014 that I would be kind to myself. And I would do things for my mental health whether they made me comfortable or not. Laying out at the pool is one of my most favorite escapes. So, I bought two new swimsuits and paraded myself right down to that pool all weekend. I didn’t even flinch when barbie entered with her posse. I just laid there. On my stomach, butt exposed, hair pulled up and headphones in. I didn’t even suck in when I walked by what appeared to be a single dad on my way to get in for 2 minutes to cool off (2 minutes is all you could stand‚Ķ.the water was COLD). Plus, he was wearing Hanes underwear with his swim trunks (i know this because they were sticking out) so he has no room to pass judgement on me ūüôā I didn’t even run inside when I discovered I missed a spot shaving and knew that if anyone got close enough they could be startled. Nope. I just laid there. And pretended like I was a million miles away. And it was the best thing I could’ve done for myself.

5. ¬†I am declaring arm exposure this summer. Every summer I stress out so much over the opinions of others should I wear sleeveless shirts or dresses. What will they say? Will they be concerned that my elbows have suffocated being covered up by my flabby upper arms that seem to be drooping over them now? Will men not find me attractive? UGH‚Ķ‚Ķso tired just typing that. Guess what? I DO NOT CARE. I am a woman with hot flashes like no other. I am a woman who needs to do more than serious toning efforts. But, the retail industry isn’t making it any easier on us when they make 99% of their summer tops to expose the arms. And, in case you didn’t catch it earlier. I’m hot. ALL THE TIME. So, for now I’m declaring that I am going to make myself be ok being sleeveless. Ask me how that goes when I’m trying to figure out what to wear to a gala on Friday night with a date. Who wants to start an arm revolution with me? Who wants to give me toning miracle tips? ūüôā

6. ¬†I crafted. A lot. Basically the last three days consisted of waking up late, going to the pool, coming back inside and crafting while watching Netflix. The pool time and the hours of alone time and crafting were better for me than I would’ve ever thought. I’ll be sharing “when poor girls craft” with you later! I need to recover from hot glue gun finger burns, paint stains on my cute manicure, exacto knife slices and failed pinterest project attempts.



HAPPY SUMMER!!! I have a feeling this is going to be one of the best ones yet! I think it’s going to be so great because I am promising myself kindness. And I think the alone time is going to be so much better than I would’ve ever imagined. Love yourself. Jump in the pool. 20140526-223759-81479503.jpg

Stubbornness Counts

One of my favorite little surprises in my new little book was this page that said “Stubbornness Counts”. I chuckled when I first read it. I am one of the most stubborn people I know. Hands down it is in the top three characteristics that make up “Alicia Fancy Pants”. And it is quite possibly the number 1 reason I stay single. ūüôā

My stubbornness has always been explained to me as a hinderence. If I could just be less stubborn, I would get this or that or this situation would be much easier on me. For the most part, there is quite a bit of truth to that. I can look back on many situations and see where my stubbornness created unnecessary hurdles for myself. Even my parents tell me for as far back as they can remember and before I could even speak, I was stubborn. When I came across this picture I felt like it was almost validating me to some extent in that moment. I am not in the best place I have ever been right now. If I were being completely transparent I would tell you that I’m tired. Overwhelmed. Out of those strong emotions has come a heavier than normal dose of stubborn lately. But in a way that I think was long overdue. I am finally demanding more for myself in the dating world and although currently it has left me with “nobody on the list” of potential suitors (when normally there are 2 or 3 at a time), I’m ok with that. I feel stronger.

Who knew a little crab on a picture labeled as “Stubbornness Counts” would make me realize that stubborn isn’t always bad. If I look back on the times where stubborn has been the major factor in my situations, there are more times than not that I’m glad it was present.

Had I not been stubborn and dead set on “truth”, I would have went back to the abusive situation I escaped. I would have fallen for the lies to get me back and I would have ended up caught in a cycle that I might not have ever been able to break free from.

Had I not been stubborn¬†with a guy who apparently only wants to see me when he is in town on business, I would’ve ended up in his hotel room late at night which probably would’ve lead to mountains of guilt in the following days for allowing him to think my only value is late at night when it’s convenient for him.

Had I not been stubborn in pursuing something bigger for myself, I would still be married, on a farm, in a two bedroom concrete house with no identity other than what my mother-in-law allowed.

Had I not been stubborn and stood up for myself in my evaluation at my last job, I would have still been labeled as something I am not and still been miserable working under someone who got enjoyment out of belittling me daily.

The list goes on. But more times than not, my stubbornness has counted for the better. I’m happy with that. It doesn’t always make things as easy as they probably could be. It doesn’t always make me popular in the least. It even annoys me sometimes. But, it was given to me for a reason and I gladly wear it as part of my daily armor. For that, I will never apologize.

What’s a trait you have that you have been viewing as bad when it could be the best part of your daily armor?

Declaration of “limbdependance”

Earlier yesterday, I made this happy little post in social media land. As if I not bold enough already, I was now declaring to be even bolder.


Love this little book a sweet friend got for me! Even though its tiny and each page has just one little saying, I discovered how much of it applies to where I am at today. Starting with these few images. I am losing the ability to fear outcomes. Ok, maybe not losing it but not letting it control what I go after as much. Today, I start finding more limbs to go out on. I will stop thinking “i should do” or “i wish i could” and actually do. Cute guy at the grocery store? I am going to strike up conversation. In the mood for breakfast and nobody to accompany me? Going anyway. Not posting a blog because nobody probably reads them….not anymore. Today I start “doing” more and smiling no matter what the outcome is!!! Love who you are. #journey #selflove #selfcare

And then came this….


Remember that whole “going out on a limb” business earlier??? Well….i decide to boldly ask someone to dinner. It just happens to be a guy WHO APPROACHED me at a restaurant last week. We visited for two hours. He wrote the note you see here and then showed up at a party my friends invited him to on Saturday (he knew nobody there so we all assumed he showed up out of interest for me). We were all confused as to why he would show up since he had not been returning my texts only to find out he wrote down the wrong number (which he blamed on his intoxication). So…anyway….there seemed to be obvious interest :-). Until he just tells me that he only wants to go to dinner as friends. Did he see me saturday in full light and change his mind? I mean i was even wearing a dress when i first met him and my legs were exposed AND i had cankles. By Saturday I am in a cute cardigan and ankle jeans. Now he just wants to be friends? Everyone thinks women are crazy. And most of us are. But at least we arent confusing ūüôā
OH WELL…I declared earlier I would smile through it with no regrets…..so ūüėÉ moving right along!!! (He had bad grammar anyway so maybe being friends can at least teach him the correct form of “you’re”)