Tag Archives: single

Foreign Parenting for the Faux Mom


Taking on the adventure of hosting a 16 year old foreign exchange student for someone who has never had kids is not for the weak. I didn’t think that I would have too much to say about it. Then, I looked in the mirror and remembered who I was talking to. OF COURSE I have a lot to say!
I decided to start logging the journey via this blog since my normal writing material of dating adventures has come to a screeching halt (mostly because I am choosing to believe my current non-existent dates, patience in distance and growing as a person is going to work out better than any of the previous sport dating did)! It might have also migrated to this part of the interwebs because one status update to capture the daily “log” was monopolizing my friend’s Facebook newsfeeds. So, come along with me on this short journey. It cannot possibly be dull!!
Meet the sweetest teenager in the world. Monica is staying with me from Spain for the school year!

Now, on to the notes!
Case of the Mondays parenting notes 8.31.15:

1. It will most likely only be funny to me, but, I was explaining that I hate the M word to Monica tonight but she wasn’t understanding. We let it go and a bit later she wants me to explain “dat word moisty” to her again. Ha. Moisty does make moist a little more tolerable I suppose!
2. Tanker (The best dog in the world. Just look at that face!) had an accident in her bathroom (It was quite terrible actually after he has been a bit “inactive” in the bowel dept lately). She volunteers to clean it since I was cooking dinner. I hear gagging and dramatics coming from the bathroom and cannot stop laughing. I tell her to grab the mop and I will show her how to load it. She brings the vacuum. American home ec lesson to follow. 


3. I clicked on two parent articles that I saw friends had shared. And read them intently….cause I am a real faux parent now…and that’s what we do….read about how to be a smarter parent right?
4. I wrote. With an actual pen on actual paper. It felt so so so good. I can’t wait to look back on these journalings when I am 80 and remember such good times. At 80 they probably won’t be “memories” as much as completely new information since I will most likely be senile by then. I just hope that I can fill in the gaps between journal entries since my average time is about 1-2 years apart for each entry!!!
5. As I typed this, I sneezed. If you have ever heard my sneeze, imagine it way louder and completely unexpected. Monica will probably never be the same. (Someone actually recorded it once when I had enough warning to give them and I have attached it here for your judging pleasure. And NO, it is NOT “that” kinda sound pervs)!!!



Click HERE to hear the sneeze

The Gym – A Romance Novel


What better way to return to the blogosphere than a gym disaster story!

Tonight’s gym story is a bit of a romance novel (ok maybe a half of a page out of a romance novel – anyway)….. There I was, power walking like I had not a care in the world and like I had the lungs of a skinny 20 year old….when this guy comes over from the weights and gets on the treadmill next to me. He was shorter than I care for but I try to stay pretty open these days and I am liking flats more than heels anyway these days. He had been eyeing me as he walked up. There were several treadmills open so the fact that he chose the one next to me was a pretty good indicator that he was into me. Maybe he witnessed Monday night’s bra incident (where my strap came undone and one of “the girls” went running free) and he was hoping for more action tonight. 

Either way, it was the setting for the perfect love story. Our eyes would meet. He would smile. I would smile. He would say “I like your speed and incline”. I would giggle and blush. He would ask me out and the rest would be history and a story for the grandkids. 
He starts jogging. I start jogging. He says “oh, do you like spotify? I have been thinking of subscribing” (so you’re creepin on my phone. Trying to see what I have goin on. I like it)
Then it went bad. 
“Oh I love it. It’s worth every penny so far.” Now, had I stopped there, we might have had something. But, I did not stop there. Instead of saving the next things in my head for a letter to Spotify and the artists that I was referring to, I unload on treadmill boy. 
“Well, I should clarify. It is great for sure. But Garth Brooks and Taylor Swift aren’t on there. I am not ashamed to like Garth out loud. I just haven’t come to terms with saying that I like Taylor out loud just yet. Don’t get me wrong, the more I learn about her, the more I like her. She is super connected to her fans. As a marketer, I appreciate her engagement. It seems authentic. And that’s the only real way to reach your audience these days. You have to be authentic. I think Garth probably engages too. But mostly old school. I have heard his concerts are great! Have you ever been?”
Yep. All of that with barely a breath in between sentences. Then I take a drink of water to give him a chance to answer. I am also lightly (and by lightly I mean barely) jogging still at this point. 
Then….i start choking. Not a little bit choking. A whole lot. The red face kind of choking. Where tears are rolling down my face and I can’t catch my breath choking. 
In an effort not to lose the potential romance, or to save what microlove might be left, I try to keep going like I am not essentially convulsing. 
Only on the treadmill for approximately five minutes, he leaves. Never to be seen again. I excuse myself to the bathroom and try to figure out how to dig a tunnel out of the building so that I don’t have to face the scene I left so abruptly. No dice. Looks like I will just do the walk of shame. 
I guess I will just go back to my “safe zone” of pining away for an ex that will never want me back. That seems to be my comfort zone these days. Just hang out in “neverland” where at least I don’t have to share my covers or force myself to “be out there” in unguarded heart land. That’s a scary place. 😝
I wish this was exaggerated or made up. The hardest thing to believe in all of it? That I never fell! I can’t wait to go back to the gym. 

Fact Friday


I am spending the day recovering from a hard core week at Walmart Shareholders and Associate Expo. I was on my feet literally all week and can’t wait for the chiropractor to call me back and get “cracked”. I consumed a gazillion calories from all the vendors food at the expo and am a beautiful golden brown from all the sun I soaked up being outside all day for 4 days straight.

In addition to getting my hips aligned, I plan on spending the afternoon drenched in documentaries and random facts. I love to learn about most anything. A perfect day of rejuvenation for me includes documentaries, chocolate, and naps. If I could customize my cable package it would include the History, Discovery, and ID channels only. All day everyday.

Learning a new random fact literally makes my heart beat faster. I am known at work for spouting out random facts all day and work things like “orca whales can travel at 70mph” into any conversation that I can. I am shamelessly addicted to the Uberfacts Twitter account.

We all should know random things :-) it just makes us more fun to converse with. Who knows, maybe one day my random Orca knowledge will be what brings me across the man of my dreams. He will hear me spouting off whale facts, Auschwitz stats, New York City in the 30s notes and suddenly realize I am the woman he has been looking for. He will run to me in an open field with a bouquet of flowers and we will walk off into the sunset. :-) No? Ok. Clearly I am beyond exhausted and need to bring it back to reality.

HAPPY FRIDAY folks!!! Thanks for entertaining my tired mind and blog today. With that, I bring you a random panda fact. You’re welcome!!!


Why I’m Not Pregnant….a comedy


Happy “random stuff Alicia thinks about that makes no sense” Friday!!! :)  Take a listen to my thoughts on child birthing.



birthing funny

The Chemical Life



Well.  It has happened.  I have entered the world of chemicals.  I always thought I would not ever need them or that I would just embrace aging and accept that things change as you get older.  That’s what I thought until I met gravity.  And age.  Now, all bets are off.  The only thing standing in my way of tummy tucks, botox, and a boob lift is the fact that I am poor and that as far as I know there are no single plastic surgeons around here for me to date.
I am “that girl” that is willing to try anything that promises even remotely improving or stopping the aging process.  I spend a silly amount of time researching home remedies.  Time, that I realize could be spent in the gym which might help more than anything.  In my quest to hang on to what little young and feisty cells I have left, I thought I would share some of my fails and prize finds with you.  I assume you could use the entertainment and I could use the confession.  So, until someone comes along to make me their project in the makeover process, I will continue on my less wrinkle journey.  Wanna come with me?
  1.  Prize find:  Nerium AD cream.  A friend introduced me to this when she became an independent consultant.  I LOVE this product.  I could tell the most change (Or more immediate change) was actually in my cleavage area.  Although the boobs are headed south for more than the winter, this product has done a great job of making that area look younger.  You know those old ladies that have that one wrinkle in the cleavage area?  Not me!  What’s even more awesome is that my friend is no pushy about trying to shove a million dollars worth of product down my throat.  She simply offered the product for me to try.
  2. Prize find – Alicia fail:  Sally Hansen facial hair remover.  This product is great…….when used correctly.  Starting the hair removal process is more of a commitment than I was prepared for.  Ok, it was more of a commitment than I have probably had to anything in the last 12 years.  Once you start, you have to keep it up.  Be careful that you don’t leave it on too long.  There is definitely a magic number of time for each person.  I have yet to perfect that part of the routine so think nothing of it when you see splotches of burned skin or patches of peach fuzz on my face.
  3. FAIL: Honey and lemon remedies.  I have read many uses for this such as blackhead help (much needed for me), hair masks, etc.  Thus far, every recipe I have tried has failed miserably.  For example, the face remedy it offered ended up with a slime like mess running down my neck and even got in my nose somehow.  Then I fell asleep waiting on it to dry and panicked when I woke up and had forgotten what I had done.
  4. FAIL: making your own pore strips.  I can’t even remember the recipe but I do remember how horrid it smelled and how hard it was to get off.  Those pretty pictures the blogger posted made it look like I would never be buying pore strips again.
  5. SUPER PRIZE:  Cocunut oil.  I could write a blog on it and all the wonderful things it has done for me that would be a small book.  But just go with me on this one and read up on it from people who have way better writing skills than me.  It is like a miracle treatment for everything.  I use it for my dry skin as a lotion.  I use it as a hair mask.  I take pill forms of it and haven’t had my blood pressure prescription filled since.  I had a gimp toenail issue solved.  The list goes on.  It is a staple in my house.
  6. Prize:  Water.  As much as I hate to admit this one because for one it’s just boring and for two I hate admitting that “they” are right…..they are.  I drank over 100oz a day for 21 days and got more compliments on my skin.  I didn’t look bloated.  My skin was smoother and fuller.  And then I fell off the wagon (because that is what I do).  But!!!  I am hoping back on and have a new hot pink water jug to prove it.  This jug is sold at Family Dollar and is 100oz.  I fill it up in the morning and don’t have to keep tabs on how much I have drank.  I just know I have to make it through the jug.
So, what are your secrets?


Babyless Single Woman Enters Nursery War Zone


Ok.  So, maybe it wasn’t a complete war zone (although judging by the amount of toys pulled out it could certainly pass for at least a mine field) but it certainly was the night they let a single woman be in charge of the nursery.  And it was not without obstacles.

Once per month, I signed up to volunteer for babysitting.  I get to watch precious kiddos while foster parents take the classes they need to qualify for fostering.  It’s a GREAT program called The Call.  I am so happy to get to be a part of helping families open up their homes to sweet kids who have become a part of the system for whatever reason.  So far, I have only had one night of this and it was with one sweet four year old boy who was very low maintenance.  For my second night, I was given the babies.  The following are the happenings of that adventure:

1.  I had 5 children that ranged from the ages of 4 months through 2 years.  I also was fortunate to have a young girl as a helper.  I cannot remember a time in my life that I was ever around this many children of these young ages.  I am confident in my ability to handle this situation because I manage million dollar programs in my job, kids love me, and I have all this new found energy with my detox challenge.  I accept my mission gladly.

2.  I quickly learned that the average attention span for this age is about 4.2 seconds.  I have always wondered why parents buy this age so many toys.  How will they remember them or why would they care how many toys they have?  Now I know.  Because with the attention span of 4.2 seconds, you need at least 8,000,004 toys to go through.  It is rare that they go back to the same toy twice.  Or it was tonight anyway….believe me, I tested this theory to the fullest.

3.  Even though these kids could not talk well, that did not keep you from seeing the 5 completely different personalities.  The more I think about it, fitting those little and widely different personalities into a closed room is much like a lot of the adult meetings I have on a daily basis.  Too bad when one of the adults takes my toys, I can’t say “mine” and hit them like these kids do so freely! : )

4.  For the ones that could speak tonight, the common sentence stated was “mine”.  Yes, that is a sentence to them.  It states boldly a noun, verb, adjective and so forth : )

5.  At first, when little miss two year old had her melt down over not getting anymore Goldfish for snack (after she had already had two helpings and some cheese puffs) I wondered what on earth had gone so wrong in her day that no more Goldfish warranted this kind of melt down. Then, I realized how eery it was that I could relate.  I am on day 7 of a 21 day detox and sat and watched coworkers eat Chuy’s Mexican food at lunch today (my fav Mexican in this area).  Inside I was having a melt down of my own and restraining myself from stealing food off of their plates.  We have more in common than you know during this melt down princess.

6.  This age group has zero interest in my Mega Bloks tower that I strategically built.  All I wanted was a little praise and all they wanted was to destroy it with their tractors, trucks, and precious little hands.  I will address with my therapist, it’s already on my list : )

7.  Actually no.  No I cannot work the child safety door knobs.  But thanks for making it look so easy sixth grade girl helper.  She didn’t know I couldn’t work them.  I just secretly watched her and copied.

8.  The mom of the four month old stated that the baby will not drink the bottle unless it’s warm.  Lucky for me, there was this gadget on the top shelf that looked like it might be a bottle warmer.  I have no idea how I even knew this but I just had a feeling (maybe that’s code for my biological clock?….oh…wait…..).  I plug it in and push a button and expect it to work.  When it doesn’t (after several pushes of the button), I resort to pulling out my phone and googling it.  I watched a YouTube video as well as read two articles in order to learn this gadget.  The bottle was warmed.  The baby was happy.  The end.

9.  You cannot ignore the smell of a dirty diaper.  You can be in denial about it but you cannot ignore it.  I feel like the fact that I located the source (since I had three in diapers to choose from), changed the diaper (even though the kid WOULD NOT be still), and knew where to dispose the diaper (in those tube like things that seem to work like a bank drive through), that I can definitely conquer the world like I have planned.

10.  I have helped pick up friend’s kids at daycares and such before and am always barely getting in by the last minute if not late all together.  I completely understand why these places charge you by the minute if you’re late.  When you are given a time that you are to be in a room with wild banshies, you start watching the clock for the countdown of your relief.  It’s the moment you know that your sanity may return.  Every minute past that proposed end time and you feel like you may never know what it’s like to talk to another adult, wear a spit-up free shirt, wear other scents besides hand sanitizer…….I completely get it now and will be a loud advocate for being on time to pick up your child.  Should a parent be late for any reason (which I have seen those reasons on other volunteer projects be something as simple as standing out in the lobby chatting) they should show up with chocolate, prozac, or a massage gift certificate for the worker staying late to keep their child.  Especially if that care is free.  : ) *please note* this did not happen during this particular session I am speaking of.  It just made me think of the times that it has happened to others I know as well as me being the late one sometimes in the past.

11.  They did enjoy my singing them a few little songs which is more than I can say for my coworkers who never seem to fully appreciate the daily desk concerts I give them.

Overall it was a fantastic time.  I love kids so much more than I could ever convey here. I gladly take most any opportunity to be around them.  I only had them for two hours or so and am already wondering how on earth you parents do it full time.  I worked all day, did baby duty, worked when I got home, and am barely staying awake to type this.  Being a parent is a super power of it’s own.  If you’ve read this far, thanks for hanging in there.  I am too tired to even give this a thorough spell check, grammar check (not that my grammar is ever great on this blog) or format check.  I’m having a hard time even talking myself into changing into my jammies.  I feel more like it’s been one of those nights back in my old party days where I just went home and passed out on my bed “as is”.

I finally understand how no sound can be an amazing sound as I sat in silence for 5 minutes after they all left soaking up the peace and thanking God for the chaos that came before it!

Life is good.  I am so blessed with people who are willing to let me share their kids in absence of being able to have my own. This post was meant for humor purposes from my random mind only and not to offend.



Girl things



I am honestly missing coffee and not in clear thinking land yet today.  So, all I have for you is some completely random thoughts about being a girl.  Sorry guys (even though it might give you some insight into us ladies!).

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Is it better to have short stubby nails and paint them or try to keep up with acrylic overlays/fills?  I have oily nail beds and the most brittle nails of anyone I know.  It’s really annoying to pay for a “full set” and it only last a week at the most.  I love a good manicure as much as the next girl and I truly get about 37% heartbroken when a nail breaks (ok, that was a bit dramatic – the heartbreak is temporary I promise).  Nail life shouldn’t be this hard.  To be continued……..

I was keeping my fingers crossed that the mullet skirts and shirts were out for spring/summer this year.  However, I have seen three commercials featuring them today.  Sure, they work for cute, skinny people.  But for a thicker girl, it’s no win.  Sure, the mullet feature (business in the front, party in the back) from the backside helps with some coverage.  But now, there is a shorter front exposing the Goodyear tire that is my torso.  As for the mullet skirts I’m sorry I just can’t love them.  I can’t promise that if I have a pair of scissors around someone wearing one that I wouldn’t follow her around and cut it off.  Ultimately it just seems like an indecisive fashion statement that someone made.  You know, there they were designing great clothes and were torn on long or short so the made it both and someone caught on enough to blow it up.  Stop.

It’s almost time for spring (thank goodness after a crappy winter).  That means it’s almost time to change from my fall purse to my spring purse.  That’s about as often as I change.  I never caught on to changing purses all the time (although my mom is a pro at it so I’m not sure how I missed that gene).  I love a big purse.  With that much space, comes much packing.  I should start picking purses based on the amount of chiropractor visits I think it’s going to cause : ) !  I recently purchased one of the “As Seen on TV” purse organizers (side note, I have a weakness for ASOT purchases).  I am currently waiting on it to come in the mail and as I wait I can’t decide if I’m excited about organization, sad about needing it because my bag is so big, or embarrassed because it seems like only old ladies might enjoy it.  Do you feel me?

I hate razors.  Or, I should say, I hate buying razors.  It punches me in the gut every time I shop and need them to put in the basket.  Why are they so expensive?  I mean, I’m single, nobody is going to be touching my legs……so why not just skip shaving all together?  Ha!  If only!  But seriously, who are these razor making bazillion aires and why do they make them so expensive?  Even disposable razors are getting expensive.  In my opinion, this is all very lame.

Single shopping at the grocery store is a missed opportunity for me.  I am contemplating doing a study about this.  I’m not sure what the study would prove or whom it would benefit but it just seems like it needs to be explored.  I visited the local Fresh Market after my jog on Sunday.  There were single men everywhere (I assume they were single since they were not wearing a ring).  I even ended up on the same aisle as one of the cuties shopping around only to realize I was staring at men’s products.  I exited quickly.  I wanted to approach at least two of the guys I came across.  And I should.  Why not?  For some reason as outgoing as I am, I clam up in this area like you wouldn’t even believe.  What do you say?  Oh I love that organic coconut milk too, what’s your number? Plus I was still in my workout clothes and sporting a headband that said, “will run for margaritas”, WITH a uniboob (compliments of my sports bra).  So, let’s think about this for next time.  What is the best way to approach a guy in the grocery store?  I feel like I need a playbook.  Go.

That’s what’s on my mind for a Monday morning.  I am so excited for a great week ahead!  Make it great!  I am challenging myself to do one thing different every day even if it’s small.  Won’t you join me?  Let me know how it goes!