Category Archives: Dungeons and Douchebags Series

Dungeons and Douchebags……and donuts

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Although I have taken myself off “online dating” sites, it doesn’t relieve me of interactions with past “dudes” I have had encounters with.  I am happy to say that currently, I am “taking it slow” with someone in hopes of it possibly working out to “happily ever after” but figure that it shouldn’t stop my D&D stories.  It actually makes me appreciate the “just taking it slow” process quite a bit more.  Usually at the end of typing out a beautiful story for you to read, I end up thinking “man, I’m thankful that I am not dealing with any of the currently”.

I would never have written about Steve (I honestly can’t even remember if that’s his name).  He wasn’t anything too exciting in the way of lame material to blog about.  Nice guy.  No real red flags or weird issues.  And honestly we both had pretty much admitted that there was no dating interest there, but enjoyed having a few drinks after work from time to time.  We usually ended up comparing stories about online dating interactions.  I would almost feel worse after his stories because I would see the crazy women he would get messages from and think “ok, I know I am way more normal than this and yet, I’m not having any luck on here”.  I am proud to say I never contemplated mimicking any of the pics he showed me of women such as the lady laid out across her bed in fuzzy Hello Kitty pajama pants and a tank top making a kiss face.  But it doesn’t mean I didn’t wonder what the heck was going on.

Steve and I lost touch.  I hope it wasn’t because of the girl I saw him out with one night in the 80′s shirt and feather bangs.  But, I guess if she swept him off his feet, then congrats to him.  I was irritated that we lost touch at first because I wasn’t even trying to date him.  I was simply a nice person being nice to someone who had just moved here.  We were not exchanging jokes via text anymore.  I was being ignored for whatever reason and I was not happy about it.  That’s just rude.  But, I also know you can’t chase.  And I wouldn’t want to whip out my crazy chasing card on someone I knew I would never date anyway :)

HOWEVER, it does not matter what status you were with a guy, there are certain moments that just don’t help your cause and create small mortifications in a woman’s life.

One of those moments is when you have tried to be “Miss Cool”, you quit talking to/seeing someone and then they catch you at a stop light with your windows down, music up, making sweet sweet love to a Krispy Kreme donut.  Especially when you’re already a “thick” girl.  There I was, treating myself to a donut (just one I swear).  One of my favorite songs was on the radio.  The sunroof was open.  The windows were down.  I was eating that donut like I just got out of prison.  And I hear someone say “hey you”.  I look over, sugar frosting all over my mouth, to see Steve.  Greeeeaaaattttttttttt.

Wait!  What the heck do I care?  I don’t owe Steve anything.  I don’t have to explain myself to him (or anybody).  I am proud to be eating a donut dang it!

And then he says “hey girl, what you been up to?? Do you still workout at that one gym you were going to?  What was the name of it?”.  Really?  Do you think you’re cute Steve (a 38 year old man with a jacked up mister truck that you need a step stool to get into)?  Well, you’re not.  And, that beard doesn’t look right on you either.  I just wave and say “hey!” and quickly take off as soon as the light turns green.  I get a text from him later that says “we should catch up sometime, it’s been a while.  Maybe we could go for a walk”.

No.  We should not catch up.  You have ignored me for months.  And no, I don’t wanna go on a walk with you.  Why are you stalking me about exercise Steve?  I want to eat a donut.  And maybe another one after that.

Ok, so maybe Steve was just trying to have conversation.  And of course I know he really isn’t too much of a dbag (even though the ignoring definitely didn’t help his cause).  I mean I’ve dealt with worse.  And maybe I know that the real issue here is my insecurity about being big and eating a donut and knowing I could make better eating choices. :)

But, knowing all of that, I also still know and am convicted in my belief that you should be who you are.  And in the dating world (especially in the cruel dating world), you do not dare let some person you barely met online make you feel any less than amazing!  The right guy will eat a donut with you.  And if he wants you to be healthier and go for a walk, he will be smart about his approach and craft something like “hey babe, wanna go shopping at the mall” and get you to walk that way :)

 

 

Dungeons and Douchebags with a twist…..Meet Mr. Cooper

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After posting the story of Jacob I had a friend call and say that he was concerned for my “singleness”.  He expressed that he worries that because I have a full cup of “I don’t give a crap” and will happily bust out men via the web that I am in turn scaring other men off who might be interested out of fear that I will blog about them.  I appreciate the concern.  I may be single forever if that’s the case.  And I’m ok with that.  Because the man for me isn’t easily intimidated by me and knows that if he treats me right, I would have nothing but great things to say about him.  I’m a lot to handle.  I’m not for the weak.  And I couldn’t be more proud of that actually.  I fought like mad to get to where I am today.  I am happy and my life is fantastic.  There is zero reason for me to interrupt that with a relationship with anyone less than amazing and someone who will only amplify what I already have going.

ANYWAY!  Just to show I am not a complete man hater :) if I’m going to bust a tool, I might as well also showcase some of the good ones I have come across.  Now, allow me to introduce Mr. Cooper.
The great Aaron Cooper
I recently met Aaron Cooper on a dating site.  I can’t even remember how I came across him but I remember his profile being HILARIOUS.  I love funny people whether we are a good match for dating or not.  I am also finding more and more on the dating site that I am just happy to meet new people and have much more success with that than actually dating anyone on there.  I could tell from his profile that he is more than quick witted and probably enough of a brat to keep me on my toes.  Quite honestly it is just refreshing to come across someone who doesn’t take the dating site too seriously.  Although his profile “about me” section was completely done in good humor, you could still sense by his photos with friends that he is at least somewhat put together upon first review.
Here is a small snipit of his online dating profile (read left to right, it’s worth it).
Aaron's Dating Profile
I wish I had our email correspondence to display here but since I am not active on that site any longer, I can’t retrieve it.  I don’t know that it would have been that entertaining anyway.  I think it went something like me messaging him telling him it was the best profile I had come across and that I was making him my next “dude of the day”.  I’m pretty sure I also declared that we should be friends.  Maybe it was more like begging him to be my friend but either way he seemed game so how it came to that doesn’t really matter.  :)  Side note – Dude of the Day is a group email that I send out showcasing some of the online dating’s finest profiles.  And by finest profiles, I mean the lamest.  I was excited to share Aaron’s profile as a twist to the daily email and show that maybe there is hope.
Aaron lives 3 hours away from me and for a host of other reasons the reality is we will probably never date.  I think that has actually made it more fun to get to know him because there is no pressure of impressing him or trying to “woo” him with my charm.  We have become Facebook friends and although I seem to be a bit more serious than he is, I love that our humor is in the same ball park.  I wish I was as bold as him on some of my posts.  When people comment to me “Oh Alicia you have no filter, your posts are funny, you’ll share anything” I want to say “oh, meet my virtual friend Aaron, I can’t hold a candle to him”.  I would provide a link to his page for you all to go friend him too but he is on hiatus from Facebook until he loses 20 pounds.
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Without senselessly rambling too much further, let me just say this about the great Aaron Cooper.  He is beyond funny (just look at the pic of himself he is willing to post), easy on the eyes (in my opinion), has more charm in his pinky than the last 20 guys I have been out with, loves his children (and if I can tell how great of a dad he is thus far without even meeting him yet, imagine how great he must really be in person), isn’t too proud to write sappy things about his dad or other family members declaring his love, is real, has a great man voice (inside joke), seems to be kick butt at his job and loves it, and has been nothing but kind to me.  Even past girls have rated him on the app LuLu with great reviews (yes, it’s an app that rates men.  It’s girls only and highly entertaining).  His conversations keep me on my toes and challenge me because none of my normal “tricks” or bs work on him.  I am so happy to have his random chats throughout the day to get me through crazy work days and whether he knows it or not, just knowing him in this short time already and the way he carries himself in our virtual friendship makes me want to be a better person.
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I am excited to meet him eventually in person and hopefully laugh as hard as I do now when I correspond with him (and for him to embrace being friends with a “big” girl and get a glimpse into life from a big girl dating perspective).  I have recruited him to be “the guy side” of my book I’m hoping to finish in this lifetime and look forward to putting together “epicness” to share with planet Earth.  I can already tell he is a heartbreaker and can’t wait to see him find the woman of his dreams!
Thank you Aaron Cooper for being a decent and funny human and giving the online dating world hope!

Dungeons and Douchebags Series….Meet Jacob

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Sigh…..I was just bragging about how I hadn’t met anyone who fit this category enough to blog about them and then Jacob happened.  Normally I wouldn’t be too bothered by a guy not working out that I met online.  But this guy…….this guy has me all kinds of worked up and not in a good way.
Meet Jacob.  I was going to disguise his name and such but am just too mad to give him any protection.  He doesn’t deserve it at this point.
Jacob is a 35 year old online dater.  His profile pic on the dating website was nice enough to know that he was extremely good looking (in my opinion) but still not too clear.  Jacob messaged me, which was nice since I am usually the aggressor and contact most guys first.  Then the following happened.  You can draw your own conclusion about Jacob, I am just going to list the facts.  Also, during this list, there will be a few points where you probably will think to yourself “well, that’s obvious, you should’ve stopped talking to him then”.  I agree with you.  But when I know they are being snakes, it does something within me that makes me want to dig further and gather info to later call them out.  I also realize that probably is some serious issue deep within that I should seek therapy for (I mean I can’t be some douchebag busting super hero I guess).  ANYWAY, “it is what it is” today for the story telling purposes of this blog. :)
  1.  Jacob messages me on the site and says “you are super sexy”.  I reply how nice that was to hear.  We continue to message back and forth and later exchange numbers.  I am always leary of super hot guys on these sites.  For one, I am not a “hot guy” attractor.  I’m just not.  I usually do better with the nerds and I am more than ok with that.  It’s not secret that I am not a super model in the least, so when an unusually attractive man reaches out, I am always suspicious.  (again, an issue I’ll save for my therapist)     photo 3
  2. We start texting.  Jacob is a little bit more flirty than I am comfortable with so soon but I also realize that I have been quite the prude lately and figure it won’t hurt to try to be more open to compliments and flirting.  Plus, he sent me a pic of himself through text and I’m not gonna lie….I was a sucker.  He is a beautiful human.
  3. Because I am a typical girl (and do not even try to act like this is crazy – just because I am about to admit to it doesn’t make me crazy – honey every girl does her own research whether she admits it or not) I do a little Facebook research.  I type in Jacob’s number in the search bar of Facebook and BAM, there he is.  Jacob G.  I pull up his Facebook profile to see that his profile picture was updated on 5/24.  It’s a sweet pic of him and his little girl sitting on a 4-wheeler……….and on his hand is a wedding ring.  Nice.  Then, if you scroll further, you see another profile pic was posted on 5/23 of him with a beautiful woman (much prettier than I am for sure!).  Sweet.  IF, I am going to be open minded and give him the benefit of the doubt, that was three weeks ago so maybe he is NEWLY single.
  4. I text Jacob and say “so, do you have Facebook”.  He replies “no”.  Oh, interesting because I just found you on there.  He explains it as his ex has his login info and must be posting it for him.  He says he has it all cleared up now and do I see his profile anymore.  Nope, sure don’t.  Glad you got that fixed buddy.   photo 4photo-7
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  5. We talk on the phone briefly after work and he has to let me go to change his daughter’s diaper. He says he will call me back shortly.  I text him and ask if we can talk later since I am cooking dinner and such.  He says “yeah, text first though”…..hmmm, why’s that?   photo 1-1
  6.  We continue to text some and I try to call him later to which he explains he can’t talk because his daughter fell asleep on his chest.  Oh.  Ok.  photo 3-1
  7. This morning bright and early he is texting me being all charming and such.  But I just don’t trust him.  So when I’m having coffee with a coworker and telling her about this situation, she pulls up her Facebook app on her phone and searches for him.  Well, would you looky here…….there is hot Jacob’s profile.  Sooooo, you basically just used my trick of putting in my phone number, finding my Facebook profile and blocking me.  Genius.  Except that I’m not dumb.  I choose to “address” everything in reply to his “sad face” text when he asks if I am daydreaming about him and I say “no” :) .  I then send him this book of a text to which I have received no reply (and probably never will).  I’m not even sure why I was even the least bit nice, but I felt like I was compared to what I was thinking.  :)  photo-8

I am beyond mad.  Not for myself.  I have thick skin.  Be a douchebag to me, that’s fine, I’ll just blog about it.  But how many women is he hitting on and flirting with that he is also clearly not being honest with?  It’s just not necessary.  Online dating is hard enough as it is without morons like yourself doing stupid and shady stuff such as this.  And that girl in his profile pic…she is adorable.  Does she even have a clue that he is on a dating site?  Sure, women are crazy.  But guys like you provoke it.

You Jacob, deserve a swift kick in the balls.  I’m not sure if he has ever won any awards, but today, he takes the “Douchelord of the Day” award hands down.

Dungeons and Douchebags….What’s in a name? Picking the right dating name

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I probably should’ve started the series with this since that’s one of the first fields you have to pick in creating an online dating profile.  But….I honestly didn’t think about it until I saw today’s “who wants to meet you list” in my own dating notifications.  There it was, “muffdivindaddy69″……..once I saw it, I knew I had to address it.

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While I think that the “nickname” portion of the profile can be one of the most fun yet challenging parts of creating your online dating presence, I also think that not enough thought and attention has been given to it.  OR, people in general are reverting to some puberty induced teenage brain activity that makes them think presenting themselves as “muffdivindaddy69″ will “bring all the ladies” to his house.  The name you pick is equally as important as the pic you choose.  These two things are usually what pop up in search results so you want to be sure you are soliciting the right attention.
Below are my opinionated tips on things to watch out for in choosing an online dating “name”
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1.  Don’t be so cryptic that nobody is going to get what you are talking about.  So, you have this inside joke with your friends that includes some weirdo nickname they gave you.  That’s great!  I love nicknames too!  However, if no one outside your circle of friends is going to know what you’re talking about, don’t use it in your name.  The argument could be made that it would spark conversation and you could explain yourself in that conversation.  However, you risk the chance of being looked over completely.  It’s like when you’re behind a car with a custom license plate.  A bunch of letters together that are supposed to say something clever……..so you follow the person past your exit cause you just need that extra time to figure out what the heck they are trying to say on their plate.  Wait…I’m the only one who does that?  Oh, ok.
2.  Don’t be dirty.  Just stop.  It’s not cute.  And you are supposed to be an adult.  Even if a girl is surfing the profiles looking for a good time with a masked gunman, it is highly likely that your immature attempt at naming yourself something that involves “69″ is going to get her excited to look at your profile.  It’s just tacky, immature, and a host of other things.
3.  Avoid the words “prince”, “romance”, or proper names of products such as “Chevy”, “Ford”, etc.  Using the words “prince” and such make it look like you’re trying too hard.  Every guy on the internet wants me to think he could be my prince charming.  And I would venture to say that most women are way over that theory these days.  We know Disney movies lied to us about the fairy tale.  We are still trying to recover.  Using proper product names could lead us to assume you are so caught up in that product that you would be willing to name a child after it.  Which also ties into my previous advice not to include pictures of your truck in your profile.  We admire your loyalty to a brand/product and your passion for it, but we don’t want to compete with it from the get go.
4.  Be catchy and use this as an opportunity to let me know something about you.  For instance, my name is “dame-against-lames”.  Although it could be perceived as a thousand different things I’m sure, I chose it to indicate “look, I’m so over lame-o’s on this site so just know from the second you pull up this profile, I’m against lame interaction”.  It should send the message that you are probably going to have to be “quick on your feet” to catch my attention and get me to respond.  It also probably tells you that I have been online dating enough to have met a lot of guys………and that’s ok too I guess.
Ultimately, it’s your name.  Call yourself whatever you want.  But be prepared to explain it in some cases.  And in some of those cases, your explanation might not be enough to save you.