Category Archives: Dungeons and Douchebags Series

Dungeons and Douchebags: is it because you’re fat?

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Sometimes I lose my passion. Ok, not lose it necessarily, but it seems to get buried in the mundane routine of life. Then, someone comes along and ignites it. Sometimes they ignite it in unpleasant ways.

As I was leaving a meeting today, I received a notification that I had a new message on my dating app. I will admit that a giddiness comes over me when I see these notifications. The excitement isn’t even about “could this be the one” sending the message. It is more like “oh, this oughta be good. Can’t wait to see how this turns out. I need new material”. You see, online dating has merely become a source of examples as to why I am ok being single.

ANYWAY! I digress. So Da_GreatWhyte_Hype messages me today. His picture is a gorilla so my hope in seeing his name and pic in my inbox is that this guys is hilarious and that we will hit it off from a humor perspective. As usual, I was expecting too much.

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My headline on my dating profile says “Allergic to shirtless and gym selfies”. His message said “Are you allergic because you are fat”.

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Within seconds I felt a heat inside of me. Not a hot flash heat. A boiling in my stomach that spread like wildfire. I immediately started calling on Jesus to calm my nerves and save this boy from my response. But then I just assumed Jesus probably had bigger fish to fry and I would handle this guy for him. :) THEN I realized how this guy doesn’t deserve my correspondence. Ok, I only realized this part after replying with “Wow, you definitely don’t disappoint in being a prick” (since he referenced himself as such in his profile). And finally, I realize that this is opportunity to address the masses just in case there is one person out there who is interested in understanding a few things (which is also simply me venting to the masses in an effort of exercising writing therapy and refraining from getting into further argument with this douchelord).

In his defense…he is a self-proclaimed prick

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I have written before about how interesting I find it that when people have no other argument or defense with some, they automatically turn it into something completely stupid. For example when people say “oh are you all pissy because you need to take your hormone pill?”. Nope, I’m pissy because you’re a jerk. Let me explain to you (you tiny little jerk hiding behind a pic of gorilla) why I don’t care for shirtless or gym selfies.

1. Shirtless selfies: I am SO SICK of seeing guys without their shirts. I know. It feels just as weird for me to type it as it does for you to read it (especially coming from me in general – lover of men). But here is the deal dudes. If a girl reveals too much in the way she dresses, we are not leaving anything to mystery. We hear how there is nothing left to the imagination if we show off too much. It’s also pointed out that if we will share our skin with the world in the form of revealing dress and such, that what is so special about what we have for one person. If you, as a guy (or girl for that matter) are willing to put a shirtless pic of yourself online for any stranger to come across, what are you saving for me should we enter a relationship. What makes me special at this point? Every girl online has seen your chest. You’re essentially a used piece of tape to me at this point and I have no desire to use you to hold anything together :) (pardon the cheesy analogy)

2. Gym Selfies: Great! You take care of yourself! You work hard for that rocking body that you have also shown off in your little to no clothes shot. You can clearly out lift, out run, and out last me athletically based on your pic of you sweating it out in a gym alone. I guess I don’t see what you flexing in a mirror selfie at the gym is supposed to show me about you other than you love your muscles. I am sure people could argue this with me all day long and it scares me at the responses that could come flooding in defending those types of pics. But for me personally, I am just most likely going to perceive you as someone a little more stuck on themselves than I prefer. I would much rather see a pic that shows your personality and charming smile.

3. Do you know what kind of courage it takes to put yourself out there on an online dating site? There are countless people looking and probably judging you. It’s fine. And it’s even more fine if someone skips over me. Think what you want about me……to yourself. We do not know each other. We are not homies. You can look at my profile and think “nope. Big girl. Not for me”. That won’t bother me a bit. But approaching me like you did. That is just beyond rude and shows what a man of little character you are.

I am actually thankful this jerk messaged me today. Because the old Alicia would’ve called friends crying about it being true. I would’ve cried that this is why I’m alone. I would’ve cried that I’m ugly. Instead, I chose to pause. I paused then looked at myself in the mirror and made myself say something nice. I do need to lose weight. That is not a lie. That is a truth I see every time I step out of the shower. It is not however my definition. It is not the reason I do or do not And I think I had forgotten that in not liking myself a lot these days.

I am not proclaiming allergies to those types of pics because I am fat sir. I am proclaiming them out of tiredness in seeing them. I am proclaiming it in an effort to ward off messages from those that I already know probably won’t be a match. And after your message today, I clearly need to update those parameters

P.S. he added his pic. But i still think the gorilla is a better choice

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Dungeons and Douchebags……and donuts

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Although I have taken myself off “online dating” sites, it doesn’t relieve me of interactions with past “dudes” I have had encounters with.  I am happy to say that currently, I am “taking it slow” with someone in hopes of it possibly working out to “happily ever after” but figure that it shouldn’t stop my D&D stories.  It actually makes me appreciate the “just taking it slow” process quite a bit more.  Usually at the end of typing out a beautiful story for you to read, I end up thinking “man, I’m thankful that I am not dealing with any of the currently”.

I would never have written about Steve (I honestly can’t even remember if that’s his name).  He wasn’t anything too exciting in the way of lame material to blog about.  Nice guy.  No real red flags or weird issues.  And honestly we both had pretty much admitted that there was no dating interest there, but enjoyed having a few drinks after work from time to time.  We usually ended up comparing stories about online dating interactions.  I would almost feel worse after his stories because I would see the crazy women he would get messages from and think “ok, I know I am way more normal than this and yet, I’m not having any luck on here”.  I am proud to say I never contemplated mimicking any of the pics he showed me of women such as the lady laid out across her bed in fuzzy Hello Kitty pajama pants and a tank top making a kiss face.  But it doesn’t mean I didn’t wonder what the heck was going on.

Steve and I lost touch.  I hope it wasn’t because of the girl I saw him out with one night in the 80’s shirt and feather bangs.  But, I guess if she swept him off his feet, then congrats to him.  I was irritated that we lost touch at first because I wasn’t even trying to date him.  I was simply a nice person being nice to someone who had just moved here.  We were not exchanging jokes via text anymore.  I was being ignored for whatever reason and I was not happy about it.  That’s just rude.  But, I also know you can’t chase.  And I wouldn’t want to whip out my crazy chasing card on someone I knew I would never date anyway :)

HOWEVER, it does not matter what status you were with a guy, there are certain moments that just don’t help your cause and create small mortifications in a woman’s life.

One of those moments is when you have tried to be “Miss Cool”, you quit talking to/seeing someone and then they catch you at a stop light with your windows down, music up, making sweet sweet love to a Krispy Kreme donut.  Especially when you’re already a “thick” girl.  There I was, treating myself to a donut (just one I swear).  One of my favorite songs was on the radio.  The sunroof was open.  The windows were down.  I was eating that donut like I just got out of prison.  And I hear someone say “hey you”.  I look over, sugar frosting all over my mouth, to see Steve.  Greeeeaaaattttttttttt.

Wait!  What the heck do I care?  I don’t owe Steve anything.  I don’t have to explain myself to him (or anybody).  I am proud to be eating a donut dang it!

And then he says “hey girl, what you been up to?? Do you still workout at that one gym you were going to?  What was the name of it?”.  Really?  Do you think you’re cute Steve (a 38 year old man with a jacked up mister truck that you need a step stool to get into)?  Well, you’re not.  And, that beard doesn’t look right on you either.  I just wave and say “hey!” and quickly take off as soon as the light turns green.  I get a text from him later that says “we should catch up sometime, it’s been a while.  Maybe we could go for a walk”.

No.  We should not catch up.  You have ignored me for months.  And no, I don’t wanna go on a walk with you.  Why are you stalking me about exercise Steve?  I want to eat a donut.  And maybe another one after that.

Ok, so maybe Steve was just trying to have conversation.  And of course I know he really isn’t too much of a dbag (even though the ignoring definitely didn’t help his cause).  I mean I’ve dealt with worse.  And maybe I know that the real issue here is my insecurity about being big and eating a donut and knowing I could make better eating choices. :)

But, knowing all of that, I also still know and am convicted in my belief that you should be who you are.  And in the dating world (especially in the cruel dating world), you do not dare let some person you barely met online make you feel any less than amazing!  The right guy will eat a donut with you.  And if he wants you to be healthier and go for a walk, he will be smart about his approach and craft something like “hey babe, wanna go shopping at the mall” and get you to walk that way :)

 

 

Dungeons and Douchebags Series….Meet Jacob

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Sigh…..I was just bragging about how I hadn’t met anyone who fit this category enough to blog about them and then Jacob happened.  Normally I wouldn’t be too bothered by a guy not working out that I met online.  But this guy…….this guy has me all kinds of worked up and not in a good way.
Meet Jacob.  I was going to disguise his name and such but am just too mad to give him any protection.  He doesn’t deserve it at this point.
Jacob is a 35 year old online dater.  His profile pic on the dating website was nice enough to know that he was extremely good looking (in my opinion) but still not too clear.  Jacob messaged me, which was nice since I am usually the aggressor and contact most guys first.  Then the following happened.  You can draw your own conclusion about Jacob, I am just going to list the facts.  Also, during this list, there will be a few points where you probably will think to yourself “well, that’s obvious, you should’ve stopped talking to him then”.  I agree with you.  But when I know they are being snakes, it does something within me that makes me want to dig further and gather info to later call them out.  I also realize that probably is some serious issue deep within that I should seek therapy for (I mean I can’t be some douchebag busting super hero I guess).  ANYWAY, “it is what it is” today for the story telling purposes of this blog. :)
  1.  Jacob messages me on the site and says “you are super sexy”.  I reply how nice that was to hear.  We continue to message back and forth and later exchange numbers.  I am always leary of super hot guys on these sites.  For one, I am not a “hot guy” attractor.  I’m just not.  I usually do better with the nerds and I am more than ok with that.  It’s not secret that I am not a super model in the least, so when an unusually attractive man reaches out, I am always suspicious.  (again, an issue I’ll save for my therapist)     photo 3
  2. We start texting.  Jacob is a little bit more flirty than I am comfortable with so soon but I also realize that I have been quite the prude lately and figure it won’t hurt to try to be more open to compliments and flirting.  Plus, he sent me a pic of himself through text and I’m not gonna lie….I was a sucker.  He is a beautiful human.
  3. Because I am a typical girl (and do not even try to act like this is crazy – just because I am about to admit to it doesn’t make me crazy – honey every girl does her own research whether she admits it or not) I do a little Facebook research.  I type in Jacob’s number in the search bar of Facebook and BAM, there he is.  Jacob G.  I pull up his Facebook profile to see that his profile picture was updated on 5/24.  It’s a sweet pic of him and his little girl sitting on a 4-wheeler……….and on his hand is a wedding ring.  Nice.  Then, if you scroll further, you see another profile pic was posted on 5/23 of him with a beautiful woman (much prettier than I am for sure!).  Sweet.  IF, I am going to be open minded and give him the benefit of the doubt, that was three weeks ago so maybe he is NEWLY single.
  4. I text Jacob and say “so, do you have Facebook”.  He replies “no”.  Oh, interesting because I just found you on there.  He explains it as his ex has his login info and must be posting it for him.  He says he has it all cleared up now and do I see his profile anymore.  Nope, sure don’t.  Glad you got that fixed buddy.   photo 4photo-7
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  5. We talk on the phone briefly after work and he has to let me go to change his daughter’s diaper. He says he will call me back shortly.  I text him and ask if we can talk later since I am cooking dinner and such.  He says “yeah, text first though”…..hmmm, why’s that?   photo 1-1
  6.  We continue to text some and I try to call him later to which he explains he can’t talk because his daughter fell asleep on his chest.  Oh.  Ok.  photo 3-1
  7. This morning bright and early he is texting me being all charming and such.  But I just don’t trust him.  So when I’m having coffee with a coworker and telling her about this situation, she pulls up her Facebook app on her phone and searches for him.  Well, would you looky here…….there is hot Jacob’s profile.  Sooooo, you basically just used my trick of putting in my phone number, finding my Facebook profile and blocking me.  Genius.  Except that I’m not dumb.  I choose to “address” everything in reply to his “sad face” text when he asks if I am daydreaming about him and I say “no” :) .  I then send him this book of a text to which I have received no reply (and probably never will).  I’m not even sure why I was even the least bit nice, but I felt like I was compared to what I was thinking.  :)  photo-8

I am beyond mad.  Not for myself.  I have thick skin.  Be a douchebag to me, that’s fine, I’ll just blog about it.  But how many women is he hitting on and flirting with that he is also clearly not being honest with?  It’s just not necessary.  Online dating is hard enough as it is without morons like yourself doing stupid and shady stuff such as this.  And that girl in his profile pic…she is adorable.  Does she even have a clue that he is on a dating site?  Sure, women are crazy.  But guys like you provoke it.

You Jacob, deserve a swift kick in the balls.  I’m not sure if he has ever won any awards, but today, he takes the “Douchelord of the Day” award hands down.

Dungeons and Douchebags….What’s in a name? Picking the right dating name

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I probably should’ve started the series with this since that’s one of the first fields you have to pick in creating an online dating profile.  But….I honestly didn’t think about it until I saw today’s “who wants to meet you list” in my own dating notifications.  There it was, “muffdivindaddy69″……..once I saw it, I knew I had to address it.

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While I think that the “nickname” portion of the profile can be one of the most fun yet challenging parts of creating your online dating presence, I also think that not enough thought and attention has been given to it.  OR, people in general are reverting to some puberty induced teenage brain activity that makes them think presenting themselves as “muffdivindaddy69″ will “bring all the ladies” to his house.  The name you pick is equally as important as the pic you choose.  These two things are usually what pop up in search results so you want to be sure you are soliciting the right attention.
Below are my opinionated tips on things to watch out for in choosing an online dating “name”
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1.  Don’t be so cryptic that nobody is going to get what you are talking about.  So, you have this inside joke with your friends that includes some weirdo nickname they gave you.  That’s great!  I love nicknames too!  However, if no one outside your circle of friends is going to know what you’re talking about, don’t use it in your name.  The argument could be made that it would spark conversation and you could explain yourself in that conversation.  However, you risk the chance of being looked over completely.  It’s like when you’re behind a car with a custom license plate.  A bunch of letters together that are supposed to say something clever……..so you follow the person past your exit cause you just need that extra time to figure out what the heck they are trying to say on their plate.  Wait…I’m the only one who does that?  Oh, ok.
2.  Don’t be dirty.  Just stop.  It’s not cute.  And you are supposed to be an adult.  Even if a girl is surfing the profiles looking for a good time with a masked gunman, it is highly likely that your immature attempt at naming yourself something that involves “69” is going to get her excited to look at your profile.  It’s just tacky, immature, and a host of other things.
3.  Avoid the words “prince”, “romance”, or proper names of products such as “Chevy”, “Ford”, etc.  Using the words “prince” and such make it look like you’re trying too hard.  Every guy on the internet wants me to think he could be my prince charming.  And I would venture to say that most women are way over that theory these days.  We know Disney movies lied to us about the fairy tale.  We are still trying to recover.  Using proper product names could lead us to assume you are so caught up in that product that you would be willing to name a child after it.  Which also ties into my previous advice not to include pictures of your truck in your profile.  We admire your loyalty to a brand/product and your passion for it, but we don’t want to compete with it from the get go.
4.  Be catchy and use this as an opportunity to let me know something about you.  For instance, my name is “dame-against-lames”.  Although it could be perceived as a thousand different things I’m sure, I chose it to indicate “look, I’m so over lame-o’s on this site so just know from the second you pull up this profile, I’m against lame interaction”.  It should send the message that you are probably going to have to be “quick on your feet” to catch my attention and get me to respond.  It also probably tells you that I have been online dating enough to have met a lot of guys………and that’s ok too I guess.
Ultimately, it’s your name.  Call yourself whatever you want.  But be prepared to explain it in some cases.  And in some of those cases, your explanation might not be enough to save you.