Monthly Archives: January 2014

Answering My Critics

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Let’s talk about why you don’t like me! :)  Well, maybe not you in particularly, but we will address those in general who deem themselves as “Alicia Fancy Pants Critics”.  Although this could easily go from a short blog to a long book defending all of the things I am criticized for, we will keep it to the subject of dating today (which will probably still turn out longer than I intended).  For all you grammar critics out there, please note that this was not proofed before posting.  I am simply jotting thoughts down and wanted to get them out there before my 2014 blog absence started mirroring the 2013 absences.  Plus, the self-appointed proofer I have is MIA tonight so hopefully he won’t cringe too badly when reading this! :)
So i date. I date a lot.  I’m not sure what the average single person racks up in dating numbers but I would venture to say that I am above the average if not blowing them out of the water.  I have lost count at the dating advice I have been given or the eye rolls I have received from friends and family.  Everyone knows how Alicia should date, or so they think.  Although most of the conversations my friends or family try to have with me about dating come out of love and only wanting the best for me, there are more times than not that judgement comes from the method of dating I use as well as the amount of dates I have been on.
I would also report that the minute I publicly claim to be dating someone “steady” via Facebook, people rejoice and hold their breath wondering how long it will last.  There are some who think that your existence is only validated if you are in a relationship.  Unfortunately I see this mostly from my hometown crowd.  It was hard to deal with that mentality being forced on you growing up and even harder to see it being embedded into the minds of young girls growing up there today.  There are those who think that because I am single, I must be unhappy.  I must look at every couple and envy them all while crying myself to sleep hoping that prince charming is right around the corner for me. It’s also assumed that I hate Valentine’s day because I am single.  (Which is not the case.  We can discuss that later though)
Let me set the record straight.  I am happy.  Happier than I have ever been in my entire life actually.  And because of that, I am able to look at this whole dating thing a little differently than people would expect me to.  Because of FINALLY being happy with myself and who I am, I am able to have the following outlook in answer to critics of a serial dater :)
So I have a lot of dates.  With most of them being “one date wonders”.
  •     At least I am not sitting at home depressed about being single
  •     At least I am putting myself out there despite how many times I have had relationships fail miserably.
  •     At least I am willing to meet all types of people versus narrowing the field to a checklist of things
  •     At least I don’t get down and out when one doesn’t work (ok, some may cause temporary “down and outness” that results in talking it over and analyzing with friends.  Those times are getting fewer and fewer though)

I keep my great big heart open.  More times than not it has been handled very poorly by the other person.  And more times than not it has felt hurt from love/dating versus happiness.  But every single time that has happened, I have learned from it.  I continue to grow.  Plus, I keep REALLY GREAT heart glue around!

So I online date.  I online date so much that I expect some of the sites to contact me any day now to become a consultant.
  •     My circle of friends doesn’t have too many single men
  •     I can’t stay up late enough for the bar scene anymore – nor do I care to meet anyone there.  Even if I could stay up, I certainly couldn’t dress the part.  The thought of wearing heels and a spanx for hours at a smoky bar makes me cringe.
  •     Because I am busy with work, friends, family, etc, online dating is a way to easily check out people in my area while sitting in my jammies and no makeup.  There are more than one out there that I am thankful I talked to online versus meeting them for the first time in person.  If I would have curled my hair, put on my best outfit, and sprayed perfume to meet some of these people blindly, I would’ve been super disappointed that all that work was wasted.  Trust me.
 I exercise caution and try to be as smart as possible in online dating.  A friend always knows who I am out with including his phone number.  I have learned the hard way how to detect red flags and have exited many situations because of them.
So I fall fast.  When I do meet someone, if I like them and feel a strong enough connection, I tend to jump in with both feet (and hands, head, heart, all of it).  
  •     At least I am not letting past jerks ruin me to being open for love should it come along.  (That doesn’t mean past damage isn’t there to deal with by any means.  It just means that I keep moving)
  •     At least I know my heart is HUGE and capable of feeling pitter patters :)
  •     At least I trust myself enough to fall knowing that it may not work and that’s ok
 I am working on this area more than any other in my dating life right now.  Goodness knows it needs it.  But I will never apologize for the loving spirit I have even if it does seem to live on fast forward.
Look.  In all areas of our lives we are encouraged to pursue only the best.  We are challenged to be ambitious in our careers.  We are told to go after what we want in areas of work, dreams, goals, etc.  Yet, in the area of love, we are just supposed to sit and wait for Prince Charming to come.  Well, I’m not buying it.  If you sit at home eating grapes, wearing flannel jammies, and a face mask thinking Mr. Right is just going to show up at your door and say “hi, I’m here, I’m the one for you”….you’re just crazy.  Not happening.  I refuse to sit at home, church, the grocery store, or anywhere else thinking that love will magically appear and find me.  Is there a chance that at those places love will cross my path?  Maybe.  (by the way, I’m not sure there is anywhere in the bible that Jesus specifically says “wait on your soul mate at home – I have one for you.  That, however is a whole other topic we won’t get into).  But I certainly won’t know if it crosses my path if I’m not out there searching.
I will guard my heart but I will not close it.  I will take time to heal when necessary so that I don’t lose trust or become too hurt to let the right person in.
As long as I am being true to myself.  As long as I am being wiser rather than blinder.  As long as I don’t become a bitter, unkind soul………I will date.  And I will enjoy it.  I will look back on it someday with many stories to share about the journey that I went on leading me to “the one” and how great it was to find him after all I had been through!

The end :)

Dungeons and Douchebags….What’s in a name? Picking the right dating name

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I probably should’ve started the series with this since that’s one of the first fields you have to pick in creating an online dating profile.  But….I honestly didn’t think about it until I saw today’s “who wants to meet you list” in my own dating notifications.  There it was, “muffdivindaddy69″……..once I saw it, I knew I had to address it.

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While I think that the “nickname” portion of the profile can be one of the most fun yet challenging parts of creating your online dating presence, I also think that not enough thought and attention has been given to it.  OR, people in general are reverting to some puberty induced teenage brain activity that makes them think presenting themselves as “muffdivindaddy69″ will “bring all the ladies” to his house.  The name you pick is equally as important as the pic you choose.  These two things are usually what pop up in search results so you want to be sure you are soliciting the right attention.
Below are my opinionated tips on things to watch out for in choosing an online dating “name”
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1.  Don’t be so cryptic that nobody is going to get what you are talking about.  So, you have this inside joke with your friends that includes some weirdo nickname they gave you.  That’s great!  I love nicknames too!  However, if no one outside your circle of friends is going to know what you’re talking about, don’t use it in your name.  The argument could be made that it would spark conversation and you could explain yourself in that conversation.  However, you risk the chance of being looked over completely.  It’s like when you’re behind a car with a custom license plate.  A bunch of letters together that are supposed to say something clever……..so you follow the person past your exit cause you just need that extra time to figure out what the heck they are trying to say on their plate.  Wait…I’m the only one who does that?  Oh, ok.
2.  Don’t be dirty.  Just stop.  It’s not cute.  And you are supposed to be an adult.  Even if a girl is surfing the profiles looking for a good time with a masked gunman, it is highly likely that your immature attempt at naming yourself something that involves “69” is going to get her excited to look at your profile.  It’s just tacky, immature, and a host of other things.
3.  Avoid the words “prince”, “romance”, or proper names of products such as “Chevy”, “Ford”, etc.  Using the words “prince” and such make it look like you’re trying too hard.  Every guy on the internet wants me to think he could be my prince charming.  And I would venture to say that most women are way over that theory these days.  We know Disney movies lied to us about the fairy tale.  We are still trying to recover.  Using proper product names could lead us to assume you are so caught up in that product that you would be willing to name a child after it.  Which also ties into my previous advice not to include pictures of your truck in your profile.  We admire your loyalty to a brand/product and your passion for it, but we don’t want to compete with it from the get go.
4.  Be catchy and use this as an opportunity to let me know something about you.  For instance, my name is “dame-against-lames”.  Although it could be perceived as a thousand different things I’m sure, I chose it to indicate “look, I’m so over lame-o’s on this site so just know from the second you pull up this profile, I’m against lame interaction”.  It should send the message that you are probably going to have to be “quick on your feet” to catch my attention and get me to respond.  It also probably tells you that I have been online dating enough to have met a lot of guys………and that’s ok too I guess.
Ultimately, it’s your name.  Call yourself whatever you want.  But be prepared to explain it in some cases.  And in some of those cases, your explanation might not be enough to save you.

Telling You I Am Angry…..

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Who believes in the saying or even scripture that says “do not let the sun set on your anger”….or “don’t go to bed angry”?  I know that I used to say “you better let me go to bed angry, cause chances are in the morning I will forget I am even mad”.  This seemed like a good approach to me considering my memory of anything these days lasts a total of maybe two minutes.  The trouble with that same memory that I seem to NOT have is that at random times, random memories pop up and a week later I would remember I was mad when I should’ve been long past it.  This leads to over thinking and a host of other things that we won’t address in this note.
I have struggled with the concept of not going to bed angry for several years now.  I have read all these expert’s opinions on it.  I’ve studied it spiritually.  I have asked others what they do.  Yet, not a lot seemed to be the awe inspiring answer that lead to a solution that worked for me.  And all that seemed to result from me being angry was that I couldn’t sleep.  Now when I finally fell asleep, I did usually forget like I state above.  But I ignored for too long the fact that I wasn’t falling asleep because I was just stinkin mad.
Often, when I am mad, I feel like at least one person should know and hear why.  In fact, I usually think at least three people should know.  And rarely, did those people include the actual person that made me that way.  I have spent countless hours wasting mine and other’s time “venting” about what I am so upset about.  And if I were to be completely honest with you, I would have to admit that it was all in an attempt to rally troops in my favor and confirm that my anger was completely valid.  I had been wronged dang it and anything less than a protest with beautfiul signs proclaiming it just wouldn’t do.
But, now, as I sit on this plane ride home after being disconnected from my life for ten days, and reading a book called The Happiness Project, I am lead to a different view of “don’t let the sun set on your anger”.  This whole trip, I have been forced to be more aware of me before I have been able to act on anything.  I have been in a country where I did not speak the native language.  So thinking before communicating has bascially been mandatory.  And in doing so, I have realized how poorly of a job I do of thinking about all things involved before reacting or speaking.  I cringe as I type the following to you, but what I realized is more often than not, 90% of the problem, probably was me.  GASP!!!
So what I am now thinking is this: Not letting the sun set on your anger DOES NOT mean you have to let the person you are angry with (or anyone else for that matter) hear your soap opera declaration of the anger.  What it means is that you have to have or find peace before you lay your head down to sleep.  And telling the world isn’t the only option you have.  So consider a few things outside of argument.
If you’re spiritual, have you prayed about it?  God can handle your anger and blunt conversation better than any human can :) So talking it out loud with him and yourself might help relieve initial tension and anger.
Did you look at your role in the situation and is there anything differently you could’ve done?
Will what you’re so upset about matter at a different time?  Tomorrow?  A year from now?
Do you value the relationship with the person more than the issue at hand?
What are the good things that you could learn from the situation?
What could be going on with the other person’s life that caused them to act the way they did towards you?
 

Dungeons and Douchebags – Online Dating Chronicles – About Me

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Now that we have covered online dating profile pictures……hop over to Aliciavenue to check out the “about me” section dissection :)

Click HERE to read the latest and to check out my very own online dating profile!

Dungeons and Douchebags series intro

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Dungeons and Douchebags……Online Dating Pictures and their issues.

Even if you don’t date online, read it and share it…..people need to know :)

http://wp.me/pELee-az

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