As much as I love doing videos, the beloved airport system has caused too many delays today and in looking at my schedule for the week ahead, I doubt I will have time to pee much less rattle senselessly on video for you. :) So I will share a short list with you tonight as I finally board my plane and need to pass the time.
Sometimes, even though the scale shows that I have lost weight (and if the scale says it, it’s true) I still struggle to see it. My insecurities pop up and try to get a permanent residence in the hotel that is my head. Thankfully, it’s stay isn’t as long as it used to be, but it still pops in to let me know it’s lingering from time to time.
Sometimes, I pass by the mirror and can’t tell that I’ve lost one single pound. Sometimes, I pass by the mirror and say horribly ugly things to myself. Sometimes, I try on clothes in the fitting room and leave crying because there is just too much of parts of me and I want them to go away right this second.
And then, sometimes I notice the opposite. Talk about nice little surprises. So, in noticing these things I decided to make a list. Now I will have something to reference when the wretched doubt tries to creep in and tell me that I haven’t really changed that much.
Some days it doesn’t seem like 30 pounds is that much when I feel like I have so much more to go. Some days I feel like I gained all 30 back just from “cheating” that one meal. But I cheat myself by not acknowledging all the ways I’ve changed.
I happily share with you my “30 pounds ago” list. :)
30 pounds ago……
– I could not fit comfortably in an airport seat. I mean I fit per se. But, I had to put the strap as loose as possible and my hips embarrassingly hung just a bit over the side of the rest. I always put the arm rest up hoping whomever landed next to me would leave it up for our flight (which never ended up happening). I always tried to situate myself sideways so it didn’t sem so obvious that I had muffin top of the airplane seat. Tonight, when i got in my seat, I automatically started my routine. The nice man assigned next to me sits down, puts the arm rest down and I brace myself for the awkwardness. Only this time, it didn’t happen. I have room!!! Plenty of room. We are both cozied nicely together in hip harmony within our allotted space. AWESOME!!!
– I could not cross my legs. I honestly cannot remember the last time I sat with one leg crossed over another. On the off chance that it did happen, it usually resulted in one leg becoming painfully numb for the whole three seconds I was able to cross at all. I’ve noticed it for a couple of weeks now but thought it was just a figment of my imagination, but I have been crossing my legs. Like, comfortably crossing one leg over the other in sitting. l vividly remember a guy I knew who’s mother would make comments about girls he dated not being able to cross their legs cause they were too fat (she was a real gem you might say). How great it is to be able to do something that I didn’t even realize I had gotten too big to do.
-I couldn’t run half a block without contemplating calling an ambulance much less walk up stairs and not lose all my breath. Now, I’m consistently jogging on purpose and starting to like it.
– I could not wear a size large dress from Old Navy. I recently
bought one in that size and it’s my new favorite piece of clothing ;)
– Could not go one day without my blood pressure medicine or it would leave me swollen and with a headache the size of Texas. Now I’m on 1/2 of that dose daily and almost ready to go less than that!
30 pounds ago I could not stand to look at myself in the mirror. Not because I thought I was too big or too ugly. But simply because I knew I could do better. I knew I wasn’t being good to my body. I knew I was cheating myself. Thirty pounds ago, I wouldn’t let myself believe I had worth or could accomplish anything athletic or that I would be good enough for the world.
Thirty pounds gone, thirty times more in love with who I am and what I am becoming! :)