I have lived in my apartment since mid March. I am yet to decorate. I have a pile of great things to hang on my living room wall. Every week I was having girls night and every week we would say “for real. This week we are hanging crap”. And every week the wine would win. And now my friend had moved to New Jersey and the pile still sits there.
Just when I was bummed because I didn’t have anything epic to blog about today….I read this. Good stuff. If I were going to make a list, every single one of these would be on it.
I grew up in a place where women were not valued in the least. You weren’t validated unless you have a man and you certainly should never put yourself first or value yourself….cause that’s just selfish.
If you know me, you know how this great blog made my heart go pitter patter.
Originally posted on Thought Catalog:
1. Practice good personal grooming habits. If you are going to have colored hair, keep your roots covered. If you are going to have fake nails, keep them filled. Take care of your skin, take care of your teeth.
2. Dress modestly. Gain attention through who you are rather than the parts of your body you choose to expose. It is worth far more in the long run.
3. Certain fashion staples will always remain timeless. A few conservative dresses, a string of pearls, a nice handbag and a good pair of pumps should always be in your wardrobe.
4. Write thank you notes. It is one of the best ways to make a good impression and literally takes five seconds. It is a dying art that so desperately needs to be revived. If someone is nice enough to give you a gift or recommend you to a position, the…
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I am going back to school. :-) even though I practically have a masters degree from the school of hard knocks, it seems as if I need to take myself back for a bit of Breaking Up 101. I am not talking about dating break ups either (I seem to be an expert at getting broken up with already). I am talking about breaking up with those people or even “things” that are no longer good for you.
See, I am a fixer and an extreme lover of broken people. I am drenched in my mother’s “loves to be needed” DNA. I love to meet new people. I cling to them! Literally. When I first meet someone, I just want to know all about them. I usually make fast friends. It’s always later down the road when I am hip deep in the new found friendship that I sometimes realize that I have fallen into a situation that is not healthy. The problem with being so drawn to people (especially broken ones) is that you can easily become so absorbed in them (healing them, listening to their woes for hours, being too available) that you lose yourself without even realizing it.
I know. I know. We are all broken in some way. I in no way claim to be unbroken or superior to anybody. But when you make yourself too available and you give 123% of yourself to a friendship, you also start expecting. And when you cast expectations on people who aren’t built to give them to you, enter disappointment. Disappointment that you are partially to blame for because, chances are, they don’t even know what you expect from them. Everyone’s 100% looks different. I love learning the five love languages for this reason. It was eye opening for me to learn and finally accept that what my “all” is could be different than yours. And that’s ok. What is NOT ok is when you are in a situation of constant hurt. We could cover so much more of this in a long, in depth book so I will try to keep it short. :-) (and we all know that attempt will fail miserably. But hang in there. I promise this is good) When you are in a friendship that leaves you feeling drained, rejected, used, or any other negative emotion, you HAVE to stop. You have to step back and evaluate. What are the emotions I am left with and is the person even aware that it is leaving me this way? If this is “just how they are” am I ok with it always being like that? Are they being respectful of you? Do they place value on your friendship with them?
I have recently been in quite the struggle with myself and a few friendships. I tend to hang on out of loyalty or “not being the bad guy”. There is also a little hanging on because I know when I go away, they probably won’t even notice. And that hurts. And quite frankly I am tired. I am not moving forward with being a better me because I am too busy “crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t jump puddles for me” (love that quote). I have to accept that some people are not in your life forever. You don’t have to be my friend. We can all still exist on the planet. :-) I cannot move on to the next phase of becoming more awesome and making my dreams come true (and believe me, I am right on the edge of some pretty big things) if I keep crying over hurt feelings from unhealthy friendships.
So, it’s time we breakup. I will not be readily available for you when you don’t have anything better to do. I will not be the one always initiating contact. I will not hang out with you only when I suggest it and only at your house and then watch you post pics of being out having a great time (when you know dang well I would love to be out too). I will not listen to the same problems over and over while you don’t even ask or encourage me about things in my life. I will not be an afterthought.
What I will be to anyone interested in real friendship is loving. I will love you hard. It’s what I do. I will pray for you more than I pray for myself. I will make you laugh. Mostly at me, but laugh nonetheless. I will make you cheesy crafts for your birthday but not give them to you until months later (because my memory is horrible and I am a procrastinator). My friendship isn’t for everyone. I talk too much (mostly about myself). I am needy. I will flake on 3/5 things you invite me too. And if you are hurting physically, I will retreat and seem like the worst friend ever (because if I can’t fix it or make it better I can’t watch suffering of any kind). BUT, I accept that I am not for everyone. And I am thankful for the ones who hang around. :-)
So be ok with breaking up. No dramatic profession of departure needed. Just quietly walk away knowing you value yourself enough to know when a situation is unhealthy and needs to go. PLUS, the longer you continue, the less of the best you that person is getting. And that’s a wrap on my profound wisdom :-p HAPPY THURSDAY!!!
Although I have taken myself off “online dating” sites, it doesn’t relieve me of interactions with past “dudes” I have had encounters with. I am happy to say that currently, I am “taking it slow” with someone in hopes of it possibly working out to “happily ever after” but figure that it shouldn’t stop my D&D stories. It actually makes me appreciate the “just taking it slow” process quite a bit more. Usually at the end of typing out a beautiful story for you to read, I end up thinking “man, I’m thankful that I am not dealing with any of the currently”.
I would never have written about Steve (I honestly can’t even remember if that’s his name). He wasn’t anything too exciting in the way of lame material to blog about. Nice guy. No real red flags or weird issues. And honestly we both had pretty much admitted that there was no dating interest there, but enjoyed having a few drinks after work from time to time. We usually ended up comparing stories about online dating interactions. I would almost feel worse after his stories because I would see the crazy women he would get messages from and think “ok, I know I am way more normal than this and yet, I’m not having any luck on here”. I am proud to say I never contemplated mimicking any of the pics he showed me of women such as the lady laid out across her bed in fuzzy Hello Kitty pajama pants and a tank top making a kiss face. But it doesn’t mean I didn’t wonder what the heck was going on.
Steve and I lost touch. I hope it wasn’t because of the girl I saw him out with one night in the 80′s shirt and feather bangs. But, I guess if she swept him off his feet, then congrats to him. I was irritated that we lost touch at first because I wasn’t even trying to date him. I was simply a nice person being nice to someone who had just moved here. We were not exchanging jokes via text anymore. I was being ignored for whatever reason and I was not happy about it. That’s just rude. But, I also know you can’t chase. And I wouldn’t want to whip out my crazy chasing card on someone I knew I would never date anyway :)
HOWEVER, it does not matter what status you were with a guy, there are certain moments that just don’t help your cause and create small mortifications in a woman’s life.
One of those moments is when you have tried to be “Miss Cool”, you quit talking to/seeing someone and then they catch you at a stop light with your windows down, music up, making sweet sweet love to a Krispy Kreme donut. Especially when you’re already a “thick” girl. There I was, treating myself to a donut (just one I swear). One of my favorite songs was on the radio. The sunroof was open. The windows were down. I was eating that donut like I just got out of prison. And I hear someone say “hey you”. I look over, sugar frosting all over my mouth, to see Steve. Greeeeaaaattttttttttt.
Wait! What the heck do I care? I don’t owe Steve anything. I don’t have to explain myself to him (or anybody). I am proud to be eating a donut dang it!
And then he says “hey girl, what you been up to?? Do you still workout at that one gym you were going to? What was the name of it?”. Really? Do you think you’re cute Steve (a 38 year old man with a jacked up mister truck that you need a step stool to get into)? Well, you’re not. And, that beard doesn’t look right on you either. I just wave and say “hey!” and quickly take off as soon as the light turns green. I get a text from him later that says “we should catch up sometime, it’s been a while. Maybe we could go for a walk”.
No. We should not catch up. You have ignored me for months. And no, I don’t wanna go on a walk with you. Why are you stalking me about exercise Steve? I want to eat a donut. And maybe another one after that.
Ok, so maybe Steve was just trying to have conversation. And of course I know he really isn’t too much of a dbag (even though the ignoring definitely didn’t help his cause). I mean I’ve dealt with worse. And maybe I know that the real issue here is my insecurity about being big and eating a donut and knowing I could make better eating choices. :)
But, knowing all of that, I also still know and am convicted in my belief that you should be who you are. And in the dating world (especially in the cruel dating world), you do not dare let some person you barely met online make you feel any less than amazing! The right guy will eat a donut with you. And if he wants you to be healthier and go for a walk, he will be smart about his approach and craft something like “hey babe, wanna go shopping at the mall” and get you to walk that way :)
Recently I went on a trip. Just myself and two of my nieces. They are ages 5 and 5 1/2. I never thought I would make so many fantastic memories. I had this vision of being the cool aunt who took them on this road trip and then documented every detail, printed it in a fancy photo book and gave it to them to keep forever. They would look back through the book over the years and go on and on about it being the best summer trip ever. That vision was quickly diminished once we actually started on the road trip. Instead, they will get documented (and hopefully comical) observations. They might actually get printed pictures by the time they are in their twenties. And instead of going on and on about the best trip ever, they will probably just discuss how “Auntie Ricia” has never been on time or followed through with anything in her life so it’s no surprise we are married with our own kids and just now getting pictures of a trip we took when we were five.
ANYWAY!! As a single woman with no children who bravely embarked on a ten hour road trip with some sassy almost kindergartners, here are my observations in no particular order. Observations that actually lead to tears upon reflection. And reflection that lead to gratefulness for seeing life through a child’s eyes for a week and realizing that life really is that simple and that beautiful.
Meet Chella and Jasmyn. They are cousins and belong to my sisters. They have never been on any kind of trip like this. What we thought was a six hour drive to a condo/family resort in TN turned out to be an eleven hour adventure! :)
13. You DO NOT admit defeat to your family in a situation like this. They are just dying to see you fail and wave the white flag. I fed and watered these kids, three times a day (plus countless snacks). I kept them clean (for the most part). And most importantly, everyone stayed alive. You may have to have a few beers after they go to bed. But, when you’re sisters and mom are back home just knowing you will never survive, you stay strong! :)
14. Kids have no filters. They, without knowing what they are doing, can make you question your very existence. Example conversation:
Them: Auntie ricia, do you have a husband or boyfriend?
Them: whoa, you’re all awone in dis big world?
Me: yes, I’m just waiting on who Jesus picks for me
Them: well he needs to hurry cause you are getting old
15. Mcdonald’s had to have made these Happy Meals knowing that crazy adults like me would be making a pit stop there after being on the road alone with small children for hours. Because this one that we got more than accurately conveyed my sanity! :)
There are countless memories we created that I could take up so much more space sharing. There was just so much joy on this trip. The whole time I have been trying to figure out what I needed to restore, and thought the answer was a beach vacation to myself, what I really needed was to get away and see how simple life is through the eyes of a child! We should never be taking ourselves too seriously! I never knew I could love someone so much as I do these girls (and the rest of my kiddos out there). I can only hope that even though this was a simple trip, that it’s something they remember for years to come!
I have been struggling so much with self image lately. I want to be healthier (I WILL be healthier). I want to feel better. I have friends who are hardcore “workouters” :-) and I hate feeling not pretty enough around them. I hate being the perfect match for someone BUUUTTTT….them just not being able to date me because of my weight.
I am not ugly (or at least my selfies don’t make me feel like I am :) !). I make myself take a pic (despite what the articles say about that meaning that you have a mental illness) and then look at the pic and be nice to myself. I literally do this probably three times a week. And if you have never struggled with loving yourself, you probably have no idea what I am talking about. If you have ever struggled with it though, you know EXACTLY how hard it is to look at a picture of yourself and not tear it apart. It seems foreign to snap a pic and think “I really like my makeup today” or “This top looks good with my skin tones. And how bout that hair today! Good job”. On top of it being weird to do, it’s not really accepted by society. In this case, society can suck it though! :)
I know that I am not ugly because I believe I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I am loved more than any human could ever come close to. I KNOW THIS. I retreat to this daily. Yet, i destroy myself daily with decisions I make (food, people I allow in my life, the list goes on). It is more than overwhelming trying to get on track and know which direction to go with all the programs, naughty bodies, etc out there.
Last night in my “reflect on where you’re at time” (which usually involves lots of music, praying and reading), I came across this blog and wanted to scream “she gets it! This is what i know!!” I’m not sure Claire realized when she wrote this blog that it would fall into the screen of a woman who was desperately searching for encouragement and “relatable” reads. But I am so glad that it happened that way!
I dont want to be skinnier for a man. I dont care about that anymore. I want to be healthy to be able to fully carry out my purpose. I want to take care of my body that I was given and be able to live out the acknowledgement that my body is indeed a temple I was trusted to take care of. In all aspects. Every single struggle I am facing right now (dating decisions, fitness, financial, etc) all boils down to lack of discipline and obedience. And the outside noise and influence I have let effect that even more has to change. Immediately.
Thats a whole lotta rambling and thinking out loud just to tell you I loved this blog Boobs Happen, or…When My Workout Shrinks My Soul. And to let you know that it is more than ok if your “temple” doesn’t look like the cover of a fitness magazine. Its perfectly fine if you eat in front of your crossfit junkie friends. And its ok to hug people even if they only feel fluff when they wrap their arms around you.
Today is the day I start surrounding myself with same minded people who simply put working for the kingdom first. Who only uplift and encourage. Who refuse to see anything but potential and greatness in me.
Today also happens to be my first workout with a new group that in one day of consultation have given me more support and encouragement than all the things i have done in the past put together. I am thrilled that they dont see it as a job and that they sell it as their mission.
After posting the story of Jacob I had a friend call and say that he was concerned for my “singleness”. He expressed that he worries that because I have a full cup of “I don’t give a crap” and will happily bust out men via the web that I am in turn scaring other men off who might be interested out of fear that I will blog about them. I appreciate the concern. I may be single forever if that’s the case. And I’m ok with that. Because the man for me isn’t easily intimidated by me and knows that if he treats me right, I would have nothing but great things to say about him. I’m a lot to handle. I’m not for the weak. And I couldn’t be more proud of that actually. I fought like mad to get to where I am today. I am happy and my life is fantastic. There is zero reason for me to interrupt that with a relationship with anyone less than amazing and someone who will only amplify what I already have going.